Archives for category: Anxiety
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Quite Deliberate and Willful

February 19, 2015 //
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This morning I woke with anxiety riding shotgun. I woke early, and abruptly, feeling unable to take a breath. In the face of imminent panic, I managed to grab hold of the nearest practice – in this case, simply breathing – and focused on that, instead of the anxiety.

“Anxiety” 10″ x 14″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic 2011

“Anxiety” 10″ x 14″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic 2011

With the first deep breath, in and then slowly out, I observed the quiet environment, and the lack of immediate threats to my safety or wellness.

With the second, I observed my own body and state of being, finding and gently letting go of tension, then self-soothing by improving my posture, and comforting myself with reminders to be present, now, and letting the safety and comfort of the moment soak into my awareness more fully.

With the third breath I acknowledged Anxiety traveling with me this morning, and instead of panic, I gave myself a mental pat on the back for dealing with her – and my PTSD – so well these past couple days.  I took a moment to refresh my understanding that my TBI sometimes prevents my chemistry from appropriately returning to baseline because the inhibition/disinhibition circuitry – and other executive functions – are impaired; this too will pass, but it may take longer than I’d like, and I’ll probably have to help it along.

By the time I complete 5 deep cleansing breaths, my heart stopped pounding, and the surreal terror eased. Was it something in my dreams that woke me so badly? It hardly matters. I am okay, and a new day is beginning. I anticipate the anxiety may come and go today, as it eases over hours without new stimuli. I smile realizing that it feels almost natural… almost easy… to take care of me in the face of my anxiety. It is quite deliberate, very structured, almost ritualistic, extremely practiced, and in no way ‘natural’ or ‘easy’ – but it is lovely that it feels that it easy, and that’s more than enough to bring a smile to my face, this morning as I sit with my coffee, quite alone, and recognizing anxiety as merely an emotion, rather than envisioning it as some powerful super-being capable of destroying worlds.

The tools and practices I have invested so much time and study in really do make a difference. Using SuperBetter regularly helps me stay focused on practicing good self-care practices, and reminds me of all the variety there is in self-care tools and skills, and in creative ways to break problem patterns of thinking and behavior. Directing entertainment consumption towards the educational (TED Talks, SciShow…) has proven helpful, too; the brain is a sort of ‘use it or lose it’ tool, itself, and the sharpest elders I know are people who continue learning well into their elder years as a lifelong passion.

…And then there’s love.  I don’t want to overlook or underestimate the value of supportive relationships, emotional nurturing by loved ones, the comfort in someone listening, or the emotional safety in being accepted and loved – exactly as I am.  Being loved is a bit like buried pirate treasure, though; even though I suspected it might be ‘out there’, and even with a map that had a spot marked ‘X’ to point the way, it took some searching and some persistence, mostly because I did not understand that the love I most yearned for above all others needed to come from me, and until I found my way to that safe haven, no searching would ever turn up the pirate treasure of romantic love in the arms of another (because, even if someone loved me that much, in that way, I would struggle to recognize and feel it, having no similar feeling about myself).

It’s a lovely morning, and a good day to tell anxiety to take a hike – I will choose, instead, to walk with love, deliberately and willfully. Today is a good day to practice good practices, and to take care of me. Today is a good day to enjoy what works, and improve on what doesn’t work so well. Today is a good day to change the way I deal with my world.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, women

How Peculiar

February 18, 2015 //
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Have you ever considered how strange it is that we put so much into the idea of a resume or curriculum vitae to get the job we want…but don’t put anything like that kind of time into detailing our experience and qualifications for a new relationship? That seems odd to me, given the greater importance of connecting with others over ’employment’, to the quality of our human experience.

Have you ever considered how strange it is that we allow ourselves, that is to say many of us do and much of the time, to treat people we care about, and even love, less well than we treat relative strangers, or colleagues? This also seems very odd to me.

