Archives for posts with tag: my results vary
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What Do You Even Want, Though?

April 3, 2023 //
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It’s a Monday. The weekend was odd… and also oddly delightful. No amount of actual proper planning went into it; it was simply a weekend on which life skidded sideways in a remarkable and wonderful way, and without creating agita or stress. It was … good. Time well-spent with my Traveling Partner, though it did “test me” a bit; I tend not to be particularly “spontaneous”, and I like a good plan. Circumstances and change will have their way with our planning. LOL

What do you want out of life? What do you want for yourself? What do you see as representative of your individual success – and what are you doing to get to that place? It’s just something I’m thinking about this morning, because although I thought I “knew what I wanted” 10 years ago, I for sure was not “headed that direction” and between holding myself back out of doubt, and just not making forward progress (often due to clinging to my chaos and damage, or refusing to set down some bit of baggage and move on). Somehow, I am now in a very different place… I’m not as certain day-to-day “what I want” in a clear and “execute the plan” sort of way, but I am managing to progress toward my goals rather quickly. I chuckle thinking about how hard I made things for myself years ago, with thinking errors, and poor decision-making.

…I’m not even being particularly harsh or critical with myself. This is not a “woe is me” moment; I’ve learned a lot along the way, and every moment has been precious for some characteristic all its own.

…But… what do you want? Why do you want that? Is it really what you want – or did you adopt it from someone else’s dreams? I think these are important questions. I ask them. Answer them. Act on what I learn about myself.

Do you really want a Lamborghini? Those Louboutin shoes? The designer bag? The custom kitchen? The big house? The 7-figure dream salary? Are you sure about it? I mean, if those are the things in life you’re after, they are probably within reach… given the time, the appropriate decision-making, and the required follow-through. I don’t say it’ll be easy, but most of that looks approximately achievable for a lot of people – if they choose to do what that honestly takes. Most folks don’t want to put in the required work – or make the necessary decisions. What if it’s your partnership holding you back? Your family? Friends? Would you choose? (Some people definitely do.)

Gnothi Seauton. Know yourself.

What do you really want?

What stops you from doing what it takes to achieve your dream?

Think about it.

Begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, inspiration, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being

The Clock is Ticking

March 30, 2023 //
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The sound of a ticking clock used to really cause me stress, for a younger me that was most especially true of the steady thunk of grandfather clocks during the wee hours, when I could not sleep. I would lay awake painfully aware that the minutes of my life were… passing. It was a poor choice to focus on the sound of the ticking of clocks when plagued by insomnia, but that’s who I was then, and there seemed to be ticking clocks nearly everywhere. I’m not so hung up on time, these days, and the sound of a ticking clock doesn’t bother me at all. Progress can be measured in some very peculiar ways. lol

My coffee is good. The day is off to an excellent start. My Traveling Partner was already up when I got up this morning, and we enjoyed our first cup of coffee together, which was lovely. I arrived at the co-work space at about the usual time, which made the choice to slow down and have coffee together ideal; it didn’t change the rest of my routine or plan for the day at all. 😀

I feel good. I sit with that for a few minutes… It’s not that I don’t have any physical pain, it’s more that it just doesn’t matter right now. I feel calm and centered. I feel infused with a certain soft contented joy. I feel… relaxed. It’s very pleasant. I find that it isn’t necessarily a useful mindset for writing; I am content with sitting here watching my thoughts drift by. lol So… I do that for a little while, without concern or shame. It’s a short enough life already – I think I’ll enjoy it the way I enjoy it, and be okay with that. 😀

Spring is definitely here. The morning is mild, and in the mid-40s about 6 degrees Celsius. I am thinking eagerly about getting the new blueberry bushes into the ground.

Waiting to be planted.

There’s preparatory work to do, to get the beds ready for the new shrubs. I’m okay with that – a lot of life works that way; we benefit from planning, and also from preparation. Those are both useful for getting the best possible outcome.

