Archives for posts with tag: begin again

The path ahead in life often isn’t all that clear. From one day to the next, it can very much feel like forward momentum is unpredictable, chaotic, and fraught with unexpected trail hazards, literal pitfalls, and lacking a map, shit gets… complicated. Practicing healthy practices, particularly those associated with mindfulness, and good self-care, definitely help keep me on the path, but it’s still a journey without a map.

…How do I get from wandering (with purpose) to… orienteering?

I found myself thinking over what kinds of small things motivate me most – those little personal celebrations of milestones and goals achieved that serve to bolster my resolve – and support my resilience. I think about diet and exercise. I think about staying on track to meet various personal and professional goals. I consider meaning, purpose, intention, and will.

The path ahead isn’t always obvious.

Two nights in a row of relatively poor sleep. Brain grinding away on whatever it can’t let go of until the next day. Nightmares (war… pandemic… civil unrest… it’s all a bit much, and it’s finally hit my sleep). Funny thing is, somehow, I’m managing to make use of the chaos and anxiety to prompt some needed self-reflection, and re-assess some values, some goals, some ways of getting from points A to points B, and beyond.

It’s gotten me more serious about healthy exercise, again. I’ve resumed daily walks with more enthusiasm and real joy, and found some fun in my dumb bell workout and step exercises. Honestly? I’d like to be around, and healthy, a long time – and spend that with my Traveling Partner in good health and good cheer. πŸ™‚ I found an exercise challenge app I like, and that’s helpful for a bit of “gamification” to motivate me further. (I’m not linking it, because I haven’t used it long enough to endorse it.) This is something that works for me, at least during an initial “habit building/rebuilding” process. πŸ™‚

…Also… why would I not choose an opportunity to have some fun, at all? Fun is good, right? Joy? Also good, yeah? I’m not feeling like dragging around more misery, or punishing myself for not being good enough to clear some high hurdle I stupidly set for myself. lol I just want to enjoy a sunny day, some fresh air, and the flowers along the way. πŸ™‚ Isn’t that enough to be something worth doing? πŸ˜€

Apps come and go. Fitness trackers, too, wax and wane in popularity nearly as often as the moon phases change. I find it rather obviously okay to change with the changing times, and with the changing tools. Change is a thing. People know about it. πŸ˜‰

Anyway… it’s a lovely day to begin again, to make a choose, to course correct, to choose a new path… to turn the page.

Ask the questions. Do the verbs.

You are your own cartographer. You get to write your own map. Your results may vary – but they’re yours. ❀ Maybe it’s time to begin again?

I’m sitting quietly. Breathing. Relaxing. Listening to music. Watching the sun begin to sink toward the horizon, through the drawn shade of the window. This is a quiet moment, this “now”, right here. It’s enough. It’s not fancy, or complicated. Just a quiet moment.

…Tomorrow… camping. I’m packed. Ready for it. Excited about it, in spite of the summer heat. I already miss my Traveling Partner… although he’s just in the other room. lol We’ve so rarely been separated since the start of the pandemic, it feels strange to contemplate being apart for… “so long” (2 entire days, 3 nights, and 2 partial days, not really all that long).

…Yeah…I can’t focus to sit and write at all really. I’d rather being hanging out with my partner… I guess I’ll have to begin again. πŸ˜‰

Apparently the NOAA has determined that July 2021 was not just the hottest month of the year so far, nor the hottest in the recent decade. Nope. Bigger than that; it is the hottest the globe has been in (recorded) history. G’damn, that’s fucking hot. Now, you can dispute science if you choose to, but in this case, we’re just talking about data entry. Tracked numbers. Observations over time. I’m just saying… it’s fucking hot, and getting hotter. The weather all around the globe is weird and getting weirder.

…We could have done better by this planet than we have. I sure hope it isn’t too late to do better (enough) now…

I’m going camping next week. I’ll head out on Sunday, and don’t plan to return before Wednesday afternoon. I’m eager to get some solo time out in the trees (yes, even in the heat of summer). No news feed. No cell signal. No work. No work interruptions. No interpersonal stress, or miscommunications. No “interpersonal” anything, really. Me, the heat, the trees, the chipmunks (plague?), the squirrels (hantavirus?), the deer (ticks! lyme disease?)… I’ll just keep my distance. There’ll be plenty of that.

