Archives for posts with tag: being and becoming

Begin. Begin something, somewhere.

It’s a metaphor.

Beginnings are funny things… sometimes they are also endings. 🙂

Try. Fail. Learn. Grow. Begin again. Repeat as needed.

Regardless of other outcomes, each time we reflect on failure, we grow. Each moment of our growth develops our wisdom. As our wisdom deepens (or doesn’t; we have choices) we become more who we truly are.

We become what we practice.

Are you ready to begin, somewhere? The world is waiting…

I woke in pain this morning. Ah, but, I am also undeniably well-rested. That’s something. I scrolled through my feed too early, not quite awake, and fucking hell, the news is not very pleasant. On the other hand, there’s also quite a lot of hopeful news, and, historically, a lot of forward momentum, too. So… I guess that’s something to hold onto. Back and forth – finding “balance” is its own challenge. Like a pendulum or a see-saw, my experience, mood, perspective, and general sense of both wellness and self, shift, swing, adjust, wobble… It’s kinda crazy up in here. You, too?

Where is your fulcrum? What do you pivot on? What supports that search for balance, and soothes your stress? For me, it’s “now”. Just that, and it’s pretty basic, uncomplicated stuff. I come back to this present quiet moment, right here. If “now” is also really super shitty (and not the national or global heart-wrenching what-the-fuck-is-going-on “now”, we’re talking about our personal right here, this instant, “now”) I may need to walk on, get some distance, and work from some other slightly future “now”, when I get to it – more often than not I simply need to let go my attachment to something or other I’ve begun to cling to emotionally, and be truly present, myself, in this “now” right specifically here where I am, myself.

A flower. A moment. There is effort in tending my garden with care.

I woke in pain. Yeah, that sucks. Could be worse pain than it is. That’s something. Perspective is a big deal. I don’t focus on other moments of worse pain, though, that’s sort of backwards, as it happens. I sit gently with my thoughts, contemplating entirely other things than pain, at all. There’s the art show tomorrow night. That’s a thing. I’m excited about it. I consider the work I’ve selected, and what all I may need for the evening, generally, and the pain slips from my consideration for a time. I share a moment of conversation with a far away friend over my coffee. I water the container garden on the deck in the lavender light of dawn, before the summer sunrise. Perspective helps me find balance.

Carefully selected work waiting to be seen.

I sip my coffee, already past that irksome moment when I observed I’d yet again allowed myself to run out of “easy options”. I smirked at myself, leaning on the counter for support, hurting, painfully aware (literally) that the state of things is entirely my own doing, for me to manage. There’s plenty to make coffee with; it all requires effort. Effort, I point out to the woman in the mirror, is not a swear word, and is, in fact, a goal. Making more of it results in greater emotional and physical wellness, and connects me more fully to the things that matter to me most. There are verbs involved, and don’t I know it! I pull myself upright with a sigh, and make a pour over. My coffee is very good this morning. Better than convenient. Better than easy. Made with love. There’s a lesson in here somewhere.

Back and forth with myself all morning. Finding balance. Using perspective. Making an effort. Practicing practices. I smile and sip my coffee.

…Then sneeze, spilling coffee in my lap, and rather hilariously also sneezing it all over my keyboard. Damn it. Already time to begin again. 😉

I carefully flipped through stacked canvases, and pictures in my archives, considering this one, then that one, understanding that as a last-minute additional to an upcoming art show just days away, I’d likely have little space. The choices matter. (Don’t the choices always matter?) After selecting several canvases, in a couple of sizes, and deciding on bringing along some work on paper, too, I set all that aside in favor of a quiet evening of housekeeping, meditation, and self-care. It was a pleasant evening, well-spent.

I stayed away from the echo chamber of public comments on the internet. I avoided the outrage-machine of news media. I managed to mostly avert my eyes from social media, generally. “Nothing to see here…” It’s difficult, over time, to continue to read filtered, reprocessed, repeated bullshit and slogans, often then repackaged as “new” editorials and memes, shared and re-shared repeatedly; repetition is learning. Eventually, that shit starts to stick in my consciousness. Fuck all that; I’m an original.

Carefully consider your opinion on some controversy (I’ll wait); how much of “your” opinion is truly the result of independent thought? How much research did you, yourself, actually do on that subject? Most people just repeat some stew of “comfortable thoughts” with which they agree, that they heard or read somewhere, or trust from their childhood education. It’s terrifying (to me) how little real thought people give what they say they believe. Our implicit understanding of the world is every bit as questionable as our explicit knowledge, and every bit as worthy of being directly questioned, with real rigor. Making an aggressive sincere attempt to “prove ourselves wrong” – based on the likely-to-be-true assumption that we are more than likely wrong about something – ensures that we understand what we say we believe. Most people don’t. Most people just fucking wander around insisting on shit they do not even understand. Such a thing can cause great damage in the world – and to real actual human beings. We can do better.

I challenge you, today, to overturn a sincerely held belief for which you have no legitimate, factual, evidence-based, support – in other words, an unsupported opinion. Pick one. Any. Just do it. Found one? Probably one you don’t care too much about, or which holds little controversy? (Minimum risk to your emotional comfort, I get it.) Okay, now go explore the “other side” of that controversy. There’s probably more than one other side, actually; false dichotomies shore up a lot of bullshit opinions. The goal here, as I see it, is to learn enough to hold a truly nuanced opinion that undermines our “us vs. them” thinking entirely, forcing us to see the world as a small dirty rock hurtling through space, one which we must share with others, because there is nowhere else (yet) to go.

