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Battling the Ancient Enemy

October 7, 2013 //
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Yesterday was lovely. The work day went smoothly, in that how-could-this-be-better sort of smoothness work days sometimes have. The walk home became a ride home when my partner reached out with the offer of a ride, just as I was realizing my notion to walk the 5k route again wasn’t planned with my fatigue and general physical condition of the day in mind.  The evening continued in the same pleasant way, and I actually did get to bed earlier, on-time-ish enough not to mess with my routine was my hope.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

A sparkling autumn afternoon.

My night didn’t go so smoothly. I woke abruptly at 2:30 am, gripped by anxiety and dread, barely able to take a breath. My chest felt tight, and as I sit here considering it, I face an internal deluge of words to describe fear and anxiety, and little else; content capable of taking me over and leading me away from contentment. I got up, put on dim lights, and began going through the motions of regaining calm: breathing, yoga, meditation, a shower, more breathing, more yoga, a few mindful moments settling into the ‘now’… just after 3:00 am was when I took my first fully deep and actually satisfying breath. I remember it because at the time I thought “Huh, I wasn’t actually breathing deeply at all, this whole time!” Then, I took 4 or 5 really good deep calming breaths and felt my consciousness shift from real fear and panic, to the residual low-level anxiety that sometimes lingers once I’ve gotten past the bad bit.  I was able to return to sleep.  For the second day in row, I woke to my alarm clock, feeling groggy.

It’s a peaceful solitary morning, in spite of the difficulties of the night.  The fear I woke with has faded into words about the experience, which are much less scary than the feelings themselves. I may never know what the anxiety in the night was actually ‘about’… but, with a brain injury, PTSD, a lifelong history of sleep disturbances (seriously, since I was a toddler) adding to the natural emotional ups and downs of going through menopause – do I actually need root-cause analysis? Isn’t life enough? lol

Day two of seriously poor quality sleep starting my day. I do feel it.  Taking care of me, and meeting my own needs where I can, includes getting adequate rest – this isn’t it.  Maybe tonight will be better.  I find myself silently reviewing ‘the sleep list’ of things I can do to improve my sleep…  it is, however, morning. Time to face the day.

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Menopause, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Words

One Foggy Morning

October 6, 2013 //
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I woke this morning after a night short on hours, long on dreams, and restless, very restless.  I woke a number of times during the night, returning to sleep with little effort.  My dreamscape was lively, surreal, and oddly persuasive on a number of random details that now seem to rate further thought by daylight.  I woke very groggy, to the strident beeping of my infernal alarm clock – it is rare to be asleep when it goes off, and it isn’t my preferred way to wake up.   I dragged my sluggish body down the hall and dumped myself in a cooler than usual shower hoping to find a legitimate state of waking consciousness I could count on for the start of the work week, and afterward made what can only be called the worst mocha ever made, which I steadfastly consumed without (until now) complaint.

I settled down to meditate, and didn’t get far with that; one of my loves joined me for morning coffee and conversation. We don’t overlap much with our schedules, he and I, and any time we have together is precious.  Email can wait, chores can wait, writing can wait; I cherish those brief quiet times together, so this morning even meditation took a back seat to love.  I’m okay with that. The time we had to share was so very brief.  Again and again my thoughts return to the morning, and a feeling of mild regret that I wasn’t more awake.  My thoughts ricochet around in my broken brain and I think of “Time Enough for Love” by Robert A. Heinlein. No reason beyond the title, I suspect, but it is an amazing tale of adventure, of love, of living a life wide open to endless possibilities, and above all – of being human.  If Heinlein hadn’t written anything more than the title, he’d have said enough.  I wish I’d known the value of love much sooner in my life.

Foggy morning

Foggy morning

The work day got under way in a most ordinary fashion.  Eventually it will end and I will head home.  If the weather is pleasant, I may repeat my 5k walk of last Sunday, to experience it in nice weather on dry pavement, and to confirm my suspicion that I’m actually sufficiently fit at this point that I could do it easily every week and gain a little more ground toward my fitness goals.  I’m so tired, though… will taking care of me mean getting to bed earlier, tonight, or will I choose, again, in favor of time with my dear ones? (One short night isn’t a big deal.  If I make a habit of it, the cognitive and emotional consequences become obvious pretty quickly!)

I’m still feeling a bit foggy.  Sleep would be good… but it is hours away,  In the meantime, work, and later chores, and assorted tasks on a lengthy ‘to do’ list, compete with any hope of an early bed time. lol. Welcome to adulthood.

It is a lovely sunny day, now.  I’m still thinking about sleep, and love, and romance, and how to bring new tools and skills forward into my every day experience.

…Oops…I’ve run out of words. lol. I’ll be back with more soon… In the meantime, I plan to go forth and live well and with compassion.  How about you?

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

Childlike Wonder

October 4, 2013 //
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Yesterday I took some time for me, and spent it in the world, eyes-wide with childlike wonder – thus the title, right? 😀

The day began with dense fog, and a feeling of uncomplicated freedom.

Dawn looking very much as if it got a bit behind on creating a new day.

Dawn looking very much as if it got a bit behind on creating a new day.

