for better or worse | Evening Light

Self-care matters. How can you cope with what life is going to throw at you without taking care of your physical body or nurturing your good heart? How do you keep practicing without adequate rest and good nutrition? How can you heal from trauma or bounce back from a trying moment without caring for yourself? The answer isn’t new information; you can’t. I mean, maybe for a short while you’d manage, but over the long haul?

Practice good self-care.

Even in the midst of chaos, make a point to take time to rest.

Things are pretty intense lately, and probably for a few more days (maybe weeks) to come. Juggling work, caregiving, and the requirements of maintaining a household is complicated, fraught with potential for miscommunication and missteps, and just fucking difficult. It is chaotic and emotionally challenging. Maintaining a sense of calm and optimism is hard. Sometimes it feels very “personal”, but reason tells me it’s not personal at all. Just really really hard.

I often feel as if I am not up to the challenges I am facing. I remain wholly committed to doing my best, moment to moment, though I recognize that it sometimes isn’t enough. I avoid lashing out when I am feeling hurt, frustrated, or angry – there’s nothing to be gained from that kind of reaction right now. My results vary, and I keep on practicing. I refrain from “venting” my anger or frustration; the science is in on that (it doesn’t help and tends to increase how quickly a person becomes angry, and how intensely, over time). It’s incredibly difficult to maintain this level of self-discipline in the face of the present challenges.

… I keep practicing…

Eventually this too will pass. I don’t know what the future holds, and I can’t see the path ahead clearly, but I keep walking, literally and metaphorically. I keep practicing the practices that have helped me become the person I am, and which continue to lead me down the path of becoming the person I most want to be. Incremental change over time is a process.

Right now self-care is keeping me from completely losing my way and descending into chaos. It doesn’t always feel like enough, but it’s something. I am relying on it.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. For a few minutes I can simply walk, and breathe, and reflect. Where does this path lead? I watch the sun rise. I listen to the birds, squirrels and chipmunks start their day. I notice the pain I’m in. I only give it enough attention to take care of it; self-care matters. I take my medication on time trying to “stay ahead of the pain”. I keep walking.

A lot of our chaos, pain, and hardship is created by our own efforts or thinking. I do my best to avoid making up shit to be stressed or angry about. I just don’t need the additional emotional burden, ever really, and especially right now. I breathe and let shit go. I walk and practice forgiveness and gratitude. I remind myself “this too will pass”…

… and I just keep walking…

Another breath, another moment, another sunrise; another chance to begin again.

This too shall pass? I know it’s real – I sometimes wish it weren’t.

I’m sipping coffee on a pleasant Wednesday. No stress. Just a “regular work day”… only, like I said, no stress. It’s nice. I’m in the office today, mostly because I’ve got an afternoon appointment at the VA, and it’s more convenient this way. Partly because it’s Wednesday… which has turned out to be a first rate day to come in to the office, then run errands on the way home that would be out of the way under other circumstances (but are quite convenient driving back from this location). The morning unfolds gently. I’m first into the office. I catch up on things, make a pot of coffee for colleagues who will arrive shortly, and pour a cup for myself. The cityscape beyond the window by my desk is just beginning to show hints of daylight – the sky is gray and overcast. One day of many, so far a good one.

…This too shall pass… it sounds ominous on a good day. LOL It’s just as real as pointing it out on a difficult day, though. I let the aphorism remind me to slow down and really savor this pleasant morning. Enjoy the journey. Take time to take time. Breathe, exhale, relax – and let the smile on my face reflect the contentment and joy in my heart.

What the hell, though? What’s with the merriment ‘n shit this morning? No idea. I just feel pretty good. Pain? Sure. Managed. Headache? Yeah, that too, and it was what woke me shortly before my alarm would have gone off. Rough. Still a good morning. Appointment anxiety about the CT scan later? Not much, no, it’s just an appointment to get an image done. There’s nothing much to fuss over, and work is comfortably planned and organized in front of me. That appointment, from this vantage point, is a fairly distant concern of little consequence. So, I sip my coffee with a smile. It’s enough.

Don’t forget to pause and really take note of the good times. Small joys matter, too. Maybe more than our biggest fears and stressful moments. “Filling my tank” on these pleasant experiences allows me to become more resilient in the face of less ideal circumstances. (This has always been true, although there was a time when I did not know it, and missed the opportunity to nurture and support myself from within.)

I load a playlist and begin again.

Self-care Matters

Good Times

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Self-care Matters

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