Archives for category: Brain Injury
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Pre-dawn Gloom

February 10, 2024 //
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I’m waiting for the sun, or at least daybreak. Enough light to make out the trail so I can get started on my walk this morning, would be enough, actually. I woke earlier than necessary and also failed to get up and out the door without waking my Traveling Partner. Shit. Well, I did try.

I woke with a headache and feeling rather… cross? Gloomy? Pointlessly aggravated for no reason. I refuse to capitulate to my relatively crappy mood, since it fails every reality check. There’s nothing amiss and it’s a lovely morning in every respect, aside from my mood. Emotional weather. It’ll pass, like any rain shower.

… I know my mood will improve after a walk along the marsh, and down the path past the river, listening to the birds and breezes. My Traveling Partner pings me to share a video, bringing a smile to my face. I feel loved and this headache doesn’t change that.

I watch the sky begin to lighten with a sliver of dawn down low against the horizon, silhouetting Mt Hood in the distance. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s almost time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

About That Careful Plan…?

February 9, 2024 //
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I’m drinking water and preparing for dropping by the lab to provide a sample. My day was planned around medical stuff – mine and my Traveling Partner’s – and… I screwed up. I mean, not huge, but… I guess stupid finds us all, eventually. I somehow had managed to convince myself (like, a lifetime ago) that a fasting blood draw would nonetheless allow for, you know, morning coffee. For fucks’ sake, right? My Traveling Partner was kind about it, when he woke to the smell of coffee to find me contentedly sipping a very excellent cup of coffee first thing and expecting to go do the lab work. LOL Damn it. He patiently shared an article with me reinforcing his certainty that having coffee was a no-go. I admitted with some embarrassment that I had (literally)(my entire adult life) always gone ahead and had (black) coffee even on days when I had to do a fasting blood draw for some reason. LOL Omg.

…Make no mistake, stupid catches up with us all, eventually…

So, yeah. I pivoted to a more or less ordinary work day, with a plan to just do the urinalysis sample on my way home (it doesn’t seem smart to wait on what can be done today). I managed to sit down to a relatively full inbox and plenty to do, and managed to knock it out pretty quickly… as though I hadn’t just screwed up my entire actual plan. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. I began again, and here I am. It’s a pleasant day in spite of the bit of chaos I managed to add to it. 😀

I take a breath and exhale. I woke with this headache, and I wish that weren’t a part of the day, but it is and I’m dealing with it. I schedule first one new medical appointment and then another – either or both could be relevant to the headache, whose constant companionship I will not miss when it’s gone. I laugh at myself for feeling “so grownup” to be taking steps. Overdue.

I sigh and finish my bottle of water. It’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, turning 60, winter

Less Than Ideal is Okay Too

February 8, 2024 //
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I’m groggy. I slept less than ideally well. The commute into the office was… fine. Traffic was heavy, and seemed peculiarly fast. I felt like I was running late (I wasn’t) and my timing even now feels a bit “off”. It’s less than ideal, just generally. I feel mostly comfortable in my skin, although I’m having to work to manage the pain I’m in this morning. It’s okay. It could be worse. My Traveling Partner woke me around 2:00 a.m., annoyed to be awake and letting me know that. I admit it, I was aggravated about being awakened (particularly since I wasn’t having the best night as it was, myself), but he was a super sweetheart 100% after that moment of annoyance, and it was lovely to see him before I left for work. The annoying moment and being awakened at 2:00 a.m. was less than ideal… but… in the grander scheme of things, it doesn’t amount to much.

…It’s just that kind of day…

Life is a funny mix of ups and downs, trauma and achievement, healing and hurting, convenience and inconvenience, ease and difficulty… and a day or moment that is “less than ideal” may still be pretty fucking fantastic in most regards, and surely isn’t “bad”. It’s pretty easy to overlook where “less than ideal” actually fits on a curve… think about it. “Less than ideal” is basically everything that isn’t “ideal” a characteristic that can be applied to damned few things. “Ideal” is perhaps not quite “perfect” (and nothing actually is, although some things may seem to get close)…so… “less than ideal”? Yeah, very little of that is going to actually be “bad”. Mostly it’ll end up being pretty fine, and generally okay. Something to think about. Perspective is funny that way.

