Archives for posts with tag: it’s getting better all the time

Waiting for the Dawn

January 21, 2014 //
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I am almost eager for dawn to come, for the clock to tick around to that particular moment when I head out the door for work. It is a rare feeling for me. I enjoy it, and I don’t question or doubt it. It is simply a feeling, and a pleasant one.

My fears that I would again find myself utterly unable to manage balance and fulfillment in the 4.5 hours left to me outside the workday Monday through Friday (once sleep and hygiene are accounted for) have proved to be unfounded – at least so far. Yes, time is precious and limited during the week, but somehow the weekend was vast and satisfying, and I met needs I’ve had for sometime and had struggled to fulfill, even between jobs. Time is non-negotiable and does not take any shit off of me, for sure. I am learning to enjoy moments, without clocks, and time seems to slow down for me when I do.

This weekend was made up of relaxed mornings meditating, doing yoga, writing, and reading. Time to study, and time to dream, even time to do seemed plentiful this weekend. I feel rested, and because I didn’t feel run down and emotionally drained at the end of the week, just tired, I didn’t have to work so hard to recharge. A solidly good weekend makes an exceptional jumping off point for another week of work.

I wonder if my new understanding that I am not obligated to do any particular job, or for any particular employer, also contributes to the lack of that other feeling I have for so long associated with employment… obligation pushed to the point of feeling trapped and resentful. It’s very nice not feeling that. Feeling trapped into employment resulted in work feeling more like indentured servitude as I scrambled to cover bills, struggled to get to ahead, and found myself making choices to go without some small thing or another, and having to prioritize the needs of an employer over the needs of my own heart and soul. Too ‘lefty’ and ‘soft’ for you? That’s okay with me – you go ahead and choose differently for yourself. 😉  I find myself content and comfortable with putting myself at the top of my To Do list.

No pictures today. The commute certainly offers up occasional photo-worthy moments, and I carry my camera with me nearly everywhere…the last few days I haven’t used it much. I’m still getting the timing on my commute down, still feeling a tad self-conscious about missing a connection. I get two shorter walks, a ride on the light rail, and a ride on the not-so-light rail, amounting to a commute of about an hour – not much longer than the previous commute, but considerably more dependent on good timing for success. Soon though…I’ve been playing with settings and lighting and taking time to get more skilled with my little camera.

Life feels pretty good. I smiled as I headed into town for my appointment with my therapist yesterday with a smile on my face. Somehow, I still ended up in tears in his office. How the fuck are there still so many tears to cry?! It’s strange crying in front of him – he doesn’t make the same faces other men do, who have seen me in tears. Why is that, I suddenly wonder? And why has it not occurred to me to wonder before? He and I simply continue to talk, my face leaking mostly goes unnoticed. I wouldn’t mind figuring that out with other men in my life, too. The tears are largely pretty inconsequential, putting an important emotional conversation on hold over them is a big distraction. lol

So, here we all are… a few words, an imminent dawn, a Tuesday morning. The new routine slowly develops around new choices, ongoing needs, hopes, dreams, projects… I’m working on a manuscript, it’s enough to say that, I think. No plot spoilers from me. lol. Then there’s clay, and there are images, and there is paint, pen & ink, life and love, a few chores to do between the fun bits… It may be some weeks before I iron out the details and find myself easily writing every day, again, at least here. I’m writing a lot, reading more than I have in years (turns out that a Kindle is a great choice of gift for me). Life has flow and balance and joy… and coffee. 🙂

Today…I am, and for the moment it is enough.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Now

June 11, 2013 //
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The time is...now.

The time is…now.

I figured I’d share this bit with you. This particular moment feels wrapped in quiet. The house is dim. Only the light overhead remains, dimmed low for a notion of ambience at some other point in time. It is the last hour completing 50 years of life. I don’t have any particular reason to give for why this particular birthday feels so significant to me. Is it ‘where I am’ in my life? Is it the progress I am making…in life, in love, in work, in…damn, is there any facet of me that I’m not taking a hard look at these days? My experience is that I’m enjoying ‘my experience’ more, generally, and sleeping a lot better  – I feel pretty balanced most of the time, and even the hormonal ups and downs are no longer calling the shots.  It all seems so mundane in text.

