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Two: Twenty-Two

April 28, 2017 //
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I realized I was awake in the darkness, at some point, and once it was definite, and demonstrably no dream, I checked the clock. 2:22 am. I had no idea why I was awake. There was no light. No sound. Even the glow from the paintings that hang in my room had mostly faded. I felt physically comfortable, not too hot, not too cold, not twisted or stiff, not in any substantial amount of pain… Why was I awake? I probably won’t ever know that. I got up briefly, got a drink of water. Peed. Went back to bed, fully expecting to fall asleep again.

Some time later, I was still waiting for sleep to come. 3:43 am. Knowing the alarm would go off at 4:30 am, and knowing that I felt fairly alert, however inclined to sleep I actually felt, the wiser choice would generally be to just go ahead and get up at that point. I also don’t know why I did not do that. I turned over again, cuddled a body pillow, and “tried again”, feeling fairly certain at this point that sleep would not come; the best I could legitimately hope for would be to rest gently, meditate, and let the alarm go off, since I clearly wasn’t getting up.

When the alarm went off it caught me by surprise. I had at some point dozed off, and although I was not deeply asleep, I wasn’t awake. I got up, showered, dressed, all the usual morning stuff, and went to make my coffee. A most unsatisfying night of something that wasn’t particularly restful, and hardly counts as sleep. I’m irked by that; I have a date planned with my Traveling Partner, and want to be awake and alert for a late night. He understands my issues well enough to be comfortable not living with them. lol I don’t let my irritation with the weird night become “a thing” that might wreck my mood. The morning continues to feel strange and surreal. I find myself wondering how much I actually slept, and then find myself finding it weird that I am wondering that… and realize only then that I haven’t actually looked at that yet, this morning, which is… odd. It is a morning of broken routines, then, is it? Of course. It would be.

I sip my coffee, check my fitness tracker, and feel a certain comfort seeing that, all together, I got more than 6 hours of sleep. I can go all day on that, no problem. That’s something.

The morning feels mildly rushed. I am uncertain “where the time went”. I’m probably not moving through tasks and time quite the usual way. Something definitely “feels off”, but since I’ve no idea beyond that sensation what might be amiss, and actually feel generally okay, I let it go. No need to do root cause analysis on “weird”. Not this morning. 🙂

The best bit of the morning so far, has been meditation, watching the sun begin to rise. Calm, chill, quiet time, without struggle or challenge, without interruption. It’s enough to begin the day with new perspective, however weird the night. I’m having my own experience… I knew my results could vary. 😀

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Categories Brain Injury, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Spring, The Art of Being

Awake at 3 am

October 23, 2015 //
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It’s been awhile since I was awake in the wee hours. I woke in tears with no recollection why I might be crying. I got a drink of water and ‘checked for monsters’ (walked through the small apartment quietly drinking my glass of water and assuring myself all is well). I went back to bed. That was more than an hour ago. I wasn’t going back to sleep, and the tears just kept sliding across my face. So.

It’s been a long while since I was awake in the wee hours. It wasn’t so long ago that it was a frequent thing, destroying my rest, throwing me off-balance, and fatiguing me well beyond any healthy sustainable point. I’m glad it isn’t every night any more. I’m appreciative that it isn’t even every week; it’s become quite rare… But I’m awake now. Tonight I am not sleeping through the night.

The wakefulness itself causes me no great stress. The feelings of insecurity and doubt, on the other hand, drive anxiety. On top of existing work stress, and common enough life stress,  I add stress in a valued, critically important (to me) relationship that suddenly feels far less secure than I generally take it to be. I am unsurprised that I am awake, or that I am overcome by waves of emotion attached to the thoughts about my experience: sad, insecure, doubtful, angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed… did I mention sad? I did not get out of bed at 3 am to ‘enjoy’ the experience more intensely; I got up to reduce the intensity. I was not finding much success with distracting myself and getting back to dream land lying there in bed. My thoughts kept carrying me back to sad.

