Archives for category: Metaphors
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Find It, Use It, Spend It, Waste It

June 15, 2023 //
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Time. What are you doing with yours? Such a finite limited resource in a single mortal lifetime, eh? It can drive a real feeling of desperation trying to “stay caught up”. I think of an old Joe Jackson song… I used to be seriously hung up about time (and timing). It was problematic and stressful. Not helpful at all, and the anxiety did nothing to improve my efficiency. That frenetic driven pace wasn’t particularly useful, and I often felt as if I was chasing seconds at the cost of hours and days. I don’t do that now (not generally). Instead, I let that go and practice living my life, instead. 😀

It’s a strange journey, and the distance between my starting point and my destination is sometimes quite a way to go.

The limitations time places on me, as a mortal creature, comes with a certain poignance, now and then, a feeling that “I’m not doing it right” or that “time is running out”… a sensation of a ticking clock, always in the background, counting down these precious moments… It’s an illusion, as is that sensation of pressure to do more faster. We’re mortal creatures, for sure, and that feels pretty limiting sometimes, but… a life well-lived feels – often – pretty “timeless”. I’ve been enjoying that sensation a lot, lately.

It’s not where I’m seated that matters most, it’s more about what fills my thoughts.

…The clock keeps ticking, however I choose to spend my time…

What enriches your life? I’m not talking about cash assets here. I’m asking what fulfills you? What do you want more of in life? How do you choose to spend your precious limited life time?

Sometimes I just need to get away.

I’m learning to make room in my day(s) for the moments that feel the best – love, loving, a good book, a good meal, laughing with friends, sharing my thoughts with my Traveling Partner, walking and thinking… there’s a lot to enjoy in life, and the time is short. Every moment of pointless bullshit or drama robs me of an opportunity to experience some moment of joy; the time is finite. Moments come and go, and once they are in the past, they are what they are were – for always. Just memories. I’m learning to make good ones. (Memories, I mean.)

There are signs of human endeavors almost everywhere.

My recent birthday camping adventure was well-spent on long moments of quiet reflection, and the joy of my Traveling Partner’s good company. I could have “done more”, or gotten more “activities” worked into the experience, probably, but what was filling my soul and nurturing me was simply sitting and enjoying that time that was such a departure from the routine. Calling it “fun” doesn’t really share the experience in a meaningful way. (It was a lot of fun, for sure.) I definitely really needed that time to chill and reflect quietly, and just observe the world in the form of breezes, waves, and blue skies, without all the fuss and bother of humanity’s comings and goings and frantic attempts to control time.

I took pointers on “how to relax” from the local wildlife, they’ve certainly mastered their method. 😀

I came home with a renewed sense of presence in my experience, and some new perspective. I came home feeling uplifted, and deeply in love with my Traveling Partner. I came home feeling comfortable in my skin and sure of myself. All good stuff. The best part? I came home. It felt good to be at home, to have a home to come home to in the first place, and to be there with my Traveling Partner was a hell of a bonus. Life well-lived? Working on it – and getting great results.

Sometimes the best thing I can do for the woman in the mirror is to pause, and reflect.

I reflect for a moment on the practices that work, the practices that have been less effective (for me), and sip my coffee contentedly.

…And already it’s time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, Summer, The Art of Being, turning 60

Tales of Small Joys

June 12, 2023 //
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We returned home from our camping trip yesterday afternoon. It was a relaxed trip, and a really beautiful drive, and we still felt the joyful vibe of our getaway as we got closer to home, in spite of the unexpectedly abrupt “return to reality” that resulted from city traffic on a Sunday, distracted drivers, and pointless rudeness from strangers utterly pre-occupied with themselves as they hurtled down the highway in their vehicles. I think we both could have done without any of that, but… it would have taken so much more to wreck our wonderful getaway.

The titular “small joys” were just literally everywhere as we spent the days of my “birthday vacation” together. Funny, we spend most days together, and very little time apart (since the start of the pandemic, and ongoing), but these were definitely special. So special. I feel loved. I feel supported. I hope my Traveling Partner does, too. We worked together as a team on our camping adventures, and that experience grew and deepened each day, and each time we packed up our gear, or set up or tore down our camp. Room to grow? For sure. Still – it was amazing time well-spent in the company of the human being most dear to me. Hard to beat that.

One small joy; the serendipitous utterly unplanned and unintentional image of a heart on my toast in the morning. 😀

It’s been fun. Remarkable. Memorable. Filled with love and laughter. We walked together. Laughed together. Cooked together. We spent our time together. Not just “in the same room” together – we really shared the time and the experience in a wholesome engaged way. I even felt we were “hearing each other” more easily, listening more deeply with greater ease, and sharing more openness. It was luscious and loving and just frankly wonderful. It was the two of us. I returned home feeling more secure about “us”, and more whole and comfortable in my own skin. Wonderful.

…I managed to avoid being eaten alive by bugs, and until the very last day, didn’t seem to have even one insect bite. At all. Now? Well… I’ve got some kind of irritation on the back of one hand that itches like fire (looks like a tiny spider bite, perhaps). I try not to scratch it, mostly unsuccessfully. I find great delight in refrigerated Benadryl cream. lol

Now? Well, today is my actual 60th birthday. As is so common, I just don’t feel any differently in any noteworthy way than I did yesterday. Well… except one thing; I feel re-engaged and energized to deal with my health and fitness. It’s not too late. (When is it ever, truly, so long as I can still breathe?) I guess that’s a thing, and I hope to get some value out of that feeling.

I’m enjoying my birthday. Breakfast out after days of wilderness adventure. Cake and ice cream. Cartoons and music. The company (and romantic affection) of my Traveling Partner. What a lovely birthday. It’s not over yet, either… I think I’ll begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

Sometimes Love is Like Jazz

June 2, 2023 //
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I’m sipping my coffee and thinking about love. I’m listening to jazz in the background – nice change from the insipid pop tracks that are often playing in the co-work space. I am reminded of a quote attributed to Miles Davis, “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.” Sometimes love is like that. Some moment of miscommunication, or a misstep in the way we treat each other, feels “off”, like a “wrong note” in an otherwise beautiful piece of music… and it does very much seem to matter greatly what comes next, maybe even more so than that “wrong note” itself.

I sat down to write this morning grateful for the quiet time to reflect and write before this morning’s unusually busy Friday meeting calendar; back to back for about 4 and half hours. Ouch. My phone rang – before 0600, which was entirely unexpected, but… it was my Traveling Partner. I hadn’t replied to his text messages, of which there were… several. My “do not disturb” settings go to 0600, though, so I didn’t get notifications on those, and didn’t expect to hear from him either. He was alarmed that I didn’t respond, so he called. Fair enough. He expressed surprise that I was already at my desk, and concerned that I wasn’t out walking. I felt surprised that he didn’t remember me bitching about my meeting calendar and that I planned to go into the co-work space since my meetings would begin quite early compared to most days. Somehow, the interaction was less affectionate than it was… something quite different than that. lol Shit.

The morning is a chilly one, and I ache. After the “off moment” with my Traveling Partner this morning (which managed to feel rather “parental” in tone), I’m sort of cross. I know I can move past it. I’m just annoyed to have started the day thinking I’d have this quiet time “entirely to myself”, only to become mired in ruminations, anxiety, and finding myself juggling my baggage. Human, I suppose. Pretty annoying though.

…It’s bizarrely difficult (for me) to get even an hour of completely uninterrupted quiet time for reflection and writing, sometimes, which is it’s own self-care issue worthy of consideration… some other time, perhaps.

Here’s the thing – back to that quote I started on – it matters more what follows that “off moment”, than the moment itself. Whether I react. How I respond. What I say in reply to what has been said. How I choose to take the circumstances as they come. I can do/say/think about it in ways that aggravate things further – or I can “let small things stay small” and practice compassion, openness, empathy, and non-attachment, and move on to enjoy the day as it unfolds. No, I’m not saying it’s “easy” – there are definitely verbs involved, and the effort is “all mine”, at least inasmuch as I only control my own actions, words, and thoughts. My results vary. A lot. I’ve got room to grow and improve. I can do better. So…

…Looks like time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

Waking With The Sun

June 1, 2023 //
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Summer is approaching. Mornings, here, are sometimes still chilly. Night time temperatures still fall well below 50 F/10 C. Things cool off before the sun warms them once more. Some afternoons barely hit 70 F/21 C. Pretty comfortable weather, generally, and very good for sleeping… I wake with the sun a lot of mornings in spite of that. Like this morning. It’s nice quiet time for reflection, though, if I wake thoroughly and don’t find myself stumbling groggily through the first hours of the day.

This particular morning I am sipping my coffee and watching the sky beyond the windows change color, hints of pale grays and strange blues give way to peach, lavender, pink, and hints of orange as the sun rises. Pretty. I think about the flowers in the garden. I think about my upcoming birthday (11 days away, now) and our planned camping trip (5 days!). I think about pain, and pain management, and these stiff contrary bones. I think about recent delicious meals, and how much I appreciate my Traveling Partner’s cooking, and how nice it is that he’s been doing more of that lately. Good times, shared. I think about that, too. No misery here. It’s a pleasant morning. I think about the weekend ahead. I think about spending time in the studio… which competes for my attention, alongside “time in the garden”, “time on the trail”, and “time off-roading with my partner”.

Planted these last fall, and I’ve already forgotten what they are, other than “pretty”.

I pause my musings long enough to really appreciate how fortunate I am to enjoy so much of this life, so thoroughly. “This too shall pass.” Good times are wonderful. Savoring them, and reflecting on them, is delightful and healthy. Healing. Still, part of the point in doing so is to ensure they become part of my implicit memory as well, and a well-spring of future resilience upon which I can call when times are darker, and life feels less rich and satisfying. Just keeping it real; my results vary. I have some rough moments here and there. You too? We all do.

I write less often these days. Not because there’s nothing to say, nor because I am wrapped in joy 100% of my time, nor am I, contrariwise, wrapped in misery. I’m just over here living life. I write less because, honestly, I spent much less time in solitary reflection, and less time forcing myself through practices to pull myself out of some messy emotional quagmire. I live. Breathe. Exhale. Relax. Succeed. Fail. Begin again. I try. I explore. I set boundaries. I yield to circumstances. It’s life. It’s not perfect, but it’s also quite a lot better than “just okay”. I sometimes feel I am on the edge of “thriving full-time”, which is pretty remarkable, considering the entirety of my experience.

I sip my coffee feeling my moment shift gears from “quiet reflection” to feeling filled with gratitude and love. It’s a nice start to a new day. I smile and think about my partner, at home, still sleeping. My heart beats with love.

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, Summer

The Weight of 24 Days

May 19, 2023 //
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I’m counting the days until my birthday, like a kid. Just 24 days to go, and I’ll be… 60. Wow. I’m still pretty astonished by two things about this:

  1. I’m turning 60 (at all).
  2. 60 doesn’t “feel old” from the inside.

I sip what’s left of my iced coffee. I got a 20 ounce coffee this morning. Extra shots. I’m still pretty groggy in spite of that, and in spite of the sunshine streaming in through the windows reminding me that summer is very nearly here. I’d love to have slept longer. I woke up, and I’m “awake” for most values of being awake – I’m just struggling to fire up some sort of lively sense of engagement with the day (and the work ahead of me). I suspected that might be the case, and I sort of abstractly ascribe it to the combination of seasonal allergy symptoms and general fatigue from poor quality sleep. I don’t know how accurate those assumptions are, but I’m satisfied that the truths revealed are at least feasibly accurate. Mostly. Probably? I’m for sure still feeling stupid and fuzzy-headed, and lacking the clarity of mind that I want to expect (and most likely should not wait around for, based on how I am feeling right now). I’m stuck betwixt having awakened and also feeling like I never completed that process fully. lol

Twice I’ve had interesting (to me) ideas to write about. Twice those have slipped away leaving behind only a recollection of having been interrupted in the middle of a thought. lol

…There’s damn little coffee left in this cup, and the local coffee shops here in town won’t open for another 10 minutes. I’ve already had 20 ounces of coffee as it is. Enough for the whole day (served in a single cup – how convenient)! I don’t really need more.

Roses blooming in the garden.

I let my mind wander to the weekend… beautiful weather in the forecast. What will I do with the time? Garden? That sounds likely. Maybe go for a drive with my Traveling Partner? Shop? Tidy up my studio? (It sure needs some attention.) Make a couple batches of shower steamers? Get some romantic sexy fun time going with my partner? Read a book? Sit around watching my partner play a video game? Write letters to old friends? Some of all of these things?

A jay checking on my gardening.

Here it is a new day… a blank page… choices to choose and opportunities to accept or to disregard… and it’s time to begin (again).

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Roses, Spring
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