Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

An Incomplete Journey

September 22, 2014 //
0

My weekend in the trees over the Autumnal Equinox was lovely. It was not as quiet as I’d hoped; two troops of boy scouts had occupied the same bit of forest available to me for the weekend, and were actively exploring it in the way that boys of that age are active like no other creatures. lol. I was not distressed by their activity, or their presence. Apparently, I may have grown some while I wasn’t looking. 🙂

Forest: the view from my tent.

Forest: the view from my tent.

Friday was still and quiet all day, and Sunday from the moment day broke through the milky predawn sky and the boy scouts fled the trees in a moderately orderly fashion (at the behest of their leaders), until I myself departed at noon, was again quite still and quiet. I mean, as quiet as forests get. Certainly, the forest has music all its own that rarely really ceases. I got plenty of quiet, certainly enough stillness to calm my spirit and nourish my soul, and oddly several very good nights of sleep. On that, it wasn’t that I didn’t wake in the middle of the night to pee – I did, and honestly the walk in the dark, and cold, to get to that destination – and of the sort it is when camping – did nothing to add pleasantly to that experience – it was simply that the sleep I got was simply exquisitely restful. Naps or nighttime, either way, the sleep I got over the weekend was of amazing quality for restfulness, depth, and pleasantness. I am a big fan of good sleep.

Friday, I hiked 10 continuous miles, and met a goal set for 2015.

Friday, I hiked 10 continuous miles, and met a goal set for 2015.

My weekend in the trees was spent hiking, studying, meditating, focused contentedly on me, on the ‘now’ I exist in, and on solidifying recent lessons from life’s curriculum. My Granny would have called it ‘sorting shit out’ and made an annoyed face at me for my ‘grand words’ (although she loved my writing, even my poetry). I found time, this weekend, to walk in solitude wrapped in the affection and memory of cherished friends and loved ones no longer walking a living path. I never felt ‘lonely’, even in those poignant moments when loss felt visceral and heavy as I walked the trails.

I had plenty of company, too, from this guy and his sibs.

I had plenty of company, too, from this guy and his sibs.

Some important things occurred to me this weekend, perhaps short of an epiphany, but the evolution of useful ideas and worthy of further consideration and study. I learned quickly that I don’t understand these new ideas well enough to communicate them to others, without stumbling over things important to them. Sharing ends up being for some other time, rather than now.

Some of this has been about a change in perspective...

Some of this has been about a change in perspective…

...I mean, seriously changing perspective.

…I mean, seriously changing perspective.

My last weekend solo camping ended feeling very ready to head home. This one, although I felt the absence of my loves and dear ones in a significant way, ended feeling vaguely as if no amount of time in the trees could ever feel ‘too much’ given adequate supplies, and a secure tent. I wasn’t quite ready to come home…until my traveling partner pulled up in the parking lot. Just seeing him took my breath away such that I very nearly didn’t give him the usual hug and kiss; the moment was so intense with the wonder of loving this being. This man of flesh and emotion, of thought and action, of will and tenderness standing before me just then for that one moment seemed an ‘everything’ unarguably enough to come out of the trees for.  My partner.

What followed was a quiet evening at home, each contentedly (it seemed to me) doing our own thing, sharing space and time, and now and then conversation. My partner made a point of bringing some healthy groceries home for a simple and nourishing evening meal. I cooked. My generally-at-home partner tidied up after. Teamwork. A partnership. It was a lovely evening of family and warmth and contentment. It was enough. This morning…it still is.

Sometimes the path is paved, pleasant, and a beautiful experience.

Sometimes the path is paved, pleasant, and a beautiful experience.

My body and my heart have returned from the forest. My feet will carry me to work today, and I’ll harness my mind to my employers goals and do what I do. My thoughts, generally, are still out there…in the trees…in the autumn forest…listening to the fall of pine needles in breezes…the guttural insistent croak of a frog somewhere in the distance…the squeak and chatter of the nearby chipmunks and squirrels…on the edge of an awakening, on the edge of understanding something more today than I did last week, and in the midst of becoming. Surely, there will be more words on this another day.

Today is a good day to be.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

A Rest Stop Along the Way

September 6, 2014 //
0

Every long journey ideally has an occasional rest stop along the way, or a place to pause, pull off the road, get some rest, or some refreshment. Why would a spiritual journey, or a journey of self-discovery or healing be any different? Moving through life at break-neck speed is not only rushed, pressured, and full of momentum that robs one of detailed observation; it’s exhausting. I still approach my experience, some days, with a sense of urgency – as if, perhaps, I am too late to find my way out of the darkness, or perhaps if I don’t move quickly enough to change, or find a better way to treat myself well, and enjoy my experience, the clock will run out with the work left undone. That’s a lot of pressure.

