Archives for category: anhedonia
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1458 Posts, Still Practicing

January 5, 2018 //
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I am not perfect. Not even close. Hell, I’m still practicing the most basic practices, generally, as a beginner. A student. An amateur. A novice. I even try to practice very much as if I’d never done it before – with my full attention, with care, aware of the moment and the motions, deliberately, and with my whole will – and 1458 published blog posts later, I’m still practicing. Like… practicing. Because I have not yet achieved mastery – and maybe can’t or won’t, I don’t know that, and it isn’t relevant to day-to-day practicing of practices. What matters is the practice itself, and the effect it has on my experience to do so. 🙂

I’m a bit woozy and light-headed from the over-the-counter remedies I’ve taken to ease the symptoms of the ick-of-the-month going around the office (or maybe I picked it up at the party? No matter, that’s not important). I’m in a much better mood than yesterday, which I rather expected; really shitty moods are not especially sustainable. I took steps to take a step back, and ended the evening quite pleasantly.

I woke during the night with the sore throat. I figured maybe I was breathing through my mouth… but no, I woke with it in the morning, somewhat worse. I didn’t think much of it, it was only a tickle. By noon, it was a distraction, by 2 pm I actually felt unwell. On my way home, with a frown, and recognition that strep throat, specifically, should not be brought into the office, I pulled into the wee urgent care clinic I favor and got the diagnostic test for strep done, and had the doctor take a look. It’s not strep. I’m glad about that… well… I was initially very glad. At this point, I just feel mostly pretty shitty and ill, and I don’t really care about it – or much of anything else. I ache all over. My head hurts. My throat hurts. The tickle is becoming a nagging, dry, hacking little cough, also very annoying. I guess I know what I’m doing this weekend. Maybe I’ll also slowly get all the holiday decor put away… but I won’t be hard on myself if I don’t. I think I could already go to bed… and it’s not yet 5:30 pm. lol

Dinner was a lovely rich Pho that I picked up on my way home. I already didn’t feel much like eating, or at all like cooking, but I knew I would need to take care of myself, too. I’m annoyed that I’m sick, but the annoyance doesn’t help anything, so I let it go. In fact, I let it go every time it comes up (again). It still comes up, of course; I’m human. I remind myself that “we’ve got to pay for our thrills”, and that breaking all my routines for a high energy holiday celebration with a horde of rambunctious friends merrily cavorting through the days and nights was sure to hit my immune system at some point, and I knew that going into it. It did. No surprise there; I specifically and willfully chose to enjoy the weekend as I did – so, also, no fair bitching about the cost. Now it’s time to pay the check, that’s all. If I deal with a sore throat for a few days, I get off pretty easy, I think. 😀

Damn I’m tired. Tired. Woozy. Feeling crappy. It’s time to put all this aside and take care of me in the real life, not just talk about it. lol Tomorrow I can begin again. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, Words

Don’t Forget to Enjoy It

December 17, 2017 //
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When life feels miserable day after day, it can get to be hard to recognize good times. Like sorting a large quantity of small things very quickly, even the focus on one specifically sought characteristic will not, alone, be sufficient to be certain of not tossing that one special object to the side quite automatically. It’s a thing people do. I know I’ve done it, both quite factually as a matter of course while sorting small objects looking for one specific thing, but also metaphorically, in life, mired in shitty times, completely unprepared to appreciate the good time I was seeking when it does turn up. The result can be a particularly nasty stew of “my life is complete shit” kinds of experiences that feel deep down dark, and which linger over endless tedious hopeless grindingly endured moments that seem… beyond bleak. Apathy and despair can become character qualities. Sorrow can become who we are.

