Archives for category: Words

Achievement Unlocked

January 7, 2019 //

Another Monday finished off, in due time. Hardly a routine work day, and I could have easily arrived home in a completely shitty mood, after spending the last half of my work day struggling not to snarl at people (it was that sort of day).

I didn’t. I made other choices, although, honestly, I’m sort of tired now, and… just a tad uncertain which choices had what result. lol Choices were made, however, and some were made differently. New perspective? Different perspective. Close enough.

I got home tired. I’m not even bitching; it wasn’t a particularly long day, and I still have some evening ahead of me to relax, read, write, and do some things to support my own wellness and quality of life. It feels good. It’s a small thing, but keeping some of my focus on my own needs really does make a huge difference, and when I don’t – however worthy the reason, I eventually pay a price for it in a reduction in quality of life, health, emotional resilience, or some moment of aggravation blown out of proportion.

I sat down to write and found this:

…Has it been 6 years?

Funny thing, though… I mean… I write like I breathe (which is to say, reliably, most of the time, and without any particular effort or need to think about it, and fairly unavoidably; it’s part of my existence). How is 6 more years of writing actually an achievement? I nibble at my fairly nutritious dinner, and give that some thought.

6 years ago, I was walking a very different path.

6 years. 6 years of living life. Now that’s an achievement. 6 years of learning to love truly well. 6 years of sharing my heart and my moments with my Traveling Partner. Hell of an achievement right there; love takes some major verbs, done well. 6 years of forgiving myself. 6 years of forgiving others. 6 years of laughing at my own dumb jokes. 6 years spent doing more than crying. 6 years of hiking, camping, and pouring over maps of trails yet to be walked. Those are pretty cool achievements. 6 years of work I can be proud of. 6 years of lasting friendships, and new friends. Definitely some achievements in there. 6 years of more daydreams than nightmares – that’s a big achievement, most particularly because it has continued to improve over time. 🙂 6 years of practicing practices, sharing tales from a journey through a wilderness of chaos and damage, traveling in the twilight of evening light… and somehow, it seems a stroll through a sunny meadow much of the time, in year 6. That’s an achievement I don’t even know how to measure. Feels good.

So… yeah… I guess the tl;dr is “I registered on WordPress.com 6 years ago”. This may not be “happily ever after”… but it is pretty nice, generally. 🙂 I chose to make a change. That was an achievement. I’ve just kept making changes, and when I falter, I begin again. That’s an achievement. Thanks, WordPress.com, you’ve been a hell of a platform for change. 🙂

Still walking my path, paved with verbs and new beginnings, illuminated with love.

Tags Achievement unlocked, are you going my way?, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I write, level up!, meditation, of course I've kept it up, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, thanks WordPress.com, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walking my own path, what matters most?, words

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

What Is Your Essence?

December 28, 2018 //

I am home for the day, preparing for the long holiday weekend ahead. Having a quiet cup of tea, vaping something pleasant tasting, and watching the vapor curl in wisps as the cloud breaks up as I exhale. “Vaping” is a verb now. I ponder the way language changes with the times. I wonder if things are still “on fleek” and if “fam” is still “lit”. I smile, breathe, relax; this is my time, my moment, and I am content with it just as it is, wedged between the shhh-shhh of commuter traffic at the edge of the driveway, and the chug-chug of the washing machine, down the hall. The noise doesn’t matter, this evening, and it is not disturbing this somehow-still-quiet moment.

I am thinking of “is” and of “isn’t”, and the year just finishing up, as I peer cautiously ahead to the year that is imminent. I am thinking rather carefully of “essence” and “essentials”, and hoping to stay on the path of sufficiency. Right now, at least, it is rather easy not being tempted by excess. I just don’t have the resources for that, and 2019 looks like a year that I will spend rebuilding reserves, planning with care, and being most particular to avoid wastefulness.

I catch my thoughts on a hook as they brush past a word – “essence”. Fancy. What is “essence”, really?

…I love the future. 😀

So… yeah… “the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character”. Essence. Got it. I ponder the word, and the idea of it for some minutes.

What “is” my “essence”? Is that a thing that I am? Have? Is it a state of being? A verb? An experience of self? A defining characteristic identified by others? Do I choose it? Chase it? Live it? Question it?

Is “what is my essence” simply a fancier, wordier, version of the lingering question “who am I”?

How would my “essence” influence my experience of life – or of self?

Are these questions that need asking, and answering, or is this a game?

Just questions tonight, I suspect, as I close in on the New Year. It’s a season of change, and of reflection. It is a season of choices, memories, and moments.

