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Raindrops and Moments

November 7, 2014 //
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I had a restless night and woke often. No reason for it that I know, and I wasn’t distressed by it or anxious about it. I got up a couple of times. I went back to bed, and to sleep, each time, too. My coffee this morning was exceptionally good, and I got the temperature ‘just right’, which in this case means that it was cooled off a bit before I clumsily spilled most of it over my desk, and into my lap. Aside from the vulgar exclamation that resulted from hot coffee unexpectedly landing in my lap, spilling my coffee didn’t distress me either.

I hadn’t planned to write this morning at all…the family is heading south for the weekend to attend a wedding. Work is such that I can’t also go, and I am home – when I’m home – for a solo weekend. I had planned to set aside my writing this morning and instead hang out with my traveling partner… I made coffee, and went to feed my fish and get my stuff together for the day, and called over my shoulder as I walked down the hall “I’ll be back in a few minutes…”. I got no verbal reply, but I don’t generally expect people to be skillfully verbal at that early hour, and pre-coffee (for coffee drinkers).  7 minutes later, I returned…to silence and the twilight of dimmed lights; my traveling partner had returned to bed. Right now, in this moment, that’s not a big deal at all, but my initial reaction of surprise could so easily have led to feeling hurt, or frustrated by the miscommunication, or perhaps I might even have slowly talked myself into feeling ignored, dismissed, or neglected. On his side of things, he could perhaps have chosen to return to bed, annoyed that I didn’t remain with him to hang out… or perhaps he was simply tired.  The variable nature of language, on top of our way of constructing our perspective of life and love from a combination of language and thought, puts us at grave risk of OPD – of causing ourselves pain by inventing drama, based on assumptions that haven’t been tested, expectations we haven’t shared, or words that we haven’t said out loud. I chose differently this morning.

Darkness and illumination, and a moonlit evening walk.

Darkness and illumination, and a moonlit evening walk.

Other than some spilled coffee, this morning is a lovely one. The night preceding it was wonderful and loving and connected and satisfying. There is enough coffee remaining to easily enjoy some minutes reflecting on the delicious moments of the prior evening. Do you ‘waste time’ daydreaming? Do you savor pleasant experiences, really reflecting on joy, pleasure, contentment, and the positive experiences you have? Does it feel like a waste of time to pause to really enjoy a moment? I’m noticing how much more generally rich and satisfying life is seeming to be day-to-day when I spend as much (or more) time simply enjoying what feels good, really giving those experiences my time and attention fully – thinking about the good times in great detail and lingering there in my recollection of my experience, rather than ruminating over what frustrates me, or troubleshooting what isn’t pleasant. I’m not saying there’s no value in ‘figuring things out’; we can’t easily change what we don’t understand, or so we’re taught (I have my doubts about that, now). It’s become clear to me over time, though, that I was investing far too much time and mental bandwidth in attempting to troubleshoot what didn’t work, wasn’t fun, or was frankly unpleasant or undesirable, without real success at changing it. I have learned that ‘change’ is a verb, and relies on both choices and actions, and doesn’t have much to do with how much time we think on the thing we wish to see changed.

Autumn from another perspective; a change of perspective has a lot of value.

Autumn from another perspective; a change of perspective has a lot of value.

If my character and state of being, generally, is my metaphorical ‘climate’ in life, and my moods and feelings are the ‘weather’… a single moment, however challenging, is little more than a raindrop, or a droplet of mist. Perspective is huge…and is a more significant part of my experience than any one drop of rain, by far. The time we spend mired in negative thinking, contemplating what doesn’t work, what hurts, what frustrates… well, that definitely generates some stormy weather, and if the science is right, it also has climate change potential.

Rainy days sometimes have rainbows.

Rainy days sometimes have rainbows.

Today is a good day to enjoy the weather, and to dance in the rain. Today is a good day to enjoy life guiltlessly*, whatever the challenges. Today is a good day to invest more time in what feels good*, than in what hurts. Today is a good day to change…the weather. 🙂

*Please note, neither of these statements is an endorsement of being a callous dick, or of treating other people poorly while pursuing one’s own agenda, or for undermining the well-being and success of others in order to gratify one’s  own short-term pleasures. Wheaton’s Law still applies, and compassion and kindness are still relevant, moment to moment; I’m just saying treating ourselves truly well is worth the time and effort, and can be comfortably balanced with treating others similarly well.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

The View From All This Perspective

November 6, 2014 //
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Losing weight – like growth and change – sometimes happens faster than my self-perception can keep up with. It’s a decent metaphor, this morning; I may not recognize myself, or treat myself well in the context of who I am, and find myself sort of stuck, treating me like some other person than this being, right here, now. Character, and qualities of self, can be difficult to see in a mirror, and the mirror of our relationships and associations is a bit of a fun house sort of mirror with everything reflected back being filtered through that persons experiences, expectations, and understandings of the world. The idea of a mirror completes this apt metaphor in this moment.

How accurate is a mirror, or a photograph, when time passes, and people change? I guess...as accurate as it ever was, and that's a matter of perspective.

How accurate is a mirror, or a photograph, when time passes, and people change? I guess…as accurate as it ever was, and that’s a matter of perspective. 

It’s important to pause now and then to take stock of who I am, now, what matters to me, and what I value. Fall seems like a good time for that; I can imagine the autumn leaves fluttering to the ground as misperceptions falling away. I can ask “who am I?” and comfortably answer the question without fear or panic these days. I enjoy that. [Warning: ‘I statements’ ahead…]

When conditions are right, growth happens; it may be necessary to make a point of noticing it.

When conditions are right, growth happens; it may be necessary to make a point of noticing it.

I like relationships in which I feel heard and considered. I thrive when I feel respected, valued, and encouraged as a person. I feel most motivated to commit emotion and effort, and to work at love, when the efforts feel reciprocal, and the investment – emotional, and otherwise – feels balanced. Reciprocity is important for love – at least, for my love, and so is equanimity. I favor openness, and gentle frank explicit communication – of needs, of boundaries, of limits, of hopes, of plans, of desires, of successes, of failures, of complaints, of fantasies, of values… of self. I prefer kindness and compassion to sarcasm and mockery. (Actually, I prefer kindness and compassion to a whole bunch of other things that crop up in relationships I’ve had.) I like pleasant homecomings, and easy departures. I prefer a relationship of equals. These are the qualities I seek in relationships – and not just by looking; I seek them by choosing, by building, and by being willing to acknowledge their lack. I practice them, too. Every day, every minute – sometimes with less success than others; I know to begin again in each new moment, and that practicing over time becomes being. I am learning not to compromise what matters most to me.

I like sex, too. Hell – I love sex; it’s been a very big deal for me for a very long while. It’s a basic need for human primates, and I associate the feelings that follow sex with love and romance. I’ve done it enough to know that without a connection that matters to me, sex isn’t worth the time spent, or the calories burned, at least not now that I understand there can be so much more to it than a copulatory act. I am learning not to compromise on that, too.

This is who I am. This is the way I love. These are the things I value in my relationships and in life.  I’ve come a long way to understand these things about myself, to acknowledge and respect my values, and to practice them with commitment, intention, and will. I’m still human, and I still err…right now, though, the view in the mirror is pretty okay with me.

One singular autumn moment in the company of my self.

One singular autumn moment in the company of my self.

Today is a good day to be who I am, and whether I am content with who I am and the journey I am on, or find myself lacking; no one can be me as well as I can. Every journey we take begins precisely where we actually are. Today is a good day to take a first step. Today is a good day to think on all the steps taken thus far. Today is a good day for contentment, and a good day to recognize the tremendous value we have to ourselves and our own experience.

Take care of you today; you matter. Be kind and compassionate to those around you; they matter, too. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, women, Words

Putting One Moment After the Other

November 4, 2014 //
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I woke up tired. I hear the sound of an unattended alarm clock going off, it’s been doing it’s thing now for about 10 minutes. I wonder if its owner is sleeping through it, or walked away having forgotten it was only snoozed, or… I’m sure there are other options in the gigantic database of possibilities and assumptions that makes up some portion of my brain. This  morning I only flip through them casually, and readily acknowledge they are all fictions until and unless one of them turns out to be ‘true’. There’s no assurance that any of them are true, ever, they’re just stories, generally. That’s what a lot of our experience is made up of – stories we tell ourselves.

I slept restlessly, and not very deeply. My arthritis kept me alert and uncomfortable much of the night, and I often found myself flexing my back repeatedly in my sleep – the way I did the night I broke it. The sensation wakes me again and again, feeling vaguely disturbed with the visceral reminder of that painful event. I’m okay, though, just a bit groggy and not very well-rested. No agita or weirdness to it, which is nice. I could do without the headache. I am still unsettled by daylight savings time, and it may take weeks before that isn’t a thing…until next fall. Spring doesn’t seem quite as bad, at least not in the abstract.

I had an interesting conversation with a young non-voter yesterday. She had suggested that voting seemed pretty pointless to her, and expressed her discontent with the way the nation is run. I pointed out that if the only people elected are old rich white guys, then choices, programs, and changes we get are limited to those favored by – and which favor – old rich white guys. We talked through the potential impact if ‘all the young people’ voted, or ‘all the women’, or ‘all the any-particular-uniquely-identified-demographic’ actually. It may have been a light bulb moment for her to realize that there is power in numbers – and the numbers always begin with one. It was an affirming conversation for me, too, but I find that conversations that end in favor of the opinion I have myself generally are. lol

Meditation didn’t quite shake off the irritability this morning; pain makes for a pretty irritating start to the day. My traveling partner sticks his head in the door and gives me a merry good morning greeting. He hears something in the tone of my reply and inquires what’s up. I admit to the pain frankly and simply and get a sympathetic smile and a good-natured “I’ll leave you alone…” It truly sucks on a level I lack language to express that a being so dear to me finds the only positive option on a morning like this is to keep his distance. I can’t fault his reasoning; it is the wiser course. It still sucks. I am grateful to know a love that respects my needs, even when doing so means distance. Love rarely walks hand-in-hand with reason, and I am privileged to love someone who makes that look easy, most days.

I hear the espresso machine grinding beans for shots that aren’t mine. It is a warm and comforting sound of hearth and home. The day begins.

I have no idea what these are... I find them festive and unexpected.

I have no idea what these are… I find them festive and unexpected.

Today is a good day for meditation, and taking time to nurture contentment. Today is a good day to manage pain with great care, and be mindful that I’m not alone in hurting. Today is a good day for sympathy, compassion, and kindness – sharing those doesn’t diminish the quantity on hand. Today is a good day to make good choices, and for harnessing my will to my values through my actions. Today is a good day to meditate more than I planned. Today is a good day to be kind to myself, because kindness kicks ass and I could use some as much as anyone. Today is a good day for perspective, and awareness, and consideration – but every day is, isn’t it? Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

Winners, Losers, & Mondays

November 3, 2014 //
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It’s the Monday before mid-term elections. I’m not sure what is the more important observation, that it is Monday, or that mid-term elections are tomorrow. Mondays are what they are, and the parents of the 50’s and 60’s dragging their hung over butts out of bed too early each Monday morning to drag themselves to jobs surrounded by chain-smoking coworkers, no doubt faced some nasty feeling Mondays back in the day. Considering the cultural changes – and there have been many, when I take a moment to look closely – result in the high likelihood that few Mondays these days are actually ‘that bad’ for most working adults; we still bitch about Mondays. It’s the first day back after the weekend for many folks, although not all, and I think if people were honest with themselves, Mondays are not really that big a deal – unless we’re making choices to make them suck, ourselves. I even know, first hand, a whole bunch of people who not only claim to enjoy their work – but actually no kidding seem to really dig what they do to earn a living, and approach it with great enthusiasm and a sense of fun. That’s pretty amazing – and certainly undercuts the whole ‘Mondays suck’ notion.

I work for a living. It’s a good job. I don’t mind it, generally, but in  principle I could take or leave ‘gainful’ employment. I’m a fan of the idea of ‘basic income‘, personally. Technology has come so far that it makes sense that there may be fewer ‘jobs’ – great! Ideally, couldn’t that mean that more people don’t have to work? More human beings could invest their time and effort in creative endeavors, in socially meaningful work that is often considered the sort of thing that ‘doesn’t pay the bills’, and even more thoughtful pursuits like research, philosophy, and writing could be undertaken by people who could not easily have dreamed so large before… a basic income socio-economic model could free humanity from the tyranny of struggling on minimum wage. Minimum wage jobs would become the ‘upgrade’ someone could take on – part-time, even – to improve their lot enough to be sufficient for them, personally, while writing that great American novel, or filming their movie, or getting their degree. Human beings would have a more level playing field in which to create, and grow, and thrive. It would make Mondays irrelevant, certainly. I’d love to see our culture mature to a point that it isn’t a loss of personal value to society to be without employment; to value people based on what they choose to do, themselves, with their time, and not put such high value on indentured servitude to the agenda of others.

Autumn raindrops

Autumn raindrops

Sorry. I’ll put the soapbox away now; it is, after all, a Monday. It’s also the day before election day. I hope you voted; it makes a difference, and although the difference you make with your one vote may be small (as small as one vote), it is significant beyond measure when you raise your voice, and make the effort. 🙂

Winners and losers abound in the discussion of the election drama unfolding this week. I’m bored with it already, not because I don’t value my role, and not because the measures up for consideration are without meaning or worth, themselves, but more because individual people so often tend to view elections through a lens of winners and losers. When a vote has a successful outcome – win or lose – the result is that life is better for more people than it was before. That’s it. Doesn’t matter if it is a ‘yes’ vote, or a ‘no’ vote, and it doesn’t matter whether a change is made – when it comes time to evaluate the win/lose of an election, only one things really matters to make that determination; is life better for more people? If not, I consider the election lost. Just my way of viewing it. I don’t find value in being emotionally invested in the specific yes/no outcome of an individual measure, much of the time. I definitely vote my values, and what matters to me – but I consider with great care the outcome for all. It matters.  Our laws ‘write the code’ for our social experience.

Patterns in nature and life

Patterns in nature and life

So much serious stuff. It’s Monday. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be a hater. Why invest the minutes of your precious mortal life in misery? Do you enjoy those feelings that much? It seems unlikely that you do. 😉

Yesterday was lovely. The travelers returned home much earlier than planned, and I welcomed them happily. We had a great time over an early supper, and watched a favorite movie. It was a chill fun evening, and a great homecoming experience. I love homecomings…they feel exciting, and connected, and joyful.

The occasional autumn flower

The occasional autumn flower

Today is a good day to relish a Monday. Today is a good day for perspective on what matters most, and that we are each having our own experience. Today is a good day for smiles, hope, and positive intentions. Today is a good day to feast our hearts on joy and delight, and to recognize the fundamental humanity of others around us. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, Words

Falling Back

November 2, 2014 //
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…On what works best for me.  I’m not even a little bit uncomfortable saying I sometimes choose poorly, or that I make mistakes, or that I ‘get it wrong’ sometimes, or occasionally hurt someone I care about, or behave thoughtlessly, or fail myself through my own inaction, or bad decision-making in the moment; I am human. I am quite human, actually, and I am human every day of my experience in life. Not one moment of my life have I been super human, extra-human, human-plus, or in any way beyond the reach of mortal limits, and mortal consequences. I even make spelling mistakes. 🙂

It is also true that every morning I awaken to a new day, and a new opportunity to be somewhat improved over the day before, in some small way, and to make better choices for myself, my family, and the world. Every morning, I get to start again. It’s sort of poetic, and very promising, and I find great encouragement in contemplating my experience of life from the perspective of a fresh start every 24 hours or so.

I’ve had the weekend solo, and I have been enjoying the moments of stillness, and relishing the subtly different choices I make in solitude. Sleeping and waking feel different when I am alone in the house, and I am silenced by the lack of others off which to bounce words. I find myself wondering if anyone but me is aware that I simply never ‘talk to myself’ out loud when I am alone…and I wonder, too, if that is true of other people who occasionally speak aloud to themselves. The realization that stray remarks made aloud, directed to no one in particular, only occur when I am in the relatively near presence of others is strange; I am immediately very intent on not ‘talking to myself’ any more, because I’m clearly not actually talking to myself. Remarks intended to be heard function best when made clearly, and directed in a specific and obvious way to the person we wish to hear them; that seems so obvious there is no point saying it, really, but there it is. Words. I like direct communication. Talking to oneself with the hope of being heard by others seems pretty… indirect. Like banging cupboard doors to communicate emotions, it also seems very inefficient, and vaguely dishonest somehow. I think I will give the practice up, and communicate with great care, and intent. (See paragraph 1; the success of any intended action is limited by my human-ness, and change requires a commitment to practice.)

This morning I woke much later than I usually would. I slept in. It was lovely. I think I could have slept in later, a rare treat, if it were not for the fuzzy family members waking me with a breakfast request called out in some sort of canine code from outside. I’m considerate of their experience as creatures; my sleeping in resulted in a late breakfast for them. I’m also considerate of my neighbors, who might also like to sleep in a bit longer. One woof reached my consciousness and my feet hit the floor seconds later. The fuzzy faces at the patio door were very eager to see me. Breakfast for them was followed by coffee for me, and my morning routine was thrown completely out of sequence. I was taking a moment to savor the relaxed morning, smiling about sleeping in ‘so late’ – past 8:00 am – and turned to look at the clock… damn it. I felt a bit disappointed that the change to ‘Daylight Savings Time’ resulted in sleeping in until only a bit past 7:00 am. Much less delightful, certainly less rare… and… also completely illusory. I slept the same number of hours, regardless, so it isn’t that it really matters. It just reminded me what a stupid idea I think Daylight Savings Time is. Seriously? What nitwit thought arbitrarily changing what time we say it is really has some positive benefit? It screws with so much small stuff, too… the timing on medications that are carefully timed, the valued habits that ensure the timing of tasks or events is correct, even our sense of placement in time is affected by this foolishness – and for what? No one gets a damned thing of value out of this head game we play twice a year in the U.S.

…I am easily annoyed when I am first waking up. It’s a true thing about me. I tend to be more emotionally reactive first thing in the morning.  It’s evidently true of many people. I generally practice yoga and meditation very early in my morning, often very soon after the alarm goes off. Doing that tends to insulate me from early morning emotional reactivity, and gives me a bit of a buffer, and more emotional resilience with which to face the start of the day. It’s very helpful practice.

The solo weekend ends today, both because the weekend will end, and also because later today the travelers return. Over my coffee I’ve made a list of things I’d like to get done before they return. I have given myself a compassionate moment of encouragement and acceptance, in advance, because it’s unlikely I’ll get everything on the list done. It’s a long list. I look at it from the perspective of taking care of me, and I cross off one or two things easily handled another day. I look at it again, and consider my family’s needs, too, and cross off a couple more things, and add something different, something that matters more to them than to me, but really matters a lot. I end with a list that doesn’t drive my anxiety, seems reasonable in general, and doesn’t require super powers to achieve with a couple of hours of organized effort. I’ll take care of the list, after my morning coffee, and then spend the day relaxing and enjoying the last of the weekend.

So many possible journeys. So many words to choose from.

So many possible journeys. So many words to choose from.

This weekend I decided to experience NaNoWriMo. I have, in fact, been assembling the threads of an idea, and like others that came before this one, it is gravely at risk of abandonment. This seems a fun way to keep it on track. 🙂 What about you? Where will today take you? Where will you take you? Today is a good day to take a journey that has been delayed. Today is a good day to pursue passion. Today is a good day to commit to something very desirable, and see it through to the end. Today is a good day to make use of will and intention in wonderful ways. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, Fiction, Free Will, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, The Big 5, Words
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