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Anxiety, Assumptions, and Answers

March 2, 2013 //
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Before I take another step, I’ll just say “Wow, what a good week”. Credit where credit is due; mindfulness practices, careful choices, and a will to avoid misunderstandings and assumptions are all making a huge difference, or so it seems so far this week, and the vibe at home is very supportive and inclusive much of the time, which fosters growth and change.

This morning I woke anxious after a good night’s sleep. It wasn’t the sort of major panic that brings me to my feet in alarm and puts me in motion before I can think things over, but it was there and my attention was on it when I woke. A glance at the clock and I was relieved that it was definitely to early to bother get up – it’s a Saturday – so attempt 1 to deal with it was somewhat dismissive and irritated, and of the ‘roll over and go back to sleep’ variety.  ( If you have an anxiety issue, yourself, you likely know how that went – the derisive hoots of laughter can be halted any time. lol.) Yeah, so I dozed a few minutes, woke up again – still anxious. ‘F*ck it’, I thought, I am so not getting up early today. Attempt 2 was a trip down the hall for an old school fix ‘get a drink of water and go back to bed’. Right, right. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn new things.  After another few minutes of napping, I was awake again, and this time the clock was pretty near to meeting my morning’s internal ‘suggested waking time’ for the day… damn it.  That‘s when I re-engaged my actual brain, and went through some basic breathing and mindfulness exercises I’ve been practicing all week… and my heart rate started to slow down, my breathing became deeper and more relaxed, my jaw unclenched…and the feeling of anxiety subsided. I was just about to get up when…I realized I’d fallen back to sleep! After my unexpected nap, I woke in a much better place, feeling gently aligned inside myself and pretty calm and centered.  I’m not sure what else to say about this morning…somewhere there’s a hippie thinking ‘I told you so’? lol. Damn it. Nothing to do now but have a quad latte and do some yoga. 😀

So, here it is, Saturday at the tail end of a good week. I think I’ll leave the ‘why am I anxious’ questions off my To Do list completely – because I don’t think ‘why’ actually matters right now. I think I will also refrain from making any assumptions about the feeling itself, as it comes and goes unexpectedly, today. I’m not going looking for answers about anxiety this morning – it’s a lovely easy Saturday, and I will enjoy that about my experience and continue to practice letting small things go, and not taking other people’s experience personally. So, maybe a walk later, and an opportunity to snap some close ups of small things, and a couple errands, and later some plotting and scheming…er… ‘planning’… Sunday dinner. (One of my most fun things every week is cooking Sunday dinner for all of us, and this week I don’t yet have even a notion what I might like to do.)

I hope the Saturday ahead of you is wide open with possibilities and that your choices bring you only the best outcomes. If it gets weird or scary for you, hang on for the ride, and take a minute to just chill and breathe.  It’s been working for me, pretty well.  🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Second Chances, Second Helpings, Second Times

March 1, 2013 //
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A second post; it seems less rare these days to find myself writing more words…a second thought, second look… wait a second…(now I’m just having some fun). The thing is, I just feel good today – even playful. Free. As if Life took a deep breath and relaxed. I suspect that it was actually me. 🙂

So, that TED talk on vulnerability really dovetails with other things I am reading, practicing, thinking, doing – and sharing it is just the only decent thing.   Seriously, I’m probably solo for a couple of hours this evening and if so, I am watching it again – with my whole being.

I had a pretty spectacularly ordinary very good day – it has been pleasantly orderly, and interestingly spontaneous, and all without being overwhelming.  I got some shopping done and found my way to some good places: a market, an art supply store, and an art community.  Painting is very much on my mind, and I took the opportunity to round out my watercolor supplies today, and enjoyed a few moments of fun playing with those and getting organized.  It’s actually a little strange to find myself so excited about painting in watercolor again – when I easily could have been doing so at any point I cared to, all along.  How did I miss that I wanted this?

Now day begins to turn to evening under a cottony gray sky with only a threat of rain, and I have satisfied my initial urgent need to see new work with an unimpressive but pleasing sketch of a crumpled receipt in India ink and graphite.  It was a short night, and as my excitement begins to wane I recognize fatigue, and the calm of utter contentment.  (49 years old and I’ll probably be asleep by 9pm! I certainly didn’t envision this when I stared hungrily at the horizon of impending adulthood as a ‘tween. lol) …But…this feels good…really good.  Have I misunderstood what ‘happy’ actually is, all this time?  A thought for another day, another post, another moment to consider what’s going well, and what is working in some other time and space – for now, this right here is enough.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Being and Becoming

February 28, 2013 //
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I’m building a regular practice these days whereby the last thing I do each night is meditate. Initially, I contemplate my day compassionately, observing it without analyzing it. I note if/whether there is some event, outcome, or theme that seemed most challenging, or most relevant to my current needs and commit to focusing on a single practice, behavior, or cognitive function the next day,  that may be an improvement on what I am doing now.  Then I let all that go – and just focus on my breathing.  I’ve been sleeping more deeply and restfully since I started doing that… I don’t know that those experiences are correlated.

