Archives for posts with tag: walking my own path

It’s a lovely morning. There are birds singing outside my window, and my coffee hot and tasty. I slept well and deeply through the night, and woke with little distress to the alarm clock, which sounded less strident than usual and more of a friendly reminder that a new day has begun.

This is a flower - and a pause.

This is a flower – and a pause.

I woke angry. No idea why, and it didn’t last; as soon as I woke in emotional distress I took appropriate action, and gave myself a moment to breathe, to stretch, to become more present. My waking emotional state is more often related to my sleeping consciousness, than it is to my waking environment, and taking inventory of ‘now’ assures me that all is well, and I am okay. The anger dissipates quickly – in a sense it wasn’t real in the first place. If I had gone a different direction with it, and invested in the anger, deepening it, justifying it, and feeding it, I would be having a very different day right now. I mention this because it is quite a lovely morning, and I am not angry, frightened, or sad. Yes, there are verbs involved. Positivity and some breathing didn’t handle the whole of it, and I made use of an excellent practice to finish off the anger; curiosity, novelty, and a sense of discovery are awesome tools for emotional intervention or resetting. I took time to explore something I knew little about, and experienced lingering curiosity over. Study time!

Take a moment to consider all the vastness of the unknown...there is so much yet to be known, I can't even describe how much I don't know!

Take a moment to consider all the vastness of the unknown…there is so much yet to be known, I can’t even describe how much I don’t know!

Engaging my intellect, my curiosity, and the parts of my brain and consciousness that learn new things tends to have a very uplifting, and emotionally balancing result for me. Yes, there are choices involved. It remains critically important to choose my experience, and to invest willfully in the things in life that feel good, and on which I thrive. My traveling partner is often an exciting source of new experiences, new ideas, and creative inspiration. That was true this morning, too, and I used a shared moment yesterday that sparked my interest in something exciting for me as an artist, and invested in myself this morning in a positive way, exploring different sorts of artistic support that exist in the world now – that didn’t exist pre-internet. No I’m not listing them, this morning, this is not about that – it’s about the process of engaging my thinking elsewhere to reset my emotional experience quickly. It’s an effective practice. 🙂

I hope you don’t need a practice like this one, today – and I hope you enjoy it, anyway. Learning, I hear, also keeps us young. 🙂

Study is a bit like following a path carefully built by others who have gone on ahead; I still don't know where it may lead, but there is some comfort in knowing I am not alone on the journey.

Study is a bit like following a path carefully built by others who have gone on ahead; I still don’t know where it may lead, but there is some comfort in knowing I am not alone on the journey.

Today is a good day to learn. Today is a good day to embrace new ideas, new thinking, and a sense of discovery. Today is a good day to explore the world.

It’s a Monday morning. This has only whatever significance I choose to give it. Does my choice to face Monday differently (than ‘Oh, damn, not another Monday’, for example) also determine the outcome? Will I most certainly enjoy a lovely calm Monday without any challenges or stress simply by changing my assumptions going into the day? Realistically, there are no guarantees – I might have a terrible Monday however positive I feel going into it.

When I started down this path, I held onto the fairly childlike notion that good choices, and being open to success and positive outcomes would be enough to ensure the successes and positive outcomes would occur. It was incredibly disappointing the first many times I had a straight up no bullshit bad day – I’d chosen so well! I’d been so positive! I’ve learned a lot more since then. I’ve learned that my will is not the only will that is involved in my outcome – and that whatever the outcome, itself, I still have opportunities to enjoy what is enjoyable, to savor things that nurture me, and to learn from what wasn’t so pleasant. Those good choices all still matter – even if the day goes sideways, or ends poorly – because they determine more than merely the outcome. They say something about who I am, and build memory and experience. All of that matters.

Yesterday I had planned to go for a solo hike in a nearby park I’ve never visited. I planned to get there on transit, and it looked pretty easy to do. I checked my route again on Friday. I woke ready to go, yesterday, and was out the door at the time I had intended to be. The day was beautiful. I got downtown to my transfer point, and checked the bus timing; there was just one bus listed as going to the park I had in mind. Right – Sunday. I had checked the bus schedule on a weekday and failed to account for Sundays. No matter, I check my map again and notice the Sunday bus would still get me within a half an hour’s walk of the park itself. Close enough…right? (Can I pause to observe how convenient this technology is? This powerful computer in the palm of my hand can do so much!) A closer look reveals the walking portion of my route is along a detour – with no pedestrian space. Well…that’s a plan changer, right there. I might walk a few feet along a busy road without a sidewalk or pedestrian easement, but doing so for half an hour, early in the morning seems foolish without at least wearing reflective gear of some kind – and I wasn’t prepared.

A change of plans requires a change in perspective.

A change of plans requires a change in perspective.

