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Right Now

October 9, 2013 //
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Right now, I hurt.  My head aches. My arthritic spine is screaming to be torn free of it’s moorings and replaced with something Teflon-coated. Did I mention my headache?  I’d like to be as vibrant and poised and positive at 5:30 pm as I am at dawn. Today, I am not. Not even close. Not even a little bit.  I am, however, doing my best with what I’ve got, and still feeling generally pleasant as a human being, and capable of ‘getting the job done’, more or less – whatever that may turn out to be.

My head aches, though.  I might have had more to say. I have things on my mind. I had a wonderful moment of … something profound… night before last, with one of my partners.  A seriously healing moment that was significant. A ‘very big deal‘ sort of moment, actually. I want so much to share it explicitly, graphically, analytically – in detail, with TMI, technicolor, an a triumphant shout to the heavens… but I am tired right now. Right now my needs, and the needs of my loved ones, are different.  I feel disappointed that I don’t have ‘more to offer’ – to myself, or the world.

My head aches.

It didn’t ache this morning, when I enjoyed a coffee and some conversation with one partner, who was up unexpectedly early… but I also wasn’t sure how, or whether, to share my experience of two nights ago.  I may have missed my moment.  It was profound – for me.  Now I am tired, and uncertain of what to share with ‘the world’ and what to withhold for myself… and I feel muddled and confused.  This is the part of most days when I am able to observe the most obvious effects of my TBI in action; when I’m tired, when my head aches, at the end of a day.  Just the fatigue alone is enough to have me sitting on the edge of tears – and not for any reason.  I am simply tired beyond emotional regulation.  It sucks.  “Loss of executive function” doesn’t even begin to describe the experience.

I took a picture on the way to work this morning; it makes the morning seem somehow so very far away from now.

The day from another perspective.

The day from another perspective.

My head aches. The day is nearly over. Tomorrow is something entirely new.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

One Foggy Morning

October 6, 2013 //
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I woke this morning after a night short on hours, long on dreams, and restless, very restless.  I woke a number of times during the night, returning to sleep with little effort.  My dreamscape was lively, surreal, and oddly persuasive on a number of random details that now seem to rate further thought by daylight.  I woke very groggy, to the strident beeping of my infernal alarm clock – it is rare to be asleep when it goes off, and it isn’t my preferred way to wake up.   I dragged my sluggish body down the hall and dumped myself in a cooler than usual shower hoping to find a legitimate state of waking consciousness I could count on for the start of the work week, and afterward made what can only be called the worst mocha ever made, which I steadfastly consumed without (until now) complaint.

I settled down to meditate, and didn’t get far with that; one of my loves joined me for morning coffee and conversation. We don’t overlap much with our schedules, he and I, and any time we have together is precious.  Email can wait, chores can wait, writing can wait; I cherish those brief quiet times together, so this morning even meditation took a back seat to love.  I’m okay with that. The time we had to share was so very brief.  Again and again my thoughts return to the morning, and a feeling of mild regret that I wasn’t more awake.  My thoughts ricochet around in my broken brain and I think of “Time Enough for Love” by Robert A. Heinlein. No reason beyond the title, I suspect, but it is an amazing tale of adventure, of love, of living a life wide open to endless possibilities, and above all – of being human.  If Heinlein hadn’t written anything more than the title, he’d have said enough.  I wish I’d known the value of love much sooner in my life.

Foggy morning

Foggy morning

The work day got under way in a most ordinary fashion.  Eventually it will end and I will head home.  If the weather is pleasant, I may repeat my 5k walk of last Sunday, to experience it in nice weather on dry pavement, and to confirm my suspicion that I’m actually sufficiently fit at this point that I could do it easily every week and gain a little more ground toward my fitness goals.  I’m so tired, though… will taking care of me mean getting to bed earlier, tonight, or will I choose, again, in favor of time with my dear ones? (One short night isn’t a big deal.  If I make a habit of it, the cognitive and emotional consequences become obvious pretty quickly!)

I’m still feeling a bit foggy.  Sleep would be good… but it is hours away,  In the meantime, work, and later chores, and assorted tasks on a lengthy ‘to do’ list, compete with any hope of an early bed time. lol. Welcome to adulthood.

It is a lovely sunny day, now.  I’m still thinking about sleep, and love, and romance, and how to bring new tools and skills forward into my every day experience.

…Oops…I’ve run out of words. lol. I’ll be back with more soon… In the meantime, I plan to go forth and live well and with compassion.  How about you?

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

Childlike Wonder

October 4, 2013 //
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Yesterday I took some time for me, and spent it in the world, eyes-wide with childlike wonder – thus the title, right? 😀

The day began with dense fog, and a feeling of uncomplicated freedom.

Dawn looking very much as if it got a bit behind on creating a new day.

Dawn looking very much as if it got a bit behind on creating a new day.