There is no miracle pill for sad wakefulness, or the tears that won’t quit at 3 am. There are a great many practices that ease my suffering, though. I get up and do some yoga; the focus on my physical body, and easing physical stress feels good. I drink a glass of water; crying makes me thirsty. I meditate, nothing fancy, no soundtrack, no light – just sitting in the stillness, in the darkness, focused on my breath, no timer – just time. I write. With just a few words in the night, I pause the flood of emotion to look at things from a more abstract observational perspective, giving myself a little distance from the hurting, and a chance to ‘edit the language’ as I see it in text on page instead of lit up boldly in the chemistry of my brain. It actually does make a difference [for me] to take the time to remove or change the adjectives and adverbs, correct the syntax, re-evaluate the thinking. So much easier to do that seeing it in written words [for me]. I read my experience from the edited perspective. I read it again. I am no longer crying.

Tomorrow is a work day. I haven’t set myself up for success there by being awake during the night – but being awake during the night and crying generally has an even less desirable outcome, emotionally. I feel valued to take the time with myself to ease the suffering I am experiencing, however much I can. I am definitely having my own experience. There is no lover here to hold me in the darkness and tell me everything will be okay – and maybe it won’t be. It generally will be, though, for at least some values of ‘okay’.

Small stressors keep piling up. The loss of aesthetic beauty of my wee home. The loss of day-to-day quiet here. The increasing tension and discontent in the workplace. The increasing insecurity and doubt in an important relationship. The lack of personal skill at coping with it when solitude becomes loneliness. The loss of intimacy and physical contact in my every day life. The chaos brought to my life through the exterior work being done in the community – it’s actually stressing me out to see paintings stacked differently for the convenience of contractors, or to see the A/C just sort of …sitting, no good place to store it, and such a small apartment. Lingering bitterness – not over old hurts themselves, but over the lack of being understood, the lack of consideration – or even awareness. I guess this is when I get to put new emotional resilience to the test, and find out whether all of the time and practice invested in emotional self-sufficiency will be enough to survive on. I’d like to thrive. It’s on my list of nice things to do for me. Maybe another time.

I feel very alone right now. Oddly, I notice the ticking clock – and realize there is no additional stress to being aware of the sound of it. I find some comfort in that. It’s a small thing, but it is meaningful that the ticking of the clock does not cause me stress, or anxiety. You know… sitting here in the darkness, at 3:34 am, that’s enough. It’s at least something – it’s incremental change over time. I think I’ll go back to bed.

It will be dawn soon enough. I will begin again.

It will be dawn soon enough. I will begin again.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, grief, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

Not Exactly What I Call ‘Sleep’

November 11, 2014 //
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I didn’t sleep well last night. Actually, I didn’t sleep last night. I went to bed in the evening feeling fully prepared and ready to sleep. I even fell asleep with little effort. For about 2 hours. Then I woke, and dozed, and woke again. I got up around 12:41 am and prowled the house quietly. Then back to bed; there were no monsters. I woke again shortly after 2:00 am, did the trip to the bathroom. Back to bed. Heard my partner wake and move about the house. Another sleepless being. Shortly after, I got up, and got more water. I kept trying to sleep. I kept dozing off, waking, and not sleeping. I figure I may have gotten about 3.5 hours of sleep. I am not rested. I am not alert. I am highly volatile, and likely to be easily irritated. I’m not making predictions or making assumptions; this is my now.

When I got up with the alarm and recognized my state of being for what it is, I made a point of alerting my partner – still awake, himself – and letting him know I’m high risk for tantrums and nastiness this morning. He shifted from delight at seeing me, to concern and tender caution. He made it easy to retreat to my own space, where it is at least quiet, and unlikely that someone will haplessly piss me off, without remembering the fragile state I’m in.

The weekend is a blur. I took yesterday off in observance of Veteran’s Day, so that someone else on my team could take it off today, comfortably. We’re both veterans. I will work today, fuzzy-headed, slowed-down from lack of sleep, irritable, and doing my best to be patient with random people thanking me for my service. (The temptation is always to explain very carefully why it wasn’t worth it, and how the price is too high; I already know they don’t understand, and I generally don’t bother.) They mean well, and generally in the moment they say the words, they are indeed attempting to communicate something heartfelt and important to them. I try to accept it, graciously. I can’t actually offer them absolution, if that is what they are seeking. There is no way to ‘validate their parking’ ethically on matters of war.