As little as 3 years ago, I might have been frustrated to the point of being sensitive and easily angered, and disappointment would likely have been a companion for some hours, at least. A year or two ago, I’d have taken a few minutes to let that go, and moved on with my day with acceptance – probably returning home to ‘start over’ somehow. Yesterday was different – and delightfully not at all ‘special’ in this regard – I was barely disappointed enough to register the emotion as being part of my experience, and took time to enjoy quite an exceptional coffee at a favorite cafe, and a well-chosen pastry to complement the coffee (ensuring the low blood sugar didn’t complicate disappointment; it was time for some calories). I didn’t waste time fussing that my plan had fallen apart – the park exists, there are more days in the future (as far as I know), and there is so much that can be done with a lovely Sunday. I sipped my coffee, munched my pastry, and watched people come and go while giving the day some thought, without stress or anxiety.

Taking care of me.

Taking care of me.

Back to the wonder of the technology in my hand…I used it while enjoying my coffee to determine what other area attractions of interest to me might be a good ‘plan B’ for my Sunday adventure. Thank you, Science! Thank you, HTC! Thank you, Android! Thank you, Google! Thank you, DARPA and all the contributing developers of the World Wide Web and the Internet! I don’t say thank you enough, but I do benefit every day from the device you have put in my hands.

I observed on the map that a short walk, followed by a short bus ride, would put me on a trail to the International Rose Test Garden located in Washington Park, and felt the excitement of surprise and delight that goes with discovering ‘a better way’ to get somewhere I really like to go. The Japanese Garden is located nearby, too…and miles and miles of the Wildwood Trail, which I have walked very little of in the years I’ve lived in the area…my Sunday quickly began to take on its new form. I’d take this new route to the Rose Garden, visit the Japanese Garden, too, and enjoy the trails to, from, and between, along the way.

New path, new perspective.

New path, new perspective.

I made good choices, and the outcome was pleasant and worthwhile. I’m not sure how connected our choices are to our outcomes, though – sometimes more than others, it would seem, and I admit to being a bit confused by that sometimes, even now.  Acceptance of change is a big piece of the contentment puzzle, and it surely helps to be flexible and adaptable in the face of change. Perspective has a say in my outcomes, too, providing me an opportunity to build a different understanding of my experience, and perhaps a moment of calm in the face of the turmoil of change or an experience of disappointment. My assumptions, and the way I define the elements of my experience, will also have a say in my perception of the outcome; we are creatures of both emotion and reason, and my will can be applied to my thinking as well as my choices. I think what I am getting at is that I have a new understanding of choice and outcome. There’s a gap between them, filled with opportunities to learn, grow, consider, observe, enjoy, adapt, accept…and that gap is a worthy moment to be present and engaged, and to savor life. Or something. Your results may vary.

Why, yes, I think I will, thanks. :-)

Why, yes, I think I will, thanks. 🙂

Today is a good day to make good choices, and roll with changes. Today is a good day to enjoy the journey. Today is a good day to be my own cartographer; perhaps a good map can change the way I see the world?

My coffee this morning is less appealing than most mornings. I slept poorly, when I slept last night, at all. I woke feeling groggy and stiff, and reaching for the alarm in slow motion. It seemed to beep an infernally long time. I started to fuss at myself about each detail that felt irksome, or disappointing, a choice that holds the potential to derail both the morning and the day, given an opportunity to do so.

I considered basic needs, instead, and the difference between wants and needs – real needs, basic needs. Is a bad cup of coffee actually such a big deal? Is having a really first-rate cup of coffee in the morning a ‘need’? I do enjoy it. It’s a high priority in the morning to have coffee, both for the ritual and routine of it, and for the pleasantness of the warmth of the cup in my hand. Does having that moment rise to the level of a ‘basic need’? Hardly. Does it, however, ‘meet needs’? Sure. Does my rather average, almost actually bad cup of coffee this morning meet my needs? It does.

If the need being gratified by my cup of coffee in the morning can be so easily gratified even by a bad cup of coffee, and if having a cup of coffee is not, itself, a ‘need’…what is the underlying need met by my cup of coffee in the morning?

The flowers may be lovely, but life's needs must be met before they blossom.

The flowers may be lovely, but life’s needs must be met before they blossom.

