Archives for category: Relationships
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Rainy Day Contentment

April 9, 2023 //
0

Some days “enough” really is enough. Today is like that. It’s an ordinary Sunday. I slept well and deeply and woke to my Traveling Partner’s gentle touch. My coffee is good, and the morning is pleasant. It’s a rainy day, and I still managed to spend some short time in the garden, planting early germinating cooler-weather seeds. Nice morning for it.

I hear the washing machine in the background, and the steady whir of the computer fan, even over this video of rain sounds I have on in the background. It is raining, today, but I rarely hear that from inside the house unless there are open windows, or it’s rainy wickedly hard. In the bathroom, the rain falls hard enough to sound like a small steel drum perched on the roof, or a distant wind chime. Pretty.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s a good day for relaxing. I mean… Easter Sunday, you know? I’m for sure not planning to go to any retail spaces; the few that open will likely be quite crowded. Why bother with all that? Home is cozy and warm, and the companionship is genial. No stress, today, just quiet joy.

Shrubs removed, blueberries planted – but still so small they are barely visible against the fresh compost.

I spent yesterday in the garden. I got a lot done – like, everything on my list for the weekend, really. 😀 My Traveling Partner cut down the shrubbery I disliked, and even dug out the roots. I feel very cared for and supported; it’s a busy week for him in the shop and he still has time for me. I loosened the soil in the bed, pulled out what remaining tangled shrub roots that I could, mixed in generous amounts of well-aged compost and good quality soil and planted the blueberries I’ve been planning for since we moved in. So exciting! It feels like a milestone. I’ve got roses (8). I’ve got blueberries (6 bushes, 2 each of 3 varieties). I’ve got a raised bed veggie garden. I’ve got a plan. It feels good.

My wee balcony garden, in 2011.

I think back to my Traveling Partner and I moving in together. Our apartment had a balcony, no yard. I had a handful of roses in containers. He helped me build my garden, there, surprising me with deck-rail pots, and soil, and then too… I felt so thoroughly loved. Love can endure. Like a thriving garden, it needs care, attention, effort, and good quality “seeds” and “soil”. I smile thinking about my many small container gardens over the years, and my one previous, long ago, “garden at my own home” – a garden built in the midst of terror and chaos, stressed by Texas heat and lack of skilled care. It didn’t do very well. I wanted to force it to thrive but that’s not how gardening – or love – works, at all. I learned a lot… sometimes that’s the most we can get from an experience.

I’ve got a long-ish list of things to do today. Chores. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, that sort of thing – nothing at all fancy, just routine shit I need to get done to prepare well for the upcoming week. All good. I’m not vexed over it. Not fighting the necessity. It’s just the day ahead of me, and I’m enjoying it as it is. That feels pretty wonderful.

I smile thinking about my rainy day garden, and the robins out there enjoying the freshly turned up earth and easy-to-reach worms. I wonder if this is their favorite time of year, and whether they have any sense of our human “seasons”. Things I think about over coffee on a rainy pleasant Sunday, before I begin again.

…I’ve got a list…

Tags , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Where Are You Finding Your Joy?

April 6, 2023 //
2

Sluggish start to a new day, in spite of this good cup of coffee. I’d very much rather be sleeping. lol My reminder to take morning medication goes off, startling me; I’ve usually taken it and silenced the alarm before now. I chuckle quietly to myself – that’s the whole point of having an alarm, these days when I’m sluggish and not super alert. Purpose fulfilled.

I am musing contentedly about “things that bring joy”. Pretty subjective notion, there, but I am … entertained? Satisfied. It’s a reasonable bit of reflection for a slow morning. What brings you joy? It may be quite different in some regards to what brings me joy… although… human primates being what we are, there’s surely a lot of overlap? I think about it. While I reflect on what brings me joy, I also contemplate how to deliver that kind of joyful experience to someone else. What could be more delightful than the joy someone experiences through some little thing I may have done? I love that feeling. 😀

…The joy itself is a pretty splendid feeling all on its own, too, is it not?