An excellent coffee to warm up at my downtown transfer point became a bite of breakfast – most important meal of the day, and my personal favorite. 🙂

At The Original in downtown Portland.

At The Original in downtown Portland.

Then on to the ‘main event’ – everything worth doing is worth waiting for.

How do waiting rooms always look like waiting?

How do waiting rooms always look like waiting?

As I made my way home, after my appointment, I practiced being ‘in the moment’ and really looking and seeing the world around me.  I saw all sorts of things worth sharing, but didn’t take many pictures.  I had a conversation with a lovely young woman of incredible enthusiasm on a street corner.  She was shilling for a children’s charity.  I am an extrovert.  Those things equal ‘conversation’ in my experience. lol.  It was fun, cost me nothing, and although she didn’t ‘make the sale’, she also didn’t get treated with discourtesy or disregard, and lively banter was clearly in her skill set.

I had an interesting life lesson on perspective, beauty, and the fanciful delights the world offers up for appreciation when I open my eyes to it.  Two very different pictures of very different sorts of beauty.

I still don't know what these are, but wow are they fancy!

I still don’t know what these are, but wow are they fancy!

These are wow - and fancy - as well, and so very different from the complex natural beauty of a flowering vine.

These are wow – and fancy – as well, and so very different from the complex natural beauty of a flowering vine.

I’m not sure what to say about either, or both.  I know that I was equally delighted with the alien swirls of the strange vine as I was with the mad sparkle of crazy high-heels with glittery rhinestones.  I don’t plant invasive vines in my garden, and I don’t wear killer high-heels on my feet.  Appreciating their beauty is not relevant to that. 😀

…And here it is Friday. The day has barely begun with a lovely morning of sleeping in, followed by a quiet sunrise and a tasty latte, some love, some literature, some meditation. This is a brand new day that has barely begun to unfold.  So much potential. 😀  I hope to make wise choices, to speak with compassion, and to act with love.

 

 

 

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

One Quiet Moment

October 3, 2013 //
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It’s a gray morning. A lot of them are in this part of the world in autumn. I don’t mind, but it makes for unexciting photography in the pre-dawn gloom. lol.  Yesterday as I left for work, though, I saw this lovely sunrise:

It needs no explanation.

It needs no explanation.

It was a nice beginning to an exceptionally good day.  it was still autumn on the walk home, but less about pinks and lavenders, and more about russets, golds, greens and reds.

What remains of summer.

What remains of summer.

In the evening, I hung out with my loves and a dear friend of many years. We watched Heavy Metal; still a favorite bit of incredible art and animation, and of course the sound track is great classic rock.  It was a very nice day in general, although I had some challenges with my emotional balance over a very strange phone call from a business I did not expect to treat me badly.   I got past it with the use of new tools, and the help of my partners. Perspective makes a huge difference.

A peaceful morning. A good day. A quiet evening. A restful night.  There isn’t a lot more to want from life.   😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Words

Very Few Words

October 2, 2013 //
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This quiet morning I am a woman of few words.  My busy mind is momentarily quieted with meditation, and I’ve got a good latte in front of me, and imminent dawn to contemplate as day breaks.

A new book, Buddhist Boot Camp, arrived in the mail yesterday.  So far, I’m delighted with it.  It is already on my fairly short list of books that have made a difference to me. Books I love are numerous, but the books that have mattered, that have helped me on my path, that have been tools more than entertainment are quite few in number.  I’ve mentioned several of them, and they amount to my ‘recommended reading list’ for getting from “I hate where I am” to “I am going somewhere new and I enjoy who I am becoming along the way”.  Are you a little curious?

Here they are, as of today, in the order I read them:

  • Your Greatest Power by Jack Martin Kohe*
  • The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
  • Success by Heidi Grant Halvorson
  • The Five Elements of Effective Thinking by Edward B Burger, and Michael Starbird
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
  • Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn
  • Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe**
  • Buddhist Boot Camp by Timber Hawkeye

Are there other books I would recommend? Sure, if someone asked; it would depend on what they said they are looking for, or where they are headed, or perhaps what sort of day it was at the time. I love books. I have read many. I enjoy the feel of a bound book in my hands, and the gift of knowledge, wisdom, or story telling from some other mind, in some other place and time, so carefully preserved for me. 😀 These are just books that from where I stand now, appear to have been key to getting to this point, and since I like this point, they become meaningful, and important [to me].

*A note about Your Greatest Power: The first time I read this book I was fortunate enough to read it in a worn and dusty 1st edition (1953?).  It was 1981, I was young and it struck me that could be the most important thing I’d ever read. (I also recognized that I ‘wasn’t there yet’.)  Happenstance put that 1st edition, a different copy, in my hands in a dark moment that became a decision-making point many years later. Like many of the books in my list, there is an implied verb in using the contents of a book as a tool or catalyst for change. Every book in my list could entirely change someone’s life – anyone’s life – but it isn’t the book that makes the change. It is the choices. 😉

**To be fair, Andy Puddicombe, as a source of inspiration, actually belongs just after The Five Elements of Effective Thinking; it was his TED Talk that moved me in the direction of exploring mindfulness with intent and will, and that was just this very year. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Words
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