Archives for category: Mindfulness

I sometimes think I suck at waiting on an outcome. It’s not really true – the experience of waiting is quite subjective, both in the moment and on reflection later. This time, the waiting commenced yesterday, after an excellent interview the day before. I mean… my experience of that interview was excellent… and the feedback from the interviewers was highly encouraging. They offered great expectation-setting regarding the outcome, and with that in mind I am not waiting impatiently or feeling particularly down, just… waiting on an outcome. I hesitate to build up expectations in my mind; that’s just generally a poor choice. Still, I feel quite hopeful. 🙂

…Still waiting, though…

It’s a good day for waiting. lol

I was first into the nearby nature reserve to walk and take pictures.

I grabbed my camera before first light, and headed out the door as quietly as I could, hoping my Traveling Partner would be able to sleep in. He pinged me kiss emojis shortly afterward, so… he was up early, too. It was a quiet morning on the trail, overcast, comfortably cool, and a little misty down in the marsh lowlands. I got home in time to enjoy a bite of breakfast with my partner before a morning call. Nothing else on my calendar, so I guess the weekend begins – waiting included. LOL

I’m okay with waiting. I remember the frustration of it when I was a young soldier beefing about “hurry up and wait”, lacking the emotional intelligence to recognize that the hurrying was potentially the more problematic piece, or to place waiting in a larger context of preparedness, or to forgo any attachment to the outcome.

Non-attachment rears its head again; it is a valuable practice for me. Allowing myself to succumb to assumptions and expectations before an event can even begin to unfold doesn’t work for me. I breathe, exhale, relax, and refocus my attention on the here and now. I am contented and feeling comfortable at home with things as they are. I look around – no shortage of shit to get done around here. LOL Good day to begin planning out the winter garden… I smile and take a sip of my coffee. No rush. Damn, I do love that feeling.

I take a deep breath, and let it out as a slow contented sigh. It’s time to begin again. 😀

What’s lighting your path? What are you using for a map? What processes and values guide your steps? Where are you going? Does this path even take you there… ever? If you make some very different decision, will you find yourself somewhere very different than you expected to be?

If you get to the donut shop late, you have less selection from which to choose. (It’s a metaphor.)

It is a pleasant Thursday morning. I slept in. Took my camera out on the trail and enjoyed the sunrise over the marsh out at the Tualatin River Nature Reserve. It was a lovely quiet morning, and not much going on. The day had already started to feel like it would be a hot one, by the time I headed home.

I am “not waiting” to hear back about a job interview that went (I think) very well. It’s hard to maintain my chill factor and stay focused on other things; the wait is what it is, and obsessing over it doesn’t help or speed things up.

The future is filled with unknowns. This moment, now, is filled with the potential for joy. I have choices.

I breathe, exhale, relax – and have another sip of this excellent cup of coffee. My Traveling Partner has some big shop projects going. I am helpful when I can be, otherwise I focus on not being in the way. LOL It’s a nice time to enjoy us, together. The days linger gently. We share moments, often, that might ordinarily be overcome by the demands of work and employment. I savor the time as it is. It’s likely to be all too brief. 🙂

My partner is merry and encouraging as I do the job search things. It’s nice. I feel loved and supported. I feel appreciated. I can’t say enough about how much it really does matter to have this kind of support while I look for a new job! I hope I am clear with him about how much I appreciate and value it, when we’re discussing the progress together. 🙂 I smile, feeling loved, and remind myself to also be one of the people loving me so well. That matters too.

It’s a good day to run some errands and get some things done around the house. It’s already time to start preparing the garden for winter crops and general cleaning up before the rains come again. It’s a good day to take a look around and improve my quality of life (and sanity) by tidying some things up… this studio is a bit of a mess (again) and could use my attention. I feel hopeful – and purposeful. The path ahead “feels paved” and illuminated, and it’s a good time to begin again.

Sometimes it feels deceptively easy to “see where I’m going” – it’s still a journey with no map. 🙂

I woke early, eager to begin a new day. The cuts on my fingers are healing nicely, and I had my gear ready to grab time camera time with the sunrise.

Lovely morning to enjoy a few quite minutes watching the sun rise.

My Traveling Partner is up to his elbows in 3D printer and CNC rebuilds. He seems happiest when he is quite busy with something complicated. I enjoy hanging out nearby for stray comments, and invitations to take a look at some bit of progress or concern. I am helpful when I can be – and when asked for assistance. I try to “stay out of it” otherwise. That’s comfortable for me. I’ve got my own things going on, mostly to do with the job search tasks and general household stuff, and I’m taking advantage of not having a job right now to enjoy some of my own time more freely. It’s lovely.

