Archives for the month of: March, 2023

I suppose I could have (more appropriately?) written about Spring and the rites and rituals of Spring observances, and the Equinox, and all of that on the very day… would have been Monday.

The Vernal Equinox as seen at Siletz Bay, Oregon, 2023

I didn’t do that. I did make it to the coast early enough in the day to get some decent photographs, rest, meditate, and watch the tide come and go. It was high tide when I arrived, at midday. My room wasn’t yet ready, but soon would be, so I enjoyed a short walk along the tide-narrowed beach, and made a quick trip to the grocery store for easy-to-prepare “real food” items.

Why grocery shop? So practical. It was simply that I did not go with the intention of dining out for every meal; that gets expensive pretty quickly, and I went on this coastal getaway planning to also do a bit of a “reset” with regard to foods and meals and my relationship with with those practices. I had in mind “healthy calories”, portion control, and necessary fuel vs consumption-beyond-satiation. I wanted to be easily able to grab a quick meal in my hotel room without needing to cook or do a ton of preparation, and without having to fall back on heavily processed foods – and still eat well. Salads were a big win for my intention. Hard-boiled eggs. Roasted (unsalted) nuts. Blueberries. Goat cheese. All of which could become part of a salad, or eaten by measure on their own. The most expensive ingredient? No surprise; the salad dressing. I shopped with great care for a dressing that was very basic, made from healthy ingredients I’d actually want to ingest, no HFC – no sugar at all if I could find one without it – I was looking for a basic vinaigrette that didn’t have sugar or preservatives in it. Simple. Well… not ideally simple; I had to check 3 different locations in the grocery store before I found what I was looking for hidden away in the “keto” section. Still… it made the 3 days of solitude less costly, and also less… “people-y”, since I did not have to go out for a meal unless I actually chose to. This also forced me to think about meals very differently, in general; if I went out, why, and where would I go to eat something truly worth going out for?

There isn’t much to share about the trip to the coast; I spent most of it in my own head, whether I was in the room, or down on the beach walking and taking pictures. It was time well-spent, and I got a lot of much-needed rest.

The tide was quite low when I departed from the coast, eagerly heading home. The rain was falling steadily by then, and my final walk on the beach was a short one. 3 days away. I had watched the tide come and go several times. I had listened to the rain fall over hours and days, intermittently.

Siletz Bay at low tide.

It’s lovely to return home to home & hearth, and my Traveling Partner. I do miss him when I’m away – and it seems we both benefit from having that opportunity to miss each other now and then. I know I need the solo time once in awhile, for me, it just surprises me how much that also seems to support good love and our relationship with each other. I reliably come home happy to be home and eager to be in my partner’s embrace once more.

So… Spring, eh? It’s not what I expected. lol I returned home thinking “spring”, but found that winter hasn’t yet truly departed. lol Yesterday, a quick trip to the store turned snowy.

Spring Snow in Newberg

With Easter on the way, the stores are loaded up with colorful sweets of the bunny and egg variety. Gets weirder every year. This year, I spotted “Hot Tamales” peeps. I don’t know why those need to exist, but there they were. 0_o

Peeps

Returning home also let me return to projects in progress, like learning to make “shower steamers” (I’m definitely not done learning all I can to do the thing really well). I smile when I think about the progress (and steamers) I’ve made…

Assorted fragrances: cucumber-melon, lavender, chocolate-orange, autumn walk, and violet forest. 😀

I sit here now, in my comfortable studio, surrounded by the trappings of a life well-lived, and I am content with life as it is. Funny place to be, for me. No yearning. No restlessness. No dissatisfaction. No particular frustration or feeling of being “held back” by circumstances. Just me, this room, the sound of rain falling, and the quiet sounds of the household around me and my partner in another room – and every detail is quite lovely exactly as it is. I smile and sip my coffee. It could all go sideways unexpectedly at any moment… but… it could also simply persist for some unmeasured time. It’s nice when that’s the case. I roll with it when it isn’t; non-permanence being what it is in life, it mostly doesn’t matter whether the next minute to unfold comes with joys or hardships – it’ll pass. The moment that follows may be quite different. That one will also pass. Life continues. I make choices. I practice being the woman I most want to be. Progress is sometimes (often) slow – but there is progress. It’s enough.

…”Move along”, “nothing to see here”… it’s time to begin again. 😉

I’m packed. It’s time to head home. It’s been meaningful time, well-spent on self-reflection, meditation, and watching the tides come and go. It was a lovely way to celebrate the arrival of Spring. I enjoyed some eye-opening moments, and end these days feeling that progress has been made…

…Now, how do I hold on to that progress?

