Archives for posts with tag: meditation
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

It Isn’t About the Pain

June 23, 2016 //
0

I woke in pain this morning, to a chilly gray rainy day. Yesterday’s sunshine is a memory. Today, pain takes a firm determined step forward; I am often in a lot of pain on the rainy days I love so much. It’s an arthritis thing, I suppose. Still, it’s a lovely morning so far in spite of that, and I sip my coffee and make my list contentedly. I look at my list and realize I’ve jotted down a task I’m unlikely to be physically able to do today…I cross it off. Tomorrow, maybe.

Yesterday's sunshine...no more real now than any other memory unless I savor it and make it my own.

Yesterday’s sunshine – a lovely memory.

It’s early, still. Meditation, yoga, a walk, and a shower – the morning is well underway. My physical pain distracts me. I pull my mind back to other things – things that matter more to me; it’s ‘date night’ with my traveling partner. Our time together is so genuinely at ease, so deeply connected and passionate, so emotionally supportive, so playful… I’m still awed by this amazing love we share. 🙂 It’s worth pausing often to appreciate it, especially with impermanence being what it is, and change being a thing. I don’t know what obstacles may exist on the path ahead, or what twists life may sneak into future of love. I am learning to enjoy what is, without wailing over what isn’t – or taking every damned thing so personally that I am unable to understand that we are each having our own experience. Incremental change – incremental progress. 🙂 I keep practicing.

We choose our path, but sometimes the way ahead is not obvious until conditions are right.

We choose our path, but sometimes the way ahead is not obvious until conditions are right.

There’s plenty to practice, isn’t there? Life is rich with complexity, full of stress, and so busy it all seems to happen so fast – too fast, sometimes. Yesterday morning, I could feel how very precariously poised I was, between a full on meltdown, and something different from that. I was uncertain I would be able to maintain emotional balance, perspective, and contentment in the face of the numerous stressors piling up, and the growing feeling of being overwhelmed somehow. I took the day, and I took care of myself. Meditation. A walk in the sunshine. More time meditating. Time spent in the garden among green living things. Some time enjoying coffee in the sunshine on the patio. Meditation. Healthy nutritious meals made from whole fresh ingredients. Adequate sleep. Mediation. Comfortable clothes. An orderly environment. Appropriately timed medication. I spent the day being purposefully kind to myself, and as much as possible taking action, rather than reacting. By mid-afternoon, I felt reliably, sustainably content, comfortable in my body, safe with my thoughts, and secure physically and emotionally. 🙂 My results vary – it could have gone quite differently, and I was prepared that it might.

There's more than one path, more than one way, more than one choice; there are a lot of verbs involved.

There’s more than one path, more than one way, more than one choice; there are a lot of verbs involved.

So here I am today. Today seems nice so far… the pain is not relevant to that, and it may not be an impediment to enjoying the day in relative comfort. Even here there’s a balance to be found, the balance between distracting myself from hurting, and being sufficiently aware of it to take appropriate measures at regular intervals: moving around, taking those effective pain relief measures available to me, taking ‘yoga breaks’… It’s easy to get mired in the sensation of pain and overlook that it would ease if I got up and did something else for a few minutes. 🙂

I keep practicing.

I keep practicing.

Even my heart is at ease today. That was not so much the case yesterday. Ah, but it isn’t yesterday now, is it? I begin again. Today is a good day to take care of me. Today is a good day to enjoy the things about life that I find most enjoyable – and maybe find some new things to enjoy as well. Today I begin again – again. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Epsom salts, Free Will, gardening, health, Healthy Living, Hormone Hell, Logic & Reason, Love, medical marijuana, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, solo hiking, Summer, The Art of Being, women, Words

Partly Cloudy

June 20, 2016 //
0

Yesterday was a pleasant day with a handful of blue moments. The awareness of Father’s Day jockeying for position with the awareness that my father died some years ago was occasionally uncomfortable. It was a pleasant day, anyway. I spent most of the day at home, in solitude, reading, meditating, gardening, maintaining my aquarium, and generally contemplating life. I drank coffee – but not enough to keep me up late.

Pastel twilight, moon rising.

Pastel twilight, moon rising.

Evening came, eventually, and with it the delight of seeing the moon rise, just beyond the patio. I spotted it as I began turning things off to head to bed, and stayed up awhile longer to watch it rise, white and round like some magnificent pearl just out of reach. Totally worth the time taken to relax and watch the moon rise.

A brief lesson in impermanence when the rising moon disappears.

A brief lesson in impermanence when the rising moon disappears.

