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Not Exactly What I Call ‘Sleep’

November 11, 2014 //
2

I didn’t sleep well last night. Actually, I didn’t sleep last night. I went to bed in the evening feeling fully prepared and ready to sleep. I even fell asleep with little effort. For about 2 hours. Then I woke, and dozed, and woke again. I got up around 12:41 am and prowled the house quietly. Then back to bed; there were no monsters. I woke again shortly after 2:00 am, did the trip to the bathroom. Back to bed. Heard my partner wake and move about the house. Another sleepless being. Shortly after, I got up, and got more water. I kept trying to sleep. I kept dozing off, waking, and not sleeping. I figure I may have gotten about 3.5 hours of sleep. I am not rested. I am not alert. I am highly volatile, and likely to be easily irritated. I’m not making predictions or making assumptions; this is my now.

When I got up with the alarm and recognized my state of being for what it is, I made a point of alerting my partner – still awake, himself – and letting him know I’m high risk for tantrums and nastiness this morning. He shifted from delight at seeing me, to concern and tender caution. He made it easy to retreat to my own space, where it is at least quiet, and unlikely that someone will haplessly piss me off, without remembering the fragile state I’m in.

The weekend is a blur. I took yesterday off in observance of Veteran’s Day, so that someone else on my team could take it off today, comfortably. We’re both veterans. I will work today, fuzzy-headed, slowed-down from lack of sleep, irritable, and doing my best to be patient with random people thanking me for my service. (The temptation is always to explain very carefully why it wasn’t worth it, and how the price is too high; I already know they don’t understand, and I generally don’t bother.) They mean well, and generally in the moment they say the words, they are indeed attempting to communicate something heartfelt and important to them. I try to accept it, graciously. I can’t actually offer them absolution, if that is what they are seeking. There is no way to ‘validate their parking’ ethically on matters of war.

I can hear the family, on the other side of the door, talking and laughing. I feel a surge of pointless anger. I’m so tired. The anger isn’t rational, and there is no blame-worthy object at which to direct it. I didn’t sleep. I fell asleep dozens of times, never achieving a deep enough sleep to survive foot steps in the hallway, coughing, toilets flushing, trucks passing by, occasional nose-blowing, drawers, doors, or the noises of the pipes cooling, or whatever it is that pipes do that causes that knocking they sometimes do. These are all everyday sounds. Generally they are not sufficient to keep me awake, or to wake me. Last night I wasn’t sleeping well. Returning to a calm resting place wasn’t too hard. Even if I hadn’t been actually sleeping, and tired, and very much inclined to sleep, there’s always meditation to bring me to the edge of readiness to sleep, and from there it’s usually just a choice. Last night my experience was different. I didn’t sleep well.

Now I’ve been on about it for more than 500 words; it’s hard to think about anything but the sleep, and rest, I desperately need to function well when I didn’t get it. I dread going to work today.

Rain-drenched autumn flowers...no substitute for sleep.

Rain-drenched autumn flowers…no substitute for sleep.

I hurt this morning, too. I wonder if the pain kept me awake? I don’t recall now. I know I hurt.

Lovely blossoms, just less frequent than spring.

Lovely blossoms, less frequent than spring; even pain doesn’t hide autumn’s loveliness.

I’m almost numb with fatigue. I hadn’t slept well for a few days, although I had at least slept. It wasn’t enough to prepare me for this. I giggle slightly hysterically, frustrated by the rampant typing mistakes this morning, the inappropriate expression of amusement somehow my response to the internal seething. Yep. Tired. It’s going to be an interesting day at the office.

Sometimes the truth isn't grand, or illuminating.

Sometimes the truth isn’t grand, or illuminating.

Today isn’t wasted, in spite of the rough start. There’s always more to learn, and the challenges I face – when I face them well – show my strength. When I am less successful facing my challenges, I learn more, grow more, and find new questions to ask along this journey of discovery. Today is one day I’ll do so from the perspective of great fatigue, and limited resilience. The day is far from wasted; it has the potential to teach me something truly new about what I can do with my choices and my will, and where my values really lie. Today, as days go, is ideal for putting new practices to the test, and for seeing progress and growth in action. Tired isn’t synonymous with poor treatment. I still have choices. I still hold a standard of behavior in my treatment of others – and myself – that puts abuse out of reach, and challenges me to do more, better, on a day like today. Where might that take me? No idea. I know I am loved.