An excellent coffee to warm up at my downtown transfer point became a bite of breakfast – most important meal of the day, and my personal favorite. 🙂

At The Original in downtown Portland.

At The Original in downtown Portland.

Then on to the ‘main event’ – everything worth doing is worth waiting for.

How do waiting rooms always look like waiting?

How do waiting rooms always look like waiting?

As I made my way home, after my appointment, I practiced being ‘in the moment’ and really looking and seeing the world around me.  I saw all sorts of things worth sharing, but didn’t take many pictures.  I had a conversation with a lovely young woman of incredible enthusiasm on a street corner.  She was shilling for a children’s charity.  I am an extrovert.  Those things equal ‘conversation’ in my experience. lol.  It was fun, cost me nothing, and although she didn’t ‘make the sale’, she also didn’t get treated with discourtesy or disregard, and lively banter was clearly in her skill set.

I had an interesting life lesson on perspective, beauty, and the fanciful delights the world offers up for appreciation when I open my eyes to it.  Two very different pictures of very different sorts of beauty.

I still don't know what these are, but wow are they fancy!

I still don’t know what these are, but wow are they fancy!

These are wow - and fancy - as well, and so very different from the complex natural beauty of a flowering vine.

These are wow – and fancy – as well, and so very different from the complex natural beauty of a flowering vine.

I’m not sure what to say about either, or both.  I know that I was equally delighted with the alien swirls of the strange vine as I was with the mad sparkle of crazy high-heels with glittery rhinestones.  I don’t plant invasive vines in my garden, and I don’t wear killer high-heels on my feet.  Appreciating their beauty is not relevant to that. 😀

…And here it is Friday. The day has barely begun with a lovely morning of sleeping in, followed by a quiet sunrise and a tasty latte, some love, some literature, some meditation. This is a brand new day that has barely begun to unfold.  So much potential. 😀  I hope to make wise choices, to speak with compassion, and to act with love.

 

 

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

One Quiet Moment

October 3, 2013 //
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It’s a gray morning. A lot of them are in this part of the world in autumn. I don’t mind, but it makes for unexciting photography in the pre-dawn gloom. lol.  Yesterday as I left for work, though, I saw this lovely sunrise:

It needs no explanation.

It needs no explanation.

It was a nice beginning to an exceptionally good day.  it was still autumn on the walk home, but less about pinks and lavenders, and more about russets, golds, greens and reds.

What remains of summer.

What remains of summer.

In the evening, I hung out with my loves and a dear friend of many years. We watched Heavy Metal; still a favorite bit of incredible art and animation, and of course the sound track is great classic rock.  It was a very nice day in general, although I had some challenges with my emotional balance over a very strange phone call from a business I did not expect to treat me badly.   I got past it with the use of new tools, and the help of my partners. Perspective makes a huge difference.

A peaceful morning. A good day. A quiet evening. A restful night.  There isn’t a lot more to want from life.   😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

All Too Human

September 30, 2013 //
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This morning I woke feeling cross. I also woke with a nasty headache, and serious pain with my arthritis, too. I feel stiff. Hell, I’ll say it – I feel ‘old’. lol.  I’m not tired.  My morning coffee is just right. There is no element of the morning thus far that lacks harmony or a relaxed satisfying comfort.  I just hurt, and I’m cross.  Pain is enough to result in a less than pleasant mood, of course – so why does my brain go looking for more? lol  Yep. This morning’s feature attraction – The Brain Attack.

Once upon a time, and up to very recently, a morning like this one would have set me off on a path of frequent angry rants, tantrums about inconsequential or unimportant bits of circumstance, and on a hunt for insidious (and illusory) patterns of misconduct in other people’s everyday utterly innocent behavior.  It isn’t fun to participate in that sort of thing, and even when I suspected my Brain was misleading me, I struggled to put it to rest or ‘find my way out’.  Something has changed… or at least, something has potentially changed, somewhat.  This morning is different.

This morning, feeling how I felt, and being so cross, I made a point of focusing on me while I showered and dressed. Instead of just going through the motions and filing it away under ‘morning task completion’ and moving on, I slowed down and took my time with myself.  I practiced ‘staying engaged and connected’ with myself.  I hadn’t noticed before that I sometimes wander off in  my thinking to places unknown, leaving my emotions unattended.  (I’m sorry if that seems… hard to follow, or lacking clarity. I don’t understand what I did differently today fully, myself, and I’m trying to share before I have an understanding. lol)  Giving myself the respect of staying ‘in the moment’ with myself first thing actually felt really good.

Meditation, a delicious latte, and some time playing SuperBetter and I find myself in a very different place.  It seems too simple – is this all it takes? I’m not bitching.  Oh, I still hurt, but I’m not making myself miserable with self-deception in the form of brain attacks on my emotional balance, along with physical discomfort.  it’s nice.

This morning, I did things differently, and got a different outcome.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress
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