Archives for posts with tag: global conflict

I arrived at the trailhead. Not my usual, but I come here now and then on weekends. It was still dark when I arrived. There was a sketchy looking white van already parked in the parking lot, tucked back among the shadows. This area is day use only, and it’s strange to see another vehicle here when I arrive.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

I park and grab my cane and my headlamp, and start down the trail. I’d only gone a short distance when I heard a sound that turned my blood to ice water in my veins. It was a hoarse sort of screaming. Cougar? Here? I’m not certain, but it’s definitely not a friendly or welcoming sound. It is clearly a warning. There’s too much legitimate potential for danger; I immediately turn back and quickly make my way back to the car. There are safer trails to walk before dawn.

I watch the sunrise begin in my rearview, bold hues of orange diffused in soft white fog banks, until I reach the trailhead of a familiar suburban trail nearer to home. It feels safe. No sketchy battered white van with the logo on the side faded and partially scuffed off and darkened windows. No sounds of a cougar screaming in the darkness, making her way to the riverbank. No threats at all. Just the soft woosh of the nearby HVAC atop the buildings here.

I walk thinking about safety, threat assessment, and what it means to live in a world surrounded by legitimate threats against one’s safety or survival. More than the momentary terror of a cougar on a trail, or the vague anxiety provoked by an unknown van parked in the shadows, I mean the real practical imminent threats that are part of human conflict (Palestine, Ukraine, Iran, others). Drones. Bombs. Bullets. “Is there anyone down range?” I silently ask myself, recalling so many visits to the firing range. (Is there anyone left who is not “down range” in these troubling times?) It’s not rare for whole nations of noncombatants to live in mortal terror, which seems pretty fucking horrible and entirely unnecessary.

… It’s easy to change my mind about a trail, the choices are less clear for people whose actual homes and communities are threatened by violence…

Hey, Humanity, I’m loving the whole “Earth” thing, and the flora and fauna are amazing. Great stuff. I’ve just got some notes… Let’s see, oh, right. Stop fucking killing each other! Fucking hell. The waste and expense are ridiculous, and compounded by lost resources. Can we not?

We could do better. I sigh to myself as I get to my halfway point. There is mist filling all the lowland places. Dense fog in spots near various rivers. I breathe, exhale, and relax. No bombs falling here. I am grateful. I hope it lasts. I yawn and watch a fat raccoon and her youngsters waddle quickly past me, across the trail, and down into the trees along the creek bank.

The morning is off to a weird start. I stretch, and sigh, and get ready to begin again.

Where does our path lead?

Coffee time. A Saturday morning. Strawberry yogurt. An icy glass of water after a hot soak. Feet up. Quiet moment.

…So many practices and choices have gone into creating this moment of calm, it wasn’t “effortless” in the sense that I’ve changed a lot over the years, and am now this woman in this place, having this moment…

No, I’m not going to talk about “the war”, or any number of terrible foreign conflicts going on the in world. I know they’re going on. You know they’re going on. We all know that in subtle ways we (or our government) did or did not do some thing that contributed to the environment that allowed conditions to fester until conflict erupted. So… do better. Yeah. That’s a good start. Do better. Yes, you. Me, too. Demand better choices and actions from your government, too. Speak up if you are opposed to violence. (If you’re not opposed to violence, then, um… do better. Damn. Clean up your mess.)

If you start to get the sense that I’m “selfishly” “over-committed” to my self-care lately, your perception is not incorrect, but your interpretation of my motivation could use some additional nuance and a deeper understanding. I’m a veteran. I’ve served in active conflict. I’ve participated in warfare – both of the cold variety and the other sort. I’ve done some things that have scarred me. I’ve seen some things that have traumatized me. I’ve been through some shit. I’ve seen human beings do things human beings indisputably ought not be asked to do. I’ve seen other human beings pay the terrible price. There are no “good wars”. There is no justification for the slaughter of non-combatants. Ever. At all. On anyone’s (or any god’s) behalf. So. I’m hurting right now, and often wandering about triggered and working aggressively (and silently) to manage those “invisible injuries” and their consequences. I paid a price to serve my country and found out too late that my country not only doesn’t actually care about that, but also can’t be considered a “good guy”, or just, or moral, or righteous, or even, indeed, at all careful about who they decide to kill. Gross. I want no part of it. My sanity, right now, demands that I stay focused on my self-care. That too, is sometimes difficult, and I find it hard to write without thinking too much.

Take care of yourself. These are difficult times. Hug your loved ones. Laugh with your friends. Turn off the fucking news feeds unless you truly need that information to fucking survive. “War porn” such as the continuous live coverage of battlefields is unhealthy; turn that shit off. You already know there is conflict. Let that be what it is, and give yourself a fucking break.

…Sip that hot cup of coffee (or tea)…

…Put your feet up with that book you’ve been meaning to read, and enjoy that…

…Celebrate that professional achievement you worked so hard towards…

…Phone or email or write to that far away friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with…

…Tackle that household project you’ve had in mind that vexes you every time you walk past it…

…Breathe…

We’re such elaborate fancy “extra” creatures, we human primates, capable of so much more than we even know, and yet… we manage to avoid addressing this deeply disturbing flaw that is our capacity and tendency for violence. It’s hard to believe we struggle so much to find, create, cultivate, or appreciate peace. Please – for the survival of all of us, do something about your anger, do something about your willingness to commit to conflict, do something about your sense of entitlement, do something about your willingness to accept violence in the world – or to commit it. Please. Do better.

…Every moment that I do better at being the woman I most want to be, the world gets just a little better, too. A little more pleasant. A little kinder. A little gentler. Imagine for moment the power of a global society each and all committed non-violence… please don’t tell me it’s not possible. If that’s your first thought, my reply is that you are one reason why that may be the case. Don’t let it be the one lasting truth of humanity… that we could not refrain from slaughtering each other or lashing out in anger. What a fucking disappointment that would be, when we are clearly capable of so much more, so much better.

…This is a good cup of coffee, on a pleasant Saturday morning… I, for one, am not taking up arms against anyone else, today. No killing. No assault. Just a middle-aged suburban woman with her feet up, drinking coffee and thinking about what to do with the rest of the day.

…Soon enough it will be time to begin again…