…the new year is a blank page…

I put questions aside, and make time for gratitude. The house is comfortable, tidy, and warm. The bills are paid. I have what I need, generally; I am fortunate. I reflect on good fortune, and the temptation to feel “deserving” or that this life is entirely “earned” on my own effort. Both the notion of being “deserving” and the notion of having gotten here “on my own” are illusions, nothing more, and I turn away from the thinking errors that bring me to those ideas. I’m fortunate. I’ve had a lot of lucky breaks. I’ve had help, encouragement, support – and all of that matters. I would not be “here”, had I been less fortunate, or if I had had to make this journey entirely without friend, or aid, all alone. I’d be somewhere quite different, and, perhaps, however grateful to be in that place, I might also be an entirely different human being, with a different understanding of myself, and different dreams, walking a different path, toward a different future.

That, too, I let go, as the twilight of winter evening slowly fades to the darkness of nightfall. No reason to become attached to notions in the darkness. Grateful and inquisitive – these seem worthy of being some part of my essence. Contentment, too. I smile, and make room to appreciate the journey, and the woman I have become over time.

Tomorrow, I’ll begin again. There is further to go. 🙂

Tags 2018, 2019, a moment of gratitude, are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, essence, essentials, experience, fortunate, grateful, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, no one is actually alone, perspective, planning ahead, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, vaping, walking my own path, we're all in this together, what matters most?, what's next?, where does this path lead?, who will you choose to become?, words words words

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, inspiration, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, winter, Words

What “Is” Is

December 27, 2018 //

Sipping my coffee and letting my thoughts drift this morning. There’s a lot of fucking drama swirling around me, and people dear to me seem mired in it. Upon a closer look, they’re often causing it, seeking it, stoking it, creating it, and wrapping themselves in it as if for warmth. Yeesh. If you don’t want drama in your life… choose something else. Just saying.

Yes, I mean that seriously. lol It’s feasible.

Yes. Yes it is entirely feasible.

No, I’m not kidding.

Let’s start somewhere obvious (to me). Let’s start with language. Defining things is a thing we do. We use “is” to take a thing, and firmly connect it to a characteristic, which will then define that thing. “This ball is blue.” Easy example. I haven’t shown you a photograph, or provided any evidence, but now, you can picture, for yourself, that “the ball E.H. has is blue” and even “see” that, in your mind.

By the way; I’ve got no ball, blue or otherwise. Whole thing is a made up example. Just saying; we do this sort of thing to ourselves, with our own “defining characteristics” – and the things we think about other people – all the fucking time. Instant drama, particularly when there’s no ball there at all.

Seriously. That shit isn’t real. Or true. It’s totally made up.

Yeah…but… what color is my imaginary ball? You know, the one I was talking about?

Oh. That ball. It’s blue. Obviously. I already said.

…You see where this could go? How easily we can be misled? By our own words?

Whatever characteristics you ascribe to yourself through “is” and “am” have real power to change how you think and talk about yourself, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you behave. It changes who you see yourself to be. When you ascribe characteristics to others, through “is”, you create a clear picture of them in your mind, of who they “are”, and in so doing, you change who you see them to be – without any actual connection to their actual self. Who you think they are will change how you treat them, but it does not change who they in fact are. lol

I’m just saying, be careful with your words. Be careful with defining things – or yourself. You can really lock yourself into a set of behaviors or characteristics that may not be the person you most want to be.

Do you see where this is leading? Toward the suggestion that you use great care and precision when defining yourself? A suggestion to maybe not define yourself so specifically at all? A suggestion that there is value in disconnecting your sense of self from your historical actions, to lift yourself out of less than ideally desirable patterns of behavior, and allow yourself freedom to move on from all that? Yes. That’s where this is going. Do that. 🙂

You’ll still be accountable (and responsible) for your actions. This is not about that. This is, though, about moving on, and becoming well, and making positive changes. This is about perception, language, and how language influences how we treat ourselves and others.

Show yourself some kindness, for fuck’s sake. You can do better, and you surely deserve some kindness, and encouragement, from the person in the mirror. 🙂

I take one last look at this blue ball, before I toss it away. It takes practice to refrain from defining ourselves by our mistakes, our worst decisions, our perceived flaws, the essence of how we are criticized in life, or the bullshit we hear (even from ourselves) every day. That ball may bounce, but trust me, it’s not real anyway. Let it go.

It’s time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, blue balls, choose wisely, definitions, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am, I am my own cartographer, imagined flaws, is and isn't, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, perceived flaws, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sense of self, TBI, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, to be, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, winter, Words

Don’t Hate, And…

December 19, 2018 //

I am munching a healthy, nutritionally dense, calorie appropriate meal. Later, I’ll meditate, exercise, have a shower, and wind down for the evening. When I finally call it a night, the dishes will be done, counters clean, and there will be a general sense of tidiness, completion, and contentment. Is it “the right way”? I suggest it isn’t about that; it’s what meets my own needs. Your needs may differ. Do I live this way out of privilege? Wealth? Nope. It’s not that, either; I have lived this way without means, making do with nothing besides effort, will, and a sense of self. (It’s easier, as is everything else, when we have means, there’s no question about that, in my mind.) I’ve also lived quite differently.