I smile to myself and remember to update the budget to reflect changes, and feel a bit of background anxiety melt away. The anxiety wasn’t over the expenses themselves, or even the budgeting or the spreadsheet; it was the loose end, the awareness that the budget was not up-to-date. That’s the kind of shit that so easily can wreck a moment, a day, or an experience, so I pause my writing, hop over to Sheets and update my budget to reflect changes my Traveling Partner and I had discussed. Feels good that doing so doesn’t provoke any anxiety at all – it only eases it. That feel new(ish). I savor the moment with a contented sigh, and a sip of coffee.

I let the clock tick away without giving it much attention. I glance at my hands. I’ve torn them up lately, mostly over background anxiety and bullshit, wholly unnecessary and mostly completely unrelated to any real thing in my day-to-day experience. I’m okay… but my torn cuticles tell their own story. The other night, my Traveling Partner quietly, without prompting, and with a very serious concerned look on his face stepped over to where I was sitting and just handed me a bottle of lotion for my poor hands. lol I got the hint. So… I’m working on focusing more on joy than stress, and doing my mindful best to keep from tearing at my cuticles or biting my nails. It’s super hard. I keep practicing. It’s gotten so much better than it once was – still not where I’d like to be. I’ll just keep at it, patiently, building discipline through diligence and practice. We become what we practice.

…Sometimes it’s quite difficult to practice not doing something…

I breathe, exhale, relax. I find myself thinking about far away friends and “once upon a time” long ago moments of shared joy.

My eye lands on the clock. It’s already time to begin again…

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

How to Prepare for Change

March 29, 2023 //
0

I sip my morning coffee thinking about “change”, as I anticipate changes to come that may or may not be “what I want”. I’m okay with uncertainty these days, more than I’ve ever previously been as far as I can recall. Change is. I can prepare for it, embrace it when it arrives (or seek further, other, changes), and see where it takes me, or I can… not do that, and struggle with it instead. There is very little potential that I can avoid change. I sip my coffee and think about the conversation I had with my boss yesterday. Promising. No, I’m not going to be more specific – I don’t know what the future holds. I’m open to it, though, and ready to gently comply with circumstances, or seek further change – depends on the outcomes, I suppose. I’m certainly not expecting to “stand still” in life. lol

How do I “prepare for change”, though? Depends on the changes, I guess, but I usually start with envisioning life as it may be following the change(s) I anticipate (or have chosen). I take time to read and study details or ideas that are new for me, or present challenges – what can I learn before the change is upon me? Do I have questions? Concerns? I look into those details. I probably make a list of things I’d want done before the change comes – or will want to do to meet the challenge as it comes.

If my anxiety is vexing me with regard to some particular anticipated change, I spend time reflecting on successful other experiences of change in my life, generally. This reminds me that it’s do-able, and that I’m capable.

From there, the last bit of “change prep” I find reliably helpful is to be kind to myself, and alert for any potential self-sabotage that I’d do well to … not do.

None of us are truly alone on this journey that is one mortal life, yet we’re each walking our own path, and having our own experience. It’s a strange puzzle. With my boss’s words lingering in my thoughts, I contemplate where I can develop new connections, build new bridges, shore up incomplete knowledge, explore new learning relevant to the change we had discussed. It’s exciting to feel the process of growth and progress. One thing I enjoy about all this is that I get to keep everything I learn along the way – whether the change that comes is what I anticipated, or something completely different. I continue to grow. Exciting.

I sip my coffee thoughtfully. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. It’s a pleasant (quiet) Wednesday morning. It’s a good time to prepare for change. It’s a good time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

The Quiet Time

March 28, 2023 //
0

I’m enjoying the quiet moments before the work day begins. For about an hour I’ve been just sitting quietly, reflecting on this-n-that, mind adrift – it’s a favorite way to start my day slowly that can often result in a workday that feels like a weekend day, and a work week that moves purposefully toward the next weekend without agita, stress, or drama. It’s lovely. So, I’m sipping this decently good cup of coffee, breathing, and being. Not much else, really.