A different camping trip, a couple years ago; it’s been too long.

The heat is hard on me, though, I admit that. I’m in less pain of the specifically osteo-arthritis variety, but more, other pain – anything aggravated by the heat. I feel “puffy” and sluggish. Effort seems to require more effort. The heat is hard on my Traveling Partner, too, and since he is out in the shop, working in it, trying to stay focused, work with care, and get shit done, he’s sometimes cross, sometimes frustrated. I know it isn’t personal. (I can’t help but think he’ll enjoy a couple days of uninterrupted shop-time, particularly if the weather cools somewhat, as the forecast suggests it may.)

This morning, I went out to the car, and noticed one tire was weirdly low. I mentioned it to my partner who insisted, after filling it, that I go get it checked out so he won’t worry about it while I’m on the road. I agree to do that, although I was of a mind that it was probably “nothing”. I was entirely correct about that, too, if by “nothing” I meant that there was screw stuck in my tire that would likely result in a proper flat or a blow out on the road, if I didn’t get it repaired straight away. (Which is not what I meant by “nothing”, at all, and I was supremely grateful that my partner insisted.) I went ahead and got the oil changed (overdue) while I was at it, and had some basic (also overdue) service done. How did I fall behind on this?? I wonder, and then I let it go; truth is, there’s been so much “getting done” of shit in the past year, that it’s surprising that more hasn’t fallen through the cracks, than has. I breathe, exhale, relax, and let it go. “Doing my best” isn’t about doing all of the things, promptly and skillfully, without ever having a “queue” of pending shit to do piling up. It’s about doing what I actually can, as well as I actually can, and being as okay with that outcome as I am able to be. I am human, not machinery.

Still, and again. The very best practices work that way.

Speaking of a list of things to do, my list of things to do before I go camping is still longer than I’d like it to be. Probably won’t get to all of it, but I will make a point to prioritize those things most likely to aggravate my partner in my absence. (I rather like that guy, and I’d like to do my part to ensure my time away is also “down time” for him!)

…I guess that makes it time to begin again, in spite of the heat of the day.

A week ago, I stumbled and fell. For days afterward I’ve felt rather as if I had received a serious beating (and yeah, I do know what that feels like), between the pain of falling on uneven concrete, and the usual aches and pains. It’s been much to take. The heat, the profound hotter-than-it-seems-it-should-be heat of this pandemic summer has surged back toward record-breaking temperatures, and is expected to get hotter before it cools off to more typical hot summer temperatures over the weekend. (Camping next week should be fairly comfortable, for many values of “comfort”.) Today? Just a day. Yesterday, mostly pretty pleasant. Another fine day. I don’t feel as if I’ve done all that much, really, and I don’t hurt quite as much today as I have for the last handful of days. How the hell am I so g’damned tired??

…Right at the moment, I feel like “my brain can barely lift a finger”. Or something like that. So tired. I could tumble into bed right now, quite content to sleep through the night.

Why am I so tired??

I take a deep breath. Exhale slowly and evenly. Repeat a couple times, feeling various localized points of pain or discomfort come to the forefront of my awareness and once acknowledged, recede again into the background noise of pain that is just… there. I sip this can of name-brand fizzy beverage – the human equivalent of “nectar”, it’s got so much sugar in it. I take a moment to appreciate these small cans that are everywhere now. I never could finish an entire soda by myself – these are perfect. I know this boost of sugar will lift my spirits and my energy for a short time (very short) (too short), and likely find me crashing sometime soon after, even more fucking tired.

I could sleep. I’m an adult. It’s my time. My bed. My general well-being… I could just go the fuck to bed and get some rest, like a proper decision-making adult…

…I don’t want to. I want my energy back. I want to feel eager to make a great meal to share with my Traveling Partner. I want to feel engaged and alert and interested in hearing what he’s been up to, today, and what his plans are for projects-in-progress, this week. I barely care enough to even wonder what might be convenient to throw in a bowl and call “food” for the two of us. Am I even hungry?

…Am I over medicated? Incorrectly medicated? Under medicated? Misunderstanding where my energy went or what consumed it? Did I sleep so poorly that I did not rest? Maybe I just need a drink of water? Or…?