My traveling partner comes to me with a smile, and although my initial reaction is one of caution and suspicion (because I am, frankly, not entirely clear-headed), he reached out with love, wrapped me in his arms and held me, touching me gently, stroking my skin, rubbing my back in places he knows reliably hurt, and folding me in his love. Am I still tired? Oh yeah. Do I still hurt? Yep, unquestionably. I am loved, though, and that goes beyond pain, and beyond fatigue, and touches my heart. Even today.

Lovely autumn roses; more beautiful because they are unexpected.

Lovely autumn roses; more beautiful because they are unexpected.

Today is a good day to do my best. Today is a good day to avoid making assumptions. Today is a good day not to take stuff personally. Today is a good day to be impeccable with my words. Today is a good day to savor pleasant moments with my full attention. Today is a good day to let small stuff go. Today is a good day to be patient with myself, and with others. Today is a good day to take care of me, and mind the basics of good self-care – even if I didn’t get enough _______. (Today it’s ‘sleep’, tomorrow I might forget my vitamins. lol) Today is a good day to build a world that cares for me, by being one person I can always count on to do so.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

It’s Only Sleep

November 3, 2013 //
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It’s been awhile since I had a night like last night. I didn’t sleep much. I wasn’t anxious, and there were no nightmares, I just didn’t really sleep deeply, for very long, or very restfully. I went to bed later than I prefer to, because although I’d started to feel sleepy, it just wasn’t moving me to choose sleep, and there were still a couple of things I wanted to get done before the work week began.

Everything seemed on track for a good night’s sleep. I just didn’t happen to have one. lol. Last night was the change to ‘daylight savings time’, too. I was already going to lose an hour of precious sleep, I knew.  Feeling a bit like a leftover Halloween zombie this morning, I’d have been delighted to wake just one hour short on sleep this morning! I did drift off a couple of times, long enough to be surprised when a partner, out for the evening, returned home – and again sometime later when he kissed me hello-goodnight in the darkness.

It is a change that even feeling so groggy and tired this morning there is no anxiety about my lack of sleep – and there wasn’t any during the night, either. I was merely awake, instead of sleeping. Any experience that changes from being an anxiety-based experience to being a calm chill contented experience is progress – so I’m not bitching. I’m just tired. lol.  Tired – but still eager to see the dawn.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

The sky is just barely shifting from black to deep dark blue-gray, just now.  I really don’t understand daylight savings time – who does it really serve? Foolishness to fight the changing light of the seasons.  Strangely apropos this week, though, with so many other elements of my every day routine also on the precipice of change. The winter holiday season begins soon. One of my partners starts a new job tomorrow – one that results in a substantial shift in routine, perhaps even lifestyle at some point, certainly we’ll all be making adjustments here and there, at least.

I’m tired this morning, making this a wonderful morning to commit to giving people my whole attention when they interact with me – listening with my attention on them as people, hearing their words, using mindfulness practices to stay in-the-moment and resisting the ease of being ‘on autopilot’. Today, I will listen attentively. I will speak with compassion. I will choose kindness, and provide gentle service to family and love. I will do my best.

Today I will change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

More Like a Pop Quiz Than a Final Exam

February 21, 2013 //
1

I really never understood ‘test-taking anxiety’ very well.  For me tests often feel very validating; I show up, sit down, answer some questions, and walk away feeling good.  Fortunately, life never seems to run short on opportunities for me to gain understanding through experience… and I will admit I don’t find 3am ideal for a pop quiz, but isn’t that the nature of the unexpected, and how better to set me up for a learning opportunity?