Spring is here. This morning I stepped out into a light misty rain, and felt the kiss of droplets on my cheeks without the sting of morning cold temperatures. The thermometer told me it was 44 degrees. Pleasant. I spent the short drive to the co-work space thinking about the young blueberry bushes that arrived just two days ago – they’ll replace the dying hedge we cut down last summer, and those unfortunate shrubs along the walk that I dislike. It’ll be really handy to have blueberries in the garden. 😀 I’ve got 6 bushes to plant, and 3 different varieties for good pollination and for disease resistance. Seems the wise long-term thinking…

…Thinking long-term, I’m expecting to get those blueberries into the ground this coming weekend, and getting the shrubs cut down and removed, and beds prepared, this week. I should stop by the local nursery for any needed soil amendments, and some blueberry-suitable mulch. I add that errand to my list for the week.

I sigh and sip my coffee contentedly. I love this quiet time, alone with my thoughts, uninterrupted. I breathe, exhale, relax. My heart is filled with love and enthusiasm, which is an enjoyable state of being. I sit with it awhile, thinking about my Traveling Partner, sleeping (I hope) at home. Beyond the windows, dawn begins to turn to day, and the white building across the street is a pale blue-gray that merges with the blue-gray of the dawn sky. The sun hasn’t yet risen. Another deep breath, and with this one I pull myself more upright, and give my posture and physical experience of self some attention. My pain today is a very commonplace “5 out of 10” – more or less “normal” for the season. I’ve already taken pain management steps, and there’s nothing more to do about it for now. I get up and stretch, anyway; Tuesdays are “long” in the sense that once the day begins, it’s more or less back-to-back meetings until late enough in the afternoon that I’m already thinking about calling it a day. I don’t even mind; most of my weekly meetings are on Tuesday. I can plan for that (and do). It’s convenient.

Before I went to the coast, my Traveling Partner (seeing my enthusiasm for making the shower steamers) sat me down at the computer with him and designed a simpler press (hoping for better finished results) than the inexpensive mooncake press I had purchased online. That one works pretty well, and creates a lovely steamer with a fancy very detailed top surface – but the result is unreliable and often doesn’t come out of the press cleanly. I had beefed about that a bit, and said I’d love a simple round puck with a flat surface. Boom! He designs one for me, and while I am away, he printed it on the 3D resin printer. (Wow!) I can’t believe I haven’t taken a picture of it yet… weird. (I definitely thought I had taken a picture of it…) That very day (that he designed the round press for me) he designed another that produces a hexagonal puck. So cool. He went a step further and added one additional design detail – the monogram with which I sign my paintings. The thought makes me smile so hard my face hurts. lol

One of the “Violet Forest” shower steamers, showing that I clearly need more practice getting the consistency and pressure just right. lol

The new presses are much easier to use than the mooncake press is, and they both produce an appealing result. I definitely need more practice getting the mix just right, and getting the press filled to just the right amount (about 50g), using the right pressure, and building a reliable process that is efficient. I think I’ve got a recipe I like sufficiently well to just keep at it with the same recipe, varying the fragrances and colors for fun. I greatly enjoy using the shower steamers I make; they are to showers what bubble bath is to a hot bath. 😀 Pure delightful luxury.

Another breath. I exhale, relax, and look at the time. The morning is now more blue than gray, and the clock says the work day is due to begin in mere minutes. I guess it’s time to begin again. lol I guess I’m even ready for it. I smile and finish my coffee.

Feels good to be taking better care of the woman in the mirror.

Feels good to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Spring, The Art of Being

Authentically Doing Better

March 26, 2023 //
0

Sipping my coffee and thinking about “authenticity”. It’s an idea that comes up in a lot of self-help conversations, and in therapy, and in a variety of other contexts in life. What is “authenticity”? Does it come with the same baggage as unkindness masquerading as “telling unpleasant truths” does? Can I be authentically myself and also seek to improve on who I am – or does that set up internal conflicts or create cognitive dissonance? (It’s rhetorical – yes, I definitely can be authentic, and also seek to do better than I did yesterday.)

Most simply, “authenticity” is

…a person who acts in accordance with desires, motives, ideals or beliefs that are not only hers (as opposed to someone else’s), but that also express who she really is.

Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosphy

No idea why this is what is on my mind this morning. I’m just drinking coffee, listening to music, and waking up on a relaxed Sunday. 🙂 Let’s just go with it, eh?

