Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness
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Just This Moment

November 7, 2013 //
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There’s only this moment, and I am quiet, still, and content. I’m listening to my heart resonate with someone else’s words this morning, words about love. ‘About’? Words that try to capture the nature and experience, the feel of love – are those ‘about’ love? What is love? There are hundreds, thousands, millions maybe, of love songs – do they describe love, document it, preserve it for others? It’s like sharing ‘spiritual growth’, or ‘happiness’, isn’t it? Always an attempt, rarely successful – or so it seems to me.

Since I was a ‘tween, I’ve longed to ‘be the woman men write love songs about’. Odd sort of thing to want, I guess. Wanting is part of my human experience, I suppose it as a obvious a thing to desire as any other. I didn’t know what I meant, until I realized that I have it. I realized it… yesterday? This morning? Sometime last week? It hasn’t been very long.  There was just this very still moment, connecting with a lover’s experience of me, when it hit me – I am loved. I am loved in that extraordinary and passionate way. Loved by poets, loved by artists, loved by craftspeople, artisans, engineers, soldiers, musicians, writers, philosophers… across the years I have been loved – and turned love away unrecognized because I did not love.

In this place in my life I know love. I love. I am loved in return. I am even in the embrace of one of those soul-shaking loves that leaves an impression, a glow, a look that lingers and that is visible to the world… which is a little odd and naked feeling sometimes. I’m not sure how I  missed it, and I smile for a moment thinking of other loves, other stories of romance, and the smile becomes a broad contented grin – all delight and no reservations.  Love is amazing stuff – and that this love does not write songs about it is no remark on the intensity of it.  It’s a good day to awaken to that awareness and hold love dear, in all its power.

Hormone Hell can be a dark corridor with a new nightmare or irritation behind every door, but it can also be a window into places in my heart that are usually far from view. This morning I know love. I am love.  How’s that for being ’emotional’? 😉

Thank you, Love. Thank you for walking with me, thank you for helping me change the world. 😀

Sometimes words aren't enough.

Sometimes words aren’t enough.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

Novelty and Growth

November 5, 2013 //
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This one is fairly practical. Each day I begin with meditation goes a little better than one I begin any other way, a simple enough observation about my experience.  Another simple observation, my arthritis sometimes finds me almost too stiff to move first thing, and between the stiffness and the pain, comfortably meditating can be challenging.

This morning I happened to read an article that referenced Makka Ho stretches, which I’d never been exposed to before, and following the link to the video I tried a new [yoga] sequence this morning that really felt good, and simple enough to comfortably work into my routine before meditation.  Then my curiosity had me looking further, following links, reading more – you know how that goes, right?  I followed up on the reference to Wu Tao dance, and found this video.  I find myself feeling willing to dance again. That alone is worth so much.  I loved to dance before I busted up my back, before the arthritis set in, before I got so fat I could barely move… and although the excess weight is mostly gone, and the yoga results in a far more flexible me, the strange self-conscious reluctance to move freely has remained. How sad! I love to move!

I’m not ‘a dancer’ in the way a professional dancer is, not even close, not even a little bit. I am human, though, and the sensuous feel of rhythmic movement is wonderful for me. I love that experience. It’s been so long… Wu Tao looks very gentle, and not at all like the sort of dancing that comes most naturally to me.  This could be a valuable adventure in growth, and a good experience.  🙂  Novelty. Growth. Experience. (Let’s not bullshit around about it, though, I want to dance because dancing feels good and I miss it. 😀 )

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

I would share a picture of me, dancing, it would be apropos…but there are none. Not any. Not even one. I haven’t danced, really danced, freely danced without inhibition and anxiety, since before digital cameras. How fucking sad is that? lol.

Time to head into the world. Another day to be mindful, to bring the Big 5*, to smile – another day to dance.  Today I will change the world.

*My Big 5 are Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness. I practice applying them in every interaction, every relationship, every day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Turning 50

It’s Only Sleep

November 3, 2013 //
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It’s been awhile since I had a night like last night. I didn’t sleep much. I wasn’t anxious, and there were no nightmares, I just didn’t really sleep deeply, for very long, or very restfully. I went to bed later than I prefer to, because although I’d started to feel sleepy, it just wasn’t moving me to choose sleep, and there were still a couple of things I wanted to get done before the work week began.

Everything seemed on track for a good night’s sleep. I just didn’t happen to have one. lol. Last night was the change to ‘daylight savings time’, too. I was already going to lose an hour of precious sleep, I knew.  Feeling a bit like a leftover Halloween zombie this morning, I’d have been delighted to wake just one hour short on sleep this morning! I did drift off a couple of times, long enough to be surprised when a partner, out for the evening, returned home – and again sometime later when he kissed me hello-goodnight in the darkness.