What is a ‘basic need’? Without checking references at all, I define ‘basic need’ myself as those needs that, left unmet, result in poor emotional or physical health, perhaps worsening until death may be an outcome. I mean…that’s the definition I tend to force myself to accept in difficult times, when a lot of other needs are unmet; it helps me get by until better times to tell myself I ‘have everything I really need to survive’. Is this extremely short list (food, water, sleep) really all there is to ‘basic needs’? I don’t really think so, myself, because those survival basics don’t do more than offer the most basic opportunity to wake up again to try another day. If I want to thrive, rather than simply survive, my list of ‘basic needs’ expands a bit to include things like shelter, appropriate clothing, sex, acknowledgment and internet connectivity (hey, it’s my list! lol). It gets complicated [for me] to understand, for example, that while I genuinely do see sex as a ‘basic need’ as an adult…my need doesn’t impose a demand on anyone else. That may be true of all needs, actually. My own individual needs do not constitute a demand or obligation on any one other human being, unless we share a specific contract – like the one human beings share with each other in marriage, or that we share as a society with our government. An interesting thought on a Friday that quickly takes me to the question ‘What do I feel obligated to do for my fellow human beings to ensure their basic needs are met, and what more can I do to build a world where we all see mere survival as an unacceptable minimum standard of life for humanity?”

Subjectively, I need this cup of coffee in the morning… It’s clearly not a ‘basic need’ in any sense. (I’m no expert, these are simply my own musings about needs, and your results – and opinion – may vary.) I go to great lengths to ensure I have it, however, and the feeling of having it satisfies in the way feeling a basic need met also satisfies. What’s up with that? I’m back to ‘what is the underlying need being met?’

We are connected, related, interdependent, and reliant upon each other for survival. How do I balance my needs, and wants, versus those of the world?

We are connected, related, interdependent, and reliant upon each other for survival. How do I balance my needs, and wants, versus those of the world?

Do you know what you really need in life? Are the most ‘important’ needs in life truly the basic survival needs? Once we’ve got survival going on…what then? What do I really need as a human primate, a creature of both emotion and reason, to thrive – to be the best of who I am, to become the woman I most want to be, to enjoy the many facets of living in a way that really satisfies?

What do I need to thrive?

What do I need to thrive?

Today is a good day for questions. Life’s curriculum doesn’t take a day off – and the quiz is always an ‘open book test’. Today is a good day to ask ‘what do I need from my life’? Today is a good day to find joy in whatever answers – or experiences – there may be.

This morning I woke comfortably, easily, and moved through the beginning of my morning quite gently and with contentment. I feel wrapped in pleasantness, and generally in good spirits. It’s a nice start to a busy Tuesday ahead.

I don’t spend time, today, dissecting pleasant experiences – rarely do I immerse myself in the autopsy of a negative experience, either, these days. I have found that ruminating over what didn’t work…doesn’t work. Well, doesn’t work for me. Your results may vary. Similarly, questioning good experiences, however well-intended, can so easily stray into criticizing them, or denying myself the moment of joy. That’s beyond counter-productive, it’s actually mean. I don’t do mean. (When I say “I don’t do mean” I am not intending to communicate that it is beyond my nature, rather I am firmly setting a boundary with myself that this is not behavior I favor, and I refrain from it willfully, because I do not value the qualities of ‘mean’.) There are so many times it feels as if the world is lining up to knock me down or treat me badly – why would I contribute to that? It feels very good to treat myself well, to be considerate of my own experience, and to savor lovely moments.

Where does inspiration come from? Why does it feel like being in love?

Where does inspiration come from? Why does it feel like being in love?

This morning I am simply enjoying a quiet moment, feeling incredibly inspired and wanting very much to paint. For now, there is room in the loft to do so, and I may take the weekend and invest it my inspiration and take care of me on a level that I lack words for. I have, at this point, some dozen or more pieces sketched out in my head, two dozen or so sketched out in my sketch book, and a small handful of prepared canvases to work with…and  lot of drive to see color on canvas, and enjoy the physical experience of painting. My playlist is ready. All of it may have to wait for me to move into my studio… I’m okay with that, too. Perspective. Sufficiency. Contentment.

Tree of Knowledge, Tree of Life, and a living metaphor for inspiration.

Tree of Knowledge, Tree of Life, and a living metaphor for inspiration.

I am enjoying feeling wrapped in the singular sensation of self, of autonomy, of integrity, and of ‘wholeness’ that I experience when I paint – and when I am inspired to do so, and contemplating work not yet started. The heart of my being, the kernel of love at the center of the chaos and damage, is this creative drive, this experience of wonder and unlimited, unfathomable… yeah. I run out of words and run to canvas. That’s sort of how it works for me. 🙂 It’s a bit of my experience over which no partner, no family member, no boss, no authority figure, no elected official, no clergyman, no doctor, no lover, and no friend has held power over – and this morning, I am enjoying a moment of contentment as I consider that. I find myself wondering if we each have some core something-or-other that is the ‘who I am’ piece of self that can’t be controlled by someone else. I find myself thinking of Viktor Frankl, and feeling that ‘oh! I think I get it…’ feeling that always feels so satisfying in the moment. Maybe it’s madness.