Life is not reliably easy for most of us. There are challenges. Even “being authentic” can become one of those – think about authenticity in the context of your professional day… Is it always “safe” and “comfortable” to just be who you frankly truly are, when you are at work? For a lot of folks it doesn’t feel that way. How about at holiday dinners with extended family? What about out and about in the world? Do you adjust who you are depending on who you are with or what you are doing? (Another rhetorical question; you probably do, to some extent, that’s just part of learning to get along with a long of different people, in a lot of different circumstances. Doing it well is part of being invited back. lol) Do you take it too far and subsequently violate your own boundaries, undermine your ethical commitments, or stray outside your stated values in order to be welcomed and liked? That seems problematic… thoughts for another day, perhaps?

When you are authentically yourself 100%… do you like the results? Do you find value in the outcome? Do you enjoy who you are? Or… are you… wanting something very different from your experience? How do you seek to resolve that?

…Are you comfortable apologizing when you’ve hurt someone?

…Are you able to enjoy and appreciate who you are, exactly as you are in this moment?

…Do you consider the effect you have on those around you?

…Do you want more of yourself than you currently deliver?

…Are you succumbing to outside pressure demanding change that you don’t wish to choose for yourself?

…Who are you – and is this who you want to be?

Making some kinds of changes is hard. Like, really really hard. Becoming a different person, embracing new values, setting new (clear) boundaries, and making changes in life has the added challenge – however much you are eager to proceed down a new path – some people around you don’t want you to make those changes. They may want you to change, to be different than you are, but they have specific changes in mind that serve their needs and purposes; they are not actually invested in simply seeing you being your best self living your idea of your best life. They want you in a mold. The results would meet their needs, but would be less than ideally likely to meet yours. While that’s pretty fucked up, it says nothing about who you are – it’s about them. Pretty easy to let that go, and walk your own path with intention. 🙂

So… if you think you’re a dumbass, and you want to be “smart” and “educated”, the solution seems a bit obvious; get educated. Read books. Listen to the conversations of people smarter than you are. Makes it sound “easy”, doesn’t it? It’s not. As we educated ourselves, we pretty reliably also learn a lot about how much more we still also don’t know. The path stretches out ahead of us as we walk it. Growth is still worth it. It’s just a journey. The journey is the destination; choose your path with care, and walk it with your eyes open. 😀

I used the “dumb vs smart” example for ease. I’m feeling lazy this morning. If there’s a quality you lack as a human being, the point I’m making is that you can most likely cultivate that quality – any quality. Choose wisely; we become what we practice. There may be consequences to becoming that person that you haven’t considered or may not be aware of… Being authentically who you are is a good place to start the journey of becoming who you most want to be. The key – in my opinion – is not “faking it”. Be real. Be you. Be open. Be honest. Be (or become) self-aware. Humility is helpful, too. Learning patience has value…but here I’ve gone and started laying out the qualities I value, myself. Maybe that’s not who you want to be…?

Do you know who you want to become? It’s an important bit of knowledge. If you know who you are, and you know who you want most to be, you have a start on building a path that takes you from the one to the other, over time. (Sooo easy!! LOL)

Modern life does not make authenticity easy for human primates. We set ourselves up for failure with constant exposure to a digital world where “everyone” is doing better, seems prettier, richer, more successful… and we compare ourselves to those illusions, and wonder why we aren’t also enjoying those (often entirely staged) experiences, too? We set the bar sooo high! The comparisons, validation-seeking, likes/clicks/views, and pressure to conform or to excel result in a lot of frustration and depression for people who don’t have a sense of value as they are right now. There’s a reason that people often say things like “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”… the intended communication is about how foundational self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-compassion really are. Hard to get anywhere in life without them, no simple users guide to develop them… Complicated.

I’m in a good place this morning. I feel very much “myself”, without losing sight of things I am working to improve about myself – for myself. My coffee tastes good. The music I am listening to is lively, and tends to reinforce positive messages (helpful in this regard that my broken brain “goes meta” so often with music, in a sense I bend the lyrics to my will by zooming out a bit). I’m on my own path, and that’s not just okay – it’s chosen.

It’s a good day to live and breathe and be. A good day to choose to practice being the woman I most want to be. A good day to recognize “who I am” while I work on becoming who I most want to be.

It’s a journey. Are you ready to begin it?

…And it’s time to begin again…

It’s your adventure; choose it.
Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »