Archives for category: Turning 50
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A Thought on a Subject

February 26, 2013 //
4

I’ve struggled so much for so long ‘to feel heard’… and frankly, we have built a global culture that commonly overlooks the voices of women, and that hurts all by itself, but it hit me…  If I live my own life, on my own terms, treating myself well…choosing my values based on my own judgement and understanding of my experience and circumstances, and living them… building healthy relationships based on mutual respect, reciprocity, and treating each other well… and experiencing my life in a ‘mindful’ way… will I still ‘feel unheard’? Is the person who is not hearing me… me?  It certainly seems like a thought worth pursuing.

Have years of rage, despair, and frustration actually been entirely about me, treating myself well, feeling compassion for my own experience… hearing myself?  It feels a little… selfish. Me, me me… and I hear others reminding me ‘it isn’t all about me’… but some of it is ‘all about me’… and I find myself facing conflict head on within myself. The battle for real understanding of what is ‘all about me’ and what is not… learning to heal, learning to exist comfortably in my own experience of life, and learning who I am, and how to treat myself well… maybe once I am done with that, I can learn to love well, too. 😀

I’ve managed to turn a few other odd notions on their heads in the past couple days… just at the moment I am awed at what an amazing experience this really is. (Nice job, Brain.)

A very good Tuesday…

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Mindfulness… Interesting

February 26, 2013 //
3

It’s a good Tuesday. It’s a good day for any day of the week. Nothing extraordinary about it, just chill and good… The mindfulness practices and reading that I have been doing seems to be getting me… somewhere. Somewhere good. For now I don’t have a lot more to say about it – I don’t know enough.  There is a part of me that would like to say ‘Mindfulness, eh? Who knew?’ but I can’t even form the words without thinking about thousands of years of mindfulness practices, traditions, philosophies and beliefs that exist. I am getting to the party rather late. lol.

Will ‘everything be alright’? I don’t know. Will I find peace and happiness, or at least lasting contentment? I don’t know that either. I do know that asking myself different questions, and being more fully aware in my experience has value for me right now. I’m good with that – it’s a nice start to something better.  There are a lot of things going on around me to enjoy, observe, and experience.

Yesterday was good – pretty awesome, actually, and I have the sense that I gained understanding on a couple of things that are very relevant to me right now.  Today is, too, a nice reminder that setting internal expectations has the potential to alter experience itself, or color it consistent with the chosen definitions and map; I didn’t ‘anticipate the day’, and I am exploring just living it. Less dread. Less fear. Less doubt. Nice change.

Enjoy your Tuesday, you only get one this week. 😉

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

The Brain Attacks!!

February 25, 2013 //
1

Welcome to Monday. A good one so far, and I’m glad for it. I thought thoughts walking in to work, and some of them may have been profound, possibly share worthy, but by the time I got to work there were really only two things, distilled from almost an hour of walking meditations, that I still wanted to share:

1. It was an overall good weekend – except for the sucker punch my brain delivered to my heart, soul and experience on Sunday morning. Wow. Lethal. I am more thankful than words can express that I have partners with the will and ability to ‘be there for me’ as much as they are, as often as they are, and considering how easily I can, and how often I have, hurt them. I am also extremely appreciative, this morning, that I am alive today – funny thing to say, perhaps, but if you could know the experiences I have already survived across 49 years, it would seem less surprising that I might feel so grateful that existence – mine – continues today. 😀  It is certainly something to cherish, celebrate, and enjoy – even the difficult bits.  So that’s one thing to share.