It is a change that even feeling so groggy and tired this morning there is no anxiety about my lack of sleep – and there wasn’t any during the night, either. I was merely awake, instead of sleeping. Any experience that changes from being an anxiety-based experience to being a calm chill contented experience is progress – so I’m not bitching. I’m just tired. lol.  Tired – but still eager to see the dawn.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

The sky is just barely shifting from black to deep dark blue-gray, just now.  I really don’t understand daylight savings time – who does it really serve? Foolishness to fight the changing light of the seasons.  Strangely apropos this week, though, with so many other elements of my every day routine also on the precipice of change. The winter holiday season begins soon. One of my partners starts a new job tomorrow – one that results in a substantial shift in routine, perhaps even lifestyle at some point, certainly we’ll all be making adjustments here and there, at least.

I’m tired this morning, making this a wonderful morning to commit to giving people my whole attention when they interact with me – listening with my attention on them as people, hearing their words, using mindfulness practices to stay in-the-moment and resisting the ease of being ‘on autopilot’. Today, I will listen attentively. I will speak with compassion. I will choose kindness, and provide gentle service to family and love. I will do my best.

Today I will change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

What It Is

October 30, 2013 //
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Or, for that matter, what it isn’t.  These are subjects for another day – soon.

Today I am focusing on openness and intimacy, fearlessly approaching and being approachable. Eye contact. Observation. Being in the moment, because the moment is what I have. Making room to feel, to be involved in my own experience. Breathing, and finding that still calm place.  Taking practices of mindful self-acceptance, compassion, and gratitude, and applying them to my relationships with others.

Today I find balance, because I choose balance, and compassion because I choose compassion. Today I will change the world.

Every moment holds all the potential that exists to choose well.

Every moment holds all the potential that exists to choose well.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Finding Stillness Within

October 25, 2013 //
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I start the day with a quiet morning. It’s lovely.

Yesterday turned out well.  Aside from some pretty understandable challenges with the morning, subjective, limited, and largely pretty inconsequential in the grander scheme of things, the day was a good one. I found myself more easily able to reach for the appropriate tools in the moment, able to make use of them in a pretty natural way, and more and more I find myself relying on the simplest basics of mindfulness to ease me through momentary stress. It’s so far beyond being a goodness that I don’t really have words to express the sense of relief I feel when I find myself looking back on a challenge from the perspective of having handled it well, and already putting it behind me ‘so easily’.

Therapy is… ‘blessed torment’. I’m not a practitioner of a major religion, so it feels odd to reach for those words to describe my weekly visit with my care provider, but… yeah.  It’s not the gentlest hour of my week, and the ripples through my Thursday, my weekend, and the days following are more than opportunities to reflect, to heal, to practice new skills.  It is a time to tear down what doesn’t ‘work’, isn’t functional, hasn’t served me well.  It is a time to challenge assumptions, ask powerful questions, to share painful ‘truths’ to be examined critically in a very bright light. It is a time to fight seemingly invincible demons, with an unstoppable army of… two.  It is a time to rebuild with a plan, and will, and intent, and compassion, and a time to reinforce the best of what I have, who I am, and the values I choose to honor.  I’m very fortunate to have met this particular being on my journey; for the first time, therapy is making a real difference, long-term, not just acting as crisis intervention.  Not one dime I’ve ever spent on myself has been more worthwhile.

Autumn is really getting into things now; fall foliage in radiant colors, chilly mornings, sunny afternoons, the smells of fall cooking on the air, the last barbecues of the year, the first fires in the hearth, and different flowers show their colors along the sidewalks and roadsides. I have no idea why fall is my favorite season.  I think of long walks around the lake near Ft Devens, Massachusetts, and beautiful cities showing fall colors: Augsburg, Annapolis, Portland. I love walking outside in the autumn, bundled in a warm sweater, cheeks rosy and a big smile.

Autumn days, autumn skies.

Autumn days, autumn skies.

I love the walks, the sights, the calm enthusiasm for life that I feel in the autumn.

Some of the most dramatic flowers show off in the autumn.

Some of the most dramatic flowers show off in the autumn.

I find myself feeling more focused and purposeful, without feeling driven or obligated.

I find myself enjoying this up close and with intent.

I find myself enjoying each moment up close and with intent.

Simple pleasures seem more than enough in the autumn.

I am content to look at beauty from more than one perspective, to linger, to savor it.

I am content to look at beauty from more than one perspective, to linger, to savor it.

Autumn feels more leisurely than spring, less urgent than winter, less defiant than summer. Autumn is also a time of year to openly and wantonly plan and daydream of coming Yule festivities. The winter holiday season, for me, begins with Thanksgiving, and lingers until New Year’s Day.  I love the winter holidays in all their lavish glory and festive excess.

The most awesome holiday wreath ever?! I think maybe...

The most awesome holiday wreath ever?! I think maybe…

So, here it is, autumn, a quiet morning of study, meditation, and yoga – and an excellent latte.  Later I will garden. It is time to prune the roses for winter, tidy the greenhouse for autumn crops, and cut back summer stalks that now obstruct rather than adorn.  Today, mine is a very pleasant experience.

 

 

 

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Turning 50
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