Maybe it’s just a lovely morning, thinking about paintings I’d like to paint, creative projects I’d enjoy undertaking to fine-tune a beautiful life, and the delights of being able to enjoy being me? That’s certainly enough.

Today is a good day to take the time to enjoy my experience of myself. Today is a good day to take myself very seriously – and not seriously at all – and both in the kindest possible way. Today is a good day to love.

I slept badly last night. My sleep was interrupted, restless, and featured bad dreams on old themes with new characters. I felt over-heated much of the night, which I noticed most often immediately before taking some action that subsequently found me feeling too cold. It was an uncomfortable sort of night. I could spend many hours and words looking for ‘why’; I don’t find that doing so is helpful, nor does it result in fewer such nights. I let it go and move on, feeling generally in good spirits this morning in spite of the difficult night.

I didn’t let the lack of good sleep frustrate me. It got me thinking, this morning, about frustration in general. Frustration is my kryptonite, emotionally. Something about my messed up wiring, and broken bits, allows even small moments of frustration to become a very big, very ugly, emotional mess in a small amount of time. Lately, I’ve been finding my way to using some common moments of frustration as simple practices for dealing more appropriately and comfortably with frustration itself. The value in these small practices has been almost immediate, but the value in any practice is the practicing, itself, and I still need quite a lot of it before I even approach a place in life where I may be able to say “I handle frustration well”. That’s the goal, though, ultimately.

The journey is not all blue skies and meadows...but there are some blue skies and meadows to enjoy along the way.

The journey is not all blue skies and meadows…but there are some blue skies and meadows to enjoy along the way.

It is no easy feat for me to choose to make use of some unpleasant moment or circumstance to willfully practice some better practice than my reactive impulse in the moment might direct me towards without any practice at all. Frustration is a free will killer. Frustration dissolves emotional resilience and mindfulness almost instantly, for me. Frustration is an emotion to which I reliably still react, rather than responding with mindfulness, will, consideration and good self-care.  Practicing useful practices has resulted in so many day-to-day improvements in my experience that it has been a source of some frustration that I hadn’t yet built a practice specific to mastering how I manage frustration, itself. Finding one or two in my everyday experience – built around the most common sources of frustration in my own life (like logging into apps using complicated passwords that easily fail, or the occasional odd screen-freeze on my device) – is allowing me to practice better behaviors in response to frustrating moments. The hope is that doing so with small things, harmless things, common things will insulate me from major freak outs and emotional disasters when bigger things frustrate me; practice may not make ‘perfect’, but it sure tends to solidify habits, and change specific reactions.

Taking time to appreciate pleasant moments gives them lasting impact on my day-to-day experience.

Taking time to appreciate pleasant moments gives them lasting impact on my day-to-day experience.

Celebrating progress, even small wins, has big value. Even something as small on the victory scale as a change in thinking, or a good idea, is worth a moment of my appreciation. This morning, I’m taking time to appreciate new practices that address a very old issue, for me, and feeling positive and supported. This, too, is a practice; the practice of celebrating small victories, and incremental progress over time, is a practice that builds more positive implicit memory, as well as providing myself with emotional support from within – which builds emotional self-sufficiency, and keeps me on the path of reaching that place where my close relationships with others are reliably chosen based on desire, and built on positive emotional values, rather than investing in habitual, self-defeating, or co-dependent behaviors, that over time become damaging.

Where does my path take me? How do I look beyond patterns to find change?

Where does my path take me? How do I look beyond patterns to find change?

 

Meeting most of my emotional needs, myself, isn’t an unreasonable goal, and getting there lifts the burden from loved ones to ‘make me happy’ – or ‘make me’ anything at all. I get to ‘make me’ in my own image. Powerful. I am eager to take that project to a new level by moving into creative live/work space and investing more of my time in me. The wait involved in ideal readiness – and an available unit – is another practice in managing frustration on a larger scale; my impatience lurks in the background, waiting for a moment to jump out and undermine my good time now. Mindfulness practices are one way to keep my Observer firmly in the driver’s seat for much of the journey. Another beneficial practice is to embrace the joy I find in planning the move; making a point of being very realistic, practical, and frugal builds useful skills for good self-care, and I feel engaged in imminent change in a positive way.  I’m still very much a beginner, practicing practices. I am still at risk of attacking myself, my will, my resolve, and my intention, from within on any point of vulnerability my demons can grab onto; it makes for some uncomfortable nights, but I am content to show myself some compassion, some acceptance, and some love, and move on from the difficult moments to continue the practicing of good practices. 🙂

It's worth it to take a look at my experience from another perspective...

It’s worth it to take a look at my experience from another perspective…

Today is a good day to practice good practices. Today is a good day to enjoy now, and celebrate small successes that matter to me, most. Today is a good day to enjoy each moment with a smile. Today is a good day to enjoy building my world.