It’s well into the afternoon. I’m done with work, both the day and the week. I’ve been out onto the beach, eating a picnic lunch (hounded by seagulls) and snapping pictures (at least the seagulls were willing to pose). I’m back to the room, weary and happy, and a bit chilly.
“May I join you…?”
It says something that my fully charged phone is now down to 12% battery after taking pictures of this-n-that as I walked. That’s a lot of pictures. I count 106 photos today, and 4 videos. lol It was a satisfying walk. My tracker says almost 2 miles. I’m okay with that; it’s neither a competition nor is it a race. No trophy. No accolades. Just a couple miles on my boots, and a happy smile. I’ll probably sleep well tonight.
Returning to the warmth and comfort of the hotel room, I swap shoes for slippers, and put on water for a cup of herb tea (I’ve definitely had enough coffee). I put on my headphones, thinking ahead to music or a video, but end up just listening to the enhanced quiet of noise-cancellation (and my tinnitus). I say a silent “thanks!” to my Traveling Partner, who had recommended these particular headphones – the freedom of Bluetooth, combined with comfort and enhanced quiet. I’m a fan.
I forget all about tea, music, and videos, as I flip through the pictures…
The recent storms piled up extra driftwood, and left very little beach (this was shot very near to low tide).
I sign out loud contentedly, each picture bringing back some moment, a sight, a feeling…
Across the channel, the seals gather to nap in the sunshine.
I yawn. Might not make it to that cup of tea at all. A nap is starting to sound good… and I’ve got this book to read… I smile and stretch lazily. I can do what I like. I don’t know yet what that will be. I’ve got options. I suppose I’ll give it a minute, and then… begin again. 😉
I’m sipping my coffee and taking a break from reviewing an unexpectedly long list of new opportunities to consider. It’s a Monday, and for now the “new normal” in my work day is about looking for new work.
An earlier than necessary start feels consistent with an adult lifetime of working, and both gives me a leg up on the day, and an opportunity to slip out of the house well-before my Traveling Partner awakens. Ideally, this let’s him sleep in a bit, and that thought fills me with joy. (Human primates need to be able to rest even at the best of times, and we’ve both been ill for days and earnestly need as much rest as we can get.) Rest is not exclusively about sleep, though, and I make a point to take a short break from compiling job leads and catching up on various other job search tasks. I take a short walk around the block in the morning air under a soft gray rather featureless sky, then sit down to write – with a fresh cup of coffee.
I sip my coffee and sigh quietly out loud in this co-work space that will soon no longer be available. It’s hard to make a small business thrive in tough economic times. The shifting culture with regard to work, and whether that is in-office or remote work for many roles that lack a clear actual need to be “on site” for some legitimate business purpose, makes operating a co-work space a less than ideally secure business prospect in a small town, and the one I frequent is closing. For me, the convenience of a co-work space near to home has been a handy luxury that I appreciate – I’ll be sad to lose it.
I take a moment for gratitude – for this convenient space, and also for the ease with which I’ll be able to pivot to a different approach, a new routine, a new normal, after this final week in this quiet place. I’m fortunate. I’ve got a career that works well with remote work, and an approach to work that allows me considerable flexibility personally as to whether I work in-office or remotely in the first place. I’ve got a partnership at home that supports my freedom to choose from my options in the fashion that best suits me at the time, and a partner that “gets it” about why I might choose one thing or another. I enjoy another sip of my still-hot second cup of coffee as I reflect upon my good fortune, knowing it may not last, enjoying it while it does.