My best recommendation applies throughout life across demographics, and I can’t imagine it not being applicable nearly any day, any time, and in any sort of relationship or circumstance; make a point of enjoying the things that are enjoyable, make a point to be aware of those things, to savor them, to bring them to mind and share them. If you do nothing else differently in life, this small thing may still tend to result in life feeling generally more enjoyable. No kidding. Of course, your results may vary, and I can’t possibly do the actual work of practicing practices for you. I do wish you well – and I know with certainty that your results with be consistent with your will to practice. You may fail. Only you can stop you from beginning again. 🙂

Today has been lovely. Sandwiched between two insanely busy weeks at work (oh, yeah, I can be quite certain of that in the week to come), this has been such a sweet relaxed weekend. I got a few things done, but the thing I got done with the most skill was that I took care of myself well, and got the rest I needed. I had some fun, and made sure to take care of myself, not just have a good time. I enjoyed some wonderfully connected time with my Traveling Partner, in spite of distance, merry loving moments that are memories as real as any time we share in the same space. I’m glad that I noticed what a lovely weekend I was having, well before it began to end, so that I could also enjoy enjoying it – total enjoyment. It’s been nice. I definitely recommend going beyond enjoying the things you enjoy, and also enjoying that you are enjoying them while you enjoy them. 😀

It’s evening now, though, and the weekend is ending gently. There is a last load of laundry in the dryer, and an unfinished list of things to do that isn’t troubling me at all; it’s all stuff I can do during the week.

Tomorrow is Monday. I’ve no idea what it will really be like, probably just fine – it usually is, now that I’ve learned to allow that to be a thing. 🙂 I smile, finish my brand name flavored fizzy water while also smirking at myself for liking it in the first place, and head for my meditation cushion. It’s a nice ending to a lovely weekend.

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Categories anhedonia, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, grief, health, Healthy Living, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Still Sick, Pretty Tired of It

October 29, 2017 //
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I woke with a cough to a misty autumn morning. It is clear that it has recently rained. The mist hangs in the trees, visible across the street, and obscuring any view slowly developing through the trees at the edge of the deck, as their leaves fall. I break a sweat wrapping my fuzzy warm bathrobe around myself. I am dizzy as I make my coffee. The coughing persists.

It’s only a weekend, and it is looking like I will probably still be sick when Monday comes around. Oh sure, perhaps less so than on Friday, but still… sick. Officially an entire week being ill. If I’d had any doubt about this being no-kidding-influenza, those dissipated like autumn mist sometime on Friday. Few things keep me ill for so long. Having had all but 2 annual flu shots since 1978, and even getting vaccinated against pneumonia in 2009, I rarely actually come down with the flu, or if I do, it lasts no longer than a mild head cold. I’m sorry I’ve been so cross and whiny about it. I don’t like being sick, really, at all.

Today I will have to stir beyond this dwelling, like it or not; I will use my last dose of one cold symptom medication and would be wise to replace it. I don’t really want to go out at all.

I’ve done literally nothing but sleep and undertake the most basic self-care this weekend. The housekeeping is piling up. I have been pretty easily able to pay it no mind – I’m sick, and have no fucks to give, so… yeah. This morning, though, the little waste baskets each full to overflowing with used tissues, and (god damn it) again with dishes in the sink, I find myself at least aware of my surroundings and circumstances. I may attempt to bring some order, later, but for now I am still too dizzy-tired-not-yet-awake for any of that.

I notice that the most recently opened tissue box is not at hand… I wonder apathetically where I might have left it, until I really do need it, then I interrupt my moment to go find the damned thing. My coffee is almost done, and instead of a second, I think of maybe going back to bed. lol Being sick is less than ideally productive. Maybe tomorrow I can earnestly begin again…?

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Taking Care of the Woman in the Mirror

October 28, 2017 //
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I succeeded in sleeping in this morning, until almost 8:30 am. It mattered less that I also woke basically every two hours during the night, or that I was awake for two hours, sometime around midnight, than that I was able to simply keep sleeping until the thought of being awake no longer seemed like a compromise of my most basic self-care. I was up for a couple of hours. I watched some entertaining videos. I scrolled through Facebook. I showered and handled basic hygiene and self-care tasks (most easily accomplished while I am awake).