How is it that it feels so significant to face this moment, this place, this…now? 50…in minutes. Oh, I know, I know – just as with ‘end time’ prophesies, or the Y2K scare, tomorrow will be tomorrow. A day. Each moment a new now. I will be who I am. My lovers will be who they are. Love and life will continue in whatever way they will, based on circumstances and choices.  I will be 50. So will a lot of other people. Hell, Johnny Depp is 50, or so I read a day or two ago. He seems timeless to me, but I guess someone, somewhere, is probably keeping track of that detail. lol. 50, though, how important is it really? It isn’t. Time is pretty arbitrary, I think. Doesn’t it matter more what we do with it, than that it is?

I had considered something long, and detailed, and nostalgic for this post. Today has been my last day before I am 50. I’ve had a certain sense that I am ‘closing out the first half’…but it’s entirely internal.  Based on events and conversations, it’s clear that this is not an experience everyone shares…or perhaps it is difficult to identify with [or care about! lol] from some other vantage point in time? I don’t think I’d have been able to connect with such a thing at 21. Maybe not even at 30. Will I care about 50 when I am 70? It seems unlikely. So…I took some time to be alone with this last hour…just me and…me. Well, and you. Thanks for sharing the moment with me. 🙂

‘Now’ has gotten to be a pretty big deal for me, lately. I’ve learned some things about my values, too, and who I am…and who I am becoming. 50 years is a lot of ‘past’. Some of it will likely live on, isolated within my memory, for as long as the wreckage in my head and in my heart lasts, but what then? Is success forgetting? Is healing really something within reach for me? Who am I when I am whole? What does the world look like through those glasses? Do nightmares really go away? Then what?

This is getting long, and without any particular point. I’ll be 50 tomorrow. That’s when the second half starts, and instead of spending a long while writing, perhaps weeping, and wading through a lifetime of emotions I have already felt, about events I have already experienced, I want to come back to now. This right here. Not quite 50, almost done with 49…timeless in a dark room, the quiet tap of my fingers on the keyboard, the hush of the air purifier, and the house sounds creating this quiet made of sounds that seems more dense and solitary than quiet is intended to be. Now. I will set this aside, finished (do we need more words between us now, in this stillness together?) and end the first half in thought, cradled in a very nice ‘now’ indeed, and eager to wake and celebrate how far I’ve come, and how worth it the journey is proving to be.

Tomorrow…well, it’ll be ‘now’, then, won’t it? lol

Blackberries - summer comes.

Blackberries – summer comes.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Turning 50, women, Words

Now is the Time

June 2, 2013 //
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I have a strange relationship with Time. It begins in the morning of every new day, when I wake before my alarm goes off. I set it for 5am, but it rarely has a chance to go off, I usually wake minutes or seconds in advance, and shut it off. 4:58 am, 4:52 am, 4:46 am; never even a moment after 5am, even when my alarm is turned off for the weekend. Strangely, I don’t rely on that, and failing to be certain my alarm is set and turned on generally results in a night of restless sleep, waking again and again to check the time. I don’t set my alarm for an increment of time that isn’t on the hour, the half hour, or more rarely the quarter-hour. It seems pretty arbitrary and more a matter of habit or tradition than any rational choice about an ideal moment to wake.