I actually feel so tired that I’m cross with it – have been almost all day – and finding myself on the edge of tears again and again, simply from the fatigue. That tired. Literally stupid with the fatigue. I’m stupid tired. But could I actually sleep? I’m doubtful. So… what now? My partner let me know he’d love my help in the shop, even as he acknowledged his awareness of my fatigue – I almost went to help, even knowing how fatigued I am. It’s a dumb idea; in addition to “stupid”, I’m probably also quite clumsy, or prone to a lack of attention that is actually dangerous around machinery. So… yeah. I figured I’d write for a minute, instead… I mean… how badly can I fuck this up? (It’s probably shot through with spelling errors I just don’t see, if nothing else.)

How I ended up just on and on about how tired I feel in this one limited mortal moment, I have no idea. I guess it’s just the thing on my mind. πŸ™‚

…I could begin again…

Happy Monday, y’all. It’s been hours since my morning coffee, and the afternoon is heating up quickly. I’ve got my bottle of cold water at my desk, and a covered mug of hot noodles for a quick lunch. My Traveling Partner is in his shop, doing shop things. I’m staring into an abyss of spreadsheets and a to-do list that is frankly embarrassing in length. I take a long drink of water and remind myself it is a job, and I’m being paid to do it. This time is not my own (well, I mean, right now is my lunch break, so… that’s mine).

I breathe deeply. My exhale becomes a heavy sigh. I’m mostly fine. I’m just sort of cross. This has, so far, been one of those days that seems as if every attempt I make at affection, appreciation, positive connection… any bid at all really, directed to my partner is met with… a surly, rather terse, somewhat parental tone. I’m annoyed with that. It’s not at all where my own head is at. I’m finding, as a result, that I’m just irked with the whole fucking day I find myself wrapped in. I’m okay with saying I’m annoyed by it. Real enough. What to do about it is another matter. So far, continued attempts are not being met well, so I’ve sort of given up on it for the time being. I’m in “task processing mode”, focused on practical matters and getting shit done, one step at a time, without becoming emotionally invested at all. Considering how much I enjoy my partner’s appreciation, affection, and approval, it’s sometimes very tough to let it go and hold on to the awareness that we’re each having our own experience.

Honestly, we’re a hilarious partnership. We adore each other, and generally manage the day-to-day with humor and delighted affection for each other. Sometimes it’s not that easy, and my brain injury definitely gets in the way of things now and then. I try to be patient with myself, even when he’s having trouble being patient with me, himself. I work hard on not taking his impatience with me at all personally; I know that it is not. I can be surprisingly clumsy sometimes, or awkward, or hapless, or somehow offset from his understanding of whatever the hell is going on at the moment. We are each having our own experience, that’s unavoidable. We are not one being, one mind. We’re two entirely separate human primates, making a go of life together. πŸ™‚ A shared journey, not an identical one.

I give my noodles a chance to cool a bit. I don’t really feel up to adding a burned mouth to my list of bullshit to deal with today. lol I have choices. I can change my experience – and change my perspective on it (I was pretty irritable and on the edge of tears when I started this, now I’m just hungry*. lol). Resilience doesn’t seem to be about never reacting, or avoiding the occasional bad mood, so much as being about shortening that period of time between when a feeling or experience develops, and when I’ve gained useful perspective on it. It’s enough to be able to make that journey. I sometimes even feel that I’m getting pretty good at doing it with a measure of skill. πŸ™‚

…I sure know how to begin again… πŸ˜€

*By the time I finished writing through my lunch break, and having a bit of a pleasant chat with my partner about shop-related matters, and connecting in a loving way, I was once again in a comfortable place emotionally. Feels good. Didn’t honestly take that long to get from “there” to here, and the lack of residual negative emotion clogging up my experience of self (and this Monday) speaks volumes for how far I’ve really come since 2013. I’m sometimes pretty blown away when I reflect on the likelihood that a bit of emotional weather of this sort could have been days or weeks worth of feelings of despair, futility, and irritation. That’s a long way from where I am now. πŸ™‚ Worth celebrating. I slurp my noodles contentedly. This works.