My morning was delightful. My day was productive. Sometime late in the afternoon a mini-storm of resentment and irritation washed over me and colored the end of my work day a very different shade. I have no idea what set me off, really, but I’m only now – some hours later – taking myself in hand effectively and turning my evening in more pleasant direction.
I slowed myself down as I exited the office, and paused to taste the air, and inhale deeply, before starting down the walk to head for home. It was a lovely afternoon; I had gone for a walk on my lunch break, along the creek, through the trees, nibbling blackberries and trying to catch pictures of dragonflies.
I succeeded in taking a picture of my own foot, without any effort at all, but not one picture of a dragonfly.
The blackberries are fat, ripe and very sweet, and the clusters of the best berries often seem to hang just out of reach – some days that very much seems the way of things. I see the words, and I understand it is a matter of my perspective – a sort of emotional ‘trick of the light’.
Are the best ones really out of reach, or do I overlook the wonders at hand gazing into the distance for what is not easily available to me?
It was a lovely walk. I noticed a number of things along the way that serve me well this evening, as I let go of my irritation one picture at a time…
…I am reminded that what I see is often very much a matter of…
…where I direct my gaze; this picture was taken from precisely the same spot as the prior picture. I looked up, instead of down.
Sometimes it’s such small things that sooth me – or tear me down. I wonder how many times in a day I look into the eyes of another human being without recognizing that although we are each having our own experience…we are also very much in this thing together.
Where will my path take me?
I do my best, every day – mostly – every moment – by some valuations of ‘every’. I could do better sometimes than I do. That’s okay, too. If I notice that I’ve stopped practicing some practice that really works for me when I do it (it doesn’t matter why), I can simply begin again. Letting go of any requirement to berate myself for my fundamental humanity, and recognizing that I need my best care and affection as much as anyone else might… it’s entirely okay to recognize mistakes, misunderstandings, misplaced steps, misspoken words, poor choices, hesitation, doubt, fear, and old-fashioned hand-crafted baggage – it’s all so very human. 🙂 I just begin again. No kidding.
Getting some perspective works for me. I know not every moment of every day can be in the highlight reel; on the average, things are average.
It’s been quite a week. Highs and lows. New experiences. Work. Love. It’s been a good week, actually. It’s entirely possible that I am simply tired – my injury is such that when fatigue sets in, I am moodier, less balanced, easily irritated, prone to tears, and often also in a lot of pain. This fragile vessel only holds so much. Like a little kid, I can be fussy if I am tired and over-stimulated.
Finding a suitable place to pause and reflect is worthwhile. In the stillness I more easily hear myself, and understand what I need.
I am enjoying this sense of being able to reset, and content that I didn’t lose my temper, or fall to pieces – I just experienced a bit of irritation, at the end of a long and busy work day. It feels like an achievement – so I take time this evening and celebrate with a silent high-five with myself, and a relaxed evening. I am okay right now. It’s a nice feeling.
Incremental change is. Practicing the practices works. I’ll just stay on this path right here…one step at a time is enough.
Evening Light 