…My most recent interview went well, and I am excited about the possibilities, but I’m not leaving my mind there in that place…

A lunch late with a friend later… life is… life. Rich. Filled. Characterized by contentment. At least today feels that way, and I’m okay with that. It’s enough, and I plan to thoroughly enjoy it and savor each delicious moment. That’s the well-spring of future resilience, right there; be present, enjoy the moment, savor the recollection, and celebrate small wins. 😀

Well, look at the time… looks like time to begin again. 😀

However smooth life’s path may seem, there are going to be some painful moments, challenges, unexpected detours… you know, “potholes in the road”. Just saying, even when life is purely delightful, don’t expect universally sunny days and smooth sailing (do expect mixed metaphors – at least here! lol).

The dinner planned for yesterday came together nicely. My Traveling Partner and I worked on it together; we had to.

I am learning how much I rely on my left hand. LOL

I was at the end stages of preparing dinner. Sauce cooking down, house filled with the delicious aroma. Cheese was grated and set aside, ready and waiting. Pasta weighed out for two servings, ready to cook once the sauce was nearer to being done. Garlic butter was all whipped up and ready to be spread on the bread that would become garlic toast. Good time to slice that batard and spread both halves with the garlic butter, I thought…may as well have it ready. I explicitly cautioned myself to use care; sharp knife.

With great care, I cut myself rather badly across my forefinger and middle finger. Shit. Totally my foolishness, too. I made an explicit point of taking note of the fucking risk then stupidly still cradled the batard of bread in my fucking hand to cut it. For real? Fucking hell, just take away my license to adult, right now. lol

Two cuts. One fairly minor, the other quite deep and too damned close to the finger joint to brush it off as “nothing really”. My Traveling Partner was concerned it may need stitching (or worse). Both were bleeding quite a lot. Urgent care is very nearby, so we agreed I would keep pressure on them, keep my hand elevated, and drive the short (less than a mile) distance to the clinic, while he kept an eye on dinner – that sauce wasn’t going to stir itself!

Left hand more or less useless made turn signals hilariously awkward, but the drive was uneventful. “We’re so sorry! We don’t have a provider on site today, we’re just doing tele-medicine appointments today!”, the startled woman at the reception desk said as she eyed the blood oozing between my fingers where the wad of paper towels in my grip didn’t absorb it. “You can go to the other urgent care… or the ER…” she suggested. I carefully loosened my grip on the paper towels to check the bleeding. The smaller cut on my index finger had stopped bleeding, the other not so much. I got directions and made my way to the other urgent care… which was closed. Fuck. I call my partner, share the details, and look at the injury again. It had finally stopped bleeding… so… I went home. Didn’t seem like much of an emergency at that point… More of an anecdote.

I got home safely. Dinner was ready, and it was delicious. Before serving it up, my partner bandaged up my fingers and splinted them so I would not reopen those cuts by absentmindedly trying to use that hand. Dinner was delicious. Hilariously, I know I’ll look back on this fondly as a wonderful evening with a moment of misadventure… I mean, the dinner was that good, and a cut? Just a minor mishap. My partner is still teasing me good-naturedly about it; he had just done the same thing last month!

It was only this morning that I was confronted with numerous wee inconveniences resulting from impaired use of my left hand. lol Typing being one of those. There are lessons here. I hope I learn them. In the meantime, I’ll be asking for help with a few two-handed tasks… and beginning again.

I’ve got huge plans for today… sort of. It’s a lovely summer day, not too hot, and nothing much going on. Spent some time out on the trail with my camera in the morning. Enjoyed coffee with my Traveling Partner (already up) before I left – then again after I got back. It was a strange misty morning, lovely for walking.

The mist lent itself well to thinking thoughts.

Out in the marsh, the ducks and geese were also enjoying the morning, a bit out of reach of my lens. I’m okay with that; I just kept walking.

The ducks and geese took no notice of me as I walked along the trail.

I had the park mostly to myself this morning. A rare treat. I stopped awhile at a favorite spot for watching smaller birds was visited by quite a few swallows, and other birds I was less familiar with. Good times.

Few of my shots turned out this morning, but that hardly matters; I enjoyed the time.

The walk back up the path was well-timed; I passed a lot of other folks with cameras on their way down the path, talking about seeing pelicans? I didn’t see any pelicans. lol I marveled at the dewy spider webs that festooned the meadow flowers as I walked back to the car in the summer sunshine.

Like delicate lace.

…But the morning isn’t the day. The moment is not the whole experience. The time that has passed is not about future plans. lol So…what’s the big deal today? It’s not all that, really, I am just planning a (hopefully) delicious homemade meal for dinner… garlic bread, spaghetti with a favorite meat sauce, cooked slowly, with care. I enjoyed selecting the ingredients. Been thinking about the cooking all day. LOL So… yeah. I’m excited about an absolutely ordinary moment-to-come. 🙂 It’s enough to put a smile on my face. I don’t need more than that today.

It’s a lovely place to begin again.