Today I am focusing on letting small things go.  The most challenging moment I had yesterday was when an associate [who matters to me] interrupted me to say something to me in an incredibly insulting and dismissive tone, rich with condescension and derision, and full of assumptions about my level of knowledge. I was… insulted, hurt, briefly even angry. I struggled with it for a few moments at the time, but the social environment didn’t really permit actually addressing it with my associate directly in a comfortable way [that I know yet].  It still lingered in my memory pretty vividly that evening when I finished my day, so – focusing on letting small things go, today. 🙂 Maybe you don’t agree that being insulted that way is a ‘small thing’? Was I, though?  My associate’s assumptions about me, and their own world view, was the foundation of their reaction – does that really have anything to do with me, other than alerting me that they don’t know me as well as I thought they did – or as well, perhaps, as they think they do? That seems a very different thing than ‘being insulted’ – and I’d deal with it differently.  In the moment, my understanding of events was the result of my emotional reaction to words that were the result of a potentially significant misunderstanding.  I’m glad circumstances gave me time to think it over.

I spent the walk to work happily thinking art thoughts. I contemplated my journey as an artist so far, and considered what I would like to accomplish artistically this year. I observed the bare branches of deciduous trees along the walk, and their contrast against the rainy gray sky. I took note of russet leaves that litter the sidewalk on the way, their many shapes, and shades. I smiled at the lichens on the tree branches, and the moss in the cracks of the sidewalk. Many of the trees are just beginning to bud, or unfurl delicate new leaves. Spring is coming. I enjoyed a feeling of just being, as I walked, and becoming – with the spring – as each day unfolds. I’m eager to get to work in watercolor, again. It’s been a very long time.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Words That Hurt

February 27, 2013 //
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Words are powerful.  We even have words to dismiss the power of words (“sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me” is a good example). Words can hurt.  Words, in my experience, can be and often are used in ways that amount to abuse, even torture – ‘water-boarding the mind’.  I can give examples, from my own experiences in life. How about these:

  • You wretched, worthless child – god damn it,  can’t you do anything right?
  • F*ck, you’re stupid.
  • You’re a girl, you only have to be good at cooking and blowjobs.
  • I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • You can not survive without me.
  • You owe everything to me.
  • Without me you are nothing.
  • Well, some people have talent, I guess you have to do the best you can without it.

Words used to imply the threat of violence in the face of non-compliance…words used to punish, to damage, to confuse… we use words to communicate, but we also use words to control, and hurt each other. Words seem powerful indeed; they can deliver lasting damage without contact of any kind. And the more we hear the same words, the more believable the words seem to be. Eventually, slogans, phrases, ideas, even insults become internalized and part of ‘who we are’. Scary.

I know I’ve lashed out at people using words – mostly operating on a very harmful assumption that although hitting people is not ok, hurting them with words isn’t ‘violent’. Oh, but isn’t it?  Is the emotional pain we deal with as a byproduct of unhealthy relationships any less painful than any other sort of pain we feel? Is it easier or more difficult to heal? Something to think about… treating people well, by using language in an honest way, without the intent or will to cause harm, damage, punish, or control doesn’t cost anything, and immediately makes the world a better place for everyone.

Pursuing mindfulness is taking me some very interesting places as a thinking being.

A question for Wednesday – if you could choose a life free of guilt, worry, or resentment, would you?

I find myself inclined to immediately answer ‘yes!’  I admit, however, I have made a lot of choices that brought one or more of those my way pretty reliably.  Worry and guilt seem easiest to dispense with, from my perspective. Worry is about something that hasn’t, and may not, happen. Guilt is about something already in the past – and unnecessary when I am accountable for my actions, and willing to take ownership for mistakes. The resentment piece was where I started this morning – because I was very aware that I had none in that moment, and then… uncomfortably self-conscious that that seemed noteworthy! I found myself understanding how mindfulness could ease worry or guilt, and seriously puzzled by resentment in general.  Should resentment even exist if I ‘take care of me’? If I live honestly with my partners, communicating my needs clearly, and taking time to understand theirs? I have reached levels of resentment in prior relationships that aren’t even describable in a rational framework – because it makes no sense to have gotten to that point! Good choices, honest choices, and treating myself well – and compassionately – wouldn’t leave room for resentment, would it? Is there any moment of resentment that isn’t based on my own choices? Is resentment always self-inflicted? I have no answers, just something I plan to think about more. “Treating myself well” is beginning to look like a vista, not a challenge… and thinking more constructively about some things is having results I didn’t expect. Good ones. Artistic ones. Emotional ones.

