Archives for the month of: December, 2023

Life still happens without much regard to the planning of human beings living their limited mortal lifetimes. Like it or don’t. Plan or don’t. Circumstances will be what they are, independent of our attempts to corral them within the confines of a good plan. I say this as a woman who definitely appreciates a plan.

Before dawn at the start of a planned walk. It’s raining.

I woke early with a plan: get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps, return home and complete a productive work day, hit the road headed for a couple days solo on the coast in the afternoon. Good plan and I woke excited about the day(s) ahead.

… It’s still too dark to start my walk, but it’s pretty clear that I’m likely to be still waiting for a break in the rain (and not going to get one) when daybreak comes. The rain falls steadily.

I check road conditions between here and my planned coastal destination… there is more rain and possible flooding in the forecast. For now, conditions are “fine”, although rainy, between here and there. Flooding is reported, but much further north and much further south. At least, from this early morning vantage point, I’m still on track to head to the coast to get some storm watching in, and maybe a walk on the beach…? Maybe. I intend to bring work with me, too. This is not a vacation so much as a few days of pleasant solo time while my partner works on complicated projects that benefit from focused time uninterrupted by my constant chatter, and without anyone’s feelings being hurt by lack of attention. Still, the whole thing now hinges on the weather; I can hardly drive to the coast if the roads are flooded. So, I keep an eye on the weather and the traffic cams along the route. Waiting. Wondering. Trying not to cling too tightly to my plan. Letting go of assumptions and expectations.

I sigh softly and listen to the rain fall. The sky slowly begins to lighten.

I’m already packed for my wee getaway. I contemplate other potential destinations that might meet the need in a similarly pleasant way. It’s “off season” most places in this area, but I’d be looking for quiet, which shortens the list quite quickly. The last minute planning and execution also shortens the list; it may not be the peak season for travelers and tourists, but a lot of places are full nonetheless.

The rain continues to fall, tapping on the car as if to say “excuse me, you do realize it’s raining?”. lol Yes, yes I do. Rain or no rain, plan or no plan, the day will be what it is. Soon it will be time to begin again.

I am sipping my coffee and reflecting on the day. It’s my Traveling Partner’s birthday. We’ve managed to celebrate 13 of these together, now. Hilariously, it’s been more likely that we’ll be together for this day than any other one holiday on our shared calendar. Over the years, we’ve missed a Thanksgiving or Giftmas or two, and a couple of my birthdays, and quite a few Equinoxes and Solstices… but generally, we’ve managed to be together for his birthday. I’m glad. This is a hell of a partnership, and he’s a pretty great partner (and person), generally – worth celebrating.

“Communion” 24″ x 36″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic and glow. 2011

I’m listening to love songs (that are meaningful to me – or us – in the context of “us”). A younger version of me wouldn’t have found this at all comfortable. There was a time when my cynicism was so profound, and my disappointment in humanity ran so deep, that I just didn’t “understand” love – or believe it even existed in any real way. Certainly not the fairy-tale forever-romance version of love that infuses every “bodice buster” romance novel or Hollywood rom-com. I’m not sure I think that sort of thing is at all commonplace, even now, and if a person is so fortunate as to find such love, nurturing it and maintaining it over time is a whole other monstrous challenge. We’re human creatures. We reason poorly. We lead with our emotions without understanding our emotions. We bumble through our lives chained by our bullshit and baggage, and holding ourselves back with flawed assumptions and unstated (and unreasonable) expectations. Messy.

Sharing the love, and sharing the building. Destruction is far less joyful.

I’m in a different place with Love these days. I’m a believer. It’s funny how it hit me, too. We were commuting together pretty regularly, and one day, after we got off the light rail together to change to our (different) buses, we exchanged a hug. I had a Lady Gaga song stuck in my head for hours after that hug. LOL I will probably always remember that moment as the moment I fell for my Traveling Partner. Hard.

So much of life is about love and loving.

It’s been a wild ride this thing called love. Sometimes poignant. Sometimes sexy (mmm-hmm… 😀 ) So, I sip my coffee and think about love. We’re happy together, generally. We have our trying times and vexing moments… doesn’t matter, really, the love matters more. We work it out. We’re reliably “there for each other”, supporting each other’s dreams and goals. Having fun with it. Growing together.

So many everyday things in my life were made for me by my Traveling Partner.

I sip my coffee as the love songs play on. So many memories, together. This day? It’s celebrating him. Like I said, worth celebrating. 😀 I already miss him, and it’s only been two hours since I left the house this morning. LOL It’s autumn, but I’ve got summertime in my heart – flowers, sunshine, and a deep and abiding love.