Here’s the simple truth of it; we become what we practice. No matter how frequent or profound the epiphanies may be, if I don’t put what I’ve learned or observed into actual practice (thus, reinforcing what has been learned), it doesn’t change a fucking thing. So. There’s that. My results will vary. There are verbs involved. I’ll need to keep practicing. 🙂 Those are the basics of making a change.

I’ll say more about specifics over the next few days – I’m on vacation all week. This first piece was time spent with the woman in the mirror. Self-care. The next few days will be in the company of my partner, living my practices, and continuing to enjoy some down time. It’s a lovely plan.

I look around this room again. Have I forgotten anything? Seems not. I know me; I will check every cabinet, cupboard, and drawer once more before I go. lol (Just being thorough.)

Restless night. The occupant of the room next to mine left their bathroom fan running literally all night, until they had a massive loud argument around 0500. I was not ready to get up for the day, and so did not, but I had my hand on the phone to call 911, since the noises from the room next door suggested it may be necessary. Things went very quiet after a single door-slam, one occupant leaving the room to the other. The rain started to fall during the night. I got a pleasant walk in, during a break in the rain, when I got up shortly before 0700.

The restless night did not diminish my feeling of being rested or “topped off” – that previously emptied glass is refilled, and I sip my coffee, contentedly, smiling. Packing completed, it’s time to load up the car, check out, and head home. 😀 Time to begin again. 😀

Appearances are funny things, aren’t they? I’m sipping my morning coffee late into the morning, because, honestly, why not? I am “on vacation”, taking some solo time on the coast to meditate, reflect, read, write, and walk. I’ve gotten some good pictures.

I am, in this moment right here, watching the tide turn from the low a short while ago, reversing direction, and now flowing back, with high tide expected at 13:48 this afternoon. Low tide reveals the mud flats of Siletz Bay, enjoyed by the many sea birds that inhabit the area. The birds traverse the mud flats in flocks and individually, seeking tasty morsels in the mud. People watching the birds (and the tides) walk the adjacent beach (and in some cases, right on across the mud flats, too), sometimes alone, sometimes with children or dogs.

Siletz Bay at low tide.

Funny that the water of the nearby branch of Drift Creek seems to flow backwards as the tide turns. Instead of subtle waves that demonstrate the direction that the creek flows into the bay, then on to the ocean just beyond (visible from my balcony), now the waves suggest that the water is flowing upstream… and… I guess it is, at least in the sense that the tide has turned and is now returning the waters to the bay that flowed outward only a few hours ago. My eyes deceive me just a bit; intellectually, I am confident that the creek continues to flow into the bay, and on to the sea, I just can’t see that it is happening, due to tricks of the light on the surface of the water showing me only the most surface movement, which is definitely the tide coming in.

What is “the truth of it”? Well, the bay is refilling as the tide comes in. That’s true. The creek continues to flow from it’s source into the sea. Also true. The tide comes in, the tide goes out, in a very regular predictable way – another truth. I value these small points of certainty in a very uncertain world. Ducks, geese, gulls, herons, and cranes enjoy the shallow waters. I enjoy them as they do. It feels rather as if even the joy itself …flows.

It’s been a lovely couple of quiet days here alone at the beach. This funny somewhat run-down hotel I favor here gives me the room for solitude that I need. They’re very accommodating and appreciative any time I come for a stay. This room is my “new favorite”… Room 310. It’s long past its glory. The upholstery is faded, worn, and dingy – threadbare in places, and of a tired sort of green that doesn’t hide dirt well. The carpet is also worn. The wood furniture is chipped, dinged, and shows signs of age and mistreatment over many years of guests. The walls have been repaired in places, and there are places on the ceiling that hint at past flooding from above. It’s a funny room with a wedge-shaped layout that is a bit more spacious than most rooms here. The small bathroom reflected the care taken by the staff; so clean it almost seems to belong in some other hotel, newer, more modern, perhaps. I feel lucky that the mini-fridge is not noisy (they usually are). This room also has “more view”, with one big window facing the bay, and then the balcony facing the ocean. Lovely. The views are spectacular and have occupied my attention thoroughly.

My days are filled with walking the beach here at the foot of the hotel, and sitting on the balcony, or at the table by the window, meditating, and bird-watching. My head is filled with my own thoughts – and the quiet of wind and waves, and the calls of gulls filling the silence. Pleasant. I could come here often and never get bored. I don’t need much more out of this experience than I am getting; it’s the solitude that I was seeking, and I definitely found it here.

I could have written more. Didn’t. I’ve been content to spend the days in quiet reflection, absorbed in my own thoughts, on my own time. It’s been enough. More than enough; it’s what I needed.