Yesterday was a good day. The evening was hardly marred by feeling ill and being in physical pain; I stayed in-the-moment with that, which was a very new experience and quite different. I woke feeling better this morning.  Today seems like another good day… how much of this is me and how much is something other than me?  Do I have so much control over my experience, in fact, that good days come so easily when I don’t expect bad ones? More to think about… but for now, mindfully forward into Wednesday’s work.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Wednesday’s Child

February 20, 2013 //
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Apologies in advance if this is longer than interesting and sort of rambling… I’m short on sleep today, and although I am in good spirits and feeling decently human, I’m tired to the point of near-numbness, and brevity will be a challenge. 🙂

It was some strange noise that woke me, found out this morning it was a partner’s alarm; a voice reminder. The alarm itself was not exactly ‘alarming’ (lol – yeah, one of those days)…the burst of activity, noise, and excitement associated with shutting it off was much more so, and since I didn’t actually know what it was all about, I lay awake a long while wondering and listening to the sounds of the house.  Sleep was not happening. Yoga happened. Meditation happened. Breathing exercises happened. Having a stretch and getting some fresh air happened. Taking something to help me sleep happened. Some of those things happened more than once. Sleep did not, at least not for a long while. Generally, when I have difficulty sleeping my brain takes merry advantage of my human frailties to closely examine all my insecurities, fears, self-doubt, abandoned dreams, moments of misunderstanding, bits of weirdness that distress or sadden me, miscommunications, and an assortment of troubling feelings that seem vaguely irrational, even in the wee hours.  Last night was no exception, except in this regard; I eventually wound my way through my consciousness to an interesting moment of understanding that was worth being awake for, and it originated in a misunderstanding (I thought, initially) of who I am as an artist.

For the sake of letting you get on with your day, and still getting this out there, I’ll skip to the ‘moment of understanding’.  I am understanding that the question ‘Who am I?’ is difficult because I am an extraordinary and very individual sum of experiences, choices, consciousness and will that continuously grows and changes – as is everyone else. We may share some portion of our life with other individuals, but for how long, and with how many, is yet another “who am I?” complication.  My life, thus far, measures about 49 years, nearly 50… my current partners and I have been together for less than 4 of those years. Their exposure to the “who am I?” of years before we met is limited to what I’ve said, what they’ve heard from other sources, and whatever limited documentation exists on the internet, in my art, or in my personal papers; their view of “who I am” is not ever going to be the same as my own – or even the same as the view of “who I am” that someone who knew me in a very different time in my life may have. That’s really it. I thought about that all night long… slicing my life by era, by relationship, by artistic period, by trauma-timeline, by key decision-making point… I looked at me from a variety of angles and perspectives… I found more to like and to love that I expected, honestly (it’s been a hard year for my self-esteem), and that felt pretty good.  So good, actually, that I managed a good mood out of a very small amount of sleep.

My thoughts took me back again and again to the negative way I sometimes filter my experiences as a human being.  (As an aside, I have a friend who is extraordinarily negative, especially about himself.  I can easily see the damage it does to him, and how it affects his experience. He can’t see it so easily, and often firmly states he is ‘being rational’. How is this relevant? I do it myself. Hit myself hard with what hurts most, give myself no compassion or room to learn through error, and endlessly berate myself for how much I suck at whatever… when, actually, much of the time I’m okay as human primates go. 😀 )  I realized, specifically, that I did myself and someone I love a great disservice through this negative filtering, too.  Some time ago, someone very dear to me pointed out the utter necessity for me to learn to ‘take care of me’, to learn to love myself, or I would be at risk of hurting others, or finding myself facing difficulties in my relationships. (All true.) He then, from my vantage point deep in the well of a negative filter, pulled way back emotionally and withdrew from me; his support, encouragement and coaching (here comes the filter) ‘because he didn’t really want to be with some broken creature like me’. Wow. How hurtful to both of us that thinking was!  As I finally started to find sleep this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn’t ‘withdrawn’ from me in some act of avoidance, that he may have been demonstrating an incredible depth of love – and support – by refusing to impose his will, his values, his understanding or his way of doing things, on someone he loves a great deal – and would like to continue to love as a whole, healthy, free will individual of her own making. That’s pretty powerful.  It is thinking I find value in… although I admit I am hesitant to ask for clarification, because like any other human being I am afraid to be hurt by finding out which is true.  Progress is good, though, and I think it’s high time I stop berating myself for being human, and maybe try to just enjoy the ride. 🙂

So…difficult night, good day. I don’t know where it will take me, but I’m feeling pretty comfortably me as I find out.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words
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