This isn’t really an “easy” practice. I mean, just as an example, if you’re a male human being, you most likely still have an opinion on abortion (although why you would think your opinion should have any sway in the world of women, I do not know)… but do you actually hold a nuanced opinion that accounts for the real-life experience of actual women? Like… all of us? From everywhere? Do you have your own first-hand experience of having had to make the choice whether or not to bear a child or terminate a pregnancy? Quite probably not. Plenty to explore there, opinion-wise. (Are you mad, already? This is just an example… take a breath.)

If you feel emotions rising just listening to someone’s opinion, particularly when it does not agree with your own, there’s a very real chance you are not acting from a place of reason, at all, but instead reacting to shit you accepted as a given, and memorized, so long ago you know longer recall where those “opinions” came from – definitely question that sort of knee-jerk emotional reaction to the world. lol That’s not a reliable approach to understanding those around you, at all. Myself, I find that if my emotions attempt to lead the conversation, it’s a great time to shift gears and ask more questions; there is much I do not know.

I do know three things I can count on pretty solidly, though…

  1. Very few things in life break down into two neat categories; most things are not properly definable as dichotomies (without seriously lying to oneself).
  2. I can do better today than I did yesterday.
  3. I can begin again.

Ready?

Our choices can change the world. It’s time to do better. It’s time to begin again.

Just keep breathing. One breath. Then another. Another follows that one. “Easy”? It isn’t about that. It is merely a continuance, in the background of all the other things. 🙂

Yesterday was pleasant. The day before, similarly so. Between then, an event, an artistic gig, time among friends and strangers – all mixed up together as a single experience, seen through the lens of a camera. It was fun. The weekend, generally, was fun, pleasant, relaxed, and even productive.

There’s a metaphor here, somewhere…

Throughout all that, the awareness of missing my Traveling Partner lingered in the background, as if a single thread in the life’s fabric has been twisted or pulled a bit askew from the pattern. I’m even okay with that; the presence of his existence in my experience is certainly worth being aware of day-to-day, even when I don’t see him every one of those days.

Another work week begins. Like breathing. One after another. A series. Ongoing. I’m not bitching. I’m just saying, the weeks they come, the weeks they go. There is no particular effort required to ensure that time passes.

Yesterday, I didn’t write. I did not notice that, yesterday. I noticed today, but can’t go back to write “today”, yesterday, however arbitrary time itself may be. I don’t know how to do that. 🙂

None of this really “matters”, in the sense that it is what it is, and there is no need to change it. These are just words. Time. Timing. Days. Weekends. Events. Places. People. It’s Monday. There is a world of choices in front of me – the words are just convenient labels with which to communicate.

It’s time to begin again.

The past day was pretty spot on for great results. I’m sipping my coffee and giving some thought to the previous 24 hours. I’m very human, and this moment taken to look over how yesterday went, without harsh criticism or reflexive judgmental nonsense, is a practice I favor, although it is worth noting that it also requires me to practice mindful awareness, perspective, and non-attachment, with some skill. A bit of pre-coffee word-juggling to begin a Wednesday.

Here’s a squirrel.

Yesterday I managed to stay the course for practices, goals, intentions, planned workload, errands, housekeeping… and this morning I still find myself looking upon the previous day favorably, contentedly, and without any hint of stress surfacing over some thing or other than I did or did not do. Nice. Win and good. I probably get fewer “experience points” for such an easy day, but this morning I am feeling accomplished, secure, satisfied, and rested. It’s lovely.

…and also a chipmunk.

It’s also work.

It was a good day, and not without effort to make it so. I fought impulses to snack compulsively. I fought impulses to wander off from all manner of things that needed to be done. I fought the temptation to collapse into a chair at the end of the day and do nothing. I fought the inclination to just not follow through on a variety of things I had set my intentions upon, earlier in the day. It was an all day battle with my inner teenager. Yesterday, I won. Today? No idea. I guess I’ll know tomorrow. 😀 Tomorrow? Yeah… that’s a ways off, from this moment, and rather than borrow stress from a moment that doesn’t exist, I stay with this moment, here, feeling content, and wrapped in love.

It’s kind of a weird time in my life. I’ve had times when most of the stress and complications in my life came from my relationships, others when it sourced with work pretty reliably, sometimes it was all in my head, and still others when it was all those things, or some combination. This is a very different time; almost none of my stress comes from my personal or professional life, at all. My stress exists largely as response to events in the world, these days. There isn’t much I can do to act on events beyond my control, besides all of the things that anyone else can do: letters, phone calls, protests, charitable donations to worthy charities that spend their funds on their actual causes, speaking up frankly in groups, speaking truth to power, using my privilege as an umbrella to support those less privileged, and spending my own resources with great care, such that very little of my own money goes to endeavors, or people, which I object to. Oh, and one last one; definitely not doing, myself, any of the hateful things I see going on in the world. (Oh, hey… it kind of looks like there are a lot of things we can each be doing about “the world”… but… are you, though?) Doing those things matters – but it doesn’t ease the stress in any noteworthy way. That has to come from other practices entirely. My stress lives within me – it’s a reaction. What I do about that is entirely within my hands. 🙂

I sip my coffee wondering “what is enough?” and considering the chaos in the world, without allowing my outrage to boil over. I haven’t read the news this morning. It’s best to let that wait, I think, and give myself a chance to start this lovely morning without all that. I take time to appreciate feeling good, myself, right now, in this moment, right here. That has value – it helps build the emotional resilience that will keep me steady later. That has more value that I can possibly overstate… it’s worth practicing the practices that build resilience, trust me; sooner or later, we all have to begin again, somewhere. 🙂

…Now seems a good time.