Archives for posts with tag: sufficiency

On Being Human

February 26, 2020 //

Yesterday was… interesting. Yeah, but… not in that “wow, what a day!” sort of interesting day, filled with unexpected delight. Nope. Just… “interesting”. Human. It started delightfully enough, with shared coffee with my Traveling Partner. A chill, connected, contented, moment together is a wonderful start to a work day. The work itself was busy, and largely satisfying. Definitely within my abilities. The commute – either way – wasn’t particularly bad, but it is there, in those vehicular moments that I began to take note of how interesting this human experience so often is. It was in the peculiar, occasionally wholly inexplicable, decision-making of other drivers on the road… quite a few “wtf?” moments out there on the city streets. (Drive safely – surely someone would like you to arrive at your destination free of injury?)

So…work. Then home. I made dinner. It was good, satisfying, maybe a bit much… still. Dinner, made at home, enjoyed in the company of my Traveling Partner. It was a pleasant evening.

I found myself exceedingly drowsy after dinner, and figured I’d “lay down for a minute” – plenty of time, it was fairly early, and my partner was engaged in a game, and likely would be until a bit later. We had plans to share some favorite content, a couple hours later on, so… a nap? Sure, why not? Probably wouldn’t actually sleep…

…My partner woke me in time for the show we had planned to watch. We watched it. I pretty much just went back to bed after it ended…

Painful stomach cramps woke me. Sometimes the awkward challenges and discomfort of this human form are worse than inconvenient. I got up after sweating a few restless uncomfortable minutes, expecting that tummy trouble might signal being sick. Yeah… symptoms at both ends kept me up awhile longer. Unpleasant. Fairly gross. Very human. I got back too sleep after the worst of it… um… “passed”. (lol) I even slept well. The morning, this morning, feels very routine in most respects… and rather less “interesting”, so far.

Ups. Downs. Twists. Changes. Success. Failure. Progress. Setbacks. Fair weather. Foul weather. Illness. Health. Romance. Heartbreak. So much human experience to cram into a single lifetime, that we routinely express such things as simple dichotomies – opposites on a gradient we generally ignore. Easier that way, isn’t it?

I smile and sip my coffee. It’s a good morning to begin again. 🙂

Tags begin again, breathe, choose wisely, diarrhea, experience, good self-care, had coffee anyway, human experience, illness, interesting, perspective, practicing the practices, sufficiency, taking care of me, this fragile vessel, this too shall pass, vomiting, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, health, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being

Start Slowly, Keep At It

February 23, 2020 //

I am drinking my coffee this morning with that certain feeling of satisfaction and relief that comes from completing a task I wasn’t looking forward to, or may even feel a deeply anchored reluctance towards taking on the task at all. There are quite a few things that fit this category, some pretty ordinary things: vacuuming, filing my taxes, tackling a sink full of dirty dishes, raking or sweeping leaves, weeding the garden… sometimes it’s just pure resistance to the discomforts of manual labor, sometimes it is some sort of strange mental “block” that holds me back. So human. Tasks toward which I feel any sort of resistance or reluctance can prevent me taking on the rest of a to-do list of needful things; hard to get past that one thing I just don’t “feel like” doing. Very human, indeed.

This morning, I’m smiling because I’ve finished off one such task, and entirely overlooked even feeling the weight of any reluctance, at all, during that process. Almost… pleasant. Definitely emotionally neutral, if nothing else. No baggage. I grin to myself, and have another swallow of almost-cold coffee, and considering planning a spring camping trip for myself. I wonder, contentedly, if my Traveling Partner will want to go? I keep my planning sufficiently open to permit it, without any concern or sorrow that he likely won’t go; our outdoor preferences are enough different that we truly don’t enjoy all the same things, done the same way. That doesn’t bother me at all. We need some time apart every bit as much as we enjoy (and need) time together. 🙂 The bigger question is actually… April… or May? LOL

I let my mind wander to my walk, yesterday, instead of indulging my desire to plan an outing…

It was a lovely morning to walk along the riverbank.

Camping, hiking, walking… it’s about that moment of solitude and contentment, a moment of stillness, in the trees, on the seashore, along the riverbank… time spent walking, breathing, and contemplating. Time spent awake, aware, and present in the moment. It is about sufficiency, and perspective.

I woke to rain, today, and I am feeling restless, and eager to put a few more miles on my boots before the weekend ends. I had planned to work in the garden, but it was too early for it when I woke, and too rainy. Later, maybe. The rain dampens my plan to walk along the riverbank, again, too. I’ll still get a walk in… but when? Where?

I think about distant mountains, and waves lapping the shore. I think about Spring approaching.

I think over my short list of things I committed to doing this weekend and take a few minutes to sort it out in my head. It’s not that much to do, really, and mostly very routine sorts of things setting up the new work week that begins tomorrow, plus a creative task that gives me a measure of real joy, and a task I’d like to get done to make the house more comfortable. Putting my walking near the top of my list this morning makes sense; my Traveling Partner is still sleeping, and noisy housekeeping would be unkind.

