Archives for category: Free Will

This morning I woke feeling cross. I also woke with a nasty headache, and serious pain with my arthritis, too. I feel stiff. Hell, I’ll say it – I feel ‘old’. lol.  I’m not tired.  My morning coffee is just right. There is no element of the morning thus far that lacks harmony or a relaxed satisfying comfort.  I just hurt, and I’m cross.  Pain is enough to result in a less than pleasant mood, of course – so why does my brain go looking for more? lol  Yep. This morning’s feature attraction – The Brain Attack.

Once upon a time, and up to very recently, a morning like this one would have set me off on a path of frequent angry rants, tantrums about inconsequential or unimportant bits of circumstance, and on a hunt for insidious (and illusory) patterns of misconduct in other people’s everyday utterly innocent behavior.  It isn’t fun to participate in that sort of thing, and even when I suspected my Brain was misleading me, I struggled to put it to rest or ‘find my way out’.  Something has changed… or at least, something has potentially changed, somewhat.  This morning is different.

This morning, feeling how I felt, and being so cross, I made a point of focusing on me while I showered and dressed. Instead of just going through the motions and filing it away under ‘morning task completion’ and moving on, I slowed down and took my time with myself.  I practiced ‘staying engaged and connected’ with myself.  I hadn’t noticed before that I sometimes wander off in  my thinking to places unknown, leaving my emotions unattended.  (I’m sorry if that seems… hard to follow, or lacking clarity. I don’t understand what I did differently today fully, myself, and I’m trying to share before I have an understanding. lol)  Giving myself the respect of staying ‘in the moment’ with myself first thing actually felt really good.

Meditation, a delicious latte, and some time playing SuperBetter and I find myself in a very different place.  It seems too simple – is this all it takes? I’m not bitching.  Oh, I still hurt, but I’m not making myself miserable with self-deception in the form of brain attacks on my emotional balance, along with physical discomfort.  it’s nice.

This morning, I did things differently, and got a different outcome.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

A lovely flower to start the morning. Clematis on a rainy day.

Here it is, Sunday, September 29th.  I’ve been looking forward to it eagerly since I decided to participate in the World Wide WP  5k . I’m actually excited about this – and I woke this morning eager to drop my camera into my pocket and be on my way… only…

Autumn in Oregon

Autumn in Oregon

It’s raining! It’s raining rather a lot and pretty hard most of the day, off and on..  I watched the rain spatter the windows this morning, while I sipped my coffee.  I splashed puddles on my way to work, momentarily forgetting dignity or consequences, reveling in the sheer joy of weather, and wonder, and fun.  I am undeterred by a handful of rain drops.  😀  I’m nearing the starting line, too.  Once my work day ends (around 5 pm), I’ll double-check my camera (fully charged this morning), and be on my way.

I am getting a late start, but I haven’t changed my mind.  So, here’s the route I’m taking, a well-lit, well-paved, orderly 3.2 suburban miles along the edge of light industry; a ‘walking meditation’ contemplating the connections between where I work, and where I live, and exploring change (it’s not a common route for me to take, and there’s a lot going on):

3.2 miles

3.2 miles

See you on the other side…

…I so wasn’t kidding about that. 😀  It’s later now, and I’m warm and dry and waiting for a pizza delivery, listening to ‘house music’ and relaxing while Autumn’s furor continues to rage outside.  It didn’t just rain… it rained with a drenching ferocity that dares me to use some trite worn metaphor. lol.

It began simply enough, with a first step.

More damp than daunting. lol

More damp than daunting. lol

I took some more steps after that, and I got in some pictures when I could, concerned with getting my little camera wet, initially…

Debris strewn sidewalks challenge my balance.

Debris strewn sidewalks challenge my balance.

I stopped worrying so much about the rain on my camera, when it became clear that I needed to attend to the fallen branches promising a serious misstep to the inattentive – there’s a metaphor in there, I’m sure of it.

Soon, wet feet were a much bigger deal than wet  weather!

Soon, wet feet were a much bigger deal than wet weather!

I learned the value of dry socks in the Army. I even keep an extra pair in my desk at work. My feet were soaked within a few minutes of starting out, when I carelessly misjudged my effort to step over a puddle crossing a street, and I spent much of the rest of the walk thinking about getting home to a hot shower and clean dry socks.

So many puddles!

So many puddles!

There’s a lot to be said for being out in nasty weather, cold, wet to the skin, and uncomfortable, for really putting hot running water, clean dry clothes, and a pizza-on-the-way high on my list of things to be happy about.

A suburban wilderness along the way.