One of the challenges, for me, on life’s journey, has been finding myself distracted from “here and now” by yearnings for… something else. It’s not particularly helpful to become mired in what isn’t on this journey from where I am to where I will be later on. It’s a bit like trudging through ankle deep sticky mud; it may not stop me from making progress, but it will surely slow that progress considerably more than if I were simply moving forward on my path, step by step, with presence, care, and commitment. “Be here, now” is a powerful recommendation and reliably good starting point for a new beginning. “We become what we practice”, and there is a notable difference between desperate yearnings to become or to transform, and actual practices that result in authentic changes – and real progress toward a goal. Then, too, there’s the goal-less forward momentum of honest self-evaluation, freed from the constraints of the expectations and demands of others – which also grinds to a halt when I find myself mired that sticky mud of yearning to be something or someone else. “Yearning” hasn’t seemed to get me very far in life. It’s a peculiar sort of getting in my own way, by setting up the dream of something better, investing deeply in fantasies of that dream, and then… being frustrated that the dream never comes to life, all without noticing that the time spent dreaming the dream is at the expense of taking any actions to proceed down a path that could actually lead in that direction. Most peculiar. “Yearning” is interesting as verbs go; it seems to prevent actual action. I sip my coffee and consider it further.
…And here I am, at 60, still wondering what I want to be “when I grow up” lol…
…There is time to slow down, and enjoy the day. Time to write. To enjoy another coffee.
I don’t spend much time yearning these days. I don’t want for much. It’s less about “having it all” (hell, right now with no job and limited cash-flow and savings, I’m particularly alert to how finite my resources are), more to do with approaching life from a position of perspective, mindfulness, and sufficiency. It could be so much worse. I’m not yearning for fame or power or wealth. I’m content with living simply, with having enough, and I find adequate joy in the small things that work for me. I’ve got enough bullshit and baggage to work on without creating more headaches for myself by chasing other people’s daydreams for what I could have or who I could be. Yearning doesn’t fit into my day plan. LOL Still… Gnothi seauton. Self-reflection is a worthy endeavor. Getting lost in a labyrinth of yearnings seems less so.
I sip my coffee thinking about “being”. It isn’t always easy facing the woman in the mirror and some of her difficult questions (or painful accusations and burdensome disappointments). Reliably, however, I’ve found it far easier to make progress if I am making where I presently stand (and who I authentically am) as my starting point on any new beginning. Going from “here” to “there” is definitely simpler when I understand where “here” is.
…Funny thing… and a serendipitous coincidence… these themes are deeply explored in the sci-fi “space opera” that my Traveling Partner and I have been enjoying together while we’ve been ill. Babylon 5. Being vs yearning. Power and the consequences of seeking it. The corrupting influence of greed. The importance of love and compassion. Our very human journey of self, over the course of a lifetime. The heroic and the mundane, and this very human journey we call life. I’m sure immersing myself in the skillfully created fictional universe of Babylon 5 has done much to infuse my self-reflection with additional depth… posing new or old questions that very much want to be, if not answered, at least well-considered. So… I consider them. I consider me. I consider this moment in my journey, and where I presently stand with myself. I consider life and love and partnership. I consider what matters most, and how best to serve my mortal purpose.
I consider. I ponder. I muse. I wonder. I sip my coffee and prepare to begin again.
I watched a couple videos recently that “spoke to me”. One is a child coaching her Mom about treating people well – it’s a study in emotional intelligence. The other is a favorite content creator’s take on the way so many people make themselves miserable. I liked each of these for different reasons, but they both really resonated with me in some way, and I am sharing them with you – maybe you’ll find something of value in these, too? 🙂
I am sipping my coffee on a chilly Sunday morning in Spring. The weather looks nice. It was pleasant yesterday, too. My Traveling Partner and I hung out most of yesterday, talking over his gear as he packs for a trip away. I am simultaneously looking forward to a few days home alone, and also dreading the first moment my heart and soul realize he isn’t right here. lol I know I want (and need) the alone time, but… I will still miss him like crazya lot. I’m not really looking forward to missing him; that bit hurts more than a little bit. I’ll be okay though – I’ll deal with it.
Sometimes the only thing we can do with or about a challenge in life is… deal with it. Cope. Accept something unpleasant or unavoidable. Change something within my power to make a change. Let it pass. Move along. Walk on. Breathe. Take action. Understand that results will likely vary. Demonstrate endurance and resilience. Adapt.
