Archives for posts with tag: meditation

Some Time, Space, and Quiet

October 11, 2019 //

I didn’t sit down to write until nearly 9:30 am, after a leisurely shower, and close to 12 hours of sleep. Rare for me. (I didn’t sleep continuously through the night; I woke up twice to pee. lol) When I woke, I was unsure of the day, and considered just going back to bed…

…but, there’s an entire day, and a long weekend, ahead of me to enjoy this brief solitary time, a few days with the house to myself, and a lot of quiet (some of it quite lonely). So, I stayed up, showered, put on clean clothes, and finally started hot water for coffee. Oh, hey, I hear the click of the electric kettle just now… be right back!

A ‘coffee flower’ – each as unique as any other flower. I enjoy their brief existence, blossoming as I make my coffee, gone in an instant.

The heat comes on just as I return with my coffee. The 72 degrees that felt so chilly at the end of the evening, last night, feels almost stifling this morning. I turn the temperature down to 60; I won’t yearn for the comfort and warmth of a warmer room until later in the day. Hell… how much of the day will I even spend right here? It’s a chilly autumn morning, fiercely windy, and it might be nice to get a decently long walk in today. The thought puts a smile on my face at the same time that a tear streaks down my cheek. I think of my Granny, and walks we took together on autumn days. South Mountain, Pennsylvania… Cambridge, Maryland… Grants Pass, Oregon… thoughts and places roll past like a slide show. The tears fall softly. Honest tears of sorrow or regret, tears of heartfelt loss, these don’t trouble me at all, they are only more love than my heart can contain – and no one to share it with (right now). I’m okay. She was a splendid strong woman of great character, flawed, human, and of tremendous heart, and I miss her in this autumn moment, considering a walk that, once upon a time, we could have taken together. 🙂

I sip my coffee, comforted by the ordinary routine. I listen to the traffic beyond the studio window. Last night I felt very motivated to paint through the weekend. Just now, though? I am filled with eagerness to tidy up, to create order from chaos, to check off tasks from my list, and to do those things while keeping half an eye on the autumn leaves falling to the deck beyond the glass door, watching for squirrels. It’s that time again; the colder weather, the autumn breezes, I’ll begin putting nuts out for the squirrels and chipmunks, and suet for the birds. 🙂

My thoughts drift to my Traveling Partner and his adventures, and I hope he is doing well. I’m eager to see him when he returns home. I miss him greatly.

I had also definitely missed this solitude, and I had failed hard at the self-care skills needed to ensure I managed to get the quiet time I routinely need, or to seek, or create, the stillness I need to maintain my most chill and contented self. I smile, and forgive myself for my obvious limitations. lol I will continue to practice. Keep working at it. Keep learning and growing. Keep speaking up when the need becomes too great. Keep communicating my needs in an open, honest, and gentle way. All the things. There’s a lot. If I try to write down all the tiny very fine details of “how to” care for oneself very skillfully, from the perspective of what I understand, myself, it would be such a long detailed list that it would almost certainly appear ludicrous to even contemplate! In practice, though, it’s just practice. Do a thing. It worked? Repeat that. It worked again? Pretty reliable. Try it a few times more. Still working? Awesome; now practice until it is quite natural, almost effortless, and it has become part of “who you are”. 🙂 Add another thing. Repeat the process. Simple enough. Stop doing what doesn’t support your emotional well-being and general good health and contentment. (That’s surprisingly a bit harder, and may take more practice.)

I sit sipping my coffee, barefooted, in my studio, with four lovely relaxed days ahead, suitable for my leisure needs. I have not decided what, specifically, to do with them (besides sleeping, showering, and sipping coffee – those I guess I can count on). I listen to the traffic, loud beyond the window. There are dishes to do. Things to put away. A container garden on the deck to “winterize”. There is this heart full of paintings with which to shout what I don’t have the words to whisper. I am hovering in that place of indecision, without urgency. There are no “wrong answers”, only an opportunity to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, Cambridge, choose wisely, communicate, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, Grants Pass, I am my own cartographer, love, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness for beginners, much needed solitude, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, self-care skill building, South Mountain, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice

Categories Allegories, art and the artist, autumn, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gardening, gratitude, grief, Healthy Living, inspiration, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Another Season of Change

October 10, 2019 //

It feels like a winter morning. Not like an icy cold late winter morning, with everything frozen, or blanketed with snow, more like a winter-feeling late fall morning, on the edge of winter, with cold temperatures and lingering reminders how recent summer really was, piled up with soggy leaves, clinging to the pavement – more like that: cold, damp, rainy, fairly dismal, weather-wise. My coffee is hot. I woke peculiarly thirsty, and the cold glass of water next to my coffee is very refreshing. My clothes were chosen for comfort – a soft t-shirt, under a baggy saggy comfy sweater, a favorite pair of jeans, my hiking boots. It’s that kind of day, I think, with the weekend closing in, and some difficulty really waking up.

…At least I got some sleep, though. I pause to appreciate getting some rest. My sleep has been pretty shitty, generally, for some days (weeks?). Groggy mornings, busy days, relaxed evenings… all leading, day after day, to the same challenge with falling deeply asleep; I’m just not doing that. I linger for, apparently, hours in a light sleep, half-waking, half sleeping, occasionally dreaming, occasionally waking. With my Traveling Partner out of town for a few days, I think we both sort of expected my sleep would improve. It hasn’t. Not in any noteworthy way. I’m back to getting enough rest, at least, I think. Small improvement, but it matters.

I go over my “everyday carry” inventory with considerable care; I’m not particularly sharp early in the morning, these days. I think that’s when my lack of adequate sleep is most obvious, honestly, these first couple hours after waking… and the last couple before I finally crash in the evenings. Busy hours between end up a blur too often.

