Archives for posts with tag: love and lovers
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Finding the Thread

December 30, 2014 //
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Walking meditations are the most likely moment to find inspiration for writing, for me. The number of miles and hours I spend walking may have something to do with that, though I’ve always used time spent walking to muse about this-n-that, contemplate my challenges, examine social scripts that trip me up, and all manner of thinking, generally. Long walks have been part of my experience for as long as I can recall. I have composed great poetry and written wonderful stories…in my head, while walking. With the weather being colder, and rather bleak, and being off work for the holidays, I am not feeling as inspired day-to-day as I might be, or as I often am – and I’m not walking as often, or as many miles. These things may be related.

There was a time when a lack of inspiration for a week (or a day) could drive a level of frustration that resulted in real misery; it felt as if I could not communicate. There was so much I did not know about me, about my head injury, about the quirks and challenges that are part of my everyday life. Today, sitting quietly with the awareness that inspiration has seemed somewhat limited lately, and taking a moment to look over notes jotted down over prior days, on the move, busy with other things, I can see the hint of a pattern, a theme, a thread winding through the seeming random observations and thoughts of days past. I take note of the relative importance, and apparent significance, and I consider my Big 5 [Respect, Consideration, Compassion, Reciprocity, and Openness]…  I want very much to respect the experience – and privacy – of others.  This challenge has stalled my writing entirely today – having begun this post sometime around 8:00 am, and facing it just now, as it is right here, at 4:16 pm, wanting to write about ‘connection’ – and wanting to write simply and about my own experience, and giving up as it has become clear that I am not writing at all (51-ish words per hour hardly counts as ‘writing’).

Instead of writing something ‘worthy’ in some fashion, today I smile at the nearly blank ‘page’ – not even 500 words – and comfortably accept that there is more to life and love than the words we use to describe them, and that although words matter…today I am mostly…speechless. Yeah. That’ll cover it for now, and I’m content with being present in the moment, and open to what comes next, without expectations. This seems like an adequate stopping point…

Today is a good day to change the world; there are verbs involved.

Today is a good day to change the world; there are verbs involved.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Relationships, The Big 5, Words

Warmth, Wonder, and Stillness

December 26, 2014 //
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The ‘main event’ that is the December 25th holiday observance for so many is now behind us all. It’s December 26th; Boxing Day for some, for many it’s just a Friday. My day so far is warm and gentle, and characterized by good-natured day-to-day tasks and activities, like morning yoga, a good latte, a hot shower…and the sense of the holiday season lingers in a pleasant way. I am relaxing and enjoying some solo time at home, while the rest of the family embraces holiday traditions of visiting distant family and friends and takes a road trip down south a way. I need the time to meditate, to reflect, to embrace perspective and prepare for a new year – so near at hand that it feels urgent to take a moment just to breath.

A reflection of stillness, contentment, and illumination.

A reflection of stillness, contentment, and illumination.

Last night, after everyone had crashed for the night, and the lights had been dimmed everywhere but in the holiday loft, I stood quietly in the glow of colored lights and listened to the hushed household, so quiet and still it was as if more than the people slept, giving the very world itself a moment to pause, take a breath, and prepare for what might be around the corner, or peeking over the horizon with the next dawn… I stood, quietly. I felt my breath, and my contentment. I lingered in the still moment of calm joy, just feeling it. No analysis, no root causes, no justification, no excuses, no reasons…just one lovely still moment, at the end of a special day, quiet and content. It was enough – it was more than enough – I still feel this one, beautiful, moment of contentment in my heart each time I contemplate it – or see the picture I took, trying to capture it reflected in the window, somehow; definitely a memory worth keeping, worth savoring, worth lingering on.

It seems the sort of holiday when living the moments has so much to offer that writing some handful of words attempting to share them seems inadequate. If I am writing less for these few days of holiday, away from the routine of work and life, it’s only this; for the moment, living takes up so much time, I’ve not made time to write about it. 😉

Today is a good day for a holiday. Today is a good day for love. Today is a good day to celebrate everything awesome and lovely with the world.

 

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, winter, Words

Incoming!

