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 What Do You Want?

March 6, 2017 //
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I got stuck on a question yesterday evening. I recalled with some interest how my perspective on the question “what do you want?” had changed after I saw it presented as a philosophical point of difference in Babylon 5, years ago.

"What do you want?" he asks, seeking to gain power over individuals.

“What do you want?” he asks, seeking to gain power over individuals.

I struggled with understanding this question in the context of gaining power over an individual through their desires. I, being quite human, also desire things. I, too, have experienced moments in life when I could be controlled by my desires. (Probably will again.) I still think about the question. I mean, after all… what do I want? Is that even the question to ask?

I eventually found my way to the idea of sufficiency, as a route to mastering my own desires, and my own acquisitive nature, but… there’s that damned question, and sometimes I itch to answer it by way of things I lust after, things I crave, things I yearn for… and find myself wandering down that path of seeking to fulfill material desires at the expense of something more important (to me). Last night I had a moment, quiet and serene and understanding myself a little better (I think) (perhaps) (well, hopefully)… the question needed a bit of a tweak, as it turns out, and is now a better fit for who I am and where I am headed as a human being. Less about “what do I want?” in a material way and more – so much more – about “what do I want of myself?”, which seems to be a question I can answer every day, and find real satisfaction, without chasing material things. This is a question I can make real use of, every day. This is a question that can help me become the woman I most want to be.

Have I been here before? Have I considered these ideas before? Is this a  cognitive re-run? That happens for me, rather routinely, but I soothe my insecurity with the reminder that practices being what they are, a little repetition is likely more helpful than not. 🙂

Then there’s this, on the nature of thinking. A worthy start to another busy work week, and an opportunity to learn. I could say more, but it’s a lot of content for a Monday morning, and I’m still thinking it over. 🙂

Today is a good day to begin again, and a good day to understand more, differently. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well That Took Some Adulting

March 2, 2017 //
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Yesterday as I walked through town on my the commute into the office, I found myself fighting a feeling of urgently wanting to “just keep walking”. I walked through town wondering about neighborhoods I’d never seen. I took a couple sort-of-scenic detours down streets less familiar. I even slowed my pace a bit to more fully enjoy the moment. It was hard to fight off the feeling that I just didn’t want to be forced into a cubicle, a labor-box, in return for money… I wanted to walk on. I wanted to put miles on my feet, and feel the morning breeze in my hair. I wondered how far along the Willamette River I could go, along the paved walk of the Eastbank Esplanade, and where the day would take me if I only simply walked and walked and walked…until…

I pause in the usual place, and gaze across the river to the city that has been so much of my life for so long.

…I pause in the usual place…

…And then I arrived at my usual destination, quite properly grown up and adult, and sat down at my desk with my coffee, and got started doing all of the things. I started the day looking forward to hanging out with my Traveling Partner in the evening; by the end of the day, which was upon me rather abruptly and somewhat unexpectedly, I was tired to the point of regretting making any plans that did not include quiet, meditation, and an early bed time. lol Some adult I am. 😉

...And on the other side of the work day, I return home.

…On the other side of the work day, I return home.

Actually… I did okay on the adulting. I enjoyed my morning walk. I allowed myself my emotions, and the freedom to let my imagination explore other potential choices. I showed up where I was expected to be for a day of planned employment. I worked well and efficiently, and got things done that needed doing. Tired at the end of the day, I reached out to my partner in a comfortably self-aware fashion, and suggested a reschedule – because I needed rest, and a late night would potentially impact days to come. I got home, and took care of me. I think, just maybe, I still struggle a bit with how very different my thoughts on adulthood are as an adult living life, than I expected to from the youthful perspective of someone not yet quite adult. (I had no idea I’d value sleep so fucking much, for one thing. lol) 🙂

Here it is today, again. Time to begin again. Again. I wake. Do some yoga. Meditate. Enjoy a shower. Dress. Sit down with my coffee to write. I’ll ride the train over the hill, then walk through town to the office. I’ll work my shift, and return home. I’ll enjoy a brief evening, in some modest way, and call it a night sufficiently early to get adequate rest and still rise again, well before 5 am. It is an adult life built on my choices, directed by my goals. I’m not imprisoned in my life; I’m building something. It takes time.

I look ahead to the weekend with a smile. Right now, it’s enough.

