Archives for posts with tag: be the change

Restless Night

August 28, 2018 //

I didn’t sleep well. The alarm was an unwelcome interruption of what little sleep I did manage to get. I woke groggy and irritable. Well, shit. It’s a work day, and I’m facing it rather grimly over my morning coffee. It’s only Tuesday. I sigh, and sip my coffee.

Mornings like this one are hard sometimes. Really waking up. Hard. Managing my emotional balance. Hard. Maintaining a pleasant office-appropriate demeanor. Hard. All of it still at the top of my list of shit that needs to get done today. lol

I continue drinking my coffee, and I give some thought to the resources available to me to get through the day, and get all the things done… Well… I’ve got coffee. That’s something. I can start there. The warm cup in my hands is soothing, pleasant, and I savor the sensation. It’s even a good cup of coffee. The environment here is lovely. Quiet. Tidy. Something to look forward to coming back to. I can make it an early night if I choose. I can bring a healthy lunch to the office and practice good self-care, fairly easily. Doing so will insulate my fatigued self from potential missteps through the day.

I wake up, slowly, and as I do, I feel less unprepared for my feeling of fatigue, more able to cope with it. It’s a good beginning. Another cup of coffee, and I will be ready for the drive, too.

I smile. Finish this cup of coffee, and get ready to begin again. 🙂

Tags anxiety, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, finally fell asleep, good self-care, I didn't sleep at all last night, mindfulness matters, practicing the practices, ptsd, so tired, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, tossing and turning, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

Another Turn of the Wheel

August 27, 2018 //

I woke ahead of the alarm this morning. I was already smiling. What a lovely weekend this was. I smile through my yoga. I smile through my shower. I smile while I am making coffee, and while I am sipping it in the darkness, pre-dawn, on the deck, in the cool morning air. There is the smallest hint of autumn in the air. I smile at that, too.

…A quiet content thought is voiced silently in the background even as I stand smiling in the darkness. “This too shall pass.” It’s true, too; there is no state of being that is “forever”. Moments pass. Experiences fade from recollection. Intensity of emotion diminishes over time. Flowers wither and their color fades. Friends move on. Relationships end. Jobs, situations, circumstances… things change with the passage of time. Like a great DJ set, sometimes we fail to notice change in the moment, realizing after-the-fact that change has come over us.

I’m still smiling.

This moment right here? Choice. It’s a good one, no doubt. I could, of course, reach out into the world for something to unsettle or distress me. There’s plenty out there. There’s also more than ample opportunity later for the world to knock the smile off my face. This smile, too, shall pass – at some point. I don’t need to rush that process. I sip my coffee, still smiling, listening to music from a party I did not attend in person, and appreciating the technology that lets me enjoy it now. It’s a good start to a Monday, a smile and great music… an excellent start, in fact, to an entire week. Still smiling, I glance at the clock.

…It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags Bass Church, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, change is, choose wisely, crushing on the DJ, dance to the music, emotional self sufficiency, experience, I am my own cartographer, it's a big menu, it's almost like being there, live this moment here, Mondays are okay too, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, present, ptsd, smiling, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, this too shall pass and that's okay, what matters most?, you had to be there

Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Some Days

August 24, 2018 //

Some days it is enough to wake up smiling. 🙂

I am sipping my coffee, and listening to my Traveling Partner’s quiet breathing as he sleeps in the other room. This, too, is enough. 🙂

It’s even Friday – how much better will this one moment get? 🙂

This? This is what “happy” feels like. There’s no point chasing it; it doesn’t come to us by way of chasing it down. I sip my coffee, enjoy the moment. I am content that this, too, yes, will pass. Change is. New beginnings are. Fighting change is as pointless a waste of time as chasing happiness. It’s just not the most effective approach.

I sip my coffee, while I embrace change – all the many small twists and turns on life’s journey, the opportunities, the challenges, they add up over time. Skillfully managed, incremental change over time is simply part of being, and part of becoming. It helps to have a result in mind – and to refrain from clinging to that outcome as though it were a given (it isn’t). It helps to make choices – not just endure the changes inflicted upon you by circumstance.

Small things are slightly different this morning. The door to the studio is closed to minimize the noise of the keyboard that might reach the bedroom. The car is in the garage to make room for another car in the driveway. There is a warm, breathing, much-loved human being sleeping in my bed. The wheel keeps turning. I may wake up alone tomorrow. I’m even okay with that.

This moment? It’s enough, just as it is.

It’s already time to begin again, nonetheless.

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, love, love and lovers, love me do, meditation, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

August 23, 2018 //

I started to type a phrase into the text box, and got only as far as the word “next”, and sad numbly for a moment, struck by the observation that it definitely appeared to be spelled quite incorrectly… although… it isn’t. Huh. I sip my coffee, and stare at it awhile, no longer certain where I was going with the thought, at all.