I wonder eagerly how things are going for my Traveling Partner. He is traveling for work. It’s an exciting time for him, professionally. We miss each other, chatting each evening without drama, stress, or contentious words. The reciprocal professional consideration, and supportive kind words, are a truly lovely feature of this partnership. I’m proud of him, excited for him, and feeling positive about the future. It’s a nice experience.

I yawn and drink more coffee, then more water, and back to more coffee. So tired. I could easily go right back to bed, right now. lol I look ahead to the weekend, and “sleeping in” at least once. I check the time. Yeah. Already. You know it. For a moment, it stalls me with my reluctance to face the moment, before yielding to it, and inevitably embracing the need; it’s time to begin again. 😉

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, emotional self sufficiency, experience, Get some sleep, good self-care, love and lovers, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what does the future hold?, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Another New Beginning

September 30, 2019 //

Isn’t life like that? Endless beginnings… which also means, endless endings. Focus on the endings and life can feel pretty bleak, frustrating, more than a bit of a let down, perhaps. Focus on the beginnings… ? Maybe focus on the journey, itself, present for each moment. 🙂

Here it is a Monday. The days are already shorter than 12 hours. The sun rise will occur some moments past 7 a.m., this morning. The sky is dark; I get up quite a bit ahead of the dawn, now. I’m okay with that, it’s just that it feels, subjectively as if I have more time than I do – now there’s a life metaphor, and a half. lol It pretty much always feels like I have more time than I do. We are mortal creatures, and our time is short.

I shrug it off, sip my coffee, and let my thoughts move on. My recollection of the weekend is a thoroughly pleasant one, although certainly life and love have both deliciously sweet and unpalatably unpleasant moments. It was a good weekend, in a good life. 🙂 Autumn has obviously come, with chill weather a bit “ahead of schedule” and serious thunderstorms that definitely sell the climate change warning; we never used to have such thunderstorms (any, really) in the area I live in. I wonder what becomes of the world, if we continue to abuse our planet? I sigh heavily in the quiet room, sip my coffee, and let that go, too.

I check the time; it’s already time to get my things together for the commute ahead of me. It is already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, love and lovers, MBSR, meditation, mindful loving, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Seasons Change

September 22, 2019 //

I’m sipping my coffee feeling the hint of autumn that seems already evident, a certain chill I notice, and the slow turning of leaves to colors other than green; the feel of it is “autumn approaching”. The equinox is tomorrow. Fitting. I sip my coffee thinking about change.

This a good cup of coffee, this morning, and I’m feeling pretty well-rested from a better than average night of sleep. I ache – arthritis cranks things up on the pain scale along with the increased chill in the air, that bit of extra moisture, too… not helping. I shrug it off; pain is likely a notable portion of the remainder of my life – and, let’s be real here, it could be so much worse. (A VA doctor, a resident, recently asked me “Have you tried Tylenol?”, my astonishment prevented my reply, which, ideally, would have been “Have you tried getting your fucking foot out of your mouth??” I mean, seriously? If Tylenol were going to be adequate, what do I need her for?? And who hasn’t already tried OTC remedies by the time they want to take time off work and spend the money to talk to a doctor?)

This morning, though, isn’t about that. It’s not about pain, or pain management, it’s not even about this excellent cup of coffee, or a good night’s sleep. It’s a few words on a page that anchor me in this moment, in this experience, and really… that’s all. I’m here. This is now. Life is, actually, pretty good. Good enough to have comfortable easy conversations about where our money goes – and where it could be better spent. Good enough to sustain romance, and day-to-day comfortable, affectionate intimacy. Good enough to feel generally safe, and generally well. I take time to notice, because savoring the good times, however small the detail, fills me up for those times of sorrow that we each will definitely experience; challenges and heartache are also part of the human experience.

I reflect for some moments on my mother’s relatively recent death… June already seems so long ago. Summer is behind me now. Seasons do indeed change.

I sip my coffee, take a breath, and begin again.

Tags a time for healing, a time for peace, a time for reflection, a time to love, autumn chill, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, grooving, listening deeply, love, love and lovers, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, seasons change, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, there is a season, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?, Zombies

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Ringing in My Ears

September 17, 2019 //

My tinnitus is bad this morning. I’ve got headphones on, no music playing, just sort of… seeking quiet. Doesn’t matter; the shimmering, ringing, chiming, faint high-pitched whine that persists in my ears 24/7 is notably loud this morning. I hear more than one frequency, more than one tone, various “noises” – a cacophony of background noise that never really lets up.

…I have another sip of my coffee, and look for YouTube content to distract me from the ringing in my ears. Listening to the tinnitus, itself, is a poor practice; as I begin to focus on it, over time, it becomes harder to hear anything else. A function of attention, perhaps, more than volume. Distractions help, some.

I notice the time, earlier than “usual” – more properly, earlier than the alarm was set. My Traveling Partner’s restless night woke me early, and rather than fight the inevitable, I just went ahead and got up. More time in the small gym at the office, I suppose. The exercise is healthy, and I value the opportunity. For now, I just chill here, with the ringing in my ears, drinking my coffee.

It’ll be time to begin again, soon enough. This moment, here, now, seems well-suited to meditation. I find something to drown out the ringing in my ears… this will do nicely. 🙂

With the return of the rain, I have a sense that autumn approaches; seasons change.

Tags be here now, breathe, distracted by the rain, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, Let the rain fall, MBSR, meditation, meditation only works when I do it, mindfulness for beginners, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, rainy days, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, tinnitus, we become what we practice, what are you practicing?, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer

Some Time, Space, and Quiet

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Another Season of Change

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Another New Beginning

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Seasons Change

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The Ringing in My Ears

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