Tomorrow… I’ll begin again. 🙂

 

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Taking Out the Trash

February 5, 2017 //
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A steady rain falls this morning. I woke a number of times during the night, and it was raining then, too. My dreams were lively, rich in surreal detail, and graphic, but lacking in emotional content. However grim the imagery was, I felt nothing; my brain was just “taking out the trash”, clearing buffers, wiping away bits and pieces left behind that serve no useful long-term purpose. No nightmares, just data processing in moving pictures. It’s important that our consciousness be ready for a new day, it only makes sense that while I sleep, my brain is busy in cycles, resting, getting caught up on things, resting more.

(Note: I am not a sleep scientist, this blog post is not science, my subjective experience has not been rigorously scrutinized and peer-reviewed, following years of replicable research. There are people doing those things and they are very much worth reading! I’m using words, to share my subjective experience, my own thinking, lacking in any hardcore vetting against known science. My writing may serve someone a useful purpose, be helpful, or an entertaining read, but please don’t settle on me as settled science; do your homework. Use your critical thinking skills. Walk your own mile.)

I woke feeling more than usually rested. I woke feeling more rested yesterday, too. Both mornings follow days with much less involvement with my handheld device, my computer, or the internet, generally. I feel less distracted moment-to-moment. I feel less emotionally volatile. I am less easily frustrated. I feel more content. I find myself wondering how many generations of saturating all-day computer use human beings will commit to before becoming actually able to fully multi-task their consciousness, for real? (No, you can’t. There is science on that.) No doubt over time our consciousness will change with the tools we use regularly, we are adaptable. We become what we practice. Epigenetics is real. Our children’s children will have different characteristics than our Great-grandparents did. Some of those differences may indeed be cognitive. More to the point in this moment, though, is that setting aside the complicated dense multi-channel continuous streaming information into my consciousness for a couple of days has had real value on my overall state of being. I feel more relaxed. My rest is more restful. I feel calmer, less anxious, more easily able to “hear myself think”. I think I may have gotten more done, too, using my time more efficiently, and spending no minutes staring into a repeating feed full of copies, memes, and reshares for unmeasured hours of the day.

A favorite trail was flooded. It was necessary to choose another way.

A favorite trail was flooded. It was necessary to choose another way.

The rain continues to fall quite steadily. It rained yesterday, and I enjoyed the short hike I took through the park in spite of it. Time well-spent, in the wind and weather, breathing the fresh air, seeing the trees tossing in the wind, and hearing the water birds on the marsh calling to each other. This morning the rain is falling harder, enough harder that some of the fun of hiking would be washed away in it. So… perhaps not this morning…

Favorite places for a moment of meditation are flooded, too.

Favorite places for a moment of meditation are flooded, too.

I’ll spend the day taking time for being here, now, and enjoying (or enduring) what is real, and live, and in front of me. Tidying up a bit more. Taking out the trash, the recycling, and maintaining order. Those are useful practices, too. I have found that the state of order – or disorder – in my environment reflects the state of order – or disorder – in my internal world, as well. My consciousness seems only ever as ordered as my environment. Keeping my head, minding my emotional wellness, tends to result in more will to keep my home tidied up and very neat. Keeping a tidy orderly household seems to promote and support my cognitive wellness. I don’t know what the science says about all that; my experience confirms it for me, and as “ways” go, it works for me. 🙂

Today is a good day for practicing practices. Today is a good day to enjoy the woman in the mirror. Today is a good day to be open, to be kind, to be aware – and mindful that change is. It may change the world – we have that power. 🙂

 

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

A Day for Me

January 15, 2017 //
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When did you last spend an entire day caring for yourself, body, mind, and soul? The works. Like… a spa day for your whole being? Healthy, while also indulgent. Uninterrupted. Focused, and also relaxed. Purposeful, but not hurried. No pressure – your undivided attention on supporting the person in the mirror. I took a day for me, yesterday. It was strangely not at all as I planned it, but… wow. I needed that time. A day of relaxed self-care that was not also pock-marked with fretting about work in the background. A day of small favorite luxuries without any self-consciousness or doubt. A day of meditation, quiet, calm… and wow was it lovely, and soul-soothing, and magical. Well… not actually “magical”. There were verbs involved, and I did those, for me. 🙂

I had intended to enjoy the day at leisure, and this much I most definitely did do. I made a wee cherry clafoutis for my brunch, a delightful treat. I happily enjoyed more coffee than I generally allow myself, content that a late night could be followed by sleeping in. I queued up a good playlist (that I mostly didn’t listen to), and had my sketching supplies, a book I am reading, and a journal at hand. I ended up spending most of the afternoon and evening quietly meditating – not at all the plan, but as it turned out, precisely what I needed to care for me best.