I slept mostly well, mostly fairly deeply, mostly without waking – or without waking in any significant way, at least. I woke sometime shortly before midnight. Again sometime after 1 am. My wakefulness was so brief, only as much time as needed to check the clock, it seems unfair to count it as not sleeping. lol I woke at a fairly usual time (if I were working), and after taking my medication I returned to sleep. Sleep really matters; if I am still tired, or not feeling rested, and the planned events of the day will permit it, I go back to sleep. This has worked out pretty well for me. Your results may vary. Obviously. We’re each having our own experience. 🙂

It is another lovely day. Is it wasteful to say so? Is it boastful? I’m not complacent about this delicate peace I’ve found within; like any garden, the work to maintain it is ongoing. So many verbs. 🙂

Later this morning, I’ll enjoy brunch with my traveling partner – the idea of brunch for Father’s Day was appealing (we both enjoy brunch out)…but… Father’s Day. Local bistros and breakfast places were definitely going to be packed. Instead of the crowds, we decided on brunch on Monday, instead. 🙂 I am definitely okay with that, since it is about enjoying my partner’s company over a meal, and not at all what date on the calendar we do so.

My coffee is finally cool enough to drink. The morning sun escaped the reach of the clouds on the horizon and shines a good morning flash into my eyes. The marsh and meadow birds celebrate the morning with song, and I watch a chubby raccoon hurrying across the lawn for a safer location now that daylight is here. The raccoon and the neighborhood cats on patrol at the edge of the taller meadow grass studiously ignore each other. There may be very few such Mondays left in my summer; I anticipate returning to the work force next week, most likely, and back to a routine built around 40 hours that are no longer my own. It often feels ‘too soon’…still… there are a few days left, and they are worth enjoying. Today will be a good day to go and do that. 🙂

...And I'll continue to practice the practices that are most effective for me. :-)

…And I’ll continue to practice the practices that are most effective for me. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

3:00 am

June 10, 2016 //
0

I woke at 3:00 am this morning. No reason for it as far as I could tell. Lately I’ve been feeling very fatigued, and my sleep was definitely disturbed by the recent hot weather. It’s cooler again, now, for the time being. Yesterday I powered through the fatigue of recent days and the headache that I woke with, mostly fueled by the emotional energy of excitement, having accepted a suitable job offer. I crashed hard, pretty early, after enjoying the evening with my partner. This morning, I woke at 3:00 am, after only 6 hours of sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep, but sleep was having nothing to more to do with me, this morning. It was sufficiently clear that sleeping was concluded I simply got up, and made my coffee.

Before dawn the only glow is in the art on the walls, not the sky beyond the window.

Before dawn the only glow is in the art on the walls, not the sky beyond the window.  “Without Substance” 11″x 14″ acrylic on canvas w/glow 2016

So, it’s back to the day-to-day grind of ‘gainful employment’… if I sound less than enthusiastic, it’s only because I don’t define the quality of my life by whether or not I am doing work for someone else in exchange for money. I enjoy my leisure time, and certainly there is enough I’d like to do with my time to fill all of it quite nicely without giving any of it away.  On the other hand, the offer I accepted is a very good move in a new direction, and I am genuinely stoked about that. Balance. I am also not being rushed back into the workforce; I’ll have a couple more weeks off before I get back to commuting.

My thoughts are interrupted by a cat complaining outside my window. I don’t have a cat, myself, so I know it isn’t mine. The plaintive wails are not those of pain or suffering as much as a call for companionship. I am on the edge of the park, and there is a lot of wildlife. It isn’t unusual to see a neighbor’s cat patrolling along the edge of the tall grass that separates the residential community from the park itself, but less interesting than the other visitors. Occasionally, raccoons wander up to the patio at dawn, or at dusk. Possums, too. Squirrels are plentiful, as are rabbits (though I don’t see them as often).  There are nutria, and beavers. The beavers are reclaiming trails and swaths of park, marsh, and meadow, by damming the creek here and there, causing flooding in areas that were once planned around human traffic. I’ve heard coyotes, but haven’t seen any. I spotted a young bob cat a bit less than a year ago, but haven’t seen it since construction began and ended in that area. There are herons, cranes, eagles, and hawks, and all manner of small woodland, marshland, and meadow birds. There are crows by the dozens, and woodpeckers are common. I smile, recalling happy hours sitting on my meditation cushion at the patio door, watching a sunrise, or the birds at the feeder. I yield to the bliss of this moment of contentment and contemplation. Right now, in this one singular moment, I don’t need more. This is enough.