I sip my coffee and think my thoughts. Honestly, we could use a few days to miss each other – super helpful now and then, simply having the chance to reflect on the absence of someone dear, and be reminded how much we value their companionship, their humor, their touch, or other specific details that characterize our experience together.
I woke after a restless night. My Traveling Partner woke me a couple times during the night to ask me to roll over or change position. My snoring must have been pretty bad. I woke feeling relatively well-rested. I must have been clumsy and bumbling about making a racket in spite of myself; he woke shortly after I did, annoyed and not feeling well-rested at all. I made coffee for both of us, and made haste to the studio, to give him a chance to wake up and sort himself out without interference from me. Soon enough we’ll both forget these sorts of moments while we are missing each other and other sorts of moments we spend together. I’m grateful he’s thought of so many little things to make the time apart as low stress as possible. I smile, sip my coffee, and think nice thoughts at this human being I love so well, sipping his coffee in the other room on a chilly Spring morning.
…Camping season (for me) already…? It’s definitely feeling that way. The nights are warmer. The days are longer. The gear is ready. My partner is taking the truck for some solo camping this week. We’ve got a camping trip together planned for my birthday. I’m excited about that. 60 this year. It’s been 10 years of Evening Light. (Wow!) That’s worth celebrating. 😀
Another sip of this very good cup of coffee, and I start thinking about the day ahead. Sunday. Housekeeping mostly, I guess, and getting ready for the week ahead. I’ll have some alone time, but it’s also a work week. No point going to the co-work space; I’ll work from home this week. I’m looking forward to that too. Sunday is still laundry day, and grocery shopping if any needs to be done, and dishes, and taking out trash and recycling… routine household chores. Good day for it. I’ll get out into the garden for a while, too, I suppose. A merry and ordinary Sunday ahead…
…I suppose there’s nothing left to do but begin again…
It’s a good morning to sip coffee and just be here. It’s a pleasant moment. Funny enough, if it were an unpleasant moment, it would probably still be a potentially good moment to simply be… maybe just not right in that spot. lol Embracing authenticity, and also seeking to be the best version of myself I am able to be, tends to “make life easier”, if only by reducing the amount of bullshit I’m attempting to support, manage, dispense, or accept. Trying to “manage” every micro-expression to ensure I’m always “wearing the right face” is exhausting. Why do that? Just breathe, and be. Not an excuse to be a jackass; don’t do that. Be your most worthy self moment-to-moment. Make your best decisions – or be wise enough to set some decisions aside for a time when you can make them with a clear head. Be kind, honest, frank – and withhold unkind or harsh words for a time when you can find the words to communicate your point without being cruel or adversarial. Things like that really matter.
…I know it’s a lot to ask of a simple, mortal, human primate. We’re complicated and we almost seem to relish doing stupid shit and getting things entirely wrong. For example, we broadly proclaim the explicit value of reason, but truly we lead with our emotions pretty reliably. One might expect that, knowing we are such emotional creatures, we would also be of very high “emotional intelligence” and would put quite a lot of developmental time educationally into learning about emotions, how they work, the biochemistry of our emotions, the differences between “feelings” and “sensations”, the differences between feeling and thinking, and how best to express our emotions skillfully… but no; we prefer to bumble about in ignorance for some reason. It’s as if we think that by ignoring emotions we can escape them. lol (Doesn’t work that way.)
How much fucking trauma does humanity inflict upon itself over the lack of understanding of our fucking emotions, and lack of skill communicating or managing them? (Like, a whole lot – it was a rhetorical question.)
The news is mostly bad. The war drags on in Ukraine. Americans continue to slaughter children with guns. Wealth and privilege still insulate some people from the consequences of their actions. People still take sides in arguments of false dichotomies. Scammers continue to take what they can from anyone they can deceive. For-profit medicine continues to fail those who can’t afford to pay. For-profit education continues to take money out of the pockets of people who can ill-afford to waste it on empty promises of future success. Humans being human. We could do so much better – for ourselves, for each other, for the world.
