Archives for category: health

What Have You Done for You Lately?

November 14, 2021 //

This morning I did something for myself; I took the time to sit with my thoughts, just sipping coffee, enjoying the morning as it unfolded, moment by moment. Meditation. Reflection. Time spent with the woman in the mirror, while my Traveling Partner did his own thing in another room. No agenda. No pressure. No urgency. Just a woman, her thoughts, a great cup of coffee, and a couple leisure hours spent just “hearing myself think”. There’s a real chance I don’t do this often enough – it felt that good, just letting the thoughts come and go, random, sometimes loosely connected, other times not connected at all. Ideas, plans, whimsical notions – all coming and going like fluffy clouds on a mild Spring day. Time well-spent. I feel centered and calm. It’s nice.

I went on to do a bit of housekeeping, which is my usual routine on a Sunday. Re-arranged the bedroom that functions as a library and quiet chill-space; the curtains being added not only make the room very quiet, but they also provide an opportunity to really see the space quite differently. Moving things around may create a bit of chaos during nocturnal wanderings, until I’m used to where everything is now. The changes free up considerable space in the room, and the arrangement seems to make more sense in some ways (perhaps less so in other ways). It’s nothing of real consequence, but the day feels productive as a result.

My emotional wellness and mental health don’t do quite as well if my environment becomes very messy or chaotic. However much I attempt to make excuses for some small pile of paperwork, or stack of boxes in a corner, it’s very clear that these are details that really matter, and can become an impediment to being able to really thrive. Emotional self-sufficiency, in this case, demands real-world effort, and tackling the basics weekly fits decently well into my work schedule. I’m not always up to it – and that makes it doubly important that I don’t slack on the weekends that I’m physically able to work through the tasks on my “to do list”.

This weekend? I’m glad I took a long weekend. I’m in a lot of pain with the autumn weather (chilly and rainy) taking over, and being able to spread out a fairly long list of shit to do over 4 days instead of cramming it into 1 has really been something to appreciate this weekend. I’m probably already more or less “done”, for the day. Oh, there’s more shit on my list… I’m just not up to it. I’m done. The work? Not so much. I want to hold out enough in reserve to help my Traveling Partner with a household upgrade he had planned to do tomorrow, but might get to this afternoon; it’ll be helpful to know there’s an extra pair of hands at the ready, even if he doesn’t really need my help at all.

I guess the point, today, is that I’ve made a pretty consistent practice (today) of choosing to do some things specifically for me. Emotional self-sufficiency isn’t something I just “fell into” with any ease; I really have to work at it. In the abstract I don’t think of myself as a “people pleaser” at all (honestly? I’m “kind of a bitch”, I sometimes think, in spite of being steadfast about being considerate of other people, and I’m sort of “prickly” in interactions with strangers)… I definitely struggle to set healthy boundaries or communicate my limitations clearly and gently with loved ones. I’d ideally like to meet all the needs… do all the things… be there any time that would be helpful… and I’m just not able to do all of it, all the time. I hope to reliably do my best.

I hear my partner stir from his game. It’s quite likely time to begin again. 🙂

Tags begin again, emotional self sufficiency, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being

Untitled Reverie

November 4, 2021 //

I am sitting comfortably with my discomfort, this morning. Stuffy head. Arthritis pain. Headache. The coffee is good, though, and I sip and smile; each sip brings back the recollection of the handy tool my Traveling Partner made for me. My coffee-making is improved with its use, and I am reminded every morning that I am loved. 🙂 It’s nice.

A small wooden tool for scraping the fine coffee grounds clinging to the inside of the grinder’s receptacle; no more stale grounds mixed with fresh!

This morning I am making a point to simply enjoy this moment. Quiet morning. A few relaxed minutes of self-reflection and writing before work. A good cup of coffee. I made coffee for both of us (my Traveling Partner and I are both up), and took mine into the studio for this quiet moment. I am considerate of how uncomfortable I am to be around when I hurt this much. I need that chill time, too. It’s good for me, and I’ve been sort of falling down on that, for myself. So.