I can hear the family, on the other side of the door, talking and laughing. I feel a surge of pointless anger. I’m so tired. The anger isn’t rational, and there is no blame-worthy object at which to direct it. I didn’t sleep. I fell asleep dozens of times, never achieving a deep enough sleep to survive foot steps in the hallway, coughing, toilets flushing, trucks passing by, occasional nose-blowing, drawers, doors, or the noises of the pipes cooling, or whatever it is that pipes do that causes that knocking they sometimes do. These are all everyday sounds. Generally they are not sufficient to keep me awake, or to wake me. Last night I wasn’t sleeping well. Returning to a calm resting place wasn’t too hard. Even if I hadn’t been actually sleeping, and tired, and very much inclined to sleep, there’s always meditation to bring me to the edge of readiness to sleep, and from there it’s usually just a choice. Last night my experience was different. I didn’t sleep well.

Now I’ve been on about it for more than 500 words; it’s hard to think about anything but the sleep, and rest, I desperately need to function well when I didn’t get it. I dread going to work today.

Rain-drenched autumn flowers...no substitute for sleep.

Rain-drenched autumn flowers…no substitute for sleep.

I hurt this morning, too. I wonder if the pain kept me awake? I don’t recall now. I know I hurt.

Lovely blossoms, just less frequent than spring.

Lovely blossoms, less frequent than spring; even pain doesn’t hide autumn’s loveliness.

I’m almost numb with fatigue. I hadn’t slept well for a few days, although I had at least slept. It wasn’t enough to prepare me for this. I giggle slightly hysterically, frustrated by the rampant typing mistakes this morning, the inappropriate expression of amusement somehow my response to the internal seething. Yep. Tired. It’s going to be an interesting day at the office.

Sometimes the truth isn't grand, or illuminating.

Sometimes the truth isn’t grand, or illuminating.

Today isn’t wasted, in spite of the rough start. There’s always more to learn, and the challenges I face – when I face them well – show my strength. When I am less successful facing my challenges, I learn more, grow more, and find new questions to ask along this journey of discovery. Today is one day I’ll do so from the perspective of great fatigue, and limited resilience. The day is far from wasted; it has the potential to teach me something truly new about what I can do with my choices and my will, and where my values really lie. Today, as days go, is ideal for putting new practices to the test, and for seeing progress and growth in action. Tired isn’t synonymous with poor treatment. I still have choices. I still hold a standard of behavior in my treatment of others – and myself – that puts abuse out of reach, and challenges me to do more, better, on a day like today. Where might that take me? No idea. I know I am loved.

My traveling partner comes to me with a smile, and although my initial reaction is one of caution and suspicion (because I am, frankly, not entirely clear-headed), he reached out with love, wrapped me in his arms and held me, touching me gently, stroking my skin, rubbing my back in places he knows reliably hurt, and folding me in his love. Am I still tired? Oh yeah. Do I still hurt? Yep, unquestionably. I am loved, though, and that goes beyond pain, and beyond fatigue, and touches my heart. Even today.

Lovely autumn roses; more beautiful because they are unexpected.

Lovely autumn roses; more beautiful because they are unexpected.

Today is a good day to do my best. Today is a good day to avoid making assumptions. Today is a good day not to take stuff personally. Today is a good day to be impeccable with my words. Today is a good day to savor pleasant moments with my full attention. Today is a good day to let small stuff go. Today is a good day to be patient with myself, and with others. Today is a good day to take care of me, and mind the basics of good self-care – even if I didn’t get enough _______. (Today it’s ‘sleep’, tomorrow I might forget my vitamins. lol) Today is a good day to build a world that cares for me, by being one person I can always count on to do so.

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

It’s Only Sleep

November 3, 2013 //
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It’s been awhile since I had a night like last night. I didn’t sleep much. I wasn’t anxious, and there were no nightmares, I just didn’t really sleep deeply, for very long, or very restfully. I went to bed later than I prefer to, because although I’d started to feel sleepy, it just wasn’t moving me to choose sleep, and there were still a couple of things I wanted to get done before the work week began.

Everything seemed on track for a good night’s sleep. I just didn’t happen to have one. lol. Last night was the change to ‘daylight savings time’, too. I was already going to lose an hour of precious sleep, I knew.  Feeling a bit like a leftover Halloween zombie this morning, I’d have been delighted to wake just one hour short on sleep this morning! I did drift off a couple of times, long enough to be surprised when a partner, out for the evening, returned home – and again sometime later when he kissed me hello-goodnight in the darkness.