Isn’t Time rather arbitrary, anyway? I mean, the math bits and science bits are certain to be important to someone, somewhere…but, my subjective experience with Time often finds me winding my way back to ‘why do I put myself through this when it seems so…imaginary?’ I don’t have a comfortable experience with Time. I rush myself, too often. I pile expectations of punctuality on my demands of myself that result in bitter emotional battles with myself, or others, over some occasion of minor lateness – in the face of a lifetime of time-based brutality directed at myself. I’m rarely late by my own actions; it freaks me out. When circumstances or people ‘make me late’ I’ve been known to unleash an amount of emotion and temper that is most easily described as ‘desperate and enraged’ – an unpleasant combination. I’m sure the origins of my troubled relationship with Time is lost in the darkness of ancient pain, and a lovely Sunday doesn’t yield to further exploration. Not right now, when I’m having such a good time. 🙂

This morning I was thinking about alarm clocks, agendas, and time and those thoughts resurfaced later while I was meditating. I suddenly felt so aware of something I’ve fought for so long… the only time I really benefit from concerning myself with is…now.  Well, hell… I have time for that. 😉

...some metaphor about time...

…some metaphor about time…

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Spring, Turning 50

The ‘Big 5’ for the Win!

April 4, 2013 //
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I mentioned recently that I am focusing on 5 basics (The Big 5) for building healthier relationships.  I’m not sure quite what else to say… ‘Eureka!’ seems closest, but a bit grand.  I’m just having an amazing morning of love and connection and the delights of family and friends, and it has a lot to do with being mindfully involved with those Big 5: Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness.  No fooling…I’m not bragging, for clarification, or trying to sell something (not even an idea), I’m just quite taken by surprise.  I’ve taken only the first steps on the path of learning to treat myself and others well, and I’m so new at keeping a meditation practice that really benefits me, and even simple ‘mindfulness’ is wrapped in reminders and constant practicing…I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with the concept of something so new, at which I am admittedly so unskilled, being so incredibly… helpful? Effective? Valuable? I get so excited about feeling this balanced and calm… more than once I have found myself losing that sense of balance solely because I’ve gotten so excited about it. lol.

There have been some ups and downs the last few days; love requires maintenance, effort, and commitment.  I have done my very best to stay focused on treating myself well… and my Big 5.  I practiced respecting my own values, and  needs – and found that it was much easier to respect my lovers, too.  I gave some thought and attention to what I could be doing to improve the reciprocity in my relationships, and found that even where things were not at a 1:1 level of reciprocity, that life feels more balanced over all, and the sense of ‘sharing the load’ is more definite.  I gently reminded myself of what I enjoy that feels considerate, and practiced those things with others, as well as really listening to what my friends and lovers say that communicates what feels considerate to them, and practiced those things, too.  When moments were challenging or stressful, I practiced treating myself well; understanding that other people’s stress affects my PTSD and causes me anxiety – and accepting myself, and my experience, and giving it room to be what it is, without making it worse by freaking out about whether it is ok to have the feelings I have.  I practiced staying focused on the things I enjoy doing in the moment, and really ‘being present’ while doing them, without indulging in non verbal demonstrations of stress or anger.  I found that treating myself with compassion resulted in a profoundly improved ability to feel compassion towards others, and an improved willingness to express that.  I struggled some with being open, finding it requires a level of vulnerability that is a little scary sometimes, especially under stress, but I kept practicing, kept focused on my own desire to be stronger and more skilled in this area, and the results were telling.  I felt balanced and calm, in the face of occasional stress. I got enough restful sleep. I made good decisions and choices that enhanced my experience without hurting others.

Today, I enjoyed the morning with my partners; good meaningful conversation, love, connection, and really being there with each other.  The walk to work was gentle, mindful, and enjoyable…and I am finding that occasional real life hurdles, stressors, and weirdness, don’t have to ruin my experience, wound me, or be tragic.  It’s quite lovely to feel…calm; to be in love on a gray Thursday, to feel loved and eager to return home, to feel tempted to daydream about all the pleasures life and love offer, instead of compelled to brood on pain and suffering.  😀

There is no report card, trophy, or award.  I’m not crossing any finish lines, or completing any coursework.  I’m still a student of life and love.  I’m still learning, still practicing.   Today, that all feels very good, and very satisfying.  It’s a good Thursday.  😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words