My Traveling Partner pops in for a moment with kind words and loving touches. He rubs my neck, finding that particular section he knows is the worst of it. He is kind and encouraging. We both recently found renewed interest in VR (a fun source of indoor exercise when the weather turns crappy, as it has), and he comments as he leaves the room his hope that more/other exercise may help my neck. He’s not critical, nor nagging; we’re both aware that although my injuries and pain aren’t caused by my general lack of “fitness”, they’d reliably be at least somewhat eased by improvements in my fitness (and in some cases potentially resolved). That’s just real. I know it, too, because I’ve lived this experience and I’m okay with the truth of it. Sometimes that’s uncomfortable. Truth often is.

I sigh out loud and notice the creeping chaos on the fringes, around me. I notice that I’m slouching and pull myself back upright. I notice the unevenness of my shoulders, and relax them. I take a deep, full breath, noticing how much room for it there is in my lungs. I give a moment of thought to the day ahead; we’re almost out of coffee, and I wonder if there is time in the day to run up to the roaster that has the beans we enjoy the most – before tomorrow morning.

I find myself thinking about reality vs virtual reality vs video games vs watching tv, and chuckle to myself unsurprised to remind myself again that if I spent even half the time I spend watching video content on tv just doing things – any active things – I’d be in much “better shape”, generally, and probably “have my shit together” ever so much more. I mean, I do okay. I’m not being cruel to myself on a Thursday morning, I’m simply aware that effort exerted is results achieved. I think back on recent video content… something to do with conscientiousness, something else about focus, something about habits… I feel fortunate to live at a time in human history when it is so easy to educate ourselves, and to feast upon knowledge.

…As a female human being, even in the 21st century, there are places in the world where I would not even be permitted an education at all. I sip my coffee and reflect on that grim truth for a moment.

My eye wanders to the wee clock at the bottom right of the screen in front of me. It’s almost time to start the work day. Another chance to begin again. Today, I’ll make a point of balancing the doing and the being, and do my best to be both active and self-aware. In this much pain, that’s a big goal. I’ll do my best. I’ll use some verbs, one moment at a time.

Tags arthritis pain, be here now, be kind, begin again, content consumer, doing my best doesn't always feel like what I think my best must be, it's only pain, Oculus Quest, pain and pain management, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, read a book, take a walk, taking care of me, TBI, there are verbs involved, vr

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

Time, Times, and Timing

October 22, 2021 //

It’s hours past my coffee. Nearing the end of a busy day, actually, and even my bottle of water is empty. The rootbeer my Traveling Partner brought me at lunch time, long gone. The enthusiasm of the morning hours has given way to afternoon pain and fatigue. I’m alright. I’m barely bitching, just noticing.

Have I run out of words? Maybe, maybe not. Certainly, the cadence of my writing routine has changed rather a lot. It’s more a weekly thing these days.

…I’m so tired at the end of each day… I could write in the evenings, but rarely have the energy for it, cognitive or otherwise.

The font on this draft looks peculiarly small. I find myself wondering what combination of key strokes I may have struck to reduce the size of the font, or perhaps change the resolution of the window, or browser tab. It keeps me wondering, half-curious, half-annoyed. I struggle to let it go, which leads me to wonder what I’m really fretting over in the background… how could it be something this fucking dumb?? I shrug that off, make a sipping motion with my empty water bottle (I had already forgotten in was empty, and picking it up was reflexive).

I begin again.

…And then again.

…And still another time, never quite getting traction on my restless “monkey mind”. The weekend is almost here. Next week I’m out of town on business, and sort of excited about it. I’ll pack on the weekend, Sunday, maybe, fitting it in between the routine housekeeping tasks.

…I’m still super tickled by the robot vaccum my partner encouraged me to buy. It saves me so much work and expended energy, and yields such a lovely tidy result. Worth the expense. I honestly wasn’t sure it would be.

I guess I’m just admitting to myself that at least for now, I’m likely a weekend writer. You should know too, eh? Of course, knowing me, just saying so will kick my brain into high gear with all manner of inspiration for writing. It is, sometimes, the way of things to be contrary to plans or expectations. lol

The holidays are just ahead. I’m feeling the season this year, but also have no elaborate plans or grand expectations – just some cozy romantic connected time at home with my partner. Some holiday baking. Some holiday feasting. Some small amount of gift-wrapping. The tree – always the Giftmas tree. I wonder when I will become too old, or frail, or tired for that? Ever?

