I woke too early. I didn’t get enough sleep. I’ve got a wicked headache, my eyeballs feel like they are sandpapered, and my skin “feels uncomfortable”. My neck aches from waking twisted and alarmed in the wee hours. I never went soundly to sleep after that, but I catnapped a bit between strange dreams filled with dread and doubt and “exploding head” nightmares.

… It’s a very human experience.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I watered the lawn thoroughly; it’s expected to be another fiercely hot day. I headed for the trail at daybreak and arrived in time to greet the dawn, which glows like an infected cut, hues of red and orange along the horizon.

Mostly beautiful and a bit inspiring.

I’m irritable and out of sorts, cross with myself, my circumstances, and even this moment. I’ll get over it, I’m sure. I’m more resilient than I once was. For now, though, I am in no mood for… people. Or anything. I don’t want conversation. I don’t want to share space. I don’t want an exchange of ideas nor any kind of shared experience. I just want to be left alone to be irritable in peace, until it passes.

… I am recognizably not my best self this morning…

Maybe after work I’ll just retreat to my studio and paint moody landscapes of sunrises and sunsets, counting on the vibrant colors to distract viewers from the dark shapes silhouetted against the sky?

… G’damn I’m cranky…

I definitely needed more (better) sleep. My Traveling Partner wasn’t sleeping well either. He was having trouble breathing – possibly the worst way to not sleep. He seemed to have found sleep at some point; he wasn’t awake when I finally just got up. I tried not to make noise as I dressed and left. I didn’t want to be any part of waking him again, before he had gotten the rest he needs.

I smile for a moment, recalling the unexpected gift of a couple books I haven’t read, which my beloved gave me yesterday. I feel loved when I think of them. The feeling lasts as long as the thought does; I try to hold on to it, with limited success.

I love the feeling of a new book in my hands.

I sigh to myself at the halfway point on my walk. Fucking hell it’s going to take so much coffee to push me through the day, today. I could do without this fucking headache, too.

I breathe, exhale, and relax, and take a few moments of this quiet morning for meditation. My routine tends to help me past most of life’s difficult bits these days. It’s not perfect, as solutions go, but it’s better than nothing. I glare moodily at the rising sun. I don’t feel like dealing with the heat, but “not dealing with it” isn’t really an option that reality provides. It is what it is. I’ve got a bottle of water with me, half finished already. Letting myself get dehydrated would be stupid, particularly since I’ve already got this headache.

I sigh heavily, feeling my discontent like a weight on my shoulders. I look down the trail with a somber acknowledgement;  I walked this far, now I’ve got to finish it. Shit. I get to my feet feeling impatient with myself and vaguely angry. I’ll have to begin again. Maybe it will help.