I watch the water continue to slowly fill the bay as the tide comes in. The pattern of sand, mud, water, and waves changes with each tide. It’s interesting to watch, and to note the variations. I find myself wondering, if I sat here by this window watching long enough, would I see the pattern repeat at some point? Are the variations finite? As the bay fills, I see seals in the deeper areas, playfully enjoying a swim. There’s a sandy bar on which they gather to rest and soak up the sun, across the inlet to the bay from the beach where local fishers like to go. The seals and gulls compete with the fishers for the various fish and crabs that are so desirable. It’s a popular spot. Early in the mornings, I walk down the beach in the direction of the inlet, and the ocean, listening to the waves roll in. In the afternoons, I take the same (or similar) walk. It’s convenient to the hotel, and the variety that comes of weather and the passage of time is enough to entertain me endlessly. I’m certainly a long way from being at all concerned about “boredom”. lol

The ocean, visible just beyond the inlet to the bay.

…Tomorrow I return home…

…For now, there’s still today.

I am drinking a glass of water between housekeeping tasks. I already know I won’t easily relax on my planned coastal getaway if I leave the house looking untidy, or if I just don’t do all the things I knew I could have done to make my absence easier on my Traveling Partner. He made a point of gently reminding me that I “don’t have to go, if you don’t want to…”, immediately followed by his reluctant awareness that I’m genuinely looking forward to this. I definitely need the break… from everything. People. Work. Chores. Routines. Agendas that are not my own. Errands. Did I mention “people”? Yeah… I for sure need a real break from being surrounded by other consciousness, and some real quiet time to listen to my own thoughts for a little while.

…I’m ready…

The chores didn’t take long. I’ll run to the store a little later and pick up a couple things for my partner (I check the list; ice cream, hamburger buns. Yeah. Ice cream and hamburger buns. lol) and enjoy the moment of awareness that the pantry is actually pretty well stocked, nothing to be concerned about. It’s a tiny reduction in background stress, and added up with other similarly relieving details, I keep feeling my stress level decline as my departure time (tomorrow) approaches. Feels good.

I breathe. Exhale. Relax. I contemplate the upcoming days away. My intention is a “silent retreat” aside from the minimal civil interactions required between myself and hotel staff, and wait staff at restaurants. It’s likely that other than check-in/out, and meals, I won’t exchange words with another person for 3 days. Damn that sounds good. 😀 I’m also looking forward to a “digital detox”. Minimal time logged in or connected – hell, I’m even on the fence about whether or not I’ll do any writing. Probably will, but I’m for sure staying off my phone, the internet, games and apps, aside from that bit of morning writing, I think.

I think about how much my partner will likely miss me while I’m gone (I’m only an hour away, and it’s only 3 days). Maybe I should invite him to a Zoom call or something and enjoy a few minutes remotely on Tuesday…? I know I can. He’s likely to be busy with work, while he misses me, but everyone needs a break now and then, right? I think about it until my thoughts move on.

No fancy vacation agenda. No event planning. Just a woman and a camera, and a couple days on the chilly Spring beach celebrating the changing of seasons. Should be everything I need to rest and reset and return to life’s busy routine recharged and ready to start a bunch of new projects for Spring. I’m looking forward to it.

It’s definitely time to begin again. 😀

It’s an okay morning. Saturday. Good cup of coffee. Had a pleasant frosty-morning walk through bare wintry vineyards as the sun rose, this morning. Returned home once my Traveling Partner pinged me that he was awake and starting his day. Could be that was a mistake (in timing)… I rushed home rather eagerly, to enjoy the day with my partner, and I may have been working from expectations and assumptions that were a poor fit to the reality of the morning.

I got home and he was just making his first cup of coffee, immersed in the emotional experience of being angry about the condition in which parts had arrived, and the likelihood that the parts he had ordered are not in any way actually usable for the order he is working on. His anger over the situation seems reasonable. He shares his feelings. He shows me the parts. His anger is evident, and he is actively working through it. (The way out is through…and…we become what we practice. Hold that thought.)

…I have difficulties with anger, particularly the expressed anger of male human beings with whom I am in a relationship (it feels uniquely terrifying and threatening even when only expressed verbally), and it makes it sometimes very difficult to endure the experience of being in proximity to that visceral emotional experience in the moment… It could be that this alone makes me potentially unsuitable for long-term partnership. I find myself thinking about that today. Today, my partner explicitly challenged my overall value as his partner due to my “lack of ability to be emotionally supportive”.

