Archives for posts with tag: my results vary
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Sometimes All You Get Is The Sunrise

December 17, 2023 //
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I’m sitting in my car, waiting for the sunrise to illuminate the trail, preferring not to walk it in the dark. I slept poorly, completely pwnd by my nightmares. My head aches ferociously and I feel as if I am stressed to a breaking point in spite of so recently having a few days away. I find myself on the edge of tears over and over again, and awash in vague feelings of frustration. It’s shitty.

I breathe. Exhale. Regain a sense of calm. Then I lose it again. The experience is very much as if I am completely “disregulated” for some reason. My thoughts come back to this fucking headache. Going on 9 years, in January. No relief. No diagnosis that feels trustworthy or useful. I’m still here, though, that’s something. For now it has to be enough.

The beginning of a sunrise.

My Traveling Partner pings me a greeting. He’s up early. His injured condition is vexing and worrisome for both of us. Worse for him, obviously, living with it. The visit to the ER earlier this week seemed somewhat reassuring but the feeling hasn’t lasted and he’s struggling more than seems reasonable. No doubt this is weighing more heavily on my heart and mind than I was prepared for.

The sun begins to rise and the horizon is on fire with intense reds and oranges, and a hint of pink. It’s gorgeous. I sit watching it evolve over some minutes, half an eye on the trailhead. Soon the path will be light enough to walk quite safely.

I try to let the sunrise be enough. The tears start falling. I let them. I don’t really know what else to do with tears. Right now is hard. Sometimes that’s how things are. The world seems like a pretty terrible heartless place right now, which adds to the feeling of senselessness, futility, and frustration. Subjectively, I feel very alone and ineffective, powerless to prevent this mortal vessel from breaking down, powerless to help my partner, powerless to help my dearest friend. Powerless to change the world. Mortality comes for us all, and these fucking meat suits are more fragile than they seemed in younger years. Fuck.

I cry awhile, sitting here alone, watching the sun rise. Sometimes a sunrise is all we get. Sometimes it has to be enough. I sigh and wipe the tears off my face before I get out of the car to walk this favorite trail. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Despair, Free Will, Frustration, grief, health, loneliness, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, turning 60

Sometimes It’s Shitty

December 9, 2023 //
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I’m in a pleasant place, at the end of a pleasant day. It’s been a lovely break from the routine, and I’ve enjoyed it. Doesn’t do anything to improve the pain I’m in, that’s just real, and as much as possible I’m past letting it call my shots in life(except when it just does) – but it doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Here’s the thing, though… we’re each having our own experience, and pain (or suffering) is part of the human condition. (Wait around long enough, you’ll get yours.) (And, I’m sorry in advance, cuz it’s definitely going to be a thing, if it isn’t already.)

I’m in pain. My Traveling Partner is also in pain. We have different pain, and different reasons why. We both hurt, and it can be super annoying. Pain tends to shrink one’s world down to just the pain we experience, ourself. It’s very human to filter someone’s shared experience through the lens of our own lived experience – without any reason to assume that these might be at all similar (they’re often not sufficiently similar to justify that approach). It makes for shitty listeners and a poor experience when seeking support. 😦 I remind myself to do better.

I’m sure we’ve both done all the things we know to do when we’re in pain. Doesn’t really do more than maybe improve things a bit. Doesn’t treat the underlying condition or cause. Doesn’t result in a uniformly pleasant experience from that point. Doesn’t make communicating about it any easier. Neither does being apart. Quite the contrary, being apart when we want support from our partner is extra frustrating. Not ideal for communication – or pain management. Stress amplifies pain. Pain causes stress.

Human primates being human primates, we tend to make some pretty stupid assumptions (and then act upon those instead of something we can confirm is truly the case) when we’re stressed, frustrated, hurt, or hurting. It’s no wonder I like the occasional getaway all alone; human primates vex me. (All of them, pretty reliably, at some point.) I’m not any better, being that I’m also a human primate. This evening I am, in fact, vexed with myself and my ongoing very human communication challenges. It sucks and I’m cross about it. How the fuck do I so reliably say things that I think demonstrate how much I care, only to have the person I’m speaking to behave as though I’ve been ignorant, insensitive, or just somehow wrong? Super annoying. I’d definitely like to do better.

