Archives for posts with tag: meditation

Once upon a time, perhaps I’d have just been getting home… Tonight I am unexpectedly awake in the wee hours restlessly not falling asleep after waking up a bit earlier to pee.

The lotus votive glows softly in the corner.

There’s a soft glow in the room, given off by the 3D printed votive holder my Traveling Partner made for me over the holidays. It’s a lovely reminder that I am loved, and although I am awake I am relaxed, calm, and content with meditating for a few minutes, writing a few words, and giving sleep another try.

The house is quiet. My partner sleeps. I am safe and comfortable.

I yawn. Perhaps now I will sleep.

I’m sitting at a trailhead on a Sunday morning before daybreak, waiting for the sun and sipping an iced coffee. It’s a chilly morning but not freezing, and I am warmly dressed, suitable for the weather. There’s a steady misty drizzle falling, but not the sort of rain to keep me off the trail this morning. I feel satisfied, calm, and content. Perhaps even happy.

I sit with this feeling, sipping my coffee and listening to the traffic as the occasional car goes by. At least for now, there’s nothing more important to do than to savor this moment.

Yesterday began well, and was quite a lovely day throughout. I hung out with my Traveling Partner. We watched movies and shared the day gently. I didn’t really get much done and ended up completely forgetting about the laundry I had started. The thing is, though, the laundry is less important than the time we spend together, and I definitely needed the restful day. Win, all around, really, especially if I don’t punish myself for “slacking off”, which I have not.

…Maybe I’ve grown? 😁

I sit, relaxed and ready, contemplating the value in savoring the small pleasures in life, and the gentle moments of joy. It’s made a huge difference for me, this one simple practice.

“Additive” changes tend to be easier to make (for me). Learning to make a specific point of also “wallowing” in the good moments – even ridiculously small pleasant moments of no consequence – has done so much more, so much faster, to improve my sense of the quality and character of my very human life. It’s been one of the most profound (and positive) changes I have made to the way I face life. It’s hard to overstate how useful this has been.

It’s easy to the point of being default behavior to wallow in a moment of pain, misery, or aggravation, which tends to blow it out of proportion in my implicit memory of my experience, generally. Doing so, over time, creates a fairly profound sense that “life sucks” more commonly and deeply than it truly does. For years I struggled to “not do that” without understanding that a “subtractive” change of behavior like that can be incredibly difficult to make.

If you’re just generally feeling miserable and as if that is always the way of it, I definitely recommend savoring the smallest of pleasant moments as a regular practice; it can do a lot to open your eyes to how common those are. 😁 Over time, doing so has so much potential to thoroughly change how life feels, generally.

Daybreak has come and the trail is clear in the dim blue-gray early morning light. I smile and finish my iced coffee. It’s time to begin again.

It’s early and chilly. I’m at the trailhead waiting for the sun. Here and there are little piles of snow left behind by last weekend’s snow storm, but what I can make out of the trail in the pre-dawn gloom is clear. It’s a good day to get a walk in… because it looks like I can. lol I’m grateful.

I sit with my thoughts. Waiting. The days are slowly getting longer, again. Daybreak comes a few minutes earlier. The sun sets a few minutes later. For this too, I am grateful. I enjoy watching the seasons change. I enjoy welcoming the return of Spring, when it arrives.

I’ve made plans for a long weekend solo getaway a couple weeks from now. It’ll be good to have some downtime and “recharge my battery”. I don’t have ambitious plans or a list of exciting adventures to seek. I’m eager to rest, to read, maybe to write. I’m looking forward to walking other favorite trails and seeing things from another perspective. I’ve kept the planning quite simple, nothing more than a travel plan and a short packing list. I’ll pack the day I leave, and do a grocery run for my Traveling Partner before I go. I won’t be surprised if the first thing I do after checking into my room is… nap. lol Still, I am managing to be quite excited about it.

The sun seems slow to rise this morning. The sky is a stubborn deep gray, featureless and opaque. My bones hint at rain. I check the forecast and it agrees that rain is likely. If it’s not a drenching icy downpour, I’ll probably walk anyway; I’ve been missing this too much to give up on it over a drizzle.

A car pulls into the parking lot behind me. The gate is still closed. They’re not as patient as I am and they leave.

My Traveling Partner pings me a good morning. It feels like the day has begun properly, although I am still waiting for the sun.

A hint of a lighter shade of a bluer gray begins to develop on the horizon. It won’t be long now. I’m ready to begin again.

I’m sitting in my car, listening to the rain falling. It’s a chilly Winter morning. There’s serious Winter weather in the weekend forecast. I think about going to the store to “stock up”, but I find myself wondering if that’s more reflexive than necessary. We’re generally pretty well supplied with day-to-day basics. I could pick up some convenience items I guess, maybe fresh veggies and some chicken…

The pain I am in this morning is “ordinary”. It’s part of my daily experience of life, and it’s difficult to bother bitching about it sometimes. Yes, I’m in pain. Yes, I took something for it. No, that doesn’t really resolve it. I try to avoid letting pain call my shots, because at least for now that’s still an option.

My Traveling Partner is also in pain. He also does his best to manage it. I can’t know directly how much pain he is in, but I feel for him in that “fuck, I wish I could help” kind of way. I feel pretty helpless, though; aside from my concern and general helpfulness I can’t do much about his actual pain. Nor can he, for me.

Physical pain is one of the least pleasant experiences of being alive, I personally think, but it’s also pretty commonplace.

I sit with my thoughts and breathe. The rain falls. The wind blows. Occasional gusts rock the car. The trees along the trail just in front of where I am parked wave as a group in the wind. A very committed runner goes by, headlamp shining brightly and illuminating the path ahead of him. The rain continues to spatter the car.

… I’m so tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’d sleep in if I could, but that hasn’t been successful in a while. I feel rundown and overextended. I know I need more/better rest. I don’t actually know how to get that, presently. There’s a lot to get done and with my Traveling Partner injured, a lot of it falls to me. I remind myself I only need to do my best and that has to include taking care of myself. It’s reasonable to fall behind on some things. I make that okay with myself (again), and focus on today, now.

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s okay that it isn’t, and it doesn’t need to be made more difficult with a bunch of bullshit expectations of reaching beyond our abilities, time, and energy. It’s okay to slow down (unless you’re being chased by a bear or something, in which case maybe don’t slow down! 😂) It’s important to take care of this fragile vessel. It’s even necessary.

I yawn and look at my calendar. It’s time to begin again.