…I’m still super groggy…

I sip my coffee sort of dragging myself through the morning. I look at my to-do list for today, and I’m surprised that I’ve knocked off easily a third of what I had planned for today, and I’ve only been at it a couple hours. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. The “less than ideal” sense of things is not an indication of success or failure – it’s just a feeling. 😀

I guess I’ll make another cup of coffee and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

Letting It Be What It Is

February 7, 2024 //
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This morning I am sipping my coffee contentedly, and watching daybreak become morning. No sunrise this morning. There’s a massive dark gray storm cloud blotting out the sky to the east, so dark that it almost appears that the sun must be rising from the west – the sky is that much lighter in that direction. Doesn’t change the quality of this cup of coffee. Doesn’t affect my mood, or the tasks ahead of me today. It is what it is. I’m okay with it; I am safe and comfortable and warm – and I’ve got this cup of coffee.

I woke easily, and a little early, and my commute was fine. Traffic was no heavier than any other day, and it was moving right along. I often felt as if I were the slowest thing on the road, which is not my usual experience, and I found myself checking my speedometer often, just to verify I was indeed going at least the speed limit. lol Strange morning. Nothing wrong with it – it just is.

Nothing about this morning is so strange that it’s worth commenting on, really. Ordinary morning. It’s pretty easy to “just let it be what it is” on a morning like this. I love these sorts of mornings; they give me a chance to practice some practices in a “safe context” with few challenges, which tends to make them feel more natural on days when I really need them most. Practicing “letting things be what they are” (non-attachment) and not taking things personally are practices that have a lot of value for me, but if I’m stressed to my breaking point, or feeling traumatized, they can be so much more difficult. It’s good to have plenty of practice, because when these become “skills” and “habits” as much as they are “practices”, then, when I need them most, they just are.

I sip my coffee. I breathe, exhale, relax, and consider the moment. I’m grateful for the quiet. Appreciative of the ease. I watch the dark gray storm clouds move over the city, slowly. It may rain. I’m okay with that, too. It is what it is. A little rain can’t stop me from beginning again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, winter

Now

February 1, 2024 //
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The day began earlier than it needed to, and I am okay with it. I’m waiting for daybreak to get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps. Afterwards, I will make a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things he likes (and can make pretty easily), and then do a bit of tidying up before I finally finish packing, load the car, and hit the road for a couple quiet days of (hopefully) restful downtime.

I spend a few minutes meditating. I look over my packing list for obvious omissions. I update my to-do list. I sit quietly, taking note of how my body feels, and “where my head is at”.

My tinnitus is loud today and I am in more pain than usual. I’m physically uncomfortable, but I also feel pretty good emotionally, and generally quite merry and eager to face the day. Learning to hold space for these very different experiences at the same time took a long time to learn, and longer still to recognize the value in doing so, but so worth it. Being able to acknowledge and enjoy what’s going well in spite of what’s going poorly is a way of preventing shitty experiences or feelings from wrecking my entire moment (or day). Handy, considering how often I am in pain.

I take a breath and sigh as I exhale. It’s early, but I go ahead and take something to help manage my pain. Self-care is important to my own well-being, sure, and it’s also something I can do to support my relationships; miserable people make other people miserable, too. I’m not miserable with pain yet, but I could easily become so, and that’d be a crappy way to start off on a few days solo.

I’ve packed my paint box. My camera is ready, too. I’ve put the Lord of the Rings “Return of the King” in my bag, planning to finish it. There’s very little packing left to do (my CPAP, my pillow, things I was using during the night mostly). I’m really down to doing things to maximize my Traveling Partner’s comfort and convenience while I am gone. I take a moment to sit in quiet contemplation; I am so grateful to have a partner who is comfortable with me taking a few days solo now and then, and who truly supports my emotional wellness.

I smile, thinking about how much I know I will miss my partner, even though I am choosing to be away, and really need this time. I also know I will return home eagerly and happy to see him, and to love and be loved. It’s useful perspective to miss each other now and then.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Soon it will be daybreak. Soon it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter
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