I slept ok last night, until I awoke shortly before 3am feeling incredibly anxious and unsure why. Deep breathing didn’t slow it down, so I got up…found myself surprised to be in the company of my partners; we were awake, one and all. There reached a point, some time later, where I sat quietly with one of my partners, a man of experience, wisdom, and a great deal of love, and whose insights I value beyond description. It is no small thing to me when he offers feedback relevant to my enjoyment in life, expresses frustration with tasks I am less skilled at than expected, or offers best practices for skillful relationship building – and similarly, when he praises me, I feel like it is a holiday. I am honored when he actually comments on my writing, or my art.

Back to that Pop Quiz… as my partner and I sat quietly, each wrapped in our own experience in that moment, he asked me “So… now that you’ve had this big epiphany you talked about in your blog, what are you going to do with it?” Wow. One question. One moment. I felt completely and utterly unprepared, as though I’d gone to school on a test day without reading the chapters, or doing the homework! I tried rather hopelessly not to babble, not to cover my feeling of utter lack of preparation – and I really felt that cool appraising gaze become just a bit more disappointed than supportive, clearly unimpressed with my unimpressive reply. Ouch. Failing grade. But something we’ve talked rather a lot about recently has been one of the principles of The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking…succeeding through failure. And one of the very important things I took away from reading Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals is that not all measures of success are appropriate to a given goal… and here I was facing something eyes open at 3am where I wanted very much to ‘show off’ that I was ‘ready’ or had already mastered this new thing… but I’m not there yet. Hell, I just grasped one simple concept I had previously failed to understand… I wasn’t ready for the Pop Quiz, unless the goal there was to demonstrate that I wasn’t finished learning. lol.

But success can be small things done well, improvements over time, and progress – and I’m still smiling this morning, because I am learning to see and accept those smaller successes and take pleasure and delight in each new thing I learn to do better than I used to – and today, instead of hiding from my anxiety and fear of facing my partner’s high expectations, and my own sense that I ‘failed an important test’, I took a moment to accept that I have more to learn, and that some of what I don’t know adversely affects my partners’ quality of life with me. Instead of ‘running away’ – I really took care of me, by admitting I wasn’t ready then, at 3am, and then I did what I hope takes better care of my partner, today, and reached out and asked to make time to talk together, so I can understand his needs, mine, and how best to meet the needs of his I am equipped to meet, and also take care of me in a way that is emotionally safe for my partners, and effective and sustainable for me. Simple right?? (lol)

This still feels like a good day…and I’m eager to learn more, and get a ‘re-test’ another day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

Wednesday’s Child

February 20, 2013 //
1

Apologies in advance if this is longer than interesting and sort of rambling… I’m short on sleep today, and although I am in good spirits and feeling decently human, I’m tired to the point of near-numbness, and brevity will be a challenge. 🙂

It was some strange noise that woke me, found out this morning it was a partner’s alarm; a voice reminder. The alarm itself was not exactly ‘alarming’ (lol – yeah, one of those days)…the burst of activity, noise, and excitement associated with shutting it off was much more so, and since I didn’t actually know what it was all about, I lay awake a long while wondering and listening to the sounds of the house.  Sleep was not happening. Yoga happened. Meditation happened. Breathing exercises happened. Having a stretch and getting some fresh air happened. Taking something to help me sleep happened. Some of those things happened more than once. Sleep did not, at least not for a long while. Generally, when I have difficulty sleeping my brain takes merry advantage of my human frailties to closely examine all my insecurities, fears, self-doubt, abandoned dreams, moments of misunderstanding, bits of weirdness that distress or sadden me, miscommunications, and an assortment of troubling feelings that seem vaguely irrational, even in the wee hours.  Last night was no exception, except in this regard; I eventually wound my way through my consciousness to an interesting moment of understanding that was worth being awake for, and it originated in a misunderstanding (I thought, initially) of who I am as an artist.

