This morning I walked in the dark, with the light of my headlamp making a small visible circle ahead of me, bobbing along with my steps. I walked with my thoughts, and not much else. I was thinking about a question I’d proposed to myself recently (“How does my partner see me, in the abstract, and how does this differ from the woman I am?”), but this morning, I flipped it around and asked myself “who do I understand my Traveling Partner to be, in my recollections, when we are not together, and how does that differ from my lived experience with him when we are together?” It seems useful to understand the variances that may exist, and maybe where those may come from, and what purpose they serve (or problems they may create). Am I holding space for my Traveling Partner to be the man he truly is? Do I love that man, or just a fantasy of who I think he may be? Do I give him the freedom (and support) to change over time and become the man he most wants to be? Do I have an opportunity to be a better lover, friend and partner through understanding him more…accurately? Am I making it more difficult for us to really enjoy each other by holding on to romanticized adolescent notions of the man he is – or worse perhaps, not recognizing his real self with gratitude and delight because I’ve “got baggage”? These seem to be worthwhile questions. I walked along reflecting on them.
The days continue to shorten, and I finished my walk in darkness and hustled on to the office to start the work day. Writing had to wait on a later moment; there were more important things to do, and to think about, as I began this day. I never saw the sun rise, and when it eventually did it rose on a gray cloudy day that looks like it might rain. I wouldn’t call it “bland and uninteresting”, but it wasn’t the colorful display of recent mornings, at all.
Yesterday, I was still pretty under the weather, and I had managed to pass on the ick to my Traveling Partner, likely by way of my happy-to-be-home kiss and embrace on Sunday morning, just based on timing. I’m already pretty much over it – sufficiently so to feel comfortable going in to the office today. I’m hopeful that he’ll soon be over it, too. It sucked having to reschedule his appointments, around which my away plans had been built in the first place. lol Change is. Reality does not give a shit about my damned plans.
…Later…
I took a break. Enjoyed a moment to catch up with a colleague I rarely see in person. Exchanged some cute “stickers” via messaging with my Traveling Partner. Tackled some priority workload. Finally found myself once again in this other here and now, feeling just a bit as if it is a sort of “alternate reality” in which I am always relaxed, thoughtful, and contented. lol. “Living the dream.”
How is it already time to begin again…?
Evening Light 