Don’t mind me. I’m not even feeling gloomy this morning. Just sitting here sipping coffee fairly contentedly. Happy that I’m not sitting in an office in the city every day, killing time between two arbitrary points on the clock, hoping my car isn’t broken into while it’s parked, and hoping that I don’t get mugged or shot or stabbed on my way to my car at the end of the day. It all sounds much gloomier than I mean it to.
…Maybe it’s the gray, chilly morning coloring my thoughts…
I’m one human being, doing (mostly) my best to be the woman I most want to be. I’m good with it. Some days I’m a better version of myself than others. When I fall short of my own expectations of who I am – or could be – I at least know I can give it another go, some other time. I can “begin again” – with the experience of my most recent failures to grow from. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s something.
…Do new things, grow from those experiences, keep “becoming”…
This past weekend, my Traveling Partner and I went out for a drive in his truck. We had spent exciting hours exploring videos of off-roading and overland adventuring (in vehicles) and were pretty eager to take the truck out beyond the paved city streets. It was fun. We even got out into the wilds enough to reach snow, and to face a (brief, momentary) concern that just perhaps we may have “gone too far”. lol It was fun. The campgrounds we passed on the BLM land were still closed for the season, but we spotted some lovely places to get away that are actually quite near to home, though they felt very remote. What a fun adventure. I’m still thinking about it quite happily.
I look at the time and realize it’s already time to begin again… 😀
Another morning. Another Friday. Another cup of coffee. 😀
I sat down with other thoughts, but as the minutes passed my thoughts just sort of … dissipated. I’m left with this pleasant quiet moment and this cup of coffee. It’s enough. I feel contented, and I am safe and warm inside, while a strangely snowy rain falls steadily outside.
I woke too early. Headed to the co-work space early. I was hopeful my Traveling Partner would be able to get some additional rest (he was already up when I woke), but based on the continued conversation via text, I guess he was not able to go back to sleep. I sip my coffee hoping he has at least had enough rest to support the needs of his day. I’m tired, but not groggy (which is nice), and I would have happily gone back to sleep after getting up to pee at 04:25, but his audible exclamation of relief that I was “finally” up fueled a decision to, instead, properly get my day started a bit early. I’m not cross about it; should be a short day, today.
I think about the weekend ahead. What will I do with it? What will we do with it together? Sunday evening I’ll head into the city for a work “on site” event that spans a couple days, before returning home Wednesday. The week after that I’ve got a couple days on the coast planned. I find myself hoping he is easily able to sleep while I’m gone.
My back aches from the cold chilly weather. My face hurts because my occipital neuralgia has flared up. My head aches, but, honestly, when doesn’t it? It’s all just physical pain. Noise. I breathe, exhale, and relax – which rarely seems to actually reduce the pain I’m in, but sometimes does sort of “push it off to the side” and render it rather harmless. I take time to meditate. Do some yoga. I feel ready for the day ahead. It’s a good feeling.
I yawn and queue up a study playlist – maybe this week I’ll take my next certification exam? Life itself doesn’t give us many “credentials” for basic adulting or successfully thriving… but “credentials” are out there for the taking, on a wide variety of topics and skills, in many areas of human endeavor. Feel like you need one? Go get it! Do the coursework. Do the study. Take the test(s). Looks great on a resume – and feels pretty good to complete. 😀 What are you interested in? Are you learning that? If not, why not? What are you waiting for? You’ve got the entire internet in front of you and you’re sitting here with me? Ready this? I promise you my feelings will not be hurt if you choose, instead, to go learn something that could have a significant payoff in skills, ease, or enjoyment of life – or even money. lol Do you.
The day begins to break through the pre-dawn gloom. It’s snowing now (again). The sky is gray. It’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 