I’d like to do more to “be there” for my Traveling Partner. I failed pretty seriously, and I think all I was really being asked to do was listen for awhile. That should be easier. (I definitely need more practice.) Over text, my communication challenges are complicated by how much slower I type out a text than my partner does. (I also tend to do several edits or rewrites of a response, and often still working on that, seeking to be careful with my words, considerate, wise… and then his messages start stacking up, and I’m not yet done with the first reply. Awkward. By the time I hit send, what I’ve said no longer makes sense. It’s problematic, and I definitely think conversations that require care and consideration do best irl rather than as text messages. Just my opinion, my experience. I want to help support him, and help him get the support he needs (or treatment) to be really well through and through. I also want that for myself, but don’t know how to get it. It’s hard, sometimes.

…Some things don’t have a tidy diagnosis with a conveniently positive resolution…

Now I’m distracted and annoyed by this situation, and struggling to focus on my book at all. I breathe, exhale, relax, check my meds – yep. Time for the next round. I sigh out loud. A few minutes ago my partner was telling me how much he misses me. I wonder if that’s still true right now? I hope we both sleep well and get good rest, and wake up in less pain. That’d be nice for both of us.

It’s evening. Already time to begin again.

…………..

I rarely “follow-up later”. This is me doing that. Hours later. I’m still in pain. He’s still in pain. We’re still apart from each other, and it’s… night. I miss him. He misses me. A few terse words and a bit of misunderstanding don’t change that (even when it may feel, momentarily, that it might). A quick reset – a chance to “begin again” – isn’t just a phrase. It’s a practice. I took some time, got past my bullshit. Distracted myself in a healthy way to avoid ruminating over bullshit. I “broke the spiral”, and got my evening back on track.

I’m tired, but not yet sleepy. I finished one book, and took time to sit with that world and its adventures, for a little while. I’d go to sleep, but I’ve had an “unfortunate amount” of coffee (4 cups? Maybe 5?) – and yes, it likely affects my ability to fall asleep quickly at my usual somewhat early hour. All good. I’ll rest, anyway. Maybe start the next book…? Then finally, get some sleep.

I’m eager to return home. Another opportunity to begin again. 😀

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Categories anger, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Frustration, health, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5

A Substantial Amount of Quiet

December 8, 2023 //
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It’s well into the afternoon. I’m done with work, both the day and the week. I’ve been out onto the beach, eating a picnic lunch (hounded by seagulls) and snapping pictures (at least the seagulls were willing to pose). I’m back to the room, weary and happy, and a bit chilly.

“May I join you…?”

It says something that my fully charged phone is now down to 12% battery after taking pictures of this-n-that as I walked. That’s a lot of pictures. I count 106 photos today, and 4 videos. lol It was a satisfying walk. My tracker says almost 2 miles. I’m okay with that; it’s neither a competition nor is it a race. No trophy. No accolades. Just a couple miles on my boots, and a happy smile. I’ll probably sleep well tonight.

Returning to the warmth and comfort of the hotel room, I swap shoes for slippers, and put on water for a cup of herb tea (I’ve definitely had enough coffee). I put on my headphones, thinking ahead to music or a video, but end up just listening to the enhanced quiet of noise-cancellation (and my tinnitus). I say a silent “thanks!” to my Traveling Partner, who had recommended these particular headphones – the freedom of Bluetooth, combined with comfort and enhanced quiet. I’m a fan.

I forget all about tea, music, and videos, as I flip through the pictures…

The recent storms piled up extra driftwood, and left very little beach (this was shot very near to low tide).

I sign out loud contentedly, each picture bringing back some moment, a sight, a feeling…

Across the channel, the seals gather to nap in the sunshine.

I yawn. Might not make it to that cup of tea at all. A nap is starting to sound good… and I’ve got this book to read… I smile and stretch lazily. I can do what I like. I don’t know yet what that will be. I’ve got options. I suppose I’ll give it a minute, and then… begin again. 😉

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being

You Can Plan All You Like

December 6, 2023 //
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Life still happens without much regard to the planning of human beings living their limited mortal lifetimes. Like it or don’t. Plan or don’t. Circumstances will be what they are, independent of our attempts to corral them within the confines of a good plan. I say this as a woman who definitely appreciates a plan.

