practice kindness | Evening Light

My morning has had a difficult beginning. I dislike driving while crying, and it frankly isn’t safe. I’m doing my best in this moment to put the difficult start to the day behind me, and maybe figure out a new beginning, or some kind of reset to turn things around. For the moment, I’m very human, and seem to be mostly made of tears and disappointment, which is annoying (and predictably temporary).

This morning’s sunrise was lovely, I guess. I didn’t really see it with my eyes and my whole attention; I was mired in emotional bullshit and the sorrows and drama of humans being human. This morning that whole mess sources within my own home and relationships, so no opportunity to wax philosophically about perspective and blah blah blah – just this personal struggle to deal with it as skillfully as I am able, which, right now, seems like “not very”.

…I’m pretty reliably saddened and hurt by my Traveling Partner being angry with me, and even more so when it seems like something I have little control over at all ( in this case, his allergies) as with this morning…

Emotion and reason; it’s a complicated balance.

I sigh quietly, and try to get my tears under control because it is a work day, and I have meetings to attend like “a proper grown-up”. (It’s hard to care, frankly; these tears, and my partner’s feelings, matter so much more in this moment, and that is the truth of emotion and reason; emotion matters more.) It sucks that my Traveling Partner woke choking with allergies and struggling to breathe. I wish I knew how to help with that in some truly effective way. Subjectively, I feel that I’m doing all I can, already. If I knew more to do, I’d do it. Every time the thought of his discomfort, and his subsequent angry words as I left for work, surfaces in my consciousness again the tears well up. Not helpful. I reflect on the unpleasant moment we shared. I could have done things differently. Feeling provoked to anger, myself, by “the unfairness of it all” on top of his angry words led to me leaving the house angry and crying, and to slamming the door on my way out. Childish and neither helpful nor necessary. I feel foolish over my loss of patience and kindness. I could definitely have done better. I don’t respond well to angry words or raised voices, most especially when I’ve just woken up. I don’t say that to excuse bad behavior – there is no real excuse – I’m just putting things in context and working to cut myself (and my Traveling Partner) some slack. Emotions are sometimes difficult to manage skillfully (for anyone), and this is true whether I’m being snarled at first thing in the morning, or whether my partner is struggling to breathe, and as a result short-tempered and easily provoked, himself. It all just sucks very much.

…I miss living alone sometimes, it seems “easier” (for some values of “easy”, under some circumstances)…

A bumblebee and a rose; they need each other.

The tears come and go. I’d rather not deal with this shit all day, but if I’m going to get past it, I’ll have to do the work to restore my lost perspective, myself. My Traveling Partner’s anger reliably hurts so much. Fuck, I hope he’s able to get his breath back – more than anything else, I want him to be comfortable and content and able to do the things he wants to do, whether that’s work or rest or whatever. Fuck my feelings! In context they are not the bigger deal. In spite of my tears and hurt feelings, I wish him only well, and suddenly I find myself wondering if I should have stayed? Did he need to go to the ER? I reacted to his frustration and anger so quickly, that I didn’t take time to assess the situation with greater care. I feel a little ashamed by that, then recall the messages he DM’d me after I’d left the house. I guess if he had needed to go to the ER, he’d have said something then.

Work. Shit. I struggle with regaining perspective on the day and getting my head into my work. Very human. The emotions “matter” more, at least for now. I breathe, and try to let the morning’s difficult beginning fall away, to focus on work. I’ll get there at some point. For now it’s hard, and I keep practicing. My head is stuffy from crying, making it tougher to breathe, and I’m reminded of what my Traveling Partner was – may still be – going through, himself. I wish I could help, somehow. My coffee is insipid, and my head aches. My tinnitus is loud in my ears. My eyes feel puffy. I sigh again, and keep working on “pulling myself together”. I hope my partner is doing better than I am, right now. What a shitty start to the day, for both of us.

…”This too will pass”, I remind myself…

“Orange Honey” – just a picture of a lovely rose blooming in my garden. I try to distract myself from the moment, to begin again.

It sometimes takes more work than I expect, to be the person I most want to be. My temper sometimes catches me by surprise. I can do better. I need more practice, I guess. Certainly there’s no point taking my Traveling Partner’s anger over struggling to breathe “personally” – we all need to be able to breathe, and being deprived of that ability is (from my limited experience) quite terrifying. It’s a short step to anger from there. I’m also certain that in a more rational moment (when he can breathe comfortably), he likely wouldn’t put the blame for his allergies on me personally, and recognizes that I would not ever deliberately do anything that could prevent him from breathing – at least, I hope so. I wish I could do more to bring him comfort and ease his suffering, though. Right now, I mean. I’m vexed by feeling so helpless.

I sigh again. I’m glad I have the office to myself at this hour; no one sees me crying. I have a chance to get my shit together and my emotions under control. There’s work to do, and a full calendar of meetings. My results may vary, but it is definitely time to begin again. I begin with gratitude; it’s hard to hold onto anger when I feel grateful, and I am grateful (very) for the many things my Traveling Partner does for me (and us). Just looking around at my desk, there are so many signs of his affection… this is not “hopeless”, it’s just a moment. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I can only do my best, and the path isn’t always an easy one, but it is mine. I have choices. I can begin again like a sunrise on a new day – it’s enough. We become what we practice.