I went back to bed, and slept through much of the afternoon, waking more or less around tea time, which is to say, around 3pm. I woke a number of times, but a quick check on my consciousness found me choosing more sleep, each time, until this last time, when I chose, at last, to wake and even to get up. I had to pee. Not getting up wasn’t really an option. I didn’t go back to bed, but mostly only because I didn’t want more sleep any more than I wanted to be awake, and since I was already awake, and up, I simply decided to continue along that path awhile. lol I’m not terrifically engaged with the moment, the fire of my natural presence flickers. Clearly I am ill. So… a fresh cup of hot tea. A new moment. I am on auto-pilot, and only barely truly awake. I am uncertain where the evening may take me.

I am hungry. The amount of work involved in feeding myself doesn’t seem at all appealing. The sorts of foods I could order? Don’t seem at all appealing. So. Here I sit. Hungry and doing nothing whatsoever about it. Thinking about taking action on the food thing, I find myself contemplating going back to bed instead… I would not notice any feelings of hunger if I were asleep… It would be easier.

I sip my tea. It is hot, bland, basically flavorless. I’m sick and nothing tastes good, really. I think about how easily I could heat up some chicken soup, though… Chicken soup, with Rick & Morty… or chicken soup with Archer… or chicken soup with Harry Potter, South Park, or Samurai Champloo… or chicken soup with a favorite book… I chuckle when I realize that I am more interested in the chicken soup itself than any accompanying entertainment. Okay, okay – chicken soup then. No problem. I’ve got plenty made. I find myself feeling somewhat buoyed by the thought of rich hot broth, chunks of chicken meat, veggies stewed in the flavorful broth, buckwheat noodles…

I lift myself from my chair with some awkwardness and stiffness. I barely notice the pain I am in, moment-to-moment, because flu symptoms suck so much, but there it is, when I move. I stand with some difficultly, and wait a few seconds to be sure of my balance, before making my way to the kitchen. Chicken soup won’t heat itself. lol One obvious downside to living alone; I’ve always got to be the one fetching tissues or mugs of tea, or heating up the soup. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Sick, Tired, Uninspired

October 26, 2017 //
1

I’m still sick, and it is sort of pissing me off (along with just feeling poorly). I mean, it isn’t that bad, right? Just bad enough to keep me feeling fairly under-the-weather, fatigued, and out-of-sorts dealing with symptoms. I get over the headache, the sore throat gets worse. The sore throat isn’t so bad? Well, the sinus congestion is worse. Got the sinus congestion mostly managed? No problem, how about we move this crap into my chest and add a cough? I guess I wasn’t surprised by the return of the headache, the swollen glands, or the utter lack of deeply restful sleep, which persists. Who the hell decided we needed to be meat puppets of all things?? Highly inefficient. Prone to illness, and all manner of breakdowns. :-\

I grumble through my shower, yoga, my morning coffee, and even a restless attempt at a morning walk around the block, which got me to the end of the driveway. (I really “needed some air”. The fresh air felt lovely, but I am too sick to take any sort of long walk.) Meditation, like sleep, works out less than ideally well.

On my way in to the office, I’ll stop by the doctor’s office and lab, and have a properly credentialed adult provide an opinion; it’s rare that I’m sick more than a day or two, and this is day 4. I remind myself that it is more than likely what I thought it most likely to be initially, just this year’s newest strain of ick going around. Common enough in my work environment. This being the case does not stop the circumstances from being incredibly annoying; I have weekend plans. 😦 The closer the weekend gets, the less likely it seems that those plans will live to see real life in action. Yes, hell yes, I am disappointed. Sort of. Almost. I’m just sick enough to also mostly not actually care any time I think of sleeping, sleeping in, going back to sleep, napping, resting, lying down… Yeah, I’m totally sick.

I may not write tomorrow. The desire to sleep in today almost got me to reset the alarm for later. Tomorrow I might follow through on that, since I clearly need more sleep right now. I’m too sick to have much to say that has any lasting value, the writing is habitual, and part of “who I am”, I sit down to it each day mostly without even thinking about it, or planning to. It is a commitment. A compulsion? A practice.

Tomorrow, I’ll probably just begin again. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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