There is likely a valuable understanding or change of priorities to be gained by giving these thoughts more consideration. Certainly, if nothing else, I find myself curiously moved to attempt to write a ‘relationship resume’ just to sort of ‘see where I stand’ in the love market! (I keep my resume up-to-date routinely, whether I am job hunting or not.) The elements that catch my attention are the simple and fairly classic format: an introductory paragraph or ‘personal statement’, relevant education and certifications, a list of relevant skills, and then the important experiences on which I hope to build my future. I’ve never taken a look at me domestically or romantically from the perspective of a resume. It seems a worthy exercise in self-knowledge and preparedness for life and love…possibly fun.

All the practices...

All the practices…

This morning I am using one of many practices to defuse the anxiety I woke with. I woke early. My sleep was adequately restful, I suppose, but interrupted and waking more than half an hour early often has the potentially to start my morning with some irritability. This morning, I also woke to find my aquarium lights didn’t come on. I stubbed my toe heading to the bathroom. I dropped most of my pills into the sink instead of into my mouth. I spent the first several minutes of the morning feeling nauseous. None of it has proven especially challenging so far – I have practices. This morning, distraction – intellectual sleight of hand using problem solving, and learning – has gotten me past most of it. That, and meditation and breathing.

It still blows my mind how powerful breath is; in any stressful moment, pausing to take a few deep cleansing breaths, exhaling fully, and doing so with disciplined awareness, and self-compassion is often enough to nudge me well past any serious turmoil to a place where I can manage things more comfortably. Breathing. Who knew?

Randomly, I observe that I’m over 500 posts here now… and often find that I, myself, benefit from re-reading something I wrote some time ago, working out some similar challenge or puzzle, or just being very human and valuing the reassurance that “I’ve got this” that I sometimes find in words I have written before…or, still struggle with, and could use some perspective. It’s a bit much to wade through more than 500 posts, and I’m rarely so certain I know just what I’m looking for. Instead, I generate a random date and read that post from a new perspective, or look at the dashboard to see what older posts are being read most by other people – and tap the zeitgeist by rereading that one, along with ‘everyone else’.

Have you ever considered how small a number ‘everyone’ may sometimes be, by the implied parameters of a statement? That seems odd to me…but I definitely do that, myself (see above).

Thanks for reading. My writing is another practice that has a lot of potential to calm me, and lower my anxiety, and I appreciate your help with that.

Today is a good day to practice the practices. Today is a good day to change the way I see the world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Big 5

The Time Comes

February 16, 2015 //
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The time comes when practices and tools and new skills aren’t just convenient, or a nice quality of life improvement, or appreciated growth and self-improvement; they aren’t about that, and never were. The time comes, sooner or later, almost inevitably, when practices, tools, and skills are what I am counting on to maintain not just balance, or contentment, or comfort dealing with others – they save me from myself, they put boundaries on a surreal recurring waking nightmare that is the result of my PTSD flaring up. Over time, when the time comes, they become something I can (hopefully) count on to give me a moment to change a reaction to a response, when my PTSD and my disinhibiting brain injury cross paths in a moment of stress.

The time will come…does come…when I will find myself facing me, facing a challenge – that much I know, from a lifetime of experience; “this too shall pass” applies equally to the moments of calm and joy, as it applies to the moments of panic, and terror.

These practices I write so much about, talk so much about, and frankly practice so much for many minutes of this finite mortal life are not just conveniences or cool things to do – they saved my life. This morning they proved their worth, and I proved that I am not wasting my time learning to practice the practices.