I smile contentedly. I’ve got a good plan for a pleasant day, and it’s enough. It’s time to finish this coffee and begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, done with that, eFile, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, on to the next one, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, Tax Day, TBI, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking along the Columbia River, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Rough Night

February 21, 2020 //

My dreams chased me through war zones and down dark hallways last night. I’m sipping my coffee grateful to escape The Nightmare City without much else to say about it. Definitely nightmares. Not such a big deal now that I am awake.

…I have a dim recollection of being awake during the night…

…This coffee is good. This moment, right here, is just fine. I sit with my coffee, present in my moment. It’s a better way, than older, other ways. It’s enough.

Bleary-eyed, content, and more or less awake, it’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags anxiety, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sleeping and waking, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Nightmare City, this way to freedom, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Fiction, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Press Pause

February 14, 2020 //

I stepped outside for a break. Sunshine in one direction, rain clouds in the other, and me in the middle enjoying the hint of a fine mist that suggests it may actually rain, before the day ends. I inhale deeply, exhale, relax, and realize I didn’t write this morning… or yesterday. Well… distracted by life? That’s not so bad. In my case, it is an indication, generally, that all is well. (At least that is what it has come to mean, over time.)

I return to my desk, and a long list of things that need to be done, content to do a few more of those before the work week comes to a timely end. I hit play on this playlist… and begin again.

Tags a hustler's work is never through, be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, hello Friday, I am my own cartographer, meditation, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sound and vision, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, then and now, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what happiness feels like, what matters most?, words and music, work hard and play hard

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being

Thinking Thoughts

February 12, 2020 //

It’s a groggy slow-ish sort of morning. The commute was easy. The coffee adequate to the purpose. My thoughts are still fuzzy around the edges and glitchy with sampled dreams from a night of continuous sleep. I listen to the sounds of freeway traffic beyond the window of the office, as I get my day started.

It is too early for deep thoughts, or complex emotions. I still have them. Attempting to “stuff them down” or suppress them is ineffective; I neither manage to entirely put them aside, nor do I satisfy them. I redirect my attention to work tasks, but find myself still distracted by the internal demands for my attention. Interesting. Clearly, there’s something on my mind that wants to be given attention. “Another time.” I tell myself, but I also know how fickle this brain can be; later today I won’t even remember this moment. It’s such a small thing. Finite. Momentary. Fleeting. Unimportant. 🙂 I let it go, again.

I sip my coffee. As of tomorrow, a year at this job. Nice. 🙂 I’m still enjoying it. Even nicer, still. 😀

This is also a moment to recognize that my Traveling Partner and I have been close – intimate friends, lovers, partners – for 10 years, now. It’s just a little mind-blowing to recall where we were as people, ten years ago. Who we hung out with. Where we lived. What our relationships were like. What sorts of things we were up to, day-to-day. Life is quite different, then, and now. A reminder that so much more of life is built on impermanence than ever rested on an unchanging “happily ever after”. 🙂 I’m not unhappy about the changes over time – most of it has been an obvious improvement, with the occasional detour through challenging circumstances that provoked a lot of personal (and shared) growth.

…10 years, though…? That’s quite a chunk of lifetime. I sip my coffee and wonder how often my Traveling Partner questions the desires and decisions that brought us together, and keep us together now? Does he ever wonder what life would be like without the encumbrances of attachment? Does he ever yearn for some place or experience that feels out of reach in the context of our relationship? Does he feel loved and supported in our relationship? Does he ever consider walking away from “all of this” – not out of any hurt or animosity, but simply to feel the path beneath his feet take him somewhere entirely new?

I glare into my coffee mug with some annoyance… cold office-quality drip coffee is less than ideally satisfying. Another sip finishes it. I expect I’ll get another cup, anyway, soon enough. I laugh out loud in the stillness of my office, reminded of cups of coffee that were both much worse for drinking, and far more costly (than “free”)… the moment of gratitude becomes a smile of appreciation. This is definitely one of those “this could be much worse” moments. I yield to the gratitude, and invest my attention there. It’s very nice having coffee available. It’s quite lovely to have enjoyed 10 years with my Traveling Partner – and I hope we enjoy many more, together. It’s a comfortably secure feeling to have a job I enjoy, and to be with it for an entire year and still enjoying it. All of it very much “enough” – it’s a good life. I’m grateful for it – I’ve been in far worse circumstances.

…This coffee cup isn’t going to refill itself. I suppose it’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags 10 years together, alone with my thoughts, bad drip coffee, be here now, begin again, emotional self sufficiency, let it go, let small shit stay small, love and lovers, meditation, mindfulness, morning coffee, one moment, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

On Being Human

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Start Slowly, Keep At It

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Rough Night

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Press Pause

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Thinking Thoughts

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