When I move through my experience at a speed dictated by pressure, I get all tangled up.

When I move through my experience at a speed dictated by pressure, I get all tangled up.

A series of recent experiences, moments, and observations find me, this morning, feeling a bit as if I pulled off the freeway to rest for a moment. The morning is calm and quiet, but beyond that, beneath the calm surface of this morning’s gentle thoughts and acceptance of the moment, is a similar deeper calm and contentment within my heart, as though the very framework of how I experience myself and my life are somehow altered from some other prior observation of them. It’s not ‘good’ or ‘bad’, it is exquisitely not related to value judgments at all. I feel present, alert, content. I feel aware and calm and strong. It’s a pleasant morning.

Last evening was its own experience...

Last evening was its own experience…

Last night wasn’t about me. There isn’t more to say about it than that; I was more passenger on that journey, than driver, and I wasn’t even the passenger in the front seat. There is no criticism in those observations, and no yearning that things be different. I am not alone in the universe, and each of us having our own experience definitely means that many many experiences are not even a little bit ‘about me’.  I found it a worthwhile experience to share, to participate in, to observe; I definitely value the lesson in perspective.

Somewhen recently, very recently, I found a sense of inner strength that feels like I had simply misplaced it along life’s longer journey; a strength that has been with me all along, that I count on so utterly it functions entirely outside my awareness, generally. I’m glad I spotted it in the wreckage and dusted it off. I love this piece of me. These past couple days I have been exploring this sense of comfortable experienced womanhood and wisdom gained over time. That doesn’t sound at all humble, and if reflecting on my strength makes you feel  uncomfortable, I understand – me, too. Still, here I am, and I am okay with this moment in time, this point in my experience, this unhurried complex nexus of will and experiences that is some part of what is really ‘me’. It’s certainly worth spending some time getting to know me, yet again.

Because...flowers.

Because…flowers.

Today is a good day to explore the outcome of change over time, and take a step back from the details and enjoy the experience at leisure. Today is a good day to take a break from the work of becoming, and enjoy being. Today is a good day to love. Today is a good day to embrace the change we’d like to see in the world with enthusiasm, and will, and unhurried desire.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Collision Course

September 3, 2014 //
0

There are a few ways to take that… The title, I mean. Famed entrepreneur, Tony Hsieh of Zappos, spoke about ‘collisions’ at a recent trade conference; I was moved. He spoke of the desirability of increasing the number of seemingly random interactions with others we have in a day, and living and working spaces set up to promote those ‘collisions’. Good stuff. I definitely stopped being self-conscious about the high number of such random happenings I experience myself, and let the world take over on sending experiences my way. Then too, word-wise, a ‘course’ is a route, sometimes, but also curriculum. I love words.

Evening downtown.

Evening downtown.

Last night I was definitely on a collision course; I went out for the evening to see one of my most favorite and most awesomest rappers – MC Frontalot!! I had invited my partners, neither of whom were into the idea quite enough to want to go out for a late night on a Tuesday. I admit, I made real effort not to think about it being a Tuesday. lol I’m glad I went. Experiences are funny things – there’s no amount of sharing after-the-fact, or pictures, video, or blog posts that really share the event with an other person. The phrase ‘you had to be there’ is pretty much always true…except… we’re each having our own experience. Mine is mine, regardless. It was an awesome evening. You had to be there.

The place, without the people.

The place, without the people. (Yes, I am uncool enough to be ‘early’. lol)

I hung with my temporary bestie, Eli (short for Elizabeth), and shortly into the evening, and before the show started, we were joined at the bar by Joey-a-Software-Guy. Both very cool people. We had a blast. Eli and I connected when she arrived and immediately had to shake off the possible creeper I’d taken a seat at the bar to move farther away from. It’s a common experience for women, and she and I laughed it off, shared ‘war stories of similar/different/this one time’ and took turns keeping an eye on each other’s stuff for trips to the restroom, or the merchandise table. Last night I very much valued the community of women. Joey and Eli found some nice moments to connect, and at one point I found myself giggling over how ‘typical’ in life’s plot writing it would be for Eli and Joey to find themselves 10 years hence, talking about how they met that night at the Frontalot show.

