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Find the Best Within

May 5, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee over a break between catching up on everything I missed while I was out of the office for a long weekend, and getting started on all the things yet to be done with this new day. I’m thinking about what a joy the weekend was, and what a trainwreck it sometimes feel the world is (or has become). The immense value and promise of the Internet and global connectivity doesn’t change how easy it is for entities with an agenda to harvest our data – or our attention – regardless of the actual value to us as individuals, and it can be hard to detach myself from the outrage machinery and engagement-seeking drama all around. It can be done; there are verbs involved. Choices. Commitment. Will. Practice.

Choose your path and walk it.

I’m not “a perfect person” – not even close. I am seeking the best within myself, and making a point to practice the practices that serve to shore up (and improve) my mental health and emotional wellness, and build better relationships. I work hard to be become the woman I most want to be. It’s an ongoing bit of work to address character flaws, battle my inner demons, and just do my damned best to be a better person today than I was yesterday. My results vary. (Yours will too; it’s a very human experience.) Still – what better journey than this journey of self-discovery, and healing, and growth could I make over the course of a lifetime? Step by step, day by day, one practice at a time, one moment at a time… I’m finding the best within myself that I can, working to create better qualities where I find myself lacking, and living that life.

…It was a lovely weekend, celebrating love and spending time in the garden. I feel rested, nourished, and restored by the days spent on life and love in the company of my beloved Traveling Partner. I definitely needed it…

The new day began after a night of strange dreams. The sun rise was beautiful as I made the commute to the office. Traffic was light, the drive was pleasant, and my morning coffee is quite good. A nice beginning to the week. The only “fly in my ointment” this morning is this wistful pang of loss and vague persistent feeling of longing in the background; I miss my Traveling Partner intensely after 4 pleasant days spent together, present, connected, and loving. I could have worked from home, but… I doubt I’d have been able to focus on working. lol My heart is at home, in spite of the work in front of me. My thoughts are in my garden, and with my beloved. Taking a break to write, reflect, and indulge my emotions a bit is intended to let me “get back to work” more focused (the way out is through, and our emotions are not an enemy or a defect).

“Baby Love”, the first rose to bloom this year.

I sigh to myself and smile at nothing much. I sip my coffee and stretch. Life is full of next steps and new beginnings. Incremental change over time may not feel like the fastest route to lasting change, but it is a reliable one. I gaze out the window at the brilliant blue sky streaked with a single vapor trail from a passing aircraft, watching the shifting hues of green in the trees as the sun rises higher. Nice moment to pause and reflect and feel the contentment I’ve worked to build over years. I’m standing in a good spot, metaphorically speaking…nonetheless, it is time to begin again. The clock is ticking.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Raindrops and Roses

May 3, 2025 //
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I’m grateful for the warmth of the car after a chilly walk through Portland’s Rose Garden. It is beautiful here, and the rain drenched rose bushes are covered with buds, and even a handful of blossoms. It is quite early for roses here, and only the hardiest and most eager will bloom until warmer weather – but it’s close. I made the trip to see the sunrise over the city below the garden, but the once spectacular view is now obscured by trees, and it is a gray and rainy morning besides.

A glimpse of the city is all that remains of the view from this place.

I’m not disappointed. It is time well spent in a delightful formal rose garden and the air is heavy with the scent of spring flowers and petrichor. Wonderful! Azaleas and rhododendrons and wisteria are blooming. There are uncountable hues and shades of green splashed with the many colors of various flowers.

Beauty in every direction I look.

I’m grateful for the ramps around the garden these days, where once I took the stairs without hesitation – a hint that I’m not the young woman I was the first time i visited this place, some 28 years ago. I grin at my recollection. It was summer that first visit to this rose garden, and everywhere the roses were blooming. It was disappointingly crowded (it’s a very popular place), and I was distracted much of the time (no camera, and one hand on my bee sting kit all the way around the garden), and I rushed myself. I was “checking off a box” on a mental list of things one simply must see/do in Portland, as if a tourist rather than a woman who would spend the next 27 years in the area. lol I hadn’t yet moved here.

…To be fair to the woman I was, then, I was only up for the weekend, and had no idea that I’d move here some few months later.

Moments are fleeting. Let them take the time they take. Be present. There are no “do overs”, only new moments, each unique.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. My feet are damp from walking through rain-soaked grass in spite of my boots and I’m grateful for the dry socks I keep in my pack, in the car. I smile knowingly, recalling less well prepared younger versions of me. I have little in common with her, now. We’re quite different, even down to how we experience moments of joy and the inevitable passing of time. I lack her energy and ferocity, but also her impatience, emotional distance, and suppressed rage. This version of me has quite a few “upgrades”, I realize, in spite of the wear and tear on some of the parts. lol

However skillfully we plan, there’s really no knowing where the journey may lead, and stairs that are easy now, may one day feel almost impossible.

