Archives for category: Sleepless Nights
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Black Coffee & A Backache

April 25, 2014 //
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I woke at 1:37 am to a loud bang. I returned to sleep. I woke again at 4:21 am for no reason that was obvious, and went back to sleep again. When I woke to the alarm, it was a bit as if I was never sleeping. My brain seemed pretty busy from about 1:37 am on until the morning alarm. Mostly playing mc chris’ “Tarantino” on repeat in the background of my consciousness. What’s that about? My back aches with the ‘everyday pain’ of arthritis. Yoga is difficult this morning. Sitting with good posture is difficult.

My coffee is neither creamy nor sweet.

This morning these are simply my experience, my observations. I feel pretty positive and basically ‘okay’ as an emotional being. It’s a nice change from Wednesday.

Wednesday, a bit like this.

Wednesday, a bit like this.

Yesterday wasn’t bad at all. It started well, ended comfortably, and aside from a distinct lack of physical comfort in my experience, the day proceeded well between the beginning and end.  Yesterday’s high points? Love, and roses.

"Baby Love" rose [Scrivens, 1992] first to bloom in my garden this year.

“Baby Love” rose [Scrivens, 1992] first to bloom in my garden this year.

My very human experience has its ups and downs. This morning is still so new there’s no knowing. I meditate, sip coffee, study, do yoga, and prepare to face the world. I feel, for the moment, content and complete, in spite of my arthritis, in spite of pain, in spite of the headache, the bitterness of my coffee, or the slightly sick feeling of mornings. A little later than now, I’ll leave for work, probably have to remind myself to grab my cane before I go; it is an encumbrance as much as a help, and like I child I tend to abandon it anywhere I happen to sit down, if I happen to stand up with ease when I return to movement. lol

In spite of pain, and the unsteadiness of my knees lately, I still walk as much as I can. I’m still getting in about 5 miles a day, about 3 of that is commute, spread out over the morning and evening, and 2 miles for a walk midday. If I ‘give my knees a rest’ and allow myself to succumb to the illusion that not using them will somehow put things right, I put myself at risk of gaining weight, pretty much immediately. I keep walking every day I can put weight on my knees and ankles at all. (I’m heavier than I’d like to be, and very much aware of the toll that is taking on my knees and ankles. Stabilizing my weight below 200 lbs is within reach, and I’ll be very happy to hit that benchmark.)

Still, the pain is what it is, and it is part of my experience. As much as I look forward to the beauty of spring, and a lovely walk on a nice day, there’s a bit of a ‘Little Mermaid” element to it; every step may be painful. Growth has often felt that way to me; every step painful, journey and destination worth the difficulty.

Pain is a shared experience. Most people have some. It’s odd to be in a group of people and observe that one person commenting on their experience of pain or discomfort tends to launch a round of compare/contrast statements, with some one-up-man-ship thrown in for flavor. I try to stay out of those, and regret it when I launch one. Few things result in feeling less heard about hurting than everyone else chiming in about how much they also hurt. Everyone wants to feel heard about pain.  I’m not sure anyone ever does.  Our own pain is so visceral. The pain of others tends to be far less so.  I have been working on compassion first, sympathy, understanding – hearing that this human being speaking to me is hurting, and recognizing their experience, without sharing mine, even out of sympathy. (Allowing them to have their experience, feel nurtured and supported, and not diminished by my experience, or denied the opportunity to be individual. ) I don’t know that it does or does not ‘work’ any better than countering every tale of discomfort with one of my own, but it seems likely to be less annoying or dismissive.

It’s Friday. Looks like a quiet solo evening on the calendar. I find myself hesitant to be at all excited about it. I’d rather not become invested in the outcome and have to deal with disappointment if life throws some changes in the mix. I’m eager to spend some time on my writing and dive deeply into meditation without a timer, clock, or deadline on the other side.  It’d be nice to look forward to doing that pain-free, but that’s unrealistic these days, so I don’t bother about the pain until it speaks up with enough force to be a real game-changer.

Friday. Black coffee. A backache. Spring flowers. A quiet morning. This is not only ‘not bad’ – it’s actually pretty good.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Sleepless Nights, Spring, Words

Having Some Technical Difficulties

April 23, 2014 //
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Lately, my knees are making it hard to walk comfortably. I’m not sure what that’s about, certainly it could be any one of a number of things, including ‘aging’.  I’ve also been having more difficulties with spelling than I used to, and dropping words when I write, using opposites when I speak, and generally struggling to communicate simply.  More effort has been required for the same result. This frustrates and worries me. The worry shows up in other places; my manicure is not so well maintained, and I sometimes catch myself rubbing my hands, although they don’t hurt.

This is a very human experience.

Easter came and went. Earth day, too, has come and gone. Spring is quickly heading for summer, although the weather here is quite cool and rainy and not giving away much in the way of intention to progress toward summer.

Pure loveliness.

Pure loveliness.

This morning I don’t have much to say about everyday drama, or work, or growth. I’m a little too sensitive to the aging thing this morning. I am in a little too much pain to be concerned with the puzzles of being and becoming. I’m not sleeping well, although I am sleeping enough to be reasonably rested it doesn’t give my mind the downtime it needs. My dreams are filled with ancient hurts being enacted in newer symbols and a cast of characters from my present, making my waking life seem subtly colored by hidden stress, and secret pain.

I’m prone to tears. Hormones? Unresolved anger? Failure to take care of me by being willing to prioritize my needs high on my own to do list? Arthritis? Menopause? Failure to nurture my relationships well? Headaches? I don’t know. Perhaps any or all of that in some combination? I feel tired when I think about it. I can quickly go from tired to angry. I am easily provoked.  Where the hell do all these tears come from? Why am I crying so much?