It is a change that even feeling so groggy and tired this morning there is no anxiety about my lack of sleep – and there wasn’t any during the night, either. I was merely awake, instead of sleeping. Any experience that changes from being an anxiety-based experience to being a calm chill contented experience is progress – so I’m not bitching. I’m just tired. lol.  Tired – but still eager to see the dawn.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

The sky is just barely shifting from black to deep dark blue-gray, just now.  I really don’t understand daylight savings time – who does it really serve? Foolishness to fight the changing light of the seasons.  Strangely apropos this week, though, with so many other elements of my every day routine also on the precipice of change. The winter holiday season begins soon. One of my partners starts a new job tomorrow – one that results in a substantial shift in routine, perhaps even lifestyle at some point, certainly we’ll all be making adjustments here and there, at least.

I’m tired this morning, making this a wonderful morning to commit to giving people my whole attention when they interact with me – listening with my attention on them as people, hearing their words, using mindfulness practices to stay in-the-moment and resisting the ease of being ‘on autopilot’. Today, I will listen attentively. I will speak with compassion. I will choose kindness, and provide gentle service to family and love. I will do my best.

Today I will change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

More Like a Pop Quiz Than a Final Exam

February 21, 2013 //
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I really never understood ‘test-taking anxiety’ very well.  For me tests often feel very validating; I show up, sit down, answer some questions, and walk away feeling good.  Fortunately, life never seems to run short on opportunities for me to gain understanding through experience… and I will admit I don’t find 3am ideal for a pop quiz, but isn’t that the nature of the unexpected, and how better to set me up for a learning opportunity?

I slept ok last night, until I awoke shortly before 3am feeling incredibly anxious and unsure why. Deep breathing didn’t slow it down, so I got up…found myself surprised to be in the company of my partners; we were awake, one and all. There reached a point, some time later, where I sat quietly with one of my partners, a man of experience, wisdom, and a great deal of love, and whose insights I value beyond description. It is no small thing to me when he offers feedback relevant to my enjoyment in life, expresses frustration with tasks I am less skilled at than expected, or offers best practices for skillful relationship building – and similarly, when he praises me, I feel like it is a holiday. I am honored when he actually comments on my writing, or my art.

Back to that Pop Quiz… as my partner and I sat quietly, each wrapped in our own experience in that moment, he asked me “So… now that you’ve had this big epiphany you talked about in your blog, what are you going to do with it?” Wow. One question. One moment. I felt completely and utterly unprepared, as though I’d gone to school on a test day without reading the chapters, or doing the homework! I tried rather hopelessly not to babble, not to cover my feeling of utter lack of preparation – and I really felt that cool appraising gaze become just a bit more disappointed than supportive, clearly unimpressed with my unimpressive reply. Ouch. Failing grade. But something we’ve talked rather a lot about recently has been one of the principles of The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking…succeeding through failure. And one of the very important things I took away from reading Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals is that not all measures of success are appropriate to a given goal… and here I was facing something eyes open at 3am where I wanted very much to ‘show off’ that I was ‘ready’ or had already mastered this new thing… but I’m not there yet. Hell, I just grasped one simple concept I had previously failed to understand… I wasn’t ready for the Pop Quiz, unless the goal there was to demonstrate that I wasn’t finished learning. lol.

But success can be small things done well, improvements over time, and progress – and I’m still smiling this morning, because I am learning to see and accept those smaller successes and take pleasure and delight in each new thing I learn to do better than I used to – and today, instead of hiding from my anxiety and fear of facing my partner’s high expectations, and my own sense that I ‘failed an important test’, I took a moment to accept that I have more to learn, and that some of what I don’t know adversely affects my partners’ quality of life with me. Instead of ‘running away’ – I really took care of me, by admitting I wasn’t ready then, at 3am, and then I did what I hope takes better care of my partner, today, and reached out and asked to make time to talk together, so I can understand his needs, mine, and how best to meet the needs of his I am equipped to meet, and also take care of me in a way that is emotionally safe for my partners, and effective and sustainable for me. Simple right?? (lol)

This still feels like a good day…and I’m eager to learn more, and get a ‘re-test’ another day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words
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