I find one of the most difficult (and worthwhile) practices to be refraining from taking things personally. It’s so easy to bask in the glow of a lovely compliment and take that to heart… but… the same person telling you that you’re awesome yesterday could very well be calling you a fucking bitch when they see you next week. That’s about them.

If I let myself become invested in some other person’s opinion of me to the point that it becomes self-defining, I’m likely to end up constantly spun up every time they change their opinion in some moment of joy – or anger. That doesn’t sound particularly healthy, at all. Using another example; if taken personally, shit talk from another room could be a huge mood wrecker and potentially a source of conflict. Avoid taking that personally, and it’s simply that other person dealing with their own emotions (however well or poorly, which is a separate concern). I’m not saying it’s easy to avoid taking shit personally, at all, I’m just saying its a worthwhile practice. So – I keep practicing.

…An insult is like any poison; it only affects you if it gets into your system. Don’t drink the poison.

Human primates are messy and sometimes unpleasant to deal with. Doesn’t matter if it’s that guy over there, or the person in the mirror – we’ve all got “issues”. Making a point of letting that other person’s issues be their own (and not letting them also become yours) is a good step toward feeling centered and calm, even when there’s a bit of chaos about. It’s also easier to focus on and deal with your own issues if you’re not all wound up in someone else’s moment. It’s one useful thing about being individuals; you can let that person be who they are, let them have their moment, and go right ahead and work on you while they do. Non-attachment is another useful-but-also-difficult practice. I take a deep breath and let it out.

I sip my coffee. The day started early, and less than ideally well. I got up, dressed, and went directly to work. I’m not in a good mood, and just dealing with that is taking quite a lot of my focus and effort. I had my day planned differently, but circumstances often don’t check my calendar. lol Later this morning, I’ll attempt to make the drive to a town nearby to get some lab work done that has been delayed by the inclement weather. I’ll return movie rentals on my way back. Maybe take a package to the post office. All of this is dependent on the condition the road is in, later in the morning. I admit – I’d very much like to get out of the house for awhile. I’m feeling a bit cooped up, and it’s exhausting trying to keep up on work, the housekeeping I usually do, and handle the tasks and chores my partner typically handles, while also doing things to support and care for him while he recovers from being injured. It’s a lot. I’m fucking tired. I’m tired enough that it limits my ability to graciously deal with stress or moments of temper, and since we’re both human primates, there’s reliably a bit of that now and then. I could do better. I keep practicing.

…There’s a lot of practicing going on this morning…

I sigh. Continue to drink my coffee. I could use some real “down time”. My last “coastal getaway” was mostly spent working, and was done primarily with the intention of giving my Traveling Partner time alone to work on a project – neither of us anticipated that he’d get hurt and be both unable to work on that project at that time, but also have to shelve it for weeks while he recovered. I came home from a getaway that provided little down time at all, to increased workload and increased stress with few opportunities to get away from either because I was needed right here at home to provide my partner with care because he just couldn’t get around to do basic tasks for himself. I’m exhausted, and I’m very much yearning for some time to myself to just exist on my own terms for some brief period of time without being constantly aware of the fairly long list of things I still haven’t gotten to that need doing. It’s called “self-care” for a reason; you’ve got to do it yourself, for yourself. I’m betting my Traveling Partner would enjoy a couple days without my constant presence, himself… I remind myself to ask, and to check-in on whether he thinks he is in sufficiently good shape to take care of himself without me for a couple days.

In the wintry months, camping is not an ideal option for me, personally. I don’t care for sleeping on the ground in cold weather, and it worsens my arthritis significantly to do so. Instead, I count on an inexpensive room on the coast, near trails and beaches I enjoy walking. I check to see what the availability is like over the next couple of weekends, and spot a potential opportunity. Just taking the steps to check out my options reduces my stress some little bit; I “feel heard” by the person I reliably need to be listening to me (me). I breathe. Exhale. Relax. Sip my coffee. Repeat. I think about other things I can do to ease my stress and restore my energy and plan my day with those things in mind. The weather seems to be improving somewhat, and the ice is melting… handy. I could use a walk. 😀

I make a short list of the more urgent items to attend to today, so I don’t forget them… I immediately feel overwhelmed when I add “put away your laundry” to the list; I’ve been putting off actually completing that task for literally weeks. It’s one task I can shrug off without really affecting anyone else, but… it does add to the chaos in my living space, and that increases my stress. There’s an obvious cycle to that, and breaking it requires me to hang up a bunch of shirts and tops, which is physically painful and also tedious. That’s it. That’s the “big deal” and I keep dodging it. Fucking hell. And the dishes need doing, which vexes me endlessly because as soon as they’re done, I cook something or fetch my Traveling Partner a snack and there are more fucking dishes. Cycles upon cycles.

…One task at a time…

I look at the time, and my inbox. It’s already time to begin again.

Gratitude Wins Over Anger

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Gratitude Wins Over Anger

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