December 15, 2014 //
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Wow. What a shitty morning. I woke too early because other members of the household manhandle doors without giving people sleeping much thought. My first association with anyone else in the house went awry very quickly. I feel mistreated. I feel disrespected and hurt. I’m angry. The time I made to enjoy the company of someone dear to me – by choice – was treated as without value. I haven’t been awake even two hours and I’m in tears, feeling hurt, feeling pissed off, boundaries violated, explicitly stated needs utterly disregarded, and reeling from the powerful emotional punch that is having ones security threatened, emotional security that is. There was a time in my life when I did not understand that these experiences are not ‘love’ – they don’t define the wonder and joy of Love and loving – these kinds of experiences suck, and hold no pleasure, no value, no joy. I find them unpleasant, and unworthy of being called ‘love’.  Experiences like these still happen in the context of relationships I have with people I love…which doesn’t stop the experiences from sucking, actually, I think it makes them suck that much more. Love, in its wonder and joy and delight, isn’t defined by our challenges – that’s just human beings, being human. Hopefully, when I cool off, there will be a lesson to learn.

I feel sad. I feel pissed off. I feel blamed. I feel cheated of a quiet pleasant morning in the good company of someone dear to me. I feel ashamed that I let someone else’s shitty mood provoke me, too. No one needed that.

Searching for the positive, finding stickers and thorns.

Searching for the positive, finding stickers and thorns.

We’re all so very human, aren’t we? Each with our own baggage, our own experience, our own perspective…the context of our unique perspective, that is so ‘us’, can so easily find us out of step with those who matter most to us… assumptions… expectations… the narrative we accept as ‘true’ or ‘real’… the stories we tell ourselves… Right this very moment, more than anything, I would like to be laughing and sipping coffee with this fantastic guy I love… right now, I can’t stand the thought of being in the presence of his right-now experience; as much as it appears to suck from my perspective, I imagine it must feel pretty awful from within, too. Certainly, it’s not what I expect from love.

I don’t know why I’m bothering to write about this… we all have these experiences, though, don’t we? Moments of anger. Moments of hurt. Moments of frustration. Moments that suck. They are, however, just moments.

Today is a good day for perspective…I hope to find some, soon. Today is a good day to treat people well – myself, included. Today is a good day to change the world… I’d be content to change the moment. Today is a good day to remember to dress for the weather, and to remember that this too shall pass*.

*Indeed, it did pass…with some practicing of practices that work to move my heart in a more positive direction, like ‘taking in the good’ and savoring small pleasures as I walked to the light rail station, and taking on a healthy challenge that distracted my focus, in general, and also had the benefit of giving me some needed exercise – I walked to a much more distant light rail station than I usually do, and enjoyed the bracing winter air, the feel of taking on a challenge and meeting a goal. More pleasant, nurturing, words were exchanged along the way, and I took a moment to be grateful for the technology that makes it so easy to do so, without stewing in my own emotional bullshit all day long before getting to that opportunity. Kind words were shared. Encouragement and apology were offered, and accepted… the day moves on. Humans, being human. Lovers, loving. Today? Yeah, as human as I am, today is a good day.

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Categories Love, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, women, Words

Black Friday Deals

November 28, 2014 //
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Thanksgiving is already a memory, which seems a shame when I consider how many people seem to save their celebration of plenty and their gratitude for one day on the calendar; there is so much good in life that is plentiful, and so much to be grateful for. I woke this morning, after a restless night, still feeling appreciative, still grateful, still thankful…and…I think I’m also still feeling a bit overfed, actually. The U.S. holiday of Thanksgiving is a celebration of gratitude and plenty taken to excess. The food was exceptional, and having chosen to go out for our holiday meal this year, there was no stress around preparation, serving, or clean up…a lavish meal, an experience of gratitude and plenty, and more time spent on enjoying the company than laboring to create that moment of joy.

I did miss the cooking. I also missed the hours and days of conversation and planning leading up to the meal. Connecting joyously in advance of the holiday to imagine, and plan, and reminisce about other holidays, other meals, other recipes. This holiday was scaled down, and fairly quiet by choice and by popular vote. My enjoyment of planning and anticipation are not universally shared, and this year it was nearly impossible to get a single conversation going about Thanksgiving in advance of the holiday. I enjoyed the holiday outside the kitchen, as an exception and a treat, and it was lovely that there was simply nothing to fuss about, and no stress or frustration. No ‘holiday temper’.