Why am I writing today? I mean… routine, sure. It’s a practice, but… this morning I struggle to connect it with my thoughts or experience, and that, too, strikes me as strange.

I hear the trickle of the aquarium in the background. I’ve been ready to “decommission” it for several weeks now. The livestock are gone (some due to age, some through misadventure – a power outage while I was away – and some re-homed, prepared to drain the tank). I am away to often to care for my aquarium easily, and I am living a life that no longer requires serious masking sounds to ease my anxiety; there is no yelling in the background here, no day-to-day tension between others, or infiltrating my own experience. Those conditions, taken together, result in the aquarium becoming a higher maintenance element of my surroundings than I want to make time for. I chose change instead… then sort of got stalled half way through, because I am also quite human. I haven’t been particularly self-conscious about it – I’ll get to it, perhaps this weekend?

I look around this room, and through the open doorway, into the next. There always seems to be a “next” – a next task, a next project, a next moment, a next weekend… but we are mortal creatures. One day, “next” is also… “last”. I sigh out loud and sip my coffee, committing silently to tidying up and finishing things and putting stuff right and following up on loose ends… all the things. I regularly do. I often still end the day with some “next” thing that I really need to wrap up… the next day.

I smile at myself. This morning, a great many of my “nexts” are about the upcoming weekend, and about my Traveling Partner. We shared a great phone call yesterday, and I came away from it delightedly expecting that he could realistically show up more or less any time at all… maybe even… the next day. Wow. That lifted me up in the most remarkable way! It also filled my head with shit I now rather urgently want to get done, because I like to be a good hostess, and with the busy weekend ahead, and a possibly imminent visit from my Traveling Partner, things like that one waste basket I overlooked emptying are really standing out to me now. lol I find myself thinking about detailing the bathrooms, and changing the linens, and wondering if the patio door glass is clean, and how long has it been since I dusted? Already I am impatient about the work day ahead. Already I am eager to return home and get to work on the housekeeping. lol

I sip my coffee, think about life and love and wonder “what’s next?” I guess I’ll have to begin again to find out. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, listening deeply, love and lovers, MBSR, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Bitch, Be Humble

August 22, 2018 //

“I’m no expert, but…”

I woke with those words in my head. Weird. I sip my coffee and consider them. It’s true. I’m not an expert. It’s not necessary to ask “at what”, because the answer will ideally be the same most every time; at whatever you’re asking about. I have more to learn. More to learn at my job. More to learn about great self-care. More to learn about love. More to learn about perspective. More to learn about being the very best human being I can practically be. More to learn about where my values will take me in life. More to learn about the consequences of my actions. More to learn about how my words affect others. More to learn about the world and other cultures. More to learn about letting go of attachment. More to learn about success. More to learn about balance. More to learn about “basic human decency”. More to learn about consideration. More languages, more math, more science, more philosophy, more… books to read.

There’s a lot to know, that I do not know.

I have more to learn. I am a student of life. Yep, still. I have practices to practice. Homework to do. A journey to take. A path to follow. It is seriously not in my best interests (nor is it my intention) to be aggressively certain, or to pursue “being right”; I’ll learn less if I take that approach, and omg there is so much to learn!

I have more questions than answers. I’m okay with this.

I remember a time in my life when I was rather more than a little bit arrogant about my intellect and my beauty. It did not serve me well, and let’s face it; beauty, most particularly, is a fleeting quality (not to mention, exceedingly subjective). As it turned out, there are tons of people both smarter and more educated than I am – and there definitely always will be, because there is so much to know. There are also uncountable others who are lovelier, more beautiful, cuter, prettier, sexier, fitter, and/or more stunningly gorgeously photogenic than I will ever be – or ever was. This is just real. It’s not about being “down on myself”, I’m simply sharing something about perspective that I did eventually sort out, over time; there are vast numbers of people, and I will never meet them all, and still, there is someone, somewhere, regardless, who is better/faster/stronger/smarter/something-er than I was, am, or will become. This has to be entirely okay, or I will spend myself chasing skills, qualities and accolades, and lose precious perspective on just enjoying my life. 🙂

I sip my morning coffee with a smile. I figured something out awhile ago; be humble. I’ve certainly seemed to be less insufferable, as a result. lol 😉

It’s okay to choose change – to willfully make changes that nudge me in the direction of becoming the woman I most want to be. Better than okay; it feels pretty empowering to choose to live my life, my way. Being humble about life, about my mistakes, about my progress – about who I am, in the context of my experience – gives me the opportunity to learn more, to go farther, and to share the journey with more fellow travelers.

It’s time to begin again. Choose your path. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be humble, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, choose your path, emotional self sufficiency, experience, I am my own cartographer, let that shit go, mindfulness for beginners, more to learn, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?, you're not The One

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being

Restless Night

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Another Turn of the Wheel

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Some Days

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Next

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Bitch, Be Humble

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