My thoughts wander to yesterday. My Traveling Partner and I worked on a garden project together. It was fun, satisfying time spent joyfully in good company. He made me a hydroponic tower garden, intending for me to grow things out of reach of the deer, using a small solar pump to circulate the nutrient solution. We tested it yesterday.

Another perspective on love. A precious shared moment.

I sigh contentedly, feeling grateful and fortunate, even content and hopeful. Satisfied? Happy? Those are good words for this feeling, too. I savor the moment, and notice with delight and a measure of awe that I happened to park the car next to a 100 year old rose. Wow.

R. canina, “Dog rose”, 100 year old specimen.

Yes, the world is a fucking shit show of idiots and monsters, and the United States is being turned into a dumpster fire by a turd driving a clown car full of trolls – but none of that has to prevent each of us from enjoying the beauty we find around us, or stop us from savoring (and nurturing) what is good in our own lives. It’s important that we fill up on small joys and simple pleasures. These experiences fortify our hearts for hard times that inevitably come. It’s a very human experience. The journey is the destination. We become what we practice.

Don’t let monsters make you monstrous.

I listen to the robins singing for a while, and watch a small squirrel (who is also watching me). Lovely morning. Soon enough it will be time to begin again. I wonder where this path leads?

There is time to enjoy the flowers on the way.
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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Waking Up to Love

May 2, 2025 //
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I’m feeling sort of tender-hearted and starry-eyed this morning. It’s another pleasant day off and I’ll likely spend quite a lot of it in the garden, which is delightful. The weather is mild and the air smells of Spring flowers and mown lawns. My Traveling Partner made me a really cute 3D printed hydroponic strawberry tower (well, or for any sort of plant that will do well in that planter), and today I’ll wash some hydroponic “rocks” for the medium, check to see if I have “grow plugs” for planting seeds, maybe make a trip to storage with my Traveling Partner for this-or-that that we have, but not immediately on-hand. Fun. I love Spring. I love the way my partner loves me.

I got home from my walk this morning and sat down to do the payday stuff without stress. Nice. Finished that pretty quickly ready to move on to other things. I overlooked a really cool 3D printed image my beloved made for me “for our anniversary” (shit! I didn’t get or give him anything but my love. LOL) He made certain I saw it, and my eye keeps coming back to it, sitting on my desk now. I feel very loved.

Ooh – pretty!

I am delighted with the work he does creatively. He’s a different sort of artist than I am, myself, and I enjoy that so very much! He makes many things for my enjoyment, and to enhance the ease in my life, and the quality of my experience day-to-day. I sometimes feel inadequate doing “little more than” domestic tasks, caregiving, and bringing home a paycheck while he’s still partially disabled. I know that I’m not inadequate at all; and he tells me every day (in words and in actions) how very much he values me – both my efforts and my presence in his life. It’s nice. Good partnership.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, add a few things to my “to-do list” for today. Garden stuff. I’m glad I took the day off for a long weekend. Sure, I certainly “earned it”, but also I need it and I am enjoying it. Good choice. Time well-spent, on love, loving, and gardening. 😀

Speaking of gardening… on my way back into the house yesterday evening from a bit of wandering in the garden with an eye out for weeds and rosebuds, I spotted “a new neighbor”. A wee fancy sort of spider clinging to the siding, munching some other sort of less-than-ideal-to-have-around spider and watching me approach. I delighted in his fancy coloring, and snapped a picture to share with my partner before this wee neighbor hid from view or moved on.

A welcome sort of wee spider.

The clock is ticking. There is an entire day ahead! Flowers to smell, seeds to plant, weeds to pull, moments to enjoy with a partner I adore – an entire life to live – and it’s my own. Wow. I think it’s a good time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

Renewal, Spring, Gratitude

April 30, 2025 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and eagerly looking forward to a long weekend. I’m taking a couple days off to enjoy my Traveling Partner’s companionship and love without having anything else to do (like work) to take my attention away from the joy that is this good partnership. 14 years married. 15 years together. Hell, I didn’t live with any previous partner, nor even my parents for 15 years! LOL This is worth celebrating. No plans, just presence. (And maybe some sleeping in?)

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and feel the simmering excitement that is, for me, a characteristic of celebrating just about anything, however small. Spring feels like a time of “renewal”, too, so there’s that. I love that we got married in springtime. Each year, as the flowers bloom all around, it feels like we renew even our love for each other. I like that. I’m grateful for this partnership; it has brought me a long way on this path I’ve chosen, and my Traveling Partner is a man I can count on for wise counsel, deep enduring affection, and honesty. I smile to myself and think “I chose wisely”. I hope he feels the same.

A rather random thought crosses my mind and fills me with a sense of my partner’s love, “he may not care at all about the flowers, but he cares deeply about how much I love my garden”. Perspective on love. I sit with that awhile, feeling both grateful and fortunate. There’s nothing about this that is “deserved” – we both work, every day, at making our love deep and strong and enduring. We earn each other’s respect and affection over and over again. We give each other reason to be grateful to share the journey for as long as we can. Some days I earnestly wish we might have the chance, truly, to live forever – just to enjoy each other longer.