I’d say more about my Traveling Partner as an individual, but his privacy matters. He’s strong, capable, funny… he’s one human being that I’ve fallen for heart and soul, and I can’t even say “why” – I only know it feels right. It’s not always easy (for either of us; I’m a mess!) My greatest regrets in a long life well-lived? Hurtful words or thoughtless actions by which I’ve wounded my Dearheart, more than most anything else. What a rare and beautiful love. What a cherished partnership. 😀 I’m eager to end the work day and head home to spend time with him. ❤

(If you read this over your coffee, Love, I hope it makes you smile. Happy birthday, and I love you. I’ll see you in a couple hours.)

Another morning, up early for a walk, but instead I am enjoying a quiet moment of solitude, listening to the rain spattering the car (not mocking my intention so much as just the world doing its own thing). I sit for a long while just enjoying the sound of it.

I feel safe and at peace. The morning is quiet, if rainy, and pleasantly relaxed. I listen to the rain and watch the sky slowly take on color, and the horizon begins to reveal details as day breaks. The rain drums aggressively on the roof of the car like an agitated, nervous child. I’m warm and dry, dressed for a rainy day walk, if there is a suitable break in the rain (I don’t mind a drizzle and enjoy a misty rain, but this is more a drenching shower of a rainstorm).

Yesterday I spent the day making holiday cards. I’ve got a fairly short list of recipients, mostly family, and it was a fun activity. Today I’ll finish that project and tuck each card into an envelope ready to go to the post office on Monday.

I stir restlessly in my seat. The rain brings pain with it in the form of my arthritis flaring up. A walk would help, but I don’t see that happening this morning. I chuckle to myself; I’d certainly be on the trail at this point, if it weren’t raining so damned hard.

I smile and think fondly of my Traveling Partner. He delighted me yesterday by making excellent breakfast sandwiches after I returned from my walk. Totally a surprise. I stepped out of the shower smelling bacon, and found him in the kitchen making breakfast. Delicious. I felt so loved. It’s a feeling that lasts, and I feel it still. I sit with my smile and my thoughts, and hoping that he is sleeping in.

I don’t know what today holds, but if it’s another day like yesterday, my partner and I doing our own thing and hanging out together, it’ll be more than enough. I’m still coasting on that feeling of joy. I think about his project and mine, and I make a short list of things I also want to get done before I start a new work week.

… It’s almost time to begin again…

I’m sitting in my car at a favorite trailhead listening to the rain batter the car and feeling it rocked by gusty winds. Dawn has arrived and daybreak reveals gray skies. I’m not surprised, and knew when I woke that it would likely be a rainy morning.

The drive to this trail is about 40 minutes. It was more than quiet. Without exaggerating, I can say that it was eerie, surreal, and strangely like an end-of-the-world sci-fi adventure; there was no traffic. There were simply no other cars on the road, which is so unusual I began checking the time repeatedly, wondering if it was somehow much earlier than I thought. I scanned the neighborhoods I drove past, looking for lights on, anywhere. The world slept, or had been abandoned, it seemed. It was spooky. Traffic signals operated normally. No other cars. I drove past a huge car dealership all lit up. No people. Past a hospital, no sign of anyone else. Past a shopping center, no one in sight. No sign of anyone else, anywhere. Super strange.

As I neared my destination, I came to a hill, and the one car I would see (on the whole drive) came the other direction, high beams on. “Asshole.” I said to myself when the driver didn’t turn their lights down, momentarily blinding me.

I continued my journey, musing about the high likelihood, demonstrated on my drive, that about half of the people in a given place and time are going to be assholes… Then I noticed that I had forgotten that my own high beams were on. lol …I realized that it’s probably also true that about half of the people in a given place and time are probably stupid people… And that it’s not going to be obvious at all which are which, just looking at them. I laugh out loud wondering whether I’m stupid or an asshole. I decide I’ve probably spent plenty of time in both categories over the years (don’t we all?), and make room to cut myself (and that other driver) a little slack for being so very human.

… Still super weird that I only saw one car on the entire drive…

I get to the trailhead safely and park. I sit listening to the rain and watching for dawn to become daylight, hoping for the rain to ease up enough to get a good walk in, happy to have something to do while my Traveling Partner gets some sleep.

The big oaks on the slope are a dark brown silhouetted against a stormy blue-gray sky. I’m still alone here, some time later, which is unusual but welcome. I listen to the geese overhead. The rain stops. It’s time to begin again.

Where does this path lead?