I left the show one song early, and made sure I didn’t miss the train home. I walked through a city I love, and gazed up at her skyline from that peculiarly human pedestrian vantage point. It’s not a particularly dangerous city, nonetheless I was practical and cautious walking alone at night; I took well-lit streets, more commonly traveled, and stay away from obscured doorways. I found myself musing about the fear lurking in the background, and the state of mind that can result from diving into that mess and taking it too seriously. I enjoyed the walk in the night air and the change of scenery.  The ride home was not entirely uneventful. I  had to switch to a different train – at a very dark lonely stop, at which I initially appeared to be alone. Fear’s icy finger traced a narrow line up my spine when I saw two men at the far end, heading my way.  We ended up making each other’s acquaintance due to the state of intoxication of one, and the other being a friend was doing his best to keep his buddy in line. They were very young… 18? 21? Definitely a bit lost – and about to take the train in the wrong direction (which is how we made each other’s acquaintance). I couldn’t justify a dick move like not pointing another human being in the right direction on a deserted train platform at midnight. We were all waiting for the last train. It ended up being a pleasant ride. (I sure hope Todd got home okay.)

In short – a pleasant fun evening seeing a performer I really love. The lessons were mild, gently offered, and graciously received. I had an amazing evening, and even the small bit I’ve learned about emotional self-sufficiency resulted in a night out free of guilt, or stress, or awkwardness, or anxiety – or really any concern at all about whether having a great time was ‘okay’. This morning… well, this morning I’m pretty much incredibly aware I’m not 21, but as I type the words I recall with clarity the mornings after things and all that went with them, including the terrible hangovers and headaches (alcohol intoxication is probably a very poor choice for my TBI, but at the time I didn’t know I had that to consider). It wasn’t any easier, really, I just wasn’t as self-aware. lol (Your results may vary.)

Corn Mo opened the show - skilled and humorous.

Corn Mo opened the show – skilled and humorous.

Dr Awkward. Wow. West Coast rap takes a detour.

Dr Awkward. Wow. West Coast rap takes a detour.

The reason I go out on a Tuesday night - MC Frontalot.

The reason I go out on a Tuesday night – MC Frontalot. (That’s Corn Mo on keyboard)

My kindle has a rapper’s autograph on it (Thank you, Dr Awkward! You’re a new favorite). I’ve got a cool fan pic with MC Frontalot to cherish for years to come, and an autographed copy of his newest CD… none of that matters as much as the moments of connection with people – real people, rappers and all. The night was worth every penny of  the ticket price, and every moment of my time.  I’ll use today as an extension of those life lessons – because we’ve all got to pay for our thrills.

A night of fun, a night of music, and night of thought-provoking interactions.

A night of fun, a night of music, and night of thought-provoking interactions.

Today is a good day to be mindful that we are each having our own experience. Today is a good day to smile and reach out a helping hand. Today is a good day to appreciate real human beings and all the qualities they bring to those random collisions with one another – never knowing if that one moment changes things in important ways. Today is a good day for openness and enthusiasm – and taking care of me. Today is a good day to share new things, and enjoy what we love. Today is a good day to change the world.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories art and the artist, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Words

Even the Longest Journey…

August 30, 2014 //
0

…Is taken one step at a time. That’s not one I can argue with, refute, or change.

wXG

“Each time for the first time, each moment, the only moment.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

We are each having our own experience. Also completely true, also out of reach of argument or persuasion. We make choices. Choices to participate, choices to pull away, choices to nurture, choices to disengage – we even attempt to make choices about whether we make choices, which is nonsense and foolishness; we have no choice but to choose. 

Sometimes choices are obvious.

Sometimes choices are obvious.

I enjoyed an exceptional day yesterday, end to end quite a nice day. The evening was spent in the company of one of my partners, providing a listening ear, and a supportive heart. People suffer, even people who love well and deeply will suffer in the course of a human life. Suffering isn’t avoidable; we have choices to make regarding how we handle our suffering, and how we treat others while we suffer. 

Before we go farther, I’ll say I’m still practicing, myself, and one of my own challenges is indeed learning to treat others – and myself – truly well in the face of my own suffering. I am acutely aware of the suffering of others, and I observe their choices and behaviors attentively, asking myself all manner of questions about how what I see applies to my own experience, what I could choose to do differently, were it my choice, to find my way out of that darkness, and to treat my loves well in the face of pain or rage. I definitely don’t want to set expectations that I find it ‘easy’ or that it is a simple matter to change lifelong poor behavior, or rewrite bad programming. I will spend my life becoming the woman I most want to be; the challenges are real, the rewards can’t be overstated. 

