practice is a verb | Evening Light

A great mood shattered in an instant. Harsh words. Punishing criticism over elements of behavior or memory that are byproducts of brain damage or past trauma. Sisyphus didn’t have it like this. Progress. Achievement. Joy. Then failure, sorrow, yelling. Feelings of disappointment, shame, frustration, and hurt. Yuck. Stupid fucking primates and their messy g’damned emotions. Very human.

[No AI is used in writing or editing this blog. This is human content for human readers.]

… I could get mired in these very human moments of failure (real or imagined, the emotions hit just as hard). It is at least partially what originally brought me here, a bit more than a decade ago. Being human is messy and complicated, and there’s no User’s Manual. I suck at some of this crap. We all do, to one degree or another. Sharing the journey gives purpose to the pain and sometimes lifts the weight of the baggage I’m dragging through this wilderness of chaos and damage. I’m doing my best. Legitimately, keeping things real, that isn’t always enough.

It is a new day, a beautiful morning. I wake early, dress, water the lawn and head for the marsh trail up the road. As I drive I consider how to practice better (deep) listening more consistently in more of my relationships (especially with my Traveling Partner) more of the time. It’s important to me.

The sky is streaked with pink clouds. The mountain, when the view reveals it, is a soft blue gray against a bold orange sunrise. There is no traffic at all, and I drive along patiently and contentedly, wrapped in the moment.

Arriving at the nature park, there is a dense mist clinging to the ground in low spots this morning. The air is cool and fragrant, and my sinuses immediately begin to feel stuffy. The marsh is more meadow than marsh this time of year and there are little birds everywhere. I take some Benadryl and check that I’ve got my bee sting kit handy and set off down the trail with my cane and my thoughts.

I get to my halfway point thinking about that feeling of frustration and futility that can push my thoughts towards self doubt and self-abusive internalized criticism. It’s an emotionally unhealthy way to live, and a drain on resilience. It’s also an active rejection of growth and change – anything rooted in feelings of despair and futility is. I breathe, exhale, and relax, as I turn over the details of the heated “discussion” in my head, seeking the useful details that can form the foundation of real understanding and a better way to practice communicating (specifically listening with care). This will probably be a lifelong challenge for me, given my issues. Knowing that isn’t self-critical, so much as recognition and acceptance – and acceptance is not an impediment to change.

We become what we practice.

So… about the feeling of futility itself, and painful doubt about the worth in making any effort to change? I ease that pretty reliably with reminders about the why in a given change, and also who I am doing it for. I embrace change on a journey to become the woman I most want to be, myself. When people who are dear to me, and people who have earned my respect, suggest to me (or demand) some particular change to my behavior (or thinking), I give it real consideration. The actual choice whether to change is about me living my values, and whether the proposed change will make me a better version of who I am. (There are still verbs involved, I will still have to work to build new behavior, and fight off old programming; changing behavior is rarely like flipping a switch, and generally more of a thru hike.)

Understanding a desired change as fitting my values and my sense of self is an important requirement for effective lasting change.

For me, feelings of despair and futility are very closely associated with finding myself unable to successfully make a change I have perhaps failed to understand as serving my own interests, or haven’t figured out in the context of my values or sense of self. (Or haven’t practiced long enough, consistently enough, for it to become default behavior.) Failing to live up to my own expectations of myself sometimes leads me to feeling despair and frustration, too, but the effort to become the best version of myself is a worthy journey – and also long, and sometimes vexing. “Practicing the practices” is the best approach I’ve found for me to take because change is neither immediate nor “sticky”; I have to work at this shit. I’m very human. (So is my Traveling Partner.)

Yesterday’s difficulties were primarily to do with not listening with care, and taking action too quickly, without a complete understanding of the request or need. It’s something I have real problems with, reinforced over many years and relationships in which the pressure being applied was specific to “speed of response” rather than to “fidelity to need”. It’s not a subtle difference, but years of reinforcement of less desirable behavior over time makes it more difficult to correct. I really struggle with it. I also really want to become someone who listens well and deeply. That is a communication skill with enormous value. So… I keep at it. Practice. Fail. Apologize. Reflect. Refine. Practice. Each iteration a bit better over time. Setbacks now and then. Occasional achievements that result in better relationships. It’s a process, and not a reliably fast one. It’s a journey. The journey is the destination. The journey is about me becoming the best version of myself that I can be, for myself, and true to my own values.

If you thought I had a shortcut to offer, you were wrong. There are no shortcuts, only more practice. 😆

… It’s not rocket science, People. It’s more difficult than that – and has more value. Where would humanity be if we had all learned to reliably listen deeply and communicate clearly without emotional escalation 100 years ago? How much conflict exists between people who communicate well and live their values?

I sigh to myself, watching the chipmunks and squirrels, and the festival of little birds of many kinds fluttering about. It’s a beautiful morning. I fortunate to have time and opportunity to reflect on change and I sit awhile thinking over yesterday and turning over conversations in my head. How might I have responded to this or that differently? I’m not reluctant to be accountable for my mistakes, and I’ve got plenty to work with. I wish my beloved well from this sunny meadow and hope he’s sleeping in and dreaming happy dreams.

Yesterday had some delightful high points and wonderful moments, too. It would be a mistake to overlook them. I sit awhile with my gratitude. Soon it will be time to begin again, again, and a new chance to be the change I want to see in myself. It takes practice.

Sipping my coffee and thinking about “authenticity”. It’s an idea that comes up in a lot of self-help conversations, and in therapy, and in a variety of other contexts in life. What is “authenticity”? Does it come with the same baggage as unkindness masquerading as “telling unpleasant truths” does? Can I be authentically myself and also seek to improve on who I am – or does that set up internal conflicts or create cognitive dissonance? (It’s rhetorical – yes, I definitely can be authentic, and also seek to do better than I did yesterday.)

Most simply, “authenticity” is

…a person who acts in accordance with desires, motives, ideals or beliefs that are not only hers (as opposed to someone else’s), but that also express who she really is.
Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosphy

No idea why this is what is on my mind this morning. I’m just drinking coffee, listening to music, and waking up on a relaxed Sunday. 🙂 Let’s just go with it, eh?

Life is not reliably easy for most of us. There are challenges. Even “being authentic” can become one of those – think about authenticity in the context of your professional day… Is it always “safe” and “comfortable” to just be who you frankly truly are, when you are at work? For a lot of folks it doesn’t feel that way. How about at holiday dinners with extended family? What about out and about in the world? Do you adjust who you are depending on who you are with or what you are doing? (Another rhetorical question; you probably do, to some extent, that’s just part of learning to get along with a long of different people, in a lot of different circumstances. Doing it well is part of being invited back. lol) Do you take it too far and subsequently violate your own boundaries, undermine your ethical commitments, or stray outside your stated values in order to be welcomed and liked? That seems problematic… thoughts for another day, perhaps?

When you are authentically yourself 100%… do you like the results? Do you find value in the outcome? Do you enjoy who you are? Or… are you… wanting something very different from your experience? How do you seek to resolve that?

…Are you comfortable apologizing when you’ve hurt someone?

…Are you able to enjoy and appreciate who you are, exactly as you are in this moment?

…Do you consider the effect you have on those around you?

…Do you want more of yourself than you currently deliver?

…Are you succumbing to outside pressure demanding change that you don’t wish to choose for yourself?

…Who are you – and is this who you want to be?

Making some kinds of changes is hard. Like, really really hard. Becoming a different person, embracing new values, setting new (clear) boundaries, and making changes in life has the added challenge – however much you are eager to proceed down a new path – some people around you don’t want you to make those changes. They may want you to change, to be different than you are, but they have specific changes in mind that serve their needs and purposes; they are not actually invested in simply seeing you being your best self living your idea of your best life. They want you in a mold. The results would meet their needs, but would be less than ideally likely to meet yours. While that’s pretty fucked up, it says nothing about who you are – it’s about them. Pretty easy to let that go, and walk your own path with intention. 🙂

So… if you think you’re a dumbass, and you want to be “smart” and “educated”, the solution seems a bit obvious; get educated. Read books. Listen to the conversations of people smarter than you are. Makes it sound “easy”, doesn’t it? It’s not. As we educated ourselves, we pretty reliably also learn a lot about how much more we still also don’t know. The path stretches out ahead of us as we walk it. Growth is still worth it. It’s just a journey. The journey is the destination; choose your path with care, and walk it with your eyes open. 😀

I used the “dumb vs smart” example for ease. I’m feeling lazy this morning. If there’s a quality you lack as a human being, the point I’m making is that you can most likely cultivate that quality – any quality. Choose wisely; we become what we practice. There may be consequences to becoming that person that you haven’t considered or may not be aware of… Being authentically who you are is a good place to start the journey of becoming who you most want to be. The key – in my opinion – is not “faking it”. Be real. Be you. Be open. Be honest. Be (or become) self-aware. Humility is helpful, too. Learning patience has value…but here I’ve gone and started laying out the qualities I value, myself. Maybe that’s not who you want to be…?

Do you know who you want to become? It’s an important bit of knowledge. If you know who you are, and you know who you want most to be, you have a start on building a path that takes you from the one to the other, over time. (Sooo easy!! LOL)

Modern life does not make authenticity easy for human primates. We set ourselves up for failure with constant exposure to a digital world where “everyone” is doing better, seems prettier, richer, more successful… and we compare ourselves to those illusions, and wonder why we aren’t also enjoying those (often entirely staged) experiences, too? We set the bar sooo high! The comparisons, validation-seeking, likes/clicks/views, and pressure to conform or to excel result in a lot of frustration and depression for people who don’t have a sense of value as they are right now. There’s a reason that people often say things like “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”… the intended communication is about how foundational self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-compassion really are. Hard to get anywhere in life without them, no simple users guide to develop them… Complicated.

I’m in a good place this morning. I feel very much “myself”, without losing sight of things I am working to improve about myself – for myself. My coffee tastes good. The music I am listening to is lively, and tends to reinforce positive messages (helpful in this regard that my broken brain “goes meta” so often with music, in a sense I bend the lyrics to my will by zooming out a bit). I’m on my own path, and that’s not just okay – it’s chosen.

It’s a good day to live and breathe and be. A good day to choose to practice being the woman I most want to be. A good day to recognize “who I am” while I work on becoming who I most want to be.

It’s a journey. Are you ready to begin it?

…And it’s time to begin again…

Sometimes It Doesn’t Feel Worth It

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Sometimes It Doesn’t Feel Worth It

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