Life’s a funny journey, isn’t it? Most peculiar. I sip my coffee thinking about the drenching misty rain that fell throughout the commute, almost blinding in spite of the tiny droplets that made almost no sound as they hit the windshield. Nonetheless, the commuter traffic sped through the darkness as if driving on dry pavement in summer sunshine – forward momentum without clear vision, based on a recollection of previous travels and an assumption that the route has not changed. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, and perhaps a lesson – or a warning. I followed the cars ahead of me, leaving ample following distance and hoping for enough room to stop suddenly if that became necessary. It was an uneventful commute. The rain stopped completely when I reached the city, and I was in sufficiently good spirits to laugh when I noticed the change.
It’s another day. Another adventure. Another opportunity to be the woman I most want to be – to be a better person than I was yesterday. Another opportunity to love well and deeply. I think of my Traveling Partner, still sleeping, at home, recovering from his injury. My heart fills with love and I send imagined kisses his way, hoping he is having pleasant dreams, and wakes in less discomfort than he did yesterday.
I sip my coffee in the predawn darkness, thinking of faraway friends, and time off plans that somehow feel rather far away this morning (I ended last week thinking my wee getaway was this upcoming weekend, but it’s the next weekend away, actually). I feel content, calm, centered – it’s a lovely morning, uneventful and peaceful (here).
For a moment, my mind wanders to far away conflicts and the horrors of war, and my mind recoils as if I had touched a sore place or pulled at a scabbed-over wound. I sigh, feeling my anxiety begin to surge, and I take a deep breathe, exhale, relax, and let that go. War is a terrible truth among human primates, and we seem too stupid to stop killing each other over bullshit and profit (at least for now) – but if I take that personally and let the terrible truths of war infect my heart, and my here-and-now moment, I’ll have no peace, myself, and render myself less useful in my life and the lives of those near to me. What a pointless waste that would be. I give myself the opportunity to acknowledge the painful truths – what else can I do? I’ve looked directly into the face of War, and stood upon his battlefields. I will no longer serve that master.
Fuck, healing is hard sometimes; we can’t unknow what we know, can’t unsee what we’ve seen, can’t undo what we’ve done. I breathe. Exhale. Relax. Begin again.
The predawn darkness slowly eases to a soft deep shade of blue gray beyond the windows. The city beyond this wall of glass begins to waken. Condo dwellers turn on lights, and begin making coffee. My inbox begins to fill with new requests and things to follow-up on. It’s an ordinary enough day. I feel comfortable in my body, and my pain isn’t much and does not distract me. My coffee is… okay, not great. Doesn’t much matter, it’s a small detail and of little consequence.
I take these few quiet minutes to pause for gratitude, and to appreciate how good things are, presently. It may not always be so good, and it would be foolish to let the moment slip away unappreciated. Aside from my Traveling Partner’s injury, and necessary recovery, most things are really quite lovely in my life, lately, and it hasn’t always been so. I smile, silently acknowledging that I’m definitely behind on some things, because I just don’t have it in me to do all of everything all the time for everyone – I’m quite human. Doing my best often means something doesn’t get done (looking your way laundry that’s been piled up, clean, waiting to be put away for … weeks). I am mostly okay with it. I am comfortably doing my best and also taking care of myself – and my partner. I feel myself “sit taller” – it feels good to have my own respect, and to recognize that I’m doing what I can, and that this is enough. It’s not perfect (I’m not perfect) but nothing is, and it doesn’t have to be.
Wanting to be the best partner I can be, I shopped around for a quieter keyboard that still meets my own needs… mechanical (for durability) and with a very fast action (because I type quite fast). I found one, and it arrived last night. I’m almost eager to stay home for work again soon, to try it out while my Traveling Partner sleeps… the whole point is to be quiet enough that he can sleep, in spite of my infernal ceaseless typing during the work day. He’s noted many times that my typing is very “emotive”, and conveys my stress to him (if I’m stressed, or agitated, or excited, or angry – it all comes through), which is not pleasant. He’s got his own issues, and doesn’t benefit from being twisted every which way sensing my emotions in another room. The new keyboard is an exciting change (for me)… it’s nearly silent, but still has the feel of a mechanical keyboard. As my fingers hit the keys on this keyboard that I carry with me in my computer bag, I find myself wondering if perhaps I should buy another set of those keys to replace these with? This keyboard is pretty damned “clicky” and I know it annoys colleagues when I get going for awhile. It’s not just my Traveling Partner…
The sky has lightened enough to see the stormy clouds filling the sky. “More rain later”, I think to myself. I sip my coffee – it’s gone cold. I sigh quietly, I know the drill – it’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 