My sense of things is that I listened with consideration, compassion, and care for some length of time while he vented his feelings (my watch suggests about 40 minutes, but I don’t think that matters as much as that he didn’t feel supported). Maybe I don’t really understand what my partner needs from me when he’s angry about something? Listening doesn’t seem to be it. Even listening deeply and offering support, or asking how I can be helpful (if I can at all), doesn’t seem to meet the need. Commiserating with his position doesn’t seem to meet the need, and often seems to prolong the intensity of the emotional storm. Attempting to “be helpful” or offer any “troubleshooting” perspective is usually unwelcome (and most of the time I don’t have the specific expertise to offer that in the first place). It’s often been my experience that eventually, however supportive I am seeking to be, one common outcome is that at some point, the anger that is “not about me”… becomes about me. Terrifying, even in a relationship where there has never been any violence. The anger feels threatening. This is a byproduct of violence-related trauma in prior relationships. Decades later, I’m still struggling with this. It seems unfair to my current (or future) partner(s).

When a person with PTSD embarks on making a relationship with another human being who also has PTSD (or similar concerns), there are some additional complications that sometimes make living well and harmoniously together more than a little difficult to do successfully – and it’s less than ideally easy, no matter how much we may love each other. Sometimes love is not enough. Maybe that seems obvious? It probably should be obvious. I sit with that thought for a few minutes, uncertain what it is really telling me. Maybe nothing new. I mean… I know, right? It’s hard sometimes. (“This too will pass.”)

…Resilience is a measure of our ability to “bounce back” from stress…

Using meditation and mindfulness practices is one means of building improved resilience. Resilience lets me “bounce back” from stress more easily, and allows for greater “ease” in dealing with stress in the moment. Resilience supports improved intimacy. Resilience along with non-attachment is a good means of learning not to take things personally. Resilience makes some practices produce better results – “listening deeply” can be incredibly difficult and emotionally draining without resilience, for example. Resilience is like a glass of water, though; once the glass is emptied, no amounting of drinking from it will result in slaking thirst. I’ve got to refill the glass. (It’s a wise practice to keep it “topped off”, too; that’s where self-care comes in.)

G’damn, I really need some time away to invest in my own wellness and resilience. Quiet time taking care of the woman in the mirror for a few days, without any other agenda or competing workload. My resilience is depleted. Even “doing my best” is not enough right now – I feel comfortable acknowledging that. Can’t efficiently move forward from one place to another if I don’t recognize where I am right now – and start there. In this particular instance, it is less about physical fatigue than emotional and cognitive fatigue. I’m “brain tired”. I’ve been lax about my meditation practice, and it’s clear how much that does matter. I’ve taken on too much, and can’t seem to dig out in order to get to the practices and experiences that support my wellness; I’m scrambling just to get “all the other shit” done, that seems to have been given a higher priority than my emotional wellness or mental health. I can’t blame anyone else; it’s called “self-care” for a reason. I’ve been giving 100% of what I have to offer to work, to the household, to my partner, and not leaving much “left over” to take care of myself.

I find myself wondering if I would do well to leave for the coast a day earlier. It would probably be good for me. Probably not good for my partner who has been missing me, and potentially feeling un-cared for and lacking an adequate portion of my undivided attention and emotional support. I’ve only got the same 24 hours in a day that everyone else has – and figuring out how to parcel that out is sometimes difficult. I could do better. Seems like everyone needs a piece of me… and the only person who seems ready to yield what they feel is their “due” is… me. Fuck. That’s how I get into this quagmire of cognitive fatigue and emotional fragility in the first place, though. Taking care of myself really needs to be a non-negotiable – at work, at home, and in life, generally. I could do better.

…When I take better care of myself, not only is there “more in my glass” to share with others, the glass even gets bigger and holds still more… and I know this

We become what we practice. When I practice calm, I become calmer. When I practice good self-care, I become cared-for, resilient, and confident in my worth. When I practice deep listening, I become a better listener more able to “be there” for others. Understanding this is important. It is true of unpleasant emotions, too. If I “practice” losing my shit in a time of stress, I become more prone to being volatile. If I “practice” anger by way of confrontation, venting, or tantrums, I become an angrier person less able to manage that intense emotion appropriately. True for all of us; we become what we practice. How do I become the woman – the person – I most want to be? Sounds like I need to practice being her …and when I fall short? I need to begin again.

I finish my coffee. Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Begin planning the packing and tasks needed to prepare for my trip to the coast. I remind myself to take time to meditate, to check my blood pressure, to stay on time with my medications. It’s a lot to keep track of some days, but the pay off is worth it; I feel better, enjoy my life more, and I am more able to be there for my partner when he needs me. I’ve just got to do the verbs.

Time to begin again. Again. It’s slow going, sometimes, but I do become what I practice.