Resuming my narrative, I return to last evening. We’d had plans as a family. Those didn’t work out. It happens. I managed to enjoy an amazing connected intimate evening with my partner, simply by listening, being supportive, and allowing the time spent to have real value and intimacy, in spite of the OPD at the heart of all that pain. I ended the evening feeling warm and whole, and knowing that my partner was supported and cared for to the best of my ability. We all want to feel heard. 

We each have our own struggles, our own challenges and doubts, our own fears – and our own nastiness to address in the silence of solitude, staring into the face of who we are in the moment with honest desire to do more, better…or finding a way to be at peace with the person we see. It took me many years to come to terms with some pretty shitty behavior I’d learned, and to recognize how significant my own role is in my contentment and happiness. It took even longer to acknowledge that I alone have the power to change me. Having gotten there it seemed almost cruel that I also had to decide what to keep, and what to change, for myself…and have to be accountable for the outcome when I choose poorly. 

I don’t think this is the sort of journey that has a proper destination. I am doubtful that there’s a nice ‘rest area’ at the end point, a place to sit and relax, and celebrate the finish line. No trophy. No report card. No certification. Life is not the sort of journey that ends with ‘mastery’ or an obvious ‘win’… Except… There are moments when I feel something different about that; when the journey itself is the trophy, the goal, the big win at the finish line. No matter how long the journey, it is still taken in steps, and in moments, and each one contains that tremendous power to choose. Each of those moments, itself, is precious – incredibly precious; there are no ‘do-overs’.

Some thoughts over my coffee...

Some thoughts over my coffee…

What will I choose today? It’s a lovely morning… Today is a good day to change myself, and the changes I make within my own heart, and my own experience, have the power to change the world. Today, I am a more experienced, more skilled human being than I was yesterday. Today I am a handful of  moments closer to being the woman I most want to be. Today is a fresh start and a new opportunity to choose well. Today is a good day to choose change. 

Tags , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Summer, The Big 5

Sunshine and Merriment

August 27, 2014 //
0

Some days I just have to pause for the good stuff.

One lovely moment in summer.

One lovely moment in summer.

 

I woke with a nasty headache this morning, a sort of combination headache, part dehydration, perhaps, and part sinus headache. It seems largely irrelevant now, that was more than an hour ago. I’m already well beyond the challenge of that moment, and quietly enjoying the moments after meditating; still considering the theme of the insistent thoughts that intruded. I am feeling appreciative that life isn’t worse, that’s all. 

I’ve been doing ‘the gratitude thing’ on Facebook. I enjoy it and have long since lost count of any number of days; it is enough to be grateful, to appreciate what is good, what is going well, what satisfies my needs. This morning is a little unusual. I am most sensitive to the gratitude of ‘not being worse than it is’ – without any negative emotional experience, and actually also better than neutral. Small things matter. It matters, for example, that although I’m in considerable pain from osteo-arthritis in my spine, pretty much all the time these days, I’m also still walking around on my legs with good ease of movement, in general, and managing 5 miles a day or more. That’s the sort of thing, this morning; gratitude doesn’t have to be dishonest, doesn’t need me to overlook what is real, or that I have moments of suffering. It’s a comfortable and nurturing realization, and I feel whole while considering it. 

One beautiful summer day.

One beautiful summer day.

Yesterday was hot and sunny. My lunch walk was a test of endurance by the time I returned to the office. I didn’t regret taking the time, or making the effort, the value in the moment is considerable in spite of the heat; exercise, sunshine, the beauty of life and the world around me…totally worth it. 

Color and perspective

Summer up close; I have to be out in it to see it.

Isn’t that how a lot of things ‘really’ are? The yearned for, paired with the tolerated. The needed, sought understanding there may also be a burden. The anticipated, alongside the dreaded. The pain and the reward. What is enough? Perspective, balance, acceptance, gratitude…all working together in a framework of mindful will. This is a very interesting journey. 

Small stuff matters.

Small stuff matters.

Today has all the ingredients of a very good day. What will I choose? What will I learn from moments of suffering? How will I face my challenges, meet my needs over time, and graciously handle the worst of what life throws at me, without being flattened by it? Today feels full of opportunities. 

Tags , , , , , , , ,
Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »