Archives for category: Metaphors
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Life and Love and an Old Black Sweater

April 25, 2013 //
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The first rose of spring has opened in my garden. It is just 48 days until my 50th birthday, and for some unclear reason 50 feels rather like ‘the middle of life’ – although I am hopeful about living well past the century mark. A beginning, a middle…and an end; I am wearing a long-favored, old black sweater, and I am considering today to be it’s ‘last day’…

'Baby Love' is the first rose to bloom in my garden this spring.

‘Baby Love’ is the first rose to bloom in my garden this spring.

My old black sweater is an ordinary enough black sweater, of mixed synthetic fibers, soft and worn and comfy, with rather mundane cable stitch down the front, and quite large.  I bought it some 15 years ago, during a career change, and a point in my life when I was heavier than I am now. A lot heavier. This is a size ‘3X’ sweater.  It’s huge on me now, mostly pretty shapeless, and not particularly flattering. I’ve never cared about that – it has also been reliably comfortable, effortless to care for, and predictably rather invisible, in the sense that wearing it allowed me to fade into the background at a point in my life where anxiety and unpredictable temperament so ruled my experience that I appreciated having a way to hide from the world in plain sight.  Now, though, life feels very different and I am less inclined to hide. I also feel…healthy, beautiful, and alive – and I’m ready to say good-bye to being so wounded and afraid of the world that only being wrapped in a comfy old black sweater feels safe and warm.  Hugs are better. lol.

 
A sweater is only a sweater, after all… it isn’t a time capsule of memories and events associated with the wearing of the sweater, it isn’t the embodiment of who I am, or who I was, and it isn’t a cherished object of sentimental value clasped relentlessly by possessive withered hands frightened to let go for fear of losing beloved memories to the passage of time. (I may have once thought it was…)  It’s just a sweater: too old, too worn, too big.  It doesn’t fit me anymore.

 
I still like sweaters. I still like black sweaters. I even still like this sweater… but it is time to move on. Time to let go of some things that are not helpful to hang on to. Time to let go of things that get in the way of better things.  Time to accept and encourage and nurture change.  It is time for a new black sweater; sexy, fun, soft…and perhaps in a ‘slightly darker black’?

 
…Or perhaps not black at all.  In 48 days I shall be 50, and I’m clearly not a little girl, anymore. Some of it has been rough, but I think it will be fine if I stop wearing black…beginnings, middles, ends…this is what 50 looks like through my eyes, reflected in my mirror, considered in the context of my experience.

...on the other hand... approaching 50: my right hand, my right mind.

…on the other hand… approaching 50: my right hand, my right mind.

 

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Seeking Calm, Seeking Chill, Finding Strength

April 11, 2013 //
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Today, it is my walk home last night that resonates with me in a lingering way.  This morning’s walk was lovely, too; still basking in the glow of Love, and attentively observing the sights of spring as I passed by: a hedge of delicate magnolia blossoms turning now to a stale brown as they fade, tiny azaleas unfolding magenta and lemon yellow, big bold rhododendrons of florid scarlet, clusters of sweet smelling shrubs of an unknown (to me) variety, and a seemingly endless number and kind of tiny birds, each with their own song to sing.

First peek at the garden on a spring morning

First peek at the garden on a spring morning

I have my own song to sing, too, and on my walk last night it was a surprise to find myself humming and sometimes even singing aloud.  Each day brings me some moments of finding this new place in myself…a center of calm and strength and wholeness I didn’t know I had within me.  This strong core inside myself seems untouched by momentary ups and downs, by the whims of circumstance, by the petty dramas, tides, and storms of my human experience.  My emotions come and go, sometimes hurting, sometimes surging with passion or delight, and still this core of strength inside myself seems calm and chill, not unmoved, but not involved.  Finding this place inside myself is giving me back some very precious things that I had lost somewhere/when along the way…the freedom to dance, to sing aloud, a feeling of height and power…and safety.  As if… I am my will.  <sigh> That probably doesn’t say what I am trying to say.  Too many, and not enough, words. 🙂

…exit, theme song playing in the background… 😀

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Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Excuse Me, Where Am I Going?

April 10, 2013 //
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Sometimes the path is clear.

Sometimes the path is clear.

I had an interesting dream last night.  I found myself before a big ornate door, dark and imposing, and I felt a sense of uncertainty about where I was, and where I was heading.  I knocked on the door and as it opened felt I was standing before ‘the heart of the universe’.  A woman answered the door; a woman of uncommon beauty and serenity, with laugh lines rather than wrinkles, and of an indeterminate age that only seemed ‘not young’. She radiated calm, compassion, and wisdom.  She smiled and sunshine broke through clouds I hadn’t even seen.  She wore my face, but seemed somehow unknown to me in the course of my own experience of life.  I felt her inquire in a questioning way, but wordlessly, and what I thought I heard was more an assurance than a question “I can help you with this.”  I replied simply “Where am I going?” and felt we were truly somehow saying the same thing – as though questions and answers are entirely interchangeable.

I was suddenly in a sunny meadow walking alone, only remembering her, and her words and a big map, with a convenient ‘You Are Here’ arrow. “If your focus is on just one element of the journey, how will you find your way?  Consider the method, the map, and the destination, or be lost aging, not growing.”  She pointed to the map, “You Are Here is where you are, not where you are going.  We don’t choose where we start, we start where we are – and choose our destination.”  I had wanted to ask her again, ‘Where am I going?’, but her compassionate smile stopped me.  She held the door for me then, gesturing to the world on the horizon, “I can’t be you, now, you are not here, yet.  Soon enough, if you follow your path…”   I shaded my eyes from the sun as I stepped into the bright light of day… and woke suddenly, in my dark room to the eager beeping of my alarm clock, and a new day.

It lingers with me even now… “We don’t choose where we start…”

Spring flowers along the way

Spring flowers along the way

I wonder what the journey will be like…who I will become over time… how life will change me… how I will change life around me… now where is that damned map… 😉

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Categories Allegories, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, women, Words

Brute Force Mindfulness

April 9, 2013 //
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So…um…right… I am humbled in the face of my humanity, and admittedly ‘doing my best’ isn’t always…adequate? Suitable? Ideal? Perhaps not even functional. I am very human.  Not unexpectedly, practicing mindfulness throws me the occasional curve ball, or offers me an intellectual or cognitive challenge I didn’t anticipate.

A great morning to share a smile!

A great morning to share a smile!

Yesterday,  I took a walk on the wild side… ‘brute force mindfulness‘.  O.m.g… the humor of it buoys my general good spirits today, and I am still sort of scratching my head that the eventual outcome included a completely unexpected ‘thank you’ for ‘being there’… but I am not sure I was ‘being there’ the way I’d ideally like to be for people.  No fooling, I had hit a wall of frustration at one point that actually resulted in my yelling – literally yelling, in a rather unpleasantly commanding tone – directives that were borrowed directly from my mindfulness practices…but… how effective is it to shout orders to ‘Breathe!’ at someone who is losing their patience ?  Or to resort to angrily demanding that someone  ‘Be here!‘ when they seemed trapped in some other moment?  (That last was only a fragment of what I was moved to say, but the ludicrousness of shouting commands to be in some way more mindful got to me before I got more words out, and I forced myself to shut the hell up before I went further down the path of the ridiculous.)

Compassion wins out, this morning, and I accept that I was in enough pain last night to be pretty easily tested to my limits, even with people who matter to me a great deal.  I sure don’t feel like I was at my best for emotional resilience, respectfulness, or consideration – and as humorous as it still is that I snapped in that very odd way, I hope to build a lifetime of good skills and habits that allow me to bend as a reed in the wind, instead, and to be able to comfort rather than berate.  I’d throw the hormone card, but facing menopause on the horizon, that’s really too unpredictable to be certain, and this morning it sounds like a crutch or an excuse, more than a mitigating circumstance.

It’s still pretty funny. 😀

My quiet morning resulted in some whimsy about the whole thing, and I want to say simply this; I’m in an all or nothing place with mindfulness, tending my roses and my heart with care, showing myself and my loved ones mercy, and living the best way I know how.  If I have to, I know to tell haters to back up, and just keep practicing and taking care of me.  In the mean time, I’m going to give myself a chance to appreciate the humor of life, and lighten up a bit.  😀  It’s a lovely Tuesday…

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Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

I Have the Answer!

April 3, 2013 //
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Spring, and a metaphor for choices.

Spring, and a metaphor for choices.

…Actually, what I have are questions. Sometimes things I think might be answers turn out to be other questions, too.  Are you disappointed? I’m learning not to be. There is value in a question, perhaps more value than in the answers.  Frankly, this is as close to an April Fool’s Day prank as I could think of, and it wouldn’t have passed muster on 4/1/13 – there was some amazing pranking going on, so I saved my little joke for today. 😀

I haven’t been sleeping well this week, but it hasn’t been troubling me much.  I’m in pain with my arthritis on a level that rivals the worst winter, but it isn’t driving my experience.  Similarly, everyday stress at work, and at home, isn’t really rocking my boat like it has in the past.  I’m not over-thinking it.  I’m enjoying it, though.   My morning now begins with meditation, and my day usually ends that way; I am living as mindfully as I currently know how to, and I keep learning more.  I won’t swear it is a solution or that it is an answer, but I am finding value in the experience every day.  I’m not surprised that how I begin my day matters for how it continues.  I am surprised at how difficult it is to share the experience with someone else.  Just as I couldn’t find my own way until I was truly ready, it has proven to be the case with everyone else, too, I can only tell my narrative; share words about my experience, not the experience itself.  lol.  So – I am focusing on taking care of me, learning skills and practices that enhance my experience and provide me with greater emotional balance, as well as learning to ‘catch myself when I fall’.  My own experience is improving, and it somehow stands to reason that eventually that better experience will contribute to a better experience for my friends, loved ones, and if the hippies are right …. the whole vast wide world will improve thereby. 😀  It’s a nice thought, and I’d love to be part of that experience.

Starting with a lovely moment in the garden is a good beginning to the day.

Starting with a lovely moment in the garden is a good beginning to the day.

So, it’s a cloudy Wednesday. It’s a busy world. Today I am focusing on something extraordinarily uncommon… ‘common decency’.  Some of my ‘Big 5’ are actually very tied to this idea; respect, reciprocity, consideration, compassion…are all very much part of what I think of as ‘common decency’.  So, today, I am hoping to practice some uncommon common decency with all my associates and encounters, and following up on that by making sure that the people I love are the people I treat the best, and to whom I provide the highest standard of ‘common decency’.  😀

I hope you enjoy the day, and find something small to delight your heart.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words
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