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Restless Nights, Contented Days

October 8, 2013 //
5

Another strangely restless night, although I woke feeling refreshed and calm when it was done. Three days of disturbed sleep, now – or is it four? Why am I counting? Had I slept deeply and well for so long that this really seems… unusual? Wow. That’s an interesting way to reflect on real progress, growth, and change. lol.

This morning I don’t have much to say. I’ve a nice cup of coffee, not the best beans – so not the best brew. I’m satisfied with it, nonetheless. It doesn’t take that much this morning; I am content.

Rather than type a thousand words, I’ll share some pictures this morning and hope they carry something of value into your day. 😀

The last of the autumn roses, at dawn.

The last of the autumn roses, at dawn.

Down the road, across the field, along the way; here, too, autumn.

Down the road, across the field, along the way; here, too, autumn.

Autumn in suburban treetops.

Autumn in suburban treetops.

Autumn is my favorite season. It isn’t just the colors as the leaves change, it is something about the quality of light, the scents in the air, the feel of morning fog, and afternoon sunshine, a difference in the way the rain falls – or is it something else? I only know it is my favorite, and here I am with another autumn day ahead of me, filled with potential.

Today I will enjoy the joy I feel without reservations or fear that someone will come along and ‘take it all away’.

 

 

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

Battling the Ancient Enemy

October 7, 2013 //
0

Yesterday was lovely. The work day went smoothly, in that how-could-this-be-better sort of smoothness work days sometimes have. The walk home became a ride home when my partner reached out with the offer of a ride, just as I was realizing my notion to walk the 5k route again wasn’t planned with my fatigue and general physical condition of the day in mind.  The evening continued in the same pleasant way, and I actually did get to bed earlier, on-time-ish enough not to mess with my routine was my hope.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

My night didn’t go so smoothly. I woke abruptly at 2:30 am, gripped by anxiety and dread, barely able to take a breath. My chest felt tight, and as I sit here considering it, I face an internal deluge of words to describe fear and anxiety, and little else; content capable of taking me over and leading me away from contentment. I got up, put on dim lights, and began going through the motions of regaining calm: breathing, yoga, meditation, a shower, more breathing, more yoga, a few mindful moments settling into the ‘now’… just after 3:00 am was when I took my first fully deep and actually satisfying breath. I remember it because at the time I thought “Huh, I wasn’t actually breathing deeply at all, this whole time!” Then, I took 4 or 5 really good deep calming breaths and felt my consciousness shift from real fear and panic, to the residual low-level anxiety that sometimes lingers once I’ve gotten past the bad bit.  I was able to return to sleep.  For the second day in row, I woke to my alarm clock, feeling groggy.

It’s a peaceful solitary morning, in spite of the difficulties of the night.  The fear I woke with has faded into words about the experience, which are much less scary than the feelings themselves. I may never know what the anxiety in the night was actually ‘about’… but, with a brain injury, PTSD, a lifelong history of sleep disturbances (seriously, since I was a toddler) adding to the natural emotional ups and downs of going through menopause – do I actually need root-cause analysis? Isn’t life enough? lol

Day two of seriously poor quality sleep starting my day. I do feel it.  Taking care of me, and meeting my own needs where I can, includes getting adequate rest – this isn’t it.  Maybe tonight will be better.  I find myself silently reviewing ‘the sleep list’ of things I can do to improve my sleep…  it is, however, morning. Time to face the day.

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Menopause, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Words

Twilight Observations

October 1, 2013 //
2

This morning started well, although I’m having serious challenges with my arthritis this fall.  The work day was productive, harmonious, and we ‘performed well to goal’, which probably matters to someone. I enjoyed the work, and that matters to me.  There were emotional challenges on the periphery that threatened to blow my smooth day, and somehow new tools were at the ready, and it was rather like reaching for a hammer to hang a  painting, and finding it precisely where I expect it to be, and in good working order. The right tools for the job proved to be effective, and today taking a few minutes for me, a couple deep breaths, a moment or two mindfully in the courtyard, actually felt quite natural.  For me, a good day.

Random photo from the WW WP 5k; mushrooms.

When conditions are right – growth.

It would be lovely, wouldn’t it, if every human being would pause, and just enjoy their ‘right now’ experience?  Seriously pause for serenity, for wholeness, for harmony – for what matters; to allow calm and wise to take the lead over righteous fervor and entitlement.  I’m actually not trying to be fanciful – I felt almost able to envision that state of things, in a moment of real chill, and it actually startled me out of meditation because for an instant it was a very visceral thing.  I make no effort to interpret the experience, justify it, or explain.  It was a lovely, if startling, moment.

Raindrops - sometimes beauty is a matter of taking a look from another perspective.

Raindrops – sometimes beauty is a matter of taking a look from another perspective.