It was late into the evening when the last coals of the fire in the fireplace dwindled away to nothing, and the room began to take on the night chill from a draft somewhere. That was when I realized I had passed something like 10 hours just chilling. No TV. Music only rarely. Not bothering to pick up my book. Writing a note about this or that now and then. Just relaxing with the woman in the mirror, feeling the feelings, letting the cognitive landscape shift and change, accepting the emotional weather – which changed often, and more rapidly than the icy landscape on the other side of the windows. I watched the birds. They watched me back. I sat warming my feet by the fire, and smiling, feeling content that for the moment, all is well (for me, here, right now). It was lovely. I soaked in it. Bathed in it. Wrapped myself in these all-to-brief sweet moments of calm. Savoring them for later recollections, on more difficult days.

Evening from my meditation cushion.

Evening from my meditation cushion.

I don’t remember going to bed. I know I did; I woke in my bed from a deep sound sleep, feeling well-rested, and well-cared-for. That’s a thing I didn’t understand years ago; our very human feelings of neglect, inattention, shabby treatment, and even having been dealt with cruelly or abusively, can be soothed greatly by how we treat ourselves. It doesn’t stop some other person who treats us badly from being who they are, or make circumstances different than they have been, but it has tended to allow me to heal more, faster, and more completely, and to bounce back from challenges more efficiently. Totally worth taking the time to invest in skilled self-care. I’m no expert (clearly). I’ll keep practicing. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

Tricks and Treats

November 1, 2016 //
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Halloween is over. I did what I do most years. I made sure I had candy on hand to give to roaming bands of tiny costumed raiders, should any appear, and made jokes in the office about coming to work as a “sexy [whatever-my-current-job-is]”, without making any changes in appearance. I giggle about it every year, and every year it is enough for me. I delight in the more involved efforts of others, children and adults both, and that is also enough.

Last night’s treat was the little girl a couple units down, who was the first trick or treater to my door. I’m not stingy about these sorts of things; there is fun in the excesses and wide-eyed moments. I dug deep into the heavy “black cauldron” of sweets at the door (it was actually my black enameled cast-iron dutch oven, adequately cauldron-y for the occasion) and pulled a crazy fistful of all manner of candies from the darkness. Her eyes went wide with surprise, and her little jack-o-lantern was well-filled with the additional goodies. She gave her mom a huge grin, and did the
“excitement dance” of wordless joy, and they headed off into the night. I think she was dressed as a princess… or maybe a butterfly… it was a chilly night, and she was wrapped also in a warm coat. I remember her delighted smile more than any detail of what she wore.

Last night’s trick was simply how tired I was. I crashed early, just as soon as the sound of children’s laughter was no longer reaching my door, after a shower, some yoga, some meditation – it was fairly early. I woke to the alarm clock.

The long commute is not an ideal fit for my long-term needs, and continues to reinforce my commitment to get into a little place truly all my own, either well-suited to my retirement needs, or more temporarily much closer to work. January isn’t that far away, and it is the last month on this lease. I’ve put time into planning next steps, and getting all the paperwork likely to be requested sorted out and gathered up. It’s a time for getting small details worked out, small problems solved, small challenges overcome, and of course, as they develop I add them to my list of things to get done, and each week I do some of them. It’s all very orderly – I like order.

My life in general improve greatly once I understood how very much I do like order, and how critically important it was for me, personally, to balance my desire for order with my inner chaos. I spent far too long chasing “good” characteristics that had value for someone else, but weren’t all that important to me in any direct or personal way. Gnothi seauton, people. Seriously. Do you, no one else will do that as well. Sounds easy, I know, and on the face of it that makes sense; I have all the knowledge necessary to know myself, do I not? Who else would have more? Yeah, I know. It’s rarely so simple, once we’re finished with painting ourselves into metaphysical corners, and wrapping ourselves in the concertina wire of the expectations of others, our feelings of obligation, and our assumptions about the world around us – what do we really know? I smile and sip my coffee. I know myself. I am irrefutably the expert on the woman in the mirror, and fairly comfortable with her, at this point, too. It makes for a firm starting point for most any journey. I’m glad I finally got here. 🙂

Take off your mask – Halloween is over. It’s time to face the person in the mirror, and know yourself. Today is a good day for self-knowledge, and self-awareness. Today is a good day to start that journey; there is more to know. Today is a good day to be mindful that we are each having our own experience, each wearing our own mask, and each walking our own mile. Today is a good day to take off our masks and face the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Fiction, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, solo hiking, The Art of Being, Words
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