Before dawn at the start of a planned walk. It’s raining.

I woke early with a plan: get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps, return home and complete a productive work day, hit the road headed for a couple days solo on the coast in the afternoon. Good plan and I woke excited about the day(s) ahead.

… It’s still too dark to start my walk, but it’s pretty clear that I’m likely to be still waiting for a break in the rain (and not going to get one) when daybreak comes. The rain falls steadily.

I check road conditions between here and my planned coastal destination… there is more rain and possible flooding in the forecast. For now, conditions are “fine”, although rainy, between here and there. Flooding is reported, but much further north and much further south. At least, from this early morning vantage point, I’m still on track to head to the coast to get some storm watching in, and maybe a walk on the beach…? Maybe. I intend to bring work with me, too. This is not a vacation so much as a few days of pleasant solo time while my partner works on complicated projects that benefit from focused time uninterrupted by my constant chatter, and without anyone’s feelings being hurt by lack of attention. Still, the whole thing now hinges on the weather; I can hardly drive to the coast if the roads are flooded. So, I keep an eye on the weather and the traffic cams along the route. Waiting. Wondering. Trying not to cling too tightly to my plan. Letting go of assumptions and expectations.

I sigh softly and listen to the rain fall. The sky slowly begins to lighten.

I’m already packed for my wee getaway. I contemplate other potential destinations that might meet the need in a similarly pleasant way. It’s “off season” most places in this area, but I’d be looking for quiet, which shortens the list quite quickly. The last minute planning and execution also shortens the list; it may not be the peak season for travelers and tourists, but a lot of places are full nonetheless.

The rain continues to fall, tapping on the car as if to say “excuse me, you do realize it’s raining?”. lol Yes, yes I do. Rain or no rain, plan or no plan, the day will be what it is. Soon it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, autumn, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being

Small Luxuries, Big Joy

November 30, 2023 //
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I’m sipping an afternoon coffee. It’s delicious. I chuckle to myself very much aware that I may “pay for it” later, with degraded sleep quality, but… hell, my sleep quality was crappy last night, anyway, so maybe I’ll just wind down toward the end of the evening and sleep just fine in spite of the coffee? Maybe not. I shrug it off and enjoy my coffee – there’s no need to overthink it, or sacrifice my joy for a concern that is not now. 😀

Work is good. Life is good. I feel okay – sure, there’s pain, but it’s generally manageable. The view from the office is pleasant. This space is quiet. It is quite a nice afternoon, productive and relaxed. It’s a good time to take a break, and just… enjoy the moment.

…I think those words and my brain lobs a half-assed attack my way (“You must be overlooking something… what haven’t you done?!?!”). I shrug it off and sip my coffee, watching the raindrops slide down the recently cleaned office windows. I breathe, exhale, relax, and enjoy this break and this coffee, utterly guiltlessly without self-consciousness or doubt. As I said; work is good.

I sit with my thoughts awhile; another small luxury (having this quiet space in which to reflect). I feel my afternoon anxiety medication kick in – it’s much more obvious when I don’t seem to be needing it. A leaf falls slowly beyond the window… I’m puzzled by that, since the urban tree tops are below me. I watch it fall, as if in slow motion, caught on some breeze, perhaps. The rain falls, gently, still drenching everything on the streets and sidewalks below. There are puddles in the park across the street. The sky is an even neutral gray. I sip my coffee, and sigh contentedly. It’s a good day to be this particular human being, in this particular moment, now. I enjoy it while it lasts. (“This too will pass.”) The quiet is luxurious. I feel infused with simple joy.

…I miss my Traveling Partner, and commit to working from home tomorrow. I smile, pausing to feel the luxury of having this option, and the opportunity to choose when and how to exercise it. I’ve been tied to a desk, or punching a clock – I did it for years. Decades. The feeling of autonomy in my working hours, and even in the location from which I work, is a pretty wonderful luxury. While I do hope I “always” have it for the remainder of my working adulthood, I hope even more to unfailingly appreciate it while I do – and hopefully not be grumpy about it if circumstances change. (I’d like to be my best self, generally, and for me that woman is gracious, understanding, adaptable, and pleasant to be around… I do my best. My results vary. lol)

I take a last sip of my coffee and sigh. It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being
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