Is there a storm on the horizon?

Is there a storm on the horizon?

Mindfulness still matters, still eases my suffering, still settles and calms me. Meditation still helps me find balance, relax, breathe, and give myself compassion. I’m still ‘taking care of me’ and working with my physician on matters of my health, with my therapist on matters of my mind, and with my loves on matters of the heart. Progress. Growth. Wellness.

Sometimes I feel very much like something inside me has to work very hard to keep something else inside me from just giving up. I feel sad to see those words as my fingers skip across the keys. Tears fall. Some days are more work than others.

Today is a good day to see beauty. Today is a good day to recognize the kindness in a smile. Today is a good day for strong coffee. Today is a good day to choose well, and to love wholeheartedly. Today I still have the opportunity to choose to change the world…

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Sometimes More Than Others

April 18, 2014 //
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Yesterday was a weird hodge-podge of ups and downs, and challenges and small victories. My physician recommended some changes in my health medication; changes in medication are always complicated and a bit agonizing for me. It’s that the changes themselves are difficult to adjust to. I sure never really contemplated the psychological/emotional effects of everyday health medications – even the OTC stuff often has effects that just aren’t detailed in the literature in any efficient way. So… some emotional ups and downs, and a fairly chronic feeling that ‘something’s off’, on top of headaches, panic attacks, blue moments of nearly suicidal intensity, negative ideations with such power I find it hard to be at all certain my life has meaning or value, or that I have any real worth as a being. It’s pretty horrible.

I will be okay, though – I’m a few days into now, and it’s getting better. I’ve learned more about accepting that some of my experience may not be tied to the part of reality I expect it to be – like the blue moods being part of the medication change, rather than part of anything truly emotional going on.

I haven’t named names – what is this mystery chemical, so readily available, so problematic? Well, see, here’s the thing – you are a different human being. Your issues are not mine, and vice versa. Could be one or another OTC drug does sit well with you – maybe you prefer Tylenol to Ibuprofen, for instance, but ‘don’t really know why’ – could be a preference, marketing, bias, or it could be that you feel differently on one over the other. Most people feel safe enough that the OTC drugs available to them are ‘safe enough’. 🙂  Why rock that boat? I’m not a doctor. I’m just saying, my own experience personally, is that some of the OTC drugs commonly available don’t treat me well – and worse to go off of, than to take.

Anyway… today does feel better. I feel better. 🙂 It isn’t always sunny days on this journey; it is, however, Friday. Maybe I’ll sleep in tomorrow?

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, grief, Healthy Living, Menopause, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Words

Please, Thank you, I’m sorry

March 13, 2014 //
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Words are powerful. What we say can change our experience. What we hear can change our understanding of the world.  Sometimes words seem insufficient. Sometimes words are so visceral as to become unspeakable. Sometimes sharing the words that describe our pain, our trauma, our suffering, or the horrors we fear in our darkest nights, is more than we can bear to do, however badly we need to hear those words aloud.

A lens, a mirror, a metaphor.

A lens, a mirror, a metaphor.

I went to my appointment yesterday. Words were spoken that I didn’t expect to hear in my own voice, maybe never in my lifetime. I did not know I had the will to speak them. The journey ahead of me is still a long one. I have come so far… there is so much farther to go.

Maybe words are just too much, even now. Letters are enough, more than enough: PTSD, MST, TBI. It’s still not ‘easy’ to talk about some things. It’s getting easier to accept the unspeakable, to give myself compassion, to take a moment to treat myself well.

I do have words for those along the journey who have offered directions, a light in the darkness, a moment of rest, or comfort; “thank you”.  If I’ve hurt you along the way, lashing out in fear and rage and grief without thought, I have words for you, too; “I’m sorry”.

If you are suffering, now, treading water in your unfathomable icy sea of pain and regret and hurt, or considering your own ‘final solution’ to the chaos and damage, just wanting a moment to rest, beyond caring about beginnings and ends, I have words for you, too. “Please.” (That’s the first of them.) “Please, be a survivor, not a victim; don’t let pride, shame or fear make you a statistic. Don’t let trauma win. Ask for help. Talk about it. Use your words. If you’ve got to go down, go down fighting – you matter.”

Ask for the help you need. If you can, you may find the healing you seek.

Dawn.

Dawn.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, grief, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

Headaches and Nightmares

March 12, 2014 //
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Just before dawn.

Just before dawn.

I woke from nightmares with a headache. I felt dried out like a husk of a person, a vessel, a shell, a pottery shard. Thirsty. Confused as I realized that my intensely emotional nightmare of being unable to return my lovers phone call – when he had so kindly given me his phone to do so. I experienced a level of frustration that woke me anxiously, overheated but not sweating, and feeling incredible pressure to perform. Quite unpleasant. Oddly, as I woke I was arguing with a man who was reassuring me that he could drive me there, no need to be frustrated…and it was nearly half an hour before I realized 1. I couldn’t have completed that call to my lover; I had his phone and 2. it was he who was offering me the reassuring ride to meet him. Dreams.

Today I take the car to work. Today I go to an appointment I don’t really want to deal with – my VA mental health care provider is retiring and handing me off to the next. This makes… 4? 5? Has it been 6? There’s no way to get there but by taking the highways, too. It all sucks a great deal.

I will endeavor to do it mindfully, nonetheless, and gently on the hearts of others.

…And, from the other side of the morning commute, the morning seems quite lovely so far. Being gentle with myself, and the world, and treating myself well by taking my time and letting go of any sense of urgency is serving me well, so far.  Morning coffee with a partner, pleasant conversation, a sense of support and encouragement, an affectionate and loving start to the day was quite nice. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights
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