Today I undertook a handful of tasks that needed to be done. Simple enough. That is the thing though – it was enough to do them, to appreciate the need, to experience and value the effort, and the skill, and the result.  No scorecard, no validation – this is new for me. I like recognition. I like hearing that I did something well.  Today, it just wasn’t about that, and I had no need for any further satisfaction than in completing my task well.

I’m tired now. It is evening. I’d like to say something profound, but many of life’s details at the moment are uncertainties and sorrows.  Funny… I realize, as I write those words, I am aware that some of the challenges I’ll be facing in the near future hold the potential for a lot of heart ache, and I’m not freaking out, I’m not tragically blue, I’m not devastated… This is my life. There have been, and there are going to be, some rough moments.  Resenting life, taking struggle personally, or lashing out at existence don’t enhance the experience or improve it. (Holy crap – am I ‘growing up’? lol. )

I’m okay. I’m tired. I hurt… it’s the end of one day. Tomorrow is another and with the sunrise I begin a whole new experience. So do you. I hope our tomorrow, and every tomorrow that follows, is a worthy experience. I hope each of our sorrows is followed by joy, tenfold.  I hope we choose our actions wisely, and treat each other well, and with kindness and compassion.  I hope our dreams are fanciful, and that we don’t lose our sense of humor in the struggle to find balance.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

Tension Tamer

September 26, 2013 //
2

I’m sitting here with a nasty headache (not unusual) and a feeling of anxiety that just isn’t entirely going away, but also isn’t attached to anything specific in my right-now experience.  I pause now and again, practice mindfulness, meditate for a few minutes, do some yoga. I ‘feel okay’ in the sense that life isn’t bad, even my mood is mostly quite nice, but I have a clear sense that there is commitment to practice and effort involved.  I’m not troubled by that, today, it seems rather obvious that a desired change would take actual effort; a verb.

Here are two photos taken within a few seconds of each other. Take a moment to consider this:

What we see often depends a great deal on...

What we see often depends a great deal on…

...what we are looking at and what we want to see.

…what we are looking at (and what we want to see).

So, there’s that.  So much is really a matter of (wait for it…) perspective. (Why does that delight me so? Why does it seem to offer so much hope?)  Yeah, I’m still meditating on perspective. It remains a worthy concept for contemplation, always fresh, always adding some twist on something, and not once have I had an experience where having more perspective was a disadvantage. Not even once.

Somehow, my musings on perspective brought me around to considering that archetypal question of childhood – “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  (How many times is any one of us asked that question? Who ever has an answer at that age? Hell, I’m still fucking working on that one!)  I found myself imagining that I had taken on first one career/calling, then another… and when I got to ‘lion tamer’ my creative thinking brain threw ‘tension tamer’ into the conversation! Suddenly, I was imagining making taming my stress some kind of vocation, a calling, a role – dressed for the circus big top, with a whip or a riding crop, making my anxiety do my bidding.  LOL! I delight myself with the image and imagine further a whole circus or carnival cast – with my anxiety somehow ‘The Main Attraction”.  Metaphors dancing with allegories in my busy imagination playground.  My in-the-moment stress and anxiety faded away, for the moment.  (Nice one, Brain, that was fun.) 😀

(I wonder if I can call upon my Tension Tamer any time I want to? Is this a new tool, or was it an experience?)

Mindfulness is making so much difference for me. Being a student of life and love is providing me with an education of such immense value that it could never be measured in grades, or student loan debt.  More questions than answers seems to be a way of approaching my experience that pays off in a lot more good days than bad, fewer sleepless nights, and less bitter rumination and emotional pain.  Finding security and contentment in ambiguity and uncertainty is an unexpected outcome, but here I am. More content. Healing. Finding more peace in my heart and more comfort with my experience. This is a good place to be, and in spite of the headache, and the arthritis pain, this is a good day [for me].

There’s this one thing that bums me out though… I can only share words about this experience.  I don’t know how to convey how utterly necessary it seems now, how helpful, how lovely.  Well, at least I do have words, and I can share those.  (I’ll count on you to read them, and take from them what is meaningful for you.)   🙂

Mindfulness sees the unexpected heron in a field along a busy road.

Mindfulness sees the unexpected heron in a field along a busy road.

There is still so much to learn.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

In Other Words…

June 19, 2013 //
1

Yesterday I read an article that really resonated with me in a way that was about discovery, rather than conclusions. It is also about Feminism.  It is complete, and needs nothing more from me. Then today I read an article about someone else’s journey, and although it is like so many tales of individual progress, and the power of mindfulness, it resonated with me. Somehow, this morning I find myself struck by how completely these two articles ‘say everything’ I could have wanted to say about…anything. Now…having said it, through the words of others, I’m off to enjoy a lovely Wednesday and change the world! (Well…some small piece of it, perhaps.)

This is a day worth enjoying... aren't they all?

This is a day worth enjoying… aren’t they all?

😀

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Words
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