2. A metaphor… I love music. I started thinking about life and music… and I got this.  There is more than one sort of musician. A skilled studio musician may be a virtuoso with an instrument, or style, well-versed in technique, reading music, bringing ‘a sound’ – and creates music with those tools and skills, but perhaps doesn’t compose or create.  A DJ makes music too – using other people’s music, samples, their own creativity at mixing, bringing elements of varied styles together to create a sound, but perhaps doesn’t have the technical expertise about music theory that might be expected or found more commonly among very technically proficient musicians, or virtuosi.  There are also ‘rock stars’ – gifted performers, composers, musicians – beings of amazing style and ability to capture or drive the zeitgeist, to influence or herald social and cultural change, and I’m sure we’ve all noticed they are not always exceptional or gifted musicians.  In life – which of these am I, I wondered? I realized pretty quickly that although there are qualities of each of these I would very much like to embody, I am probably that guy in his garage with a beat up instrument he got cheap in a pawn shop, who hears music in his head, loves to listen to his favorite tracks and sings along with all his favorite songs… and can’t read a note, and barely picks out a modestly recognizable rendition of the guitar riff from ‘Smoke on the Water’, slowly. That’s not a good or bad thing… but it is sure important to know that about oneself. 🙂  If that guy sticks with it, learns some basics, and figures out what he really wants out of music (life), and applies himself to achieving those goals, he’ll probably get somewhere worth going… on the other hand… if he struts around like a rock star, telling his friends he’s awesome, and showing off what he doesn’t understand… well… I know that guy. You probably know that guy. In life and love, I think I am that guy… and I have a choice to make. I choose to be a humble and honest student of life and love… there’s plenty to learn.   (Thanks, Brain, this one almost makes up for your shenanigans yesterday.)

…and now back to our usual Monday line up… 😉

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Plotting a Happier Ven

February 23, 2013 //
2

Knowing we are each having our own experience (and I’m assuming you do know that, possibly accept and/or understand it, or are willing to participate in this moment with me by temporarily suspending your skepticism on this point…) it still hasn’t been easy to describe or even understand why some things hurt, however briefly, when upon rational examination they seem so reasonable. Take ‘feedback’ for example. (I’ll define that as a moment of verbal information offered from one individual to another regarding a specific shared experience or communication that the offered information addresses directly, either by way of a desired correction in verbiage, demeanor, or behavior, or to offer praise in support of specific verbiage, demeanor, or behavior. Sound reasonable? I’m hoping that definition excludes humor, and meanness… ) I sometimes take feedback very badly – and sometimes quite appreciatively and graciously (I know, I’ve been there. lol).  It’s got to be hard on people who care about me to find themselves facing tears over sometime really simple and well-intended. I’m very sure I’m right about that, because they also often seem very relieved and appreciative when it goes well.  I think I figured out something about the feedback thing I didn’t understand before… but, I am not sure I can easily describe what I think I understand.

How about a metaphor? If I am holding hands with my lover, and gently stroking the delicate skin of the inside of their wrist with my thumb, softly, sensuously, over and over… eventually, even though I love them, and even though initially it probably felt lovely, it becomes irritating (try it, don’t take my word for it). Likewise, if I am wounded or have an injury, touches, however gentle, to that source of pain will definitely hurt – even if the intention is not hurtful, and the touch itself, in some other place, would be welcome.  So… perhaps, some specific topics of feedback, or specific requests, delivered often enough over a lifetime eventually sting a bit, even if they are ‘right on the mark’ and quite properly needful, and even ‘welcomed’ once the sting is gone? Perhaps some feedback lands on old wounds that are not properly healed? Yep… I think that gets my point… but I don’t know what to properly do with this thought. (Other than ‘share it with the world via blog post’. lol) How do I hear and make use of good feedback without taking it personally or allowing it to pull at old wounds? I know I can’t reasonably expect my loved ones and friends to read my mind, or know what bits of long-standing pain and delicacy are lurking in my great unknown.  One more thing to think about.

I’m in a good place today. It’s a nice day at home, doing some housework, doing some homework, and hoping that each opportunity to share an experience with my partners is the sort that builds a memory worth hanging onto for a lifetime. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

Painful Progress

February 22, 2013 //
5

Woke in a bad place, after a decent night’s sleep, that had followed another demonstration of my lack of social skill and saying it sucked doesn’t say enough. I am too fragile and volatile this morning to write fairly, meaningfully, and in a way that has lasting value for me to reflect on, myself. Today I will venture forth anxious, and doing my best to treat myself well… I really need me to be here for me, right now.

Maybe something more later. Be safe, World, and treat the people you meet with compassion and kindness; you can’t know the challenges they face, or suffering they feel, without asking, and listening… And you rarely seem to have the time, or sympathy, afterall you hurt, too.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
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