Here it is “Black Friday”.  There will be terrible shopping anecdotes aplenty, and people – a lot of people – will behave as though they’ve never even heard of gratitude, thanks, or compassion. People who were dishing meals to the homeless yesterday may well be queued up outside some retailer today, waiting for the doors to open so they can begin to claw their way angrily through the throng of other shoppers to assuage their greed for goods at a low price. The year-long struggle to thrive erupts on Black Friday into a furor of entitlement leading up to a holiday about giving…revealing some ugly qualities of character among us long enough for some appalling video to reach the internet.  The greed is emblematic of the sickness taking us over. More for less. More goods for less money – regardless what it costs to produce those goods. More results for less effort. More. On Black Friday sufficiency is removed from the American lexicon, for more than a few people.

Gratitude isn’t really about ‘more’, though, is it?

A path, a journey, a moment.

A path, a journey, a moment.

It’ll be a quiet Black Friday for me – I’m taking advantage of some really great deals, today, too. I am off work today, and having that leisure time is an incredible value in additional time to read, to write, to meditate – to enjoy my experience of the day. I’ll take time to meditate at leisure at no cost, free, and if I act now I’ll benefit immediately! Yoga, writing, painting, reading… all at my fingertips, with no more expense than the investment in time and effort – the savings are huge! I’ll likely go for a walk at some point, and enjoy the loveliness of autumn before it becomes winter, and consider the holidays to come as I walk. I may spend some part of the day or weekend preparing for the holidays, it’s true, even being involved in gifts-to-be; I enjoy the inspiring work of hand-making gifts, gifts that are 100% not about money; paintings, clay figures, poetry, books I have loved and want to share, small tokens of great delight and fondness. The gifts I enjoy best – both giving and receiving – are the ones that connect me most closely to people, whatever sort of gifts those turn out to be. A great gift isn’t about what it cost, it’s about what it means.

I’ve spent days wracked with anxiety, but I woke without it this morning. Promising. Today is a good day to journey safely, and be mindful of what matters most. Today is a good day to spend more time than money. Today is a good day to turn away from greed. Today is a good day for gratitude, thankfulness, and perspective. Today is a good day to change the world.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, Words

Snap, Crackle, Pop

October 29, 2014 //
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I slept heavily last night and woke with effort to the insistent beeping of my alarm. My joints snap and crunch as I move through my morning routine; I’m stiff and have a headache. I feel vaguely aggravated, but aware that it is all biology, and there’s really nothing ‘wrong’ aside from the simple realities of aging, and paying the price of youthful misadventure. My coffee seemed to go cold as soon as I pulled the shot, which, while irritating, is irrelevant; I swallow the bitter brew in spite of that, preferring to avoid the headache that I could expect later if I chose to dump it out. I suppose I could have started over…

I feel far removed from a sense of contentment.

Yesterday evening was lovely. Dinner out and family time hanging out at home afterward. The evening looked promising for romance, too, but without any real agita it didn’t go that way after all.

I feel restless and annoyed, although there doesn’t seem any real reason for it. Yesterday, too. Hormones most likely, and at the tail end of things there’s no easy way to be certain of that; I just accept what is, and practice good practices, and hope that in simple practices of mindfulness, and continuing to return my attention to what is good and satisfying, I will perhaps let go of what is not with greater ease. Can I learn to be satisfied with less and less of what I think I want and need, until only satisfaction remains, whatever I may actually have?

I feel so human.

In a photograph of flowers it always looks like spring.

Let’s take a moment for something else…

Imagine yourself anywhere at all, right now, doing…something. Whatever you like. No limits. Sink into it. Make it real. Build it in your imagination with words and feelings; you know you can, it’s how thinking works, and most of our experience in based on this, more than what is ‘real’. So. Where are you? What are you doing? I am sitting at a small bistro table, on a pleasant morning, with a very good latte and enjoying the sunshine and flowers of my cottage garden, on the edge of some small friendly village. I’d be relaxing with my partner, conversing about whatever, feeling the breezes and waving to passing neighbors, and maybe sharing a warm scone while we talk about love. At least this morning, that’s where I’d be…some days I yearn for something different. Today I yearn for love, Love, and romance, and a quiet cottage garden.

Today is a good day for honest heartfelt yearning, and also a good day for contentment and satisfaction, and recognizing that what is can be amazing when I am not chasing what isn’t. Today is a good day to seek perspective, and for recognizing it when it is found. Today is a good day to smile in the face of my challenges; life’s curriculum would teach nothing if it were too easy. Today is a good day to accept that the challenges of this day become the strength of character I rest on tomorrow. Today is a good day to take another look at how I see the world.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Relationships, The Big 5, Words
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