…I’m not a kid anymore, and I’ve had time to explore what works for me, and figure out what “my way” may actually be. That matters, too… it has taken time to get here…

…I’m glad I had that time; there is further to go.

Tonight my Traveling Partner is far away, enjoying a very different evening, in the company of another person. I’m cool with that – even encouraging. It’s not reasonable, I think, to expect to be all things to even just one other person. I’m glad he has friends (and yes, even lovers), and a life beyond our relationship; this is what works for us. Our way. It fits. It is comfortable. The suffocating cling wrap of true monogamy doesn’t fit our natures, so it is not what we choose for ourselves. Is it “the right way”? You already know the answer; it isn’t about that. It is what meets our needs, and the needs of our loves. Your needs may differ. We treat each other well, and with great consideration, and this, too, is very much part of our way of living and loving. It works for us.

I’m not going to seek to persuade you that my life is “right” for you. I am not you. You’ve got to walk your own path. Discover your own values. Embrace your own journey. Chart your own course. Make your own choices. Walk your own hard mile. Sort yourself out. Find your own way. I’m not blazing a trail through a wilderness here; I’m living my life. I am neither prophet nor teacher. I’m one human being, with a lifetime of my own challenges, sort of “thinking out loud” while I work through them. Maybe you find that helpful, or entertaining, maybe you don’t. It is what it is.

I’m here. So are you. It’s enough. 🙂

I don’t need to be “right” on any of this. I’m just finding my own way in the darkness, and hoping for the best, each day counting on myself to be able to get some little detail a little more well handled than I did the day before, to maybe live with greater skill, and greater love, and maybe, just maybe… a small amount of wisdom gained over time.

…I’m glad I’ve had some time for that, too.

You know what I don’t have time for? I don’t have time for hate. Do I hate people who don’t live “my way”? Of course not; they are walking their own path, having their own experience, and quite likely also, generally, do whatever they individually think is “best”. We may differ on our approach, our choices, and our values. We may experience very different outcomes… but I, for one, do not have time to hate. Do you?

Do you, really?

I finish my dinner, and think about the future. I think about all the many beautiful dreams of beautiful futures that have, over time, come and gone, rather like soap bubbles. Fragile. Colorful. Delightful. Unable to endure life’s breezes and thorns long enough to ever be anything more than beautiful dreams, already gone, so many already forgotten. There are others. There likely will be other dreams of beautiful futures for however long a future seems to be ahead of me at all, down to the last day of consciousness, and living. That, too, is what it is. I am very human.

This moment isn’t as poignant as it may sound, reading it off a page. There’s still time to begin again. I finish dinner, and start on the dishes. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, do you, don't follow me, don't manifest that bullshit here, easy there these are my rules, emotional self sufficiency, experience, finding my comfort zone, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, I'm not your prophet, listening deeply, love and lovers, love me do, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, OPD, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, read the map, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walk on, walk your own path, walking my own path, what matters most?, what works for me

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

“Because”

December 10, 2018 //

My work day is over. My Traveling Partner, and friends, have journeyed onward from this place, for places elsewhere, undetermined, and for me, unknown. I am tired. Figuring on writing a few words before (quite probably) napping… maybe… It was a short night. I sat down, fingers poised over the keyboard… Nothing.

I find myself wondering “why”, which so often leads to attempting to attribute a cause to this or that experience, which tends to lead me away from just having – and being present for – the experience, itself. More thinking about, than doing. “Because…” is sort of funny that way. We use it to excuse, to justify, to explain, to support – we squeeze a lot out of that one word. I’m not certain of the general usefulness of “because…”, considering how often I am just fucking incorrect in some momentary reaction to some circumstance or situation; I just don’t know enough to root-cause every detail of my life, and I’ve finally realized that it doesn’t actually help, most of the time. So… I mostly avoid “because…” these days. It’s a word that seems to immediately precede not continuing to live life, but instead toward pausing to re-evaluate it, often repeatedly. Tedious.

…Have you ever tried to go through a day without using the word “because”? Like, actually live life without making excuses, or trying to tie one event to another using causality? Instead, just accepting the moments, one by one, living them, observing the experience, and practicing both compassionate acceptance and non-attachment? I often try. I often fail. It’s more challenging than it appears. I could use more practice…

…Right now, though? I mostly could use a nap. LOL

Tags be the change, because, emotional self sufficiency, experience, I am my own cartographer, mindful living, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, words words words

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, inspiration, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Words

Achievement Unlocked

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What Is Your Essence?

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What “Is” Is

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Don’t Hate, And…

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“Because”

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