The sky is beginning to lighten. The clock counts off the minutes, and the day advances. No headache this morning. No back pain for the time being. A rare pain-free morning? An unexpected bonus. It’s even a Friday without plans, aside from one new-job-related errand I will run later today. I feel myself relax, really relax. Was it stress that woke me, finding me wide awake and alert, so early? I yawn. 4:30 am? Why am I even awake? As I relax, sleepiness creeps over me. Seriously? I just finished my coffee…! I turn the idea of going back to bed over in my head… no reason not to…although I am already awake, already caffeinated, and already alert and active…Am I really sleepy, or tired enough to sleep more? Puzzled over the wave of sleepiness that hit me as I finished my coffee, and unsure what to do about it, I decide on meditation, next. Regardless, it’s a day with a pleasant start. That’s enough. The rest of it I’ll fill out with verbs, and see where it goes. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, art and the artist, Brain Injury, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being

Some Days More Than Others

June 9, 2016 //
1

This morning I woke wanting very much to write, while also feeling quite… directionless. Uninspired. I considered that awhile, and spent some time thinking over the events of the previous day. It’s still quite early. I slept well, deeply, and dreamlessly. I woke with a smile. Since then, anxiety has come and gone, and also a bit of queasiness, a headache, and restlessness. I’m not ill, and there’s nothing actually wrong; this is often what I put myself through when I am excited about something, and yesterday’s interview went that well.  A couple years ago, the end result would have been the complete destruction of a lovely day, more than likely, fueled by excitement I didn’t realize was excitement, and carried forward on the back of raw – if misinterpreted – emotion. I’d have been on edge, unaware of why, and prone to over-reacting and taking things personally. This morning, I am grateful for the improvement in emotional resilience and the reduction in volatility that I have experienced since I began practicing meditation, and practicing more mindfulness, more often.

It’s a cool gray morning, as if the sky would like to just ignore all the recent hot weather and pretend summer has not yet arrived. In this part of the country, at this time in Earth’s life, this is what summer is like. I am smiling, enjoying the cool morning, cloudy sky and all. I pay for the pleasure in a small way; the cooler weather aggravates my arthritis, which hasn’t been bothering me while the weather was quite summery and hot. I think about Fresno, and other hot places – life is very different in hot places, and I pause to really understand for a moment that in choosing this lovely climate as a full-time resident, I am also choosing to endure more pain. Choice is a funny thing, isn’t it? I think I am making one sort of choice, but often the choice I am making is also other sorts of choices bundled together… there is benefit in being more aware of that, more of the time. 🙂

Change is a verb - and also an outcome. Where does the path lead?

Change is a verb – and also an outcome. Where does the path lead?

My thoughts take a new direction. I’m okay with that. I’ve the day ahead of me to explore my thoughts, to meditate, to study, to paint. I may be back to work fairly soon – these days of leisure are incredibly precious, and this morning I am appreciating their value greatly. Today is a good day to take care of me, to invest in the well-being of this fragile vessel and the creature of light residing within. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being

Welcome the Day

June 8, 2016 //
0

I woke with my calendar on my mind today. It’s not quite so hot, and the thing most prominent in my thoughts is an interview scheduled a little later in the morning. The cool pre-dawn chill easily cooled off the apartment before the sun made its appearance.

A new day, a new beginning; each dawn potentially the cusp of an entirely different future.

A new day, a new beginning; each dawn potentially the cusp of an entirely different future.

My ‘to do list’ this morning looks very different than it has for some weeks. I already have butterflies in my stomach, and feel vaguely as if I am ‘waiting’ for the time to arrive, and then to be behind me. Good self-care practices serve me well this morning, and I go through the routine details of an ordinary work day with reliable comfort; it’s only an interview, but it is my work day as well. I feel prepared. There are last-minute things to fill my head with, like re-reading the details of the job posting itself, and reviewing interview notes from the prior interview call. My clothes are ready, my jewelry selected with care, my nails are done. I am entirely this person, and in this particular instance I am a person hoping to be a good fit – and not out of desperate need to be employed in this moment, but delightfully enough because the position itself looks like it may suit my nature, my skills, and be work I could be proud of, on a team providing a valued service to the community. That sounds pretty amazing… to potentially come home at the end of a long work day, feeling accomplished and proud of what I do, rather than exhausted and resentful of the drain on my physical resources, would be a remarkable (and welcome) thing.

Well…I could write all day to avoid the inevitable reality of getting my “work self” together for this interview I am actually eager to do. (What’s with the foot-dragging, Woman?) Delaying the tasks and activities supporting the morning and the day doesn’t really serve me well, and today I definitely need my best from me. 🙂 Wish me luck? I wonder where the day will take me? What does the future hold? Hang on… I’ll go find out. 😉

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being, Words
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »