Archives for category: Love

My camping trip was thought-filled and peculiarly restful (of mind). Today, I’ll unpack the car and make sure camping clothes are laundered and gear is neatly packed for winter storage (I don’t do much cold-weather camping). These are the sorts of verb-laden basic tasks that are so easy to shrug off, but doing them – in spite of the effort required – makes so much difference when Spring returns!

Reflections as Summer shifts to Autumn, shades of green mingled with hints of rust and gold.

The more commonplace routine order of things resumes tomorrow. Monday. Funny… there’s no dread. No agita. No regret. No anxiety. Just… time to get to work. I mull that over, sipping my coffee. It feels good to find joy in work. I mean, work is work, and it’s doable without the joy, but… a lot less enjoyable. It’s proven to be worthwhile to work where I’m valued, to work where I enjoy the people working alongside me, to do work that uses my skills and that has at least some value in the world. It has become an element of good self-care (for me) to choose the work I do with some care. The first step on that path, it turned out, was learning to make it a choice.

…So… Autumn is here again at long last. How delightful! (Admittedly, I find things to love about all the seasons, but Autumn is probably my favorite.) Leaves are already changing. The weather is already cooling off. The rains are returning. I am reminded that I need to get into the garden… there’s work to be done there. Tomatoes to harvest. Cucumbers, too. Over-wintering greens to get into the ground. The question of whether to cover a portion of the garden with clear plastic or a cold-frame crosses my mind again. It remains, so far, unanswered. Some questions are like that.

I sip my coffee making a mental list… unpack the car, laundry, clean the camp fridge, maybe run some gear over to storage… oh, the gardening! I laugh at myself; mental lists (for me) go nowhere. I need to write things down. No shame in that; knowing my limitations and working around those comfortably is a useful skill. 😀

My Traveling Partner got a lot done while I was away. I came home to an upgraded OS on my tower and a tidy house. Not just that, he got to work with a neighbor and finished rocking in the narrow side yard on the side with the AC unit; it’s been a mess of weeds and hard to keep tidy, and too narrow a space to make much of. This will be more efficient and beautiful, with lower maintenance requirements. I can put more of my limited energy into the front garden. 😀

Where does this path lead?

It feels like a good day to celebrate small wins, and to feel wrapped in love. It’s a good day to be of service to hearth and home. It’s a good day to love and to make merry. It’s a good day to begin again.

Sometimes I still feel like I’m fighting uphill. Arguing with shadows. Spinning my wheels. Sometimes shit just feels too hard. Even (especially?) the stuff I think “should be” easy.

Fuck I am frustrated and tired. My head hurts. I just wanted…

… doesn’t matter, it didn’t go down like that. There’ll be other times, other moments, other chances. I just wasn’t expecting things to be so damned difficult in this particular instance.

I know, I know, there are practices to practice and I can begin again. Fighting back pointless stupid tears.

… Sometimes I just miss things that were once so easy…

Stay on the path. Your results will vary.

I woke this morning peculiarly unaware that I was tethered by my CPAP and airline to the machine perched on the bookshelf near the bed. It feels strange to have become so thoroughly used to this thing that is my “new normal”. I woke, showered, made coffee, and joined my Traveling Partner in the living room. After a handful of his observations about my “energy”, my facial express, my relative state of relaxation (or, more to the point, his perception that I was appearing tense in some way), I took my coffee into the studio to chill and wake up without encroaching on his chill time. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been awake long, himself.

After I have my coffee, I’ll most likely put on clothes more suited to the weather and go for a walk. Whether or not I have energy to burn, it’s a good practice, and contributes to my wellness. 😀

Pleasant morning so far. I eagerly did the pre-registration for my upcoming camping trip, and surprised myself that I’d reserved the space for one more night that I thought I had… I could go on Wednesday, if I wanted to (I do, but… work, money, expenses… etc etc etc; adulting is full of compromises). This does mean, though, however early I arrive on Thursday, my space will be ready for me to set up camp. 😀 I’m excited. The car is mostly packed and ready. I’m even taking the portable fridge and a small solar set up, and glamping in style, even planning to cook real meals (instead of my usual practice of snacking on grab-n-go whatever and eating freeze-dried backpacking meals)! I remind myself to check the air in the tires, and turn on the power to the portable fridge sometime on Tuesday so that it is cold and ready-to-go when I leave on Thursday morning. I probably won’t depart before dawn (though I easily could), but I’ll likely head out after morning coffee with my partner and some chill time together.

…I’m so excited about this trip…

I’ve got my gear together. I’ve got my camera, my sketchbook, my yoga mat, a book to read… and I definitely need this solo time. 😀 I sip my coffee and smile to myself; I’ve still got to pick up some grocery items for the trip, although some of what I need I’ve already got here at home. Preparedness feels very good.

…I think that last sentence over again, “Preparedness feels very good.” – It definitely does. How did I get here to this place where I’m mostly prepared for most of what I want or need to do, most of the time? Was it my survivalist-ish, prepper-y, upbringing? Was it the emphasis on self-reliance in crisis that I learned at home? Was it the Army and those Army ways and practices? Was it hard lessons learned in life over time? Was it this partnership that is so thoroughly grounded in practical means of supporting good quality of life over time? Probably all of that. It’s not something that’s out of reach for anyone else. It’s a matter of understanding what you want, what it takes, and ensuring the basics for those needs are generally available, or within reasonable reach. It takes time to get there. It takes self-reflection (because it can be astonishingly easy to slide from “prepared” to “hoarding”, and that’s not a good end result). It takes practice, and efficiency, and knowing what matters most. It takes patience. It takes a certain commitment of mind, will, and action. It’s not “all that”, though, and I suspect anyone could be “more prepared” if they choose to do so, and make the necessary actions common practices.

…An example? All summer long our camping gear is basically ready-to-go – we load it into our vehicle, pick up any desired perishables, and head out. When we get back, we launder clothes, clean gear, and repack everything and put stuff away for next time, but conveniently so we can easily grab it for the next trip out. When our season ends (neither of us really enjoy cold weather camping), we put it all completely away in storage until next year. New season? We get everything out of storage, do a “gear check” and examine every tent and line and tent spike for damage, repair or replace items that are too worn for safe use, and restock any non-perishable consumables that we’ve run low on. It’s a cycle that works for us.

For me, having a reliable practice (or many) helps me stay on track of this busy life. I chuckle, looking around my studio; my pocket of chaos in a life that is mostly pretty orderly. LOL I could do better. It’s within reach. I just need to begin again. 😀

This journey just isn’t about perfect. It’s always practice. My results vary. That’s fine – I know they will. I just stay on the path… and begin again.

No title. No particular theme. I’m sipping a glass of water on a warmish summer-y evening in September. I spent most of the afternoon with my Traveling Partner, putting away some of the camping gear, pulling out other stuff, and getting my gear sorted for my camping trip next weekend. It was fun and time well-spent, together. I’m tired, now. My mind is sort of just floating through my thoughts, meandering among ideas and recollections, without any focus. I feel light-hearted, relaxed, and easy. It’s a pleasant moment. I am not quite waiting, in this moment betwixt other moments, while my Traveling Partner showers. Our plan, presently, sort of, is to go enjoy “breakfast for dinner” at a local chain breakfast place. Is that weird? I don’t know. I don’t care if it is. It’s something I enjoy.

…We may not even go, it’s that sort of very flexible afternoon, heading into evening. Could be that by the time showers are had, and clothes are changed, we’ll rather stay in and figure out something else. (I mean, I could do all the work to make breakfast for dinner at home, but doing that much work… nah. I don’t feel like doing that.)

…If we do go out, I should put on a different shirt… my worn(out) Wonder Woman tank top is not quite threadbare, but definitely lacking any newness whatever, and it’s pretty shabby. “Home clothes” for lounging and lazing, fine, but going out to dinner – even to enjoy breakfast foods – I would rather put on something a bit more “presentable”. I hear my partner step out of the shower. It’s time to begin again. 😀

It’s late in the day. The edge of evening, and not quite afternoon. I started my day at the usual time, and instead of going straight to work, I went for a walk and let my Traveling Partner sleep awhile longer. I caught the sunrise, just as I got to the start of the trail I planned to walk, and sat on a nearby picnic table and just… watched. Gorgeous sunrise. The morning’s cloudy skies quickly gave way to a sparkling-clear azure blue sky. Lovely.

…Work was work. It was fine. I enjoyed the day, and it was productive and fun. I can’t really ask for more than that, you know? It’s a sufficiently demanding (of my time) sort of job, and I quite like it, and I find I get pulled in sooner and for longer than I otherwise might. It’s important to remember to prioritize other things. 🙂 So… here I am, writing. Listening to music. Being.

I feel right on the edge of having something to say… like, something worth putting on paper… just at the edge of my thoughts… there… right… there. Nope. It’s gone. I let the music take a bigger piece of my attention and start the song over as I raise my sit/stand desk to standing height, so I can more easily dance with the part of my brain that isn’t writing. lol Feels good. So good.

…Even restarting a favorite track can be a new beginning…

There’s dinner to think about… tomorrow to plan… a camping trip coming up in just a few days (about 10 days)… things to think about, things to do.

What a lovely day. It’s enough.