A suburban wilderness along the way.

So many quiet hidden places to see, flashes of something other than industry and residence, between expanses of hedge, or wall, or fence. The rain came down so hard for much of the walk that it was impractical to take some of the pictures I’d have enjoyed sharing with you.

Closer to home, I head around a rainy bend.

Closer to home, I head around a rainy bend.

As I neared the end of the walk, my pace quickened, and the rain came down harder, and the wind blew my hood down.

Autumn leaves, and wind-tossed trees nearing the finish.

Autumn leaves, and wind-tossed trees nearing the finish.

I didn’t care at all.  Hood down, head up; I walked on – and possibly with a huge grin, because my face hurts like I have been smiling all day.  This. Was. Fun. So much fun. The rain didn’t matter.  Whether or not I took pictures didn’t really make a difference in the grander scheme of things.  I did this, because I can now – it was a very good experience. That matters. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a nice enough morning, I guess. I slept rather restlessly, woke a couple of times, and the alarm seemed to come too soon. The headache of yesterday is little more than a dull reminder of my human frailties, lurking in the background this morning. My arthritis is kicking my ass, though.  As I sit and contemplate the imminent dawn, a downpour begins, hammers on the skylights, and passes on. I feel a little cross and out of sorts, without reason – unless pain is reason enough. Is it? lol

I’m okay. Neither wildly excited about the day, nor truly discontent; I sip my latte unenthusiastically and watch the minutes tick by quietly. My thoughts lack focus or theme. I am letting my consciousness coast, and observing the comings and goings of my thoughts.  This is, as yet, a raw and unformed day; it could go a number of ways, and there’s no obvious tendency or trend, yet. This, by itself, is very interesting… I’m not sure I’ve ever been aware of this sort of moment before.

This morning, each breath is a beginning, and a pause, a moment of its own. I wonder where the day will take me?

Wherever the journey leads, it is mine.

Wherever the journey leads, it is mine.

Autumn arrives.

Autumn arrives.

Autumn is my favorite season, generally. Today really felt like fall.  The morning started with a gentle drizzle, and I was cozy wrapped in my fleece hoodie, out of the closet for the first time since spring turned to summer.  It was a lovely walk to work, and a chance to stop here and there to see the fall flowers along the road and in the meadow along my way.

...Here...

…Here…

,..and there.

,..and there.

Hints of fall are all around, leaves turning colors in colder places, and various fruits and berries and hips, rosy red in the morning chill.

rose hips

rose hips

There’s not much to say beyond this.  It’s been a very good day.  Today it is enough.

 

 

It’s morning, but not yet dawn. No hint of light on the horizon, yet. My latte is hot, and as close to my idea of perfect as I have ever made. The house is quiet. I’ve managed thus far without a hint of doubt, insecurity, or anxiety, which is lovely.  There seems less to say on such a morning. I am certainly less inclined to ‘figure it out’. 🙂

A dear friend recently married. He’s the monogamous sort, and smart, caring, and good-hearted. I hope it turns out well for them.  I’ve certainly had an assortment of experiences with marriage, and my thinking on it as evolved over a lifetime. No soap boxes this morning; there is room for every person’s experiences here. 🙂

I’ve had quite a wonderful few days with one of my partners, while the other visited a far away friend.  The company we keep defines a large piece of our experience, doesn’t it? Well… it does seem to for me.  Great friends, positive people, people who ‘get me’, lovers who adore me, partners who support and value me, these are the people who generally fill my days – certainly they are who I seek for that purpose. lol.  Now and again I find myself in the company of people who are bitter, wounded, angry, negative, contrary, sarcastic, or hurtful.  Those are very different experiences.  Sometimes they are the same people. lol. Human primates are fascinating and complicated in all their variety. 🙂

I am thinking of the airport, the good morning kiss of my love lingers on my lips; he decided on going back to bed before he ever really woke, and already I miss him.  I’d have probably started chattering away about airports and people watching if he’d stayed up.  I wonder if he knew? lol  I am entertained sufficiently by my thoughts, musing about people traveling, and how they behave in airport terminals.  I find myself wondering why people don’t dress up to travel much anymore? It isn’t something that ‘matters’, it’s just a stray thought passing through. My mind rarely really rests.  I’ve found so much calm in meditation.  I’m learning to ‘give my brain a rest’. It probably needs it.

Discontent at work seems far away in this moment.  Small things that annoy me seem minuscule and irrelevant.  It’s a lovely quiet morning and for now the successes far outweigh the failures, and the wonders beat the challenges, no question.  It’s a nice perspective.