There’s not much more to say about this morning, in any specific way. I have PTSD. My symptoms are sometimes triggered by very specific domestic scenarios; one of the lasting effects of domestic violence decades ago (so don’t act violently toward people you say you love, okay?). I also have a brain injury that severely limits the ‘inhibiting’ and regulatory executive functions that most people can count on to avoid saying the wrong thing, or acting on impulse – or releasing the full visceral power of their emotional experience in the moment. This morning I found myself disadvantaged by those characteristics of my experience, and leaning heavily on new practices, new understandings of mind and practical emotional neuroscience, and the love and good-heartedness of my traveling partner, who handled things – and me – so tenderly. This morning, it was enough. (Huge win there, frankly.) The hours of study, meditation, practicing good self-care, more meditation, getting more exercise, taking better care of my physical health, and still more meditation, the hiking, the talk therapy, learning cognitive practices that improve implicit memory, more meditation still…and the miles and miles of walking, and being; every bit of it is worth the effort, the life-force spent, the time taken just to have it pay off this one time, this morning.

You know, it isn’t even about ‘proof of concept’ in any especially grown up way – it’s more like the scene in Harry Potter “Prisoner of Azkaban” when Harry realizes he can cast the Patronus charm – because he already had (nothing like time travel to get a leg up on the future, I guess…). I am hopeful I can go forward more easily able to take advantage of new practices to manage my PTSD and my TBI…because this morning, I did. Oh, wait…That’s exactly what ‘proof of concept’ actually is. LOL Go, Brain. Proof of concept…but ‘in a Harry Potter way’; I may never actually be a proper grown up. 🙂

Sometimes this can feel a very lonely journey; we are not alone. <3 Detail of "Communion" 24" x 36" acrylic on canvas w/ceramic, 2011

Sometimes this can feel a very lonely journey; we are not alone. ❤
Detail of “Communion” 24″ x 36″ acrylic on canvas w/ceramic, 2011

So…it’s another day to treat myself and others well, and a good day to stay aware of how easily a comfortable seeming recovery from a bad moment can go awry without continuing to practice the practices. Today is a good day for self-compassion, and acceptance that these are called ‘invisible injuries’ for a reason. Today is a good day to trust love. Today is a good day to enjoy a better outcome, and to say ‘thank you’ – because better outcomes are rarely a solo endeavor.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5

Pain and Outrage

February 10, 2015 //
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Pain sucks. A lot of people (me included) live with some measure of physical pain, moment-to-moment, day-to-day, or occasionally. It doesn’t matter at all how common pain is; it still sucks to experience it, generally. Pain is largely unavoidable, even when it is treatable, manageable, or resolvable. We feel pain, because we feel, and some stuff hurts.

Outrage is a different sort of feeling, although it generally falls into the set of ‘feelings beside pain that also suck’. Outrage is that peculiar mix of anger, despair, frustration, annoyance – and pain – that we experience when confronted with something that ‘just isn’t right at all’ and nothing seems to be getting done about it. More or less. (Your results may vary) Outrage is the stuff movements and causes are made of. Outrage sells newspapers, and advertising spots. Outrage gets us to show up and take a stand. Outrage is painful, and floods us with a cascade of negative emotions, as well as increasing our level of arousal – readying us to fight, to take action. Outrage is motivating… but it’s probably not really ‘healthy’ to linger in that state. I know, for me, outrage builds over time to slowly become fused with an ancient feeling of ‘learned helplessness’ that eventually develops into a sense of futility. Despair and frustration become dominant in that experience, as the urge to take action generates no positive outcome (generally); often we are being stoked into a sense of outrage for marketing purposes. There is no intent to drive change at all; we’re being used.

Outrage, delightfully enough, is not unavoidable. It’s totally avoidable. Outrage, generally, is optional. Quite optional. This is a new thought for me, or at least I think so right now.

Where is your outrage getting you these days? If it is solving problems, and moving you through your difficulties, and finding you in an improved place with your fellow human being – and finding them in an improved place, themselves, you are having some success with outrage. If your outrage changes one thing – any one thing – for the better, truly, then your outrage is effective. I’ve got nothing but gratitude for people who can endure outrage long enough to drive positive change. I’m even impressed.

Outrage generally just upsets me, resulting in agitation, frustration, arousal and leading to my PTSD symptoms flaring up, and my disinhibiting TBI definitely gets in the way of managing outrage appropriately. Over time, outrage takes me over, colors my experience, and renders the world a seeming palette of horrors, and despair without end. It’s unpleasant. It’s also totally avoidable.

I changed how I consume media, day-to-day, and in general it alleviates my experience of chronic outrage. There is plenty in the world to be outraged about, and certainly there’s enough for every human being to take a strong stand on an important issue and change the world…but…there’s actually so much potentially ‘wrong’ in the world, it could certainly ruin any one person’s day entirely to embrace all of it as a personal cause. I still care. I am learning not to allow myself to be dragged into chronic outrage. It’s not easy. I often catch myself getting pulled back into an issue through a link shared by a friend; it matters to me a great deal what matters to my friends and loved ones, and before I quite know how, I’m caught up in measles at Disneyland, or gun safety concerns, or police brutality, or any number of feminist issues that are of direct and immediate concern to me personally, as a woman. It happens fast.

Good self-care sometimes means putting down the device. Scrolling past the news article. Refraining from commenting. Taking a few deep breaths and letting it go. Why does it matter so much to manage chronic outrage? Emotional experience is tied to our physical experience pretty directly; emotions are chemical. Pain is physical – and emotional. Chronic outrage seems (in my own experience) to correlate to an experience of pain feeling more intense, less endurable, and less responsive to treatment. Hmmmm… give up chronic outrage and hurt less, or… don’t. Yeah. That’s an easy one.

Relax. Have a coffee. Think about something pleasant for a moment. Enjoy this moment, right here; it's the only one quite like it.

Relax. Have a coffee. Think about something pleasant for a moment. Enjoy this moment, right here; it’s the only one quite like it.

Today is a good day to be aware of media manipulation. Today is a good day to enjoy each positive moment with at least as much attention, passion, and engagement as I might bring to any cause or concern. Today is a good day to let small stuff go, and to choose my battles. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Big 5

It’s All Small Stuff

February 6, 2015 //
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I definitely needed that break, and some time for me, and some perspective…and I’m back.

Winter walks have a different sort of beauty.

Winter walks have a different sort of beauty.

I took time to contemplate several things, engaged, aware, non-judgmental. Had a couple of moments of general irritation. One or two crying jags. Saw a physician. Enjoyed the company of my traveling partner. Spent some time en famille. Reflected. Meditated. Painted my nails. Slowed things down in general, actually – and I really needed that. My sleep has been somewhat improved, as has my mood and emotional resilience. All good stuff.

I have a solo weekend ahead of me – and a lifetime. My adult lifetime, from one perspective, has barely begun – if I am fortunate, practice good self-care, and act in my best interests, generally, without harming others. I could be around another 50 years. More. That’s a lot of life ahead of me. I realized this week that I may not want to spend all that time doing some of the things I spend my time on now. I don’t know that this is a new realization – it’s still a good one to have; it presents the opportunity for change.

So…I’m back, with a question. “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I could phrase it differently. “How do I want to spend the majority of my limited mortal lifetime?” I bet you see where this is going… That pesky human ‘search for meaning’ thing. Indeed. Something to think about. Is what I do ‘important’ to the world? To anyone besides a few already very wealthy stockholders and executives? Does it impact the world in a positive way? If it does not, and I am aware it does not, what will I choose to make a change to live more in accordance with my own values – which suggest that life is meaningful, and that our choices and actions are most beneficial and enjoyable when they take us in the direction of engaged meaningful work.

The pain will likely always be there; bits and pieces are broken, other bits and pieces do more than their fair share as a result. Aging is. What will I choose to live in a meaningful way in spite of that?

Today is a good day to choose based on my own values. Today is a good day to understand that what is important to a business, a corporate, or even an individual may not be important to ‘the world’… but everything good I do, every good choice, every good action, every moment of kindness, helpfulness, and agreeable good-natured presence makes the world a bit better, without regard to its importance. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Big 5, winter, women, Words
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