For the sake of letting you get on with your day, and still getting this out there, I’ll skip to the ‘moment of understanding’.  I am understanding that the question ‘Who am I?’ is difficult because I am an extraordinary and very individual sum of experiences, choices, consciousness and will that continuously grows and changes – as is everyone else. We may share some portion of our life with other individuals, but for how long, and with how many, is yet another “who am I?” complication.  My life, thus far, measures about 49 years, nearly 50… my current partners and I have been together for less than 4 of those years. Their exposure to the “who am I?” of years before we met is limited to what I’ve said, what they’ve heard from other sources, and whatever limited documentation exists on the internet, in my art, or in my personal papers; their view of “who I am” is not ever going to be the same as my own – or even the same as the view of “who I am” that someone who knew me in a very different time in my life may have. That’s really it. I thought about that all night long… slicing my life by era, by relationship, by artistic period, by trauma-timeline, by key decision-making point… I looked at me from a variety of angles and perspectives… I found more to like and to love that I expected, honestly (it’s been a hard year for my self-esteem), and that felt pretty good.  So good, actually, that I managed a good mood out of a very small amount of sleep.

My thoughts took me back again and again to the negative way I sometimes filter my experiences as a human being.  (As an aside, I have a friend who is extraordinarily negative, especially about himself.  I can easily see the damage it does to him, and how it affects his experience. He can’t see it so easily, and often firmly states he is ‘being rational’. How is this relevant? I do it myself. Hit myself hard with what hurts most, give myself no compassion or room to learn through error, and endlessly berate myself for how much I suck at whatever… when, actually, much of the time I’m okay as human primates go. 😀 )  I realized, specifically, that I did myself and someone I love a great disservice through this negative filtering, too.  Some time ago, someone very dear to me pointed out the utter necessity for me to learn to ‘take care of me’, to learn to love myself, or I would be at risk of hurting others, or finding myself facing difficulties in my relationships. (All true.) He then, from my vantage point deep in the well of a negative filter, pulled way back emotionally and withdrew from me; his support, encouragement and coaching (here comes the filter) ‘because he didn’t really want to be with some broken creature like me’. Wow. How hurtful to both of us that thinking was!  As I finally started to find sleep this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn’t ‘withdrawn’ from me in some act of avoidance, that he may have been demonstrating an incredible depth of love – and support – by refusing to impose his will, his values, his understanding or his way of doing things, on someone he loves a great deal – and would like to continue to love as a whole, healthy, free will individual of her own making. That’s pretty powerful.  It is thinking I find value in… although I admit I am hesitant to ask for clarification, because like any other human being I am afraid to be hurt by finding out which is true.  Progress is good, though, and I think it’s high time I stop berating myself for being human, and maybe try to just enjoy the ride. 🙂

So…difficult night, good day. I don’t know where it will take me, but I’m feeling pretty comfortably me as I find out.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words

A Second Post? Rarely a Good Thing…

February 18, 2013 //
0

It didn’t take long for my good mood to slip a few places.  Hormones? Brain injury? PTSD? Lack of sleep?

I am irritable, feeling ‘dismissed’, unimportant, misunderstood, and struggling to focus on tasks at hand… I’m tired, too, that can’t be helping.  My priorities are not shared by some of the people who matter to me, and some of my core needs are unmet, and have been for some time.  I struggle to even find sympathy; resolution is not on the map right now, as far as I can see.  Most attempts to discuss it result new opportunities to explore feeling unimportant.  It’s funny… in spite of lack of sleep, I was in a pretty awesome mood – and it lasted exactly as long as I felt substantially supported, heard, understood, relevant, and valued.  When I lost that feeling, I started feeling irritable, dismissed, invisible, and discontent. There’s something important to understand there – I hope I remember to take time to meditate on that when I’m not so tired.

What’s the solution? Do I learn to tell everyone else to ‘fuck off’ and figure out how to meet my own needs 100%? Is that possible? It seems mean…  Is it necessary to adhere to a strict Ringer-style quid pro quo ‘value for value’ level of reciprocity in relationships that currently feel lacking in balance?  If that’s the case, how do I address a clear lack of reciprocity on a given subject/need? When does it become a deal-breaker when needs are not met? How do I know whether I am ‘just’ tired and needy, or facing something more substantial?  And why doesn’t the internet answer the really important questions?

Maybe “this too shall pass“, given time… and perspective.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Words
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