I think over the morning, and the day ahead. I remind myself of a couple of errands I plan to run later, and take a look at my calendar for lunch timing – looks like a good day go home for lunch with my Traveling Partner. 😀 What a splendid day so far… I smile and sip my coffee, and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Spring

Pacing Myself

March 27, 2023 //
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This morning I’m back at work, sipping coffee before the workday begins, and giving thought to how best to prevent burn out or overwork as I turn my attention back to the workday routine for the first time in bit more than a week. It’s rare for me to take so much down time, and rarer still to successfully without exception leave work entirely alone for the duration of my time off. It felt amazing, and restful, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

…Now… where did I leave that list of shit I mean to take care of this week…?

I smile at myself in the quiet of the office in the early morning. The muzak was not left on over the weekend (or maybe there was a power outage or something), and it is super quiet, and as is so often the case, I’m first into the office, and I am alone. It’s good time for writing.

…Today I go pick up new glasses. Later this week, we finish up the tax forms and get those filed. New team mates to meet today or tomorrow. Coffee with a friend that I’d planned for Wednesday needs to be rescheduled; I won’t be in the city, I’ll be here in town (see “finish up tax forms…”). I have a nagging feeling there is something potentially missing from my calendar, but I’m aware that having managed to miss a couple committed deadlines for things recently, as well as completely forgetting about a couple of scheduled appointments in the past two or three weeks, I’m sensitive to the risk of further forgettery, and prone to wandering about with a “what am I forgetting now??” look on my face (and sensation in my head).

I breathe. Exhale. Relax. It’ll be enough (today) to remember to pick up my fucking glasses – I’d meant to do that when I got back into town on Thursday (the same day I’d planned to get the taxes wrapped up, which had been rescheduled from managing to forget about it the week prior). One thing at a time. That’s a good beginning. 😀

I sigh out loud. This cup of coffee is finished. It’s not even very good – just hot coffee of the not-quite-instant k-cup variety. I glance at my work calendar; looks like a busy week ahead. I squint at my calendar disapprovingly before adjusting my thinking based on the observation that meetings are pretty well grouped on Tuesday, with plenty of open time for focused work on other days. It apparently only takes me a week of being properly away to become completely “out of practice” with my work routine and expectations. LOL

I catch myself smiling; my thoughts wandered to the new shower steamers I’d made during my time off, some of which I haven’t yet tried. I think ahead to a lovely shower after work… maybe that new “violet woods” scent tonight?

Another breath. Another moment to reflect as day breaks and the sky lightens to a very “walkable” pale gray sky. By the end of March, I’ll surely be back on the trail with my camera in my hand before work each day, and spending more work days in the office at home (vs the co work space). Another sign of Spring, although my current favorite signs of Spring are the roses in my garden leafing out with new growth, and the hyacinths and crocuses blooming. 🙂

Spring flowers.

Another breath. Another moment. A good time to make another cup of coffee, before I begin the work day. 😀 I’m ready.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Spring

What Will You Plant This Year?

January 27, 2023 //
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I am sipping my coffee and watching the sunshine beyond the window brighten the stucco of the wall across the street. I think of my spring garden; it’s time to plan the new year’s crops. It’s a small garden, and the planning is a considerable portion of the fun in it for me. I look forward to contented weekend moments with seed and plant catalogs open to page after page of brightly colored flowers and tasty looking fruits and memories of gardens past becoming a plan for Spring. It tempts my attention away from work for a moment. Healthy. We are not our jobs. 🙂

I open a separate tab while I write – my “to-do list” – and jot down notes as the thoughts drift through my mind. Why wait and risk losing a worthy idea? I make notes. Just a handful of words. The names of specific spaces.

In spite of the obvious sunny day beyond the window, my arthritis shrieks at me about it being winter. I’m in pain. I take steps to make it as manageable as I am able to do. I grief myself momentarily over my nails – I need a manicure but don’t feel like dealing with it at all. I let that go. It can wait, and giving myself shit over something so petty makes no sense. I’d rather read a book. lol More likely to distract me from the pain I’m in, too.