I smile to myself and look out the window onto a beautiful Spring morning. The deer stopped by my garden yesterday and ate my newly planted peppers right to the ground, sampled the beans (they weren’t to her liking, apparently) and moved on. I laughed, frustrated but still merry. There is childlike delight in seeing the deer pass through, and it’s hard to be mad that they also enjoy the taste of my garden. lol I’m glad I made space for a bit more garden on the other side of the house, in a spot the deer can’t really get to at all. My “blue jay friend” who follows me around the garden while I work each year (for the last couple years) has returned to keep me company, too. He takes a position nearby when I’m in the garden, and follows me as I work, from bed to bed, from branch to branch, curious about what I’m up to, and occasionally finding a tasty bug to enjoy as I weed and water. The robins visit the lawn daily, picking bugs from the soft ground after the Anxious Adventurer waters. I love this season for so many reasons. The roses have buds now, and it is a quiet race between “Baby Love” and “Rainbow Happy Trails” to flower first. Something ate the Dahlia tubers, but the primroses are thriving. My garden is a happy sanctuary filled with lessons on resilience, patience, will, effort, love, and making good choices, and it is also a living metaphor I spend considerable time reflecting upon. I feel enriched and fortunate to have even this small garden. I laugh when I think about how many roses I’ve managed to wedge into this small space, each (all but one) thriving. More than anything else, having this small suburban home and wee garden space has contributed to a profound feeling of security in my life, much in the way that my partnership with my Traveling Partner has made me feel secure in my heart. It’s a nice place to be – and I am so grateful.

The clock ticks. The day begins. There are things to do before the long weekend comes. Choices, verbs, and my results may vary. There is no time to waste – each moment is so fleeting – but it is important not to rush them; they only come once. Each moment unique like the butterlies in my garden, and the flowers. Still… it is time to begin again. I should get started. 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, joy, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being

The Deer Like My Romaine

April 19, 2025 //
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I ended the work day, yesterday, happy to see the week end. I arrived home tired and aching, but whether that was sore muscles from previous days’ work in the garden or from my tetanus booster, I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter, does it? I almost talked myself out of heading into the garden to make good use of the sunny hours after work.

Blue sky overhead head.

I managed to stick with my current practice of going into the garden every day – ’tis the season, after all. I carried the new clematis around to the newly begun “west side garden” to plant it in a large nursery pot ready for it there. It’ll be a lovely splash of fancy pink flowers. While I’m at it, I grab the almost forgotten six-pack of arugula starts that I’d left in the front garden to plant later, deciding to plant them in the bed with the Swiss chard, and maybe add a row of more delicate salad greens of the sort prone to bolting in full summer sun. I got everything planted and watered, and did a bit of weeding and pruning in the front of garden. I felt satisfied and pleased when I quit and went inside for the evening.

Clematis “Markham’s Pink”

This morning as I left the house, I walked past the front garden smiling to myself, then noticed that the doe that visited my garden during the night (captured on camera) had eaten my romaine (which had been doing quite well). Right to the ground. I just kept walking toward the car. Nothing much to do about it. “Fucking little bitch!” I said under my breath as I passed the garden. It’s Spring. She’s probably pregnant or just recently dropped her fawn. It’s hard to be mad, really. Good healthy greens, I guess I even understand. My Traveling Partner likes romaine, too. lol

I’ll replant if necessary, of course, and I guess I need to figure out a wire cover of some kind. I think it over as I drive to the trailhead to get my walk in, along the marsh.

The forecast said sunny…

If my timing had been routine this morning, I’d have been well down the trail and unprepared when the rain shower began. Instead, I’m relaxing into the moment, enjoying my thoughts, and writing, and waiting for more light and a break in the rain. No hurry. It was nice to sleep in, even if only for 15 minutes.

There are things to learn here. I sit with my thoughts, reflecting on these experiences awhile, and enjoying the way the muted grays of winter have become the many shades of green that are Spring.

I sit wondering if the dwarf clover, vetch, and wildflowers that I planted on the shallow slope at the foot of the retaining wall will be tasty for the deer, when those grow in? The deer will be more easily able to get to them, and should happen upon them before climbing the steeper slope at the edge of the neighbor’s yard, which has to be to crossed to reach my garden beds and my roses. I planted the clover and vetch for erosion control. I planted the wildflowers for the bees and the birds. It’ll be nice if the deer enjoy them too – and leave my damned salad greens the hell alone! lol

I chuckle to myself. I’m not even mad, not really. It’s Spring. This is the way of things. I planted my garden. I made the choices. There are lessons to be learned on life’s journey and my results will vary. The trick is to move forward with new knowledge and wisdom gained from experience. Hell, I’m even grateful for the unexpected rain; it’s good for the garden after a few warm sunny days. I sit awhile longer thinking about my garden as a metaphor before putting on my boots and reaching for my rain poncho.

The clock is ticking. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, joy, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Roses, Spring, The Art of Being
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