…I’m suddenly feel a blue moment of emotion wash over me. Loss. Loved ones no longer here to celebrate with. Family and friends far away, or out of touch. It is a poignant little moment of sorrow, painful, and personal, and shaped of tears and lingering heartache. I let the tears fall. I know this feeling is fleeting. It comes and goes with the times. Apparently now is a time for a few sad tears over severed connections. It’ll pass. It’ll pass sooner for having been felt, acknowledged, and given room to exist. I take a breath and let it go.

It’s already time to begin again.

Tags begin again, emotional self sufficiency, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, loneliness, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

October 10, 2021 //

Weird few days. Headaches. Neuralgia. Vertigo. Not my best experience, honestly, but I’m fortunate to have it in the context of being loved and supported, so… there’s that. It could be so much worse. I hold on to that and sip my coffee. Sunday morning. Low key day to chill and get some housekeeping done, gently, patiently, and with self-compassion and respect for my present limitations. I can do this. 🙂

“Doing my best” is a slippery construct, sometimes, and I’m often hard on myself when I fail to live up to my own expectations – which are sometimes higher, sometimes lower, that the expectations other have of me may be. Very human. I don’t “look unwell”, generally. I’m going about my business, often smiling, probably seeming relatively relaxed. It’s an appearance. I put almost as much effort into “being okay” as I do into getting shit done when I’m not entirely okay. I don’t guess that’s a requirement, it’s just something I’ve tended to do. Admittedly, it doesn’t always serve me well, but it does tend to improve shared experiences, mostly. It has the major drawback, though, of routinely putting people in the position of expecting more of me than I may be up for. I think about that as I sip my coffee… how to balance “transparency” and openness with staying positive, and enjoying life every minute I can… it’s tricky.

I listen to the rain fall. It’s not “my” rain. It’s not actually raining this morning. It’s a video of rain, soothing and beautiful.

My Traveling Partner has been kind and helpful, and maintained considerate awareness of my current health concerns. It’s hard to keep those things in mind, I know. We had a great day out and about yesterday, a rarity in the pandemic to go out at all and together has been rarer still. Yesterday was fun, and also exhausting. We napped after dinner for awhile, and enjoyed a relaxed quiet evening of videos later. I smile every time I think of some detail of yesterday. Good time together.

I’m trying to stay out of the news feeds. I’m frustrated by that. I enjoy reading. I value being “current” on important affairs. The news industry has become so tainted by social media practices chasing likes, clicks, views, engagement, and ad revenue that I don’t get much positive value from reading the news. Repeats of repeats of shares of Twitter quotes masquerade as “news”, with click-bait headlines and thumbnails that often have no relationship at all to the material in the article is not a useful way to stay in touch with the world; it just drops of fuck ton of emotional baggage on me in my own living room. I’m very much over it. It’s not good for my emotional wellness, and life is too short to waste it in that way.

I am already thinking about the holidays. How best to spend limited holiday funds is on my mind. What does my partner truly want, really need – what would delight him on a Giftmas morning? (Yes, dammit, I’m thinking about Giftmas already. I blame big-box home improvement chains, but also? I plan ahead and with the postal service being slowed down intentionally, I don’t think I should wait until December to order anything that would need to be delivered.) Something big? Something small? Blow all the funds on a single item? Several somethings? Something practical? Some luxury doo-dad he might not buy for himself but would enjoy? (I mean, “luxury” is relative, obviously – there is no sports car on this list, no diamond cuff-links, no Saw-Stop table saws; all of that it entirely out of reach, for now, but there is no shortage of smaller luxuries left to consider.)

…And “what about me”? What do I want for the holiday? What I’ve got, really. A bit more of that, a bit easier, a bit more relaxed, more laughter, more smiles, more hugs, more loving… I’m at a weird unsettling place in my life where more good exists than bad, more comfortable moments than uncomfortable ones, trauma being healed rather than inflicted, and generally, day to day, enough of all that I need to thrive. I often feel a bit of a jerk when I’m having a rough go of things (emotionally or physically) because of that; it seems unreasonable to struggle when things are so generally good, you know? That’s what got me thinking about “taking it easier on myself” and being kinder to the woman in the mirror. Treating myself badly because it “doesn’t seem right” to have a rough time with something in the context of a good life only leads me down the path toward treating others similarly poorly. Not helpful. This year? I want a kind, loving, genial, tasty, joyful holiday characterized by appreciation of the small details and shared experiences that make is so warm and wonderful. It’s the sort of gift that requires my own effort and consideration as much as anyone else’s. That’s okay with me, too.

Seems a good day to tidy up, and maybe to bake something. It’s certainly a lovely moment to begin again.

Tags be kind, be the change, begin again, communication, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, start with you, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, use your words, what matters most?, you don't say?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Words About Things (and Stuff)

June 30, 2021 //

This particular blog post is about several things that are more than a little interconnected, but probably also entirely coincidental, and more likely still? I may not actually ever get around to mentioning any of those details in any specific way, because I’ve got this headache “peering over my shoulder” and distracting me. I sip ginger ale in a dark room. My tinnitus is louder than my computer, and I double-check to “see that it’s on” and laugh, immediately realizing how fucking dumb that actually is; I’m at the keyboard, writing. God damn this headache makes me fucking stupid. 0_o How annoying.

I’ve been very introspective these past few days. June 25th has some gravitas these days – the anniversary of my Mother’s death. It’s also got some serious joy – the anniversary of buying our home (we did not select the date). “Mixed emotions” doesn’t even come close to explaining where this put my head these last few days, as we approach the 1st anniversary of the date we actually moved into our home. So many boxes! Last year, all of the days between those dates were midst the COVID-19 pandemic, in the early months of “the lockdown”… strange to discuss it in months, but here we all are. I write a few more grim sentences, then remember I honestly don’t know enough to legitimately have an opinion of some of these things. I delete them, and let my mind wander.

It was hot this week. Like…intensely bold-red-text-heat-warning hot. No kidding. It was… Phoenix hot. Fresno hot. Death Valley hot.

Fortunately, it cooled off quite a bit day by day. It was so hot I couldn’t think. Writing would have put more heat into my studio, so I kept it to the minimum needed to work, and then shut everything down. My Traveling Partner and I mostly sat around bitching about the heat, keeping the things as cool as we could, in darkened rooms, drinking water. Is it weird that my recollection of those hot days is pretty pleasant? I enjoyed my partner’s company when I wasn’t working, and I’ve no memory of discord or fussing at each other. We were a team fighting a common “enemy” – the heat. We were armed with ice cream and humor. LOL Much fun was had by all. I mean… that’s how I remember it.

Memory is weird. I’d link a particular song that comes to mind…but I can’t remember the title… and then, when I do, I can’t find a link to it… I’m no longer sure I’m remembering it correctly, at all.

…On the other hand…I clearly remember exactly what a summer night in Maryland smells like, how it sounds, how the humid air clings relentlessly to sweat…

Memory is weird.

…I had forgotten how much I like ginger ale…

I sit quietly awhile, just listening to my tinnitus and sipping ginger ale. I could do without the headache that persists in hanging out with me. I rub my neck and remind myself it won’t last indefinitely – what ever does?

…Wow. That went downhill fast. LOL

It’s summer, I guess, for real. Hotter summers now, that seems clear. The summers definitely were not this hot 10 years ago (and more recently than that, Portlanders could be heard making jokes about “June-uary”, because summer didn’t really arrive until July). My garden didn’t die this year, when the heat came; my Traveling Partner set up a simple drip irrigation system for me. My tomatoes did not seem to suffer with the heat at all, quite the contrary; I think we’re going to have “too many tomatoes”. LOL Win. 🙂

This headache, though…

Time to begin again.

Tags be here now, drink water, home sweet home, it's too hot, MBSR, memory is weird, mixed emotions, One year later, pandemic life, practicing the practices, record-breaking heat, taking care of me

Categories Brain Injury, breathe, gardening, gratitude, grief, health, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Summer, The Art of Being

What Have You Done for You Lately?

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Untitled Reverie

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Time, Times, and Timing

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Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

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Words About Things (and Stuff)

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