…I think I’d like a nap…

I sigh out loud in this quiet room. It sounds louder than I mean to be, and I hear that expression from deep within alerting me of unmet needs of some sort. I think about self-care. Damn, a long hot soak in the hot tub would be nice… the water needs changing. It’s that very strange time of year in winter when thoughts of Spring get ahead of the weather a bit too far. I’ll settle for a hot shower later – and a plan.

…I like having a plan…

A handful of years ago, I completed a manuscript of my poetry. That’s honestly the end, right there. That’s as far as I actually got with it. I just… stalled. I’m not even sure why. I let myself think it was to do with a painfully angsty and adolescent poem I included and had second-thoughts about… but no, when I was inspired to revisit this manuscript last night I discovered I’d already removed that. Then I found a spelling error. Then I remembered the poetry I salvaged from my journal destruction project on New Year’s this year. Then I noticed a formatting error. One detail at a time I corrected the errors I found, and cleaned things up a bit. I reached out to the friend who had written the original forward for my manuscript (“Can I still use this?”) and got his enthusiastic approval. I feel far more ready to see this published than I had previously… this year? That’s what I’m thinking, yeah.

My Traveling Partner asked me what I was working on at some point. I shared. It was a sort of “why now?” moment… Yeah… Why now? I’m not sure, really. I think, like the destruction of those old pen & ink journals, it’s just that the time has come to clean up loose ends. Put down old baggage. Finish stalled projects – or toss them in the bin. Clear the clutter. I need the stronger foundation to support my emotional wellness. Clutter is an impediment.

…This weekend I’ll start with getting moved back into my studio now that my new desk is built. 😀

Already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being

So Far, So…

January 23, 2023 //
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So far…, so… I’m not perfect. Not even close. If “perfection” were the measure of human success, I would be an abject failure. Just saying, there’s something to appreciate that a. the bar is way lower than that and b. we even get to “set the bar” for most values of “success” in life ourselves and then also score the results. “It’s not that bad.” describes a lot of things. Pro-tip: there’s real value in pausing to reflect on how good it is and how bad it isn’t now and then. The results may surprise you.

“Good enough” has to be good enough, sometimes. 🙂

Are you wondering why I linked that track in paragraph 1? Here it is again with the lyrics. 😉

Last weekend I was ill. Like, dragging myself to the bathroom for multiple episodes of all manner of biological disaster through the night on Friday, and running a bit of a fever all day Saturday after my guts were utterly emptied from both ends. Yick. Horrible. My fever finally broke in the early evening on Saturday. Yesterday I was exhausted (in spite of drifting in and out of a restless sleep most of Saturday), and a bit faint and dizzy feeling. I managed to push a couple loads of laundry through the machines, and even put away most of that, but anything more was honestly beyond me. My Traveling Partner was super helpful and supportive and kind, and the only moment of discord between us was a bit of frustration with me over my relative incompetence in that state that made it super difficult to do the one “thinking task” (and it was a way easy ask) that he called upon me to do late in the afternoon. Thankfully, he saved me from possibly bricking an expensive laptop by being more aware than I was that I had “gone down the wrong path” on that task. My own frustration with the situation resulted comically in being mad enough to “storm off” to take a walk… which amounted to going to check the mail because I did not even have the strength to take a real walk of any distance. Hilarious. Had to come home and fucking behave myself and work on making things right with my partner like a grown-up.

Today feels like “just another work day”, but with a helping of “why did I think I would actually be fully up to this already?”. I didn’t sleep well, either. I had slept so much (I suspect) in the prior days (without drinking much coffee) that I ended up “over slept”, and since yesterday I did have coffee… I couldn’t sleep. Since I didn’t have quite half my usual amount of coffee, I also ended yesterday with a wicked headache (or was still sick…?), and the medication I took for that tends to result in not being able to sleep deeply. The result was a restless night. Funny… I’m okay though. There are things that matter more. Life? Love? Beauty? This quiet contented moment of reflection? The grocery list I don’t want to forget to shop for later. lol

I yawn and rub my eyes. I pause and write my Traveling Partner a love note. I fucking love that guy. I also appreciate him. I take a sip of coffee and a big drink of water and get ready to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking
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