Change is. We live our lives in the moments between the changes. The plan is not the experience itself.
Yesterday was a strange one. I felt sort of mostly okay, for a little while, but it caught up with me quickly, and I made it a short day work-wise and reset my expectations of what I was really up to (not that much).
This morning I woke the usual way, at the usual time, but soon found myself struggling with congestion, coughing, and all the unpleasantness of a bad head cold or mild and case of flu. It will pass. I’m grateful to have stocked up on tissues. I’m undecided about working today, which is telling. I sip my hot coffee, letting it soothe my throat between coughing, and blowing my nose. Sometimes being a human primate is pretty gross.
I dressed and left the house as though to walk, then work, but I’m too weak for much walking on a cold morning, and I’ve got persistent doubts about work. I sigh to myself. It’s all very human, and I find myself seriously annoyed with that passing traveler with the nasty cough, and no mask, who was on my flight back to Portland when I returned home from San Francisco last week. It seems likely that is the when (and the how) I picked up this fucking sickness, forcing me to miss some work, and also to socially distance myself from others at home and elsewhere (considerate, responsible, practical, effective)… because that fucking guy wasn’t doing any of those things to limit contagion.
Fucking hell, being human is messy and inconvenient sometimes.
I lean more and more toward not working as I listen to my breathing, and feel the effort required.
There’s a clear, starry sky overhead. I sit with my coffee in the predawn darkness feeling like a bit of a simpleton. What am I even doing out here? I laugh to myself, which causes me to start coughing again. Yeah… I’m not really ready to go back to work. Not in the mornings, anyway. Maybe if I’m feeling up to it I’ll put in a couple hours later?
… Self-care is hardest when being sick impairs my thinking and decision-making…
Rather peculiarly, I see someone walking this trail before dawn. I honestly thought I am the only one who walks this trail in the dark. How many times has this other person been ahead of me or behind me, unnoticed? I watch them pass by briskly, headlamp bobbing along as they grow more distant. Huh. We don’t know what we don’t know, eh? New knowledge changes my understanding of the world. I make room for it, and let my thinking change to account for the new information.
Time passes. The clock is ticking. The holiday is approaching. I’m still sick. It’s a very human experience. I guess I’ll give myself a minute before I begin again… maybe I’ll just go back to bed…
Evening Light 