Archives for category: Logic & Reason
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The ‘Big 5’ for the Win!

April 4, 2013 //
1

I mentioned recently that I am focusing on 5 basics (The Big 5) for building healthier relationships.  I’m not sure quite what else to say… ‘Eureka!’ seems closest, but a bit grand.  I’m just having an amazing morning of love and connection and the delights of family and friends, and it has a lot to do with being mindfully involved with those Big 5: Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness.  No fooling…I’m not bragging, for clarification, or trying to sell something (not even an idea), I’m just quite taken by surprise.  I’ve taken only the first steps on the path of learning to treat myself and others well, and I’m so new at keeping a meditation practice that really benefits me, and even simple ‘mindfulness’ is wrapped in reminders and constant practicing…I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with the concept of something so new, at which I am admittedly so unskilled, being so incredibly… helpful? Effective? Valuable? I get so excited about feeling this balanced and calm… more than once I have found myself losing that sense of balance solely because I’ve gotten so excited about it. lol.

There have been some ups and downs the last few days; love requires maintenance, effort, and commitment.  I have done my very best to stay focused on treating myself well… and my Big 5.  I practiced respecting my own values, and  needs – and found that it was much easier to respect my lovers, too.  I gave some thought and attention to what I could be doing to improve the reciprocity in my relationships, and found that even where things were not at a 1:1 level of reciprocity, that life feels more balanced over all, and the sense of ‘sharing the load’ is more definite.  I gently reminded myself of what I enjoy that feels considerate, and practiced those things with others, as well as really listening to what my friends and lovers say that communicates what feels considerate to them, and practiced those things, too.  When moments were challenging or stressful, I practiced treating myself well; understanding that other people’s stress affects my PTSD and causes me anxiety – and accepting myself, and my experience, and giving it room to be what it is, without making it worse by freaking out about whether it is ok to have the feelings I have.  I practiced staying focused on the things I enjoy doing in the moment, and really ‘being present’ while doing them, without indulging in non verbal demonstrations of stress or anger.  I found that treating myself with compassion resulted in a profoundly improved ability to feel compassion towards others, and an improved willingness to express that.  I struggled some with being open, finding it requires a level of vulnerability that is a little scary sometimes, especially under stress, but I kept practicing, kept focused on my own desire to be stronger and more skilled in this area, and the results were telling.  I felt balanced and calm, in the face of occasional stress. I got enough restful sleep. I made good decisions and choices that enhanced my experience without hurting others.

Today, I enjoyed the morning with my partners; good meaningful conversation, love, connection, and really being there with each other.  The walk to work was gentle, mindful, and enjoyable…and I am finding that occasional real life hurdles, stressors, and weirdness, don’t have to ruin my experience, wound me, or be tragic.  It’s quite lovely to feel…calm; to be in love on a gray Thursday, to feel loved and eager to return home, to feel tempted to daydream about all the pleasures life and love offer, instead of compelled to brood on pain and suffering.  😀

There is no report card, trophy, or award.  I’m not crossing any finish lines, or completing any coursework.  I’m still a student of life and love.  I’m still learning, still practicing.   Today, that all feels very good, and very satisfying.  It’s a good Thursday.  😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words

It isn’t always easy…sometimes it is.

April 1, 2013 //
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Yay!  Today is going so smoothly…which, historically, would not be the case after a night of limited sleep, of poor quality, with plenty of wakeful moments, and waking well before my alarm and not getting back to sleep afterward.  I did try to go back to bad after waking around 3:45am…but the alarm goes off at 5am, and I know that, and so do my brain and my body. Sleeping more wasn’t super likely, and it seems I got enough real rest to get by on.  It helped that the small challenges of the weekend didn’t leave me in any sort of residual funk.  My partners were up in the wee hours, too.  We hung out together for a few minutes, and one by one we all went ‘back to bed’.  I didn’t sleep, but it was time well spent in meditation, and even gave me a couple of opportunities to practice some of the new things I am learning about managing my anxiety through self acceptance, and mindfulness; when the anxiety began to rear its head this morning, as I lay in the darkness, it seemed less…real.  I accepted that I have those feelings of anxiety, and I allowed myself some compassion for having to endure some of the negative messaging that plagues me (plagues us all, I’m sure), and simply sort of turned over those words and ideas, and tumbled them around a bit for a better look, without judging them, or even buying into them as being at all ‘valid’ ‘accurate’ or ‘real’… I mean, seriously? They’re thoughts. I can create anything with thoughts, even things I know damned well are not real, so, this morning, my anxious thoughts had no power over me, and went away without even grumbling very much in the background.  😀  That was delightful, and not expected or demanded – I’d have been content to simply accept myself, and coast awhile until the alarm went off.  Instead, I found myself relaxed and calm and quite serene when I rose with the beeping of the infernal alarm…and it’s a lovely day.

I took a few moments this morning, too, to consider my Big 5 of yesterday’s post…I focused on each for a moment or two, asked myself ‘what can I do today to honor this particular quality in my relationships?‘  For a moment I broke out in a cold sweat…and that anxiety started creeping in around the edges.  When I realized I felt intimidated by taking a chance on doing something I think, myself, is the right thing to do, I took a few deep breaths, considered the qualities I am working to improve, master, enhance, experience… it suddenly mattered much less that I feel unsure of myself, and much more important that I do my best to do what feels right.  😀   I am learning to take care of me, and as I get better at that, I find I am more easily able to treat my lovers well, too.  That’s very exciting!

‘Consideration’ is a tough quality to define… and it is one of the most important ones, I think, for living harmoniously with others.  I keep thinking about how difficult it was to Google it and get a clear definition, or something relevant that seemed also unarguable… so, on this one, I am going to have to figure out quite specifically what that means to me, and how to share that information, and also figure out what my lovers need from me in the way of being treated well, and with consideration.  The stack of lesson plans in the school of life and love doesn’t seem to get any shorter… and that’s ok.  I expect to be attending this school all my life.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words

Headaches and Harmony

March 31, 2013 //
11
No lack of harmony in the garden.

No lack of harmony in the garden.

I’m thinking about relationships today, and love, and harmony. It may not be my best choice of subject matter with this killer headache, but I needed a break from learning Baldur’s Gate , which is what gave me the headache!  Video games in any format tend to be really tough for me to learn, and I don’t get pleasure out of pushing my frustration level higher, so until pretty recently I did not bother with video games; too hard for me to learn, no fun.

The TBI changes my perspective on a number of things, and learning games, or building any skills that are impaired to the point of pushing me to the point of real frustration when I try to do things I’m not good at, seems really important now…  Changes in perspective, choices, and mindfulness (even in games), make a huge difference for my enjoyment of difficult things.  Relationships, though, are not games… still plenty of skill building potential, but even when delightful and harmonious, game-playing is not to be encouraged. lol.  The tutorial got me thinking, though, about the basic building blocks to learn a game, the prerequisite skills and concepts that are a necessity before I could even attempt game play… I know people who game ‘straight out of the box’, never bothering with the tutorials, never risking plot spoilers by reading the back stories, or doing any research.  Some of them are amazing gamers.  I also know gamers who carefully read the reviews before buying a game, read the ‘rules’ and back stories, watch some video walk-throughs of tougher sections of game play, maybe even watch someone else play before they take it on (and many of them play the game on ‘easy’ the first time). (Damn, wouldn’t it be nice if there was an ‘easy setting’ we could use for’ our first relationships?) Some of those gamers are also quite amazing.  Is there a right way?

Well, hoping to avoid taking a metaphor too far, but with relationships, I don’t think there are short cuts that are worth taking…but I’m only talking about my own experience, realistically.  I do need to hone my basic skills, and knowing that, it seems  important to figure out just what I think those basics are… not the fancy stuff; I mean the absolute ground level must-have approach, skill, or method for me, as an individual – the one I actually am – to succeed in my relationships.  It meshes nicely, as thinking goes, with approaching my relationships mindfully, as well as the general requirement to ‘take care of me’.  (Ah, adulthood…complex, exciting, frustrating, rewarding, and… ongoing.   Still, ‘ongoing’ certainly tends to imply there’s time to work on this stuff…although I’ve already muddled through 49 years without a clear ‘success story’.)  Most of my relationships are… challenging.  For me, for sure… for people daring to love me…I can barely imagine the sort of committment that requires, or how difficult that must be.

Building blocks… basics… it isn’t likely to be the same for other people, but I know what my own ‘big 5’ are… qualities, characteristics, or skills that I think are an absolute must for a healthy long-term relationship:

That’s it.  I think mastering these makes it a pretty good bet that a relationship based on those fundamentals will do well.   Sure there are other things that are important – communication, an essential, is the first thing that comes to mind – but I am finding, lately, that mutual respect,  reciprocity, consideration, compassion and openness generally result in good communication (or require learning good communication skills to achieve in the first place).  I could also note that having basically compatible values is pretty critical, but I think the ‘big 5’ I listed would likely prevent me investing heavily in a relationship with someone with seriously incompatible values, and the process of finding that out would be less painful than some other tried and true methods I’ve explored (like wishing, guessing, assuming, or playing make-believe about someone else’s values).

My current partners, and our exciting, wonderful, rich, affectionate, complicated, sometimes challenging, nurturing, mysterious, entangled, sweet, inviting, and evolving relationship(s) are certainly one of my most important sources of ‘life curriculum’! I could perhaps call it ‘my home room class in the school of life and love’ – no hyperbole required.  😀

No matter who the teacher is, we have to do our own homework.

No matter who the teacher is, we have to do our own homework.

…in spite of my headache, and occasional subtly unharmonious moments that quickly become part of the past, it’s a lovely spring day.  I’m not making a big deal about either the headache, or the sometime momentary lack of harmony.   I’m studiously maintaining my personal balance by practicing mindfulness, enjoying the sunny garden, and taking care of me by honing my skills on my ‘big 5’.   No matter what life throws my way, those are 5 qualities I value, personally, and cultivating them is worth my time and focus.

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Spring, The Big 5, Turning 50, women, Words

Trigger Warnings, and Fearless Flowers

March 28, 2013 //
4
Fearless Flowers

Fearless Flowers

Today feels strange. Mindfulness feels difficult. My heart wants to run away from home. I don’t mean to hurt inside. I don’t mean to ‘be bad’ or be broken or be less than I could be or to hurt unexpectedly over something good…but sometimes I do. Today, I am feeling incredibly grateful for the new trend toward providing ‘trigger’ warnings. I see more bloggers doing it, more documentaries that have them, more popping up here and there all the time. It’s a huge value add for survivors of trauma who still struggle with their pain in their ‘now’. I’d love to see more trigger warnings, because it can provoke hours or days (or weeks) of pain and emotional turmoil to be taken by surprise by a triggering event, or sound, or phrase, or experience…and if you are fortunate to have the emotional resilience that you just don’t understand what I’m talking about, please take a moment to appreciate that.  Me personally, I have several triggers that are pretty close to ‘everyday things’ – difficult to avoid, harder than hell to explain to someone else when it comes up. Some examples? Sure, why not – some of my triggers include the sound of footsteps on a hardwood floor outside a closed door, the sound of a loud aggressive knocking at the door, being awakened from sleep by a question, the sound of a woman screaming or crying, the sound of yelling from another house during the wee hours of the night, being prevented by another person from leaving a room, a hand being raised suddenly seen out of the corner of my eye, being asked to take off my glasses, excited unleashed dogs, being mocked when I am angry, seeing images of domestic violence, seeing images of torture… those are just the obvious things that occur to me without taking time to consider the question. There are more. I imagine it must be very tough to live with me.

People keep writing about rape. It keeps hurting me. Every time I read another article it re-awakens old pain, throws me off balance, leaves me vulnerable to a level of emotional volatility that carries a loss of dignity I can’t adequately describe, and pollutes my experience with fear. Fear sucks. Little girls are born fearless. The world, society, our cultures, our religions, and some very bad people take turns teaching them fear, by hurting them, by demeaning them, by continuing to infantilize them well into adulthood, by robbing them of free will, by reducing them as beings to physical bodies and demanding a standard of perfection that isn’t achievable, and by sending a pretty steady message that rape is their own fault.  By the time I was ‘an adult’ I wasn’t even sure any more what ‘consent’ meant for me, since it didn’t seem to me that saying yes or no was actually up to me at all, much of the time.  I definitely got the explicit message that nice girls don’t get raped, that choosing to be sexually active means anyone can have some, and that if I think I got raped I must have chosen the wrong clothes – and by the way, how can I put that man’s future at risk with such an allegation? That’s just not ok. Hell, I get angry thinking about it, and feel like I should apologize for that. It gets ugly in here, sometimes.

I keep dragging my feet on doing the paperwork for my MST claim… ‘MST’. What a relief! Conveniently I don’t have to say I was raped in the military! I can fall back on a politely sterile abbreviation that doesn’t force other people to think about my rape! I think I may be angry about that…but I don’t want to think about it, either.  I don’t want to think about any of it, and can’t figure out how to write about it without thinking about it…and certainly don’t want to acknowledge that mindfulness – which I am practicing and committed to – is the opposite of ‘not thinking about it’.  I don’t want any of this to be part of my experience, or part of who I am – I didn’t choose it, and I’m angry as hell every time I try to think about it, and that anger never seems to dissipate.  So…I’m looking at making reservations somewhere close to home, to hole up alone with my pain and my rage to write about rape.  I don’t know how else to approach it candidly, openly, accurately and with vulnerability, and not risk laying waste to the emotions and hearts of everyone dear to me while I do.

I need to be alone with my rape history.  That’s a hell of a thing.  The enormity of what is stolen from us when we are raped is hard to share.

Soon I’ll go to lunch with one of my partners, and this will fade into the background again, to be considered further later. Like it or not, even in the background, these experiences are part of who I am as a whole being.  I will keep practicing mindfulness, and perhaps someday the meaning and value of these things that hurt so much will be more clear, and maybe I will even move on from the pain and the rage.  I sort of have to, don’t I? It isn’t as if I can really talk about it.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, women

My Heart, My History

March 27, 2013 //
1

I’m in love. Have I mentioned that? It’s true.  Strangely, it hasn’t been a long-term state of affairs for me, but very little has. I’ve been in love for a couple of years, and I have partners who are beyond worthy of that affection.  Funny it has been such a short time in my life.  Consider this rose:

IMAG0341

Nozomi, (Onodera, Japan, 1968)

Not a great picture of her, but it’s early in the spring and there isn’t much going on with roses just yet.  This is Nozomi, a pale pink bud that opens white on a rambling, low ground-cover miniature type bush. She’s quite lovely in bloom, covered with pink buds, then white single blooms of 5 petals. She is also one of my longest ‘relationships’. lol. No kidding – I’ve had this rose since 1993. I purchased her as a young rooted cutting from Ralph Moore‘s Sequoia Nursery in Visalia, California at a very different time and place in my life. 20 years. I have no relationships with lovers, partners, or spouses with that kind of longevity, so far. I have very few friends who have been part of my experience for that long, and even family members with whom I am close have experienced vast stretches of lifetime without hearing from me at all.  Connecting is sometimes difficult for me, and I suspect I have not done justice to the efforts of those who have tried to love me…but somehow I have managed to drag this rose through 7 moves, 2, states, 4 career changes, 3 long-term relationships, 3 in-ground locations, 5 different pots, 3 balcony gardens, a community garden and 20 years…there’s a lesson or a metaphor there, I’m just sure of it. lol.

Yesterday was a festival of pain until quite late in the evening.  This morning feels like a different world.  I watched the spring closely as I walked in to the office this morning. I listened to birds singing. I smelled the fragrances of early blossoms opening along well manicured, landscaped walkways. I contemplated the impermanence of things, the passage of time, and what has remained of all the things that have been and wondered why so much of what I have clung to for so long has been all those things that hurt the most, instead of so many wonderful things that seem, instead, so fleeting.  I thought about spaces and moments I have loved most deeply, both for the relationships, and for the settings.  Some of my happiest moments have been in shared conversation with people dear to me, or interesting strangers. Connections. Words.

At home, I am creating a space for sharing conversations, and folding into it the understanding that being in a serene space often opens our hearts to being more vulnerable in our relationships, more candid in our conversations.  There are roses, and a ton of flowers, and a small bistro table and chairs for two, and every day I bring my loving heart to this space to consider what is next. I am eager to be there, sitting with a friend or lover, sharing a latte and a moment of quiet conversation, building my history out of happier building blocks; mindful, serene, and compassionate.

A quiet spot for conversation

A quiet spot for conversation

I’m more than a little embarrassed to realize that ‘the way I feel’ in the garden, that ‘different something’ that I’ve noticed all along…is mindfulness. Damn. How did I not understand to take it out of the garden and into my life? Well, no reason to be annoyed with myself about it now, it’s beyond me to alter what already exists in my history.  I am, however, eager to feel spring warm to summer and find myself with an iced coffee on the table, and next to me someone I love, sharing thoughts, and words, and continuing our history together.

As I said, I’m in love – and this morning, in my now, that feeling entirely includes how I feel about myself, my own heart, my own experience. I am an imperfect fragile vessel, and you will find my loving heart in the spring garden.

In the spring garden

In the spring garden

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Sleepless Nights, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words
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