I hurt this morning. I slept well, and with few interruptions. I guess I am “at an age” where I can commonly expect to wake in the night, sometimes more than once, just to pee. It’s not even annoying anymore, and I barely wake up. I know the layout here at home so well now that there is no need to turn on a light for something so routine, and I tumble back into bed still quite comfortable; the hot water here is hot straight away, so I am not awakened by cold water, or cold hands.

I started my coffee at about the same time as I started a “conversation” with my traveling partner, online. I enjoy those moments greatly, particularly when we are both in enough pain to wonder if it is worth it to pursue the plans we made earlier in the week. The connected dialogue feels intimate and real, and often satisfies most needs to feel visible, to be heard, to feel the power and strength of the connection we share… the missing pieces (touch, scent, hugs, kisses, sex) aren’t ‘everything’ – although I am admittedly quite late in life arriving at that conclusion, and definitely miss those things when we are apart.

I’m in enough pain with my arthritis this morning that yoga is the first thing on my mind – but not yet actually ‘do-able’. I am so stiff that gentle changes in posture, for now, are enough to hurt – and ease the stiffness somewhat – and it will be possibly an hour or more before doing yoga is a thing. So, I enjoy my morning coffee and a few minutes of conversation with my dear love, and start the day quite gently.

I stepped into my living room this morning and felt something new… as if I were really welcoming myself home for the very first time. I spent quite a bit of the afternoon yesterday tackling small tasks leftover from moving: sorting papers that had been stuffed into small drawers, tidying cables and cords, taking the wall-mount hardware off the back of the t.v. and reattaching the stand, placing the t.v. in its new location, rearranging some objects and making choices about precisely which paintings will hang precisely where on the long west wall now that I could see it with the t.v. in its place. I didn’t think much about the outcome when I had finished, aside from feeling content and satisfied. This morning I wasn’t thinking about those changes, or the living room, at all – and when I stepped out of the hallway (no kidding, the builder managed to wedge a hallway into this tiny apartment) into the living room, I paused, startled – it felt like a homecoming after a long time away, a combination of welcoming relief, and delight.

Enough.

This morning I am delightfully aware of some things I really love about my home, and my life. I take time to appreciate them.

• Cool morning air currents chilling my bare toes as I sit, sipping my coffee, watching the morning sky lighten through the partially open vertical blinds on the open patio door.
• The sparkle of sequins on the floor cushion by the window, where I often sit and meditate gazing out across the lawn, watching the birds, squirrels, and cats go about their own lives.
• The plentiful hot water; I am ever-grateful for indoor plumbing, and the convenience of hot running water in good supply. The water pressure, and the ready hot water here at Number 27 are especially nice.
• A big bathtub. The bath here is not ‘over-sized’ in any notable way – but it is of an era when ‘efficiency’ sized tubs for apartments weren’t a thing, and ‘water-saving’ tubs were not common. It is spacious, and deep enough to soak. It is enameled cast iron, too, instead of fiberglass, and retains warmth. After more than two years enduring a plastic ‘water-saving’ tub barely big enough for a child, and unreliable hot water, this tub seems lavish and I do love the hot water. 🙂
• The aesthetic – this place looks like a place I would live; it is decorated with books (everywhere), art (mine, mostly), and comfort in mind. It is an easy place to relax, to find stillness, to enjoy solitude – or to hang out with friends (although for now, seating is limited). It is a drama-free zone.
• I love that my breakables are on display, and have no concern that they may be damaged or mishandled; having them on display means I not only see them, and enjoy them aesthetically – they are near at hand for use! Hand made swizzle sticks, rare porcelain demi-tasse cups, lovely lampwork paperweights, antique sherbet dishes, and first edition books – out, and on display because this is my life, my home – and this is my way.
• Every detail here is managed to provide as much comfort and ease in my own experience as I can make possible.
• The counters are orderly and uncluttered. It’s a small kitchen, and space is in high demand – in spite of the luxury it represents, I choose to put things away in a fashion that leaves the counters mostly quite bare unless in use. The only appliances that remain out all the time are for making coffee: the burr grinder, the goose-neck kettle, the air-tight containers holding the coffee beans, and the filters. I love the smooth expanse of clean counters.

These are things that appeal to me. This is my own life. I don’t imagine for a moment that these things are necessary for your comfort; you are having your own experience. There are other ways. Other lives. Other choices. I’ve spent a lifetime compromising my aesthetic, and my comfort, for other people – often simply to pacify them, or make something more convenient in their experience – and done so at the expense of far more than my ‘convenience’ in some cases. I’ve managed to over-compromise to the point of doing myself real damage in some relationships, unwilling to say ‘um…go fuck your convenience, because this is actually something I need to heal, and to thrive.’ I didn’t have the words – and in some relationships, wouldn’t have been heard anyway. Some people only ever hear their own voice.

I think I am sharing this, today, not because you need the details of what pleases me, but to give perspective on what details may really matter – and how small those can be for any one of us. You too. It’s no trivial thing for me to have my breakables on display – it’s actually a very big deal, although in the simplest of sentences it seems a fairly small thing; it’s heart breaking for me when they are all boxed up and put away ‘for safe keeping’. Same with having my art hanging – in a building in which I reside, seeing bare walls causes me real emotional pain, and leaves me feeling frankly disrespected, devalued – and unloved. Having to double-down on that insult by seeing common ‘production decor’ hanging in my environment day to day instead of original art of some kind, by any actual artist, is… offensive. You are a different person, but certainly there are ‘small things’ in your own experience that don’t feel so small to you. Those matter. It’s okay that they matter. Taking care of you may mean giving those details more attention, and greater prominence, for no other reason than that they matter to you.

It’s taken awhile getting here…but, yeah, I matter enough to matter to me. Finally. It’s a nice feeling to wake up to, even when I hurt. No one knows me like I do – and no one can take care of me as well as I can, or show me greater consideration… but there are verbs involved, and intent, and will.  For far too long I allowed my ‘won’t’ to take the lead in my life.

I hurt today, rather a lot. It’s okay though; I’